


Rise in Perfect Light

by Anotherdumblonde



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben just can't seem to say the right thing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, I shamlessly ship these two, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Mentioned Han Solo, Mentioned Luke Skywalker, My take on how these two will reconcile, Plot, Slow Burn, This started out as simple smut and developed a plot, because they must, shamless smut, the knights of ren are not happy with their master, they simply have no choice, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-01 20:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 93,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13302270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anotherdumblonde/pseuds/Anotherdumblonde
Summary: Six months after escaping Crait, the tiny Resistance force has been hiding on the Outer Rim planet of Arisaig, trying to regroup and plan their next move.Rey and Ben have made no contact since the last moment on Crait. Rey is trying to continue her training, but is finding it more difficult to understand her place without a teacher. Her thoughts slip back to the throne room every so often and she wonders if she made the wrong decision for the right reason.Knowing she is putting the rebuilding Resistance in danger, Rey decides to leave and find the closure and answers she has been searching for. Little did she know, or maybe she knew it all along, they would lead her right back to him.





	1. Let the Past Die

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KatiesMomma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatiesMomma/gifts).



> This is my first fic for the Star Wars fandom. Although I LOVE the franchise, I am not completely aware of all canon and will try to do my very best when it comes to it. Of course with that being said, I am also going to be taking artistic liberties with this story, as, much that was canon was thrown out the window when Disney aquired the franchise. So... I hope to do these beloved characters justice and tell a story that you want to keep reading.

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;  
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”  
― Sarah Williams, Twilight Hours: A Legacy of Verse

:Six Standard Months Later:

The constant din of too many beings living too close together, was beginning to overwhelm her. She had been alone for so long on Jakku. So used to the silence of the desert. So used to the solace of her lone palette in the rusting AT-AT she had claimed as her own. Even her time on Ahch-To with Luke had lent to her solitary existence. The island had been a balm to her soul after so many years in the desert. The crash of the ocean, and the patter of the rain had soothed her like nothing she had experienced before. But here… here she was hard pressed to find a moment to be alone.

She had escaped today, into the dark cool of the forest surrounding the base they were hiding in. After years under the relentless sun of Jakku, she found the shade of the forest calming. And the silence was a welcome change from the hustle and bustle of the base. She had grabbed her staff and left in the early dawn. Fog had swirled around her legs as she hiked up the mountain, that backed the secret base, to the lake that fed the valley below.

She worked through her forms, her harsh breathing the only disturbance in the deep woods. As she moved, swirling her staff from one side to the other, jabbing and blocking an imaginary foe, steam began to rise from her exposed skin. She normally would meditate during this time, her body innately knowing how to move while her mind was able to find peace. But today, she could not find that balance. Her movements were slow and jerky, and her feet seemed to belong to someone else. When she caught her foot on a thick tree root and ended up on her hands and knees in the damp loam of the forest floor, she decided to call a halt to her work out. 

Moving to the clear water, that reflected the scene around it like a crystal, she knelt at the edge and dipped her hands into clean them. A chill ran through her as she rubbed them together, and quickly wiped them on her pants to dry and warm them again. She didn’t move though. Studying her reflection in the icy depths, as the ripples faded away. What was wrong with her? Why had she progressively become more and more out of tune with herself? She was surrounded by friends. Surrounded by people who loved her. She was exactly where she had always wanted to be. 

Wasn’t she? 

The thought came unbidden, and yet, it felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders to have admitted it, even to herself. Her thoughts drifted as they had many times in the past months to Snoke’s throne room upon the Supremacy. To the man who had stood before her offering her everything. To his soft, almost frightened plea, for her to stay with him. His hand held out to her, his eyes begging her not to reject him. And what had she done. She had tricked him into believing she was going to accept, only to try and steal the lightsaber from his hand. 

No. She could not have accepted. It was not what she wanted. She had no desire to rule the galaxy. What she wanted was much simpler than that. And yet, she wondered, if she had said yes… if she had taken his hand… could she have been the catalyst that turned him away from that path? They were somehow connected through the Force, even after the death of Snoke, their bond was still powerful. But in the last months, she had learned to cut herself off from it in order to protect herself and her friends. She would not be the reason the First Order found their ragtag band of Resistance fighters.

Yet, as the days moved along she found herself feeling more alone amongst all of these people than she ever did on Jakku. She realized that as much as she loved these people who had become her friends… her family. There was something she was searching for. Something that no matter how much they had given her, she could not find with them. And everytime that crossed her mind, the thought of him came unbidden. 

She knelt at the water’s edge, the knees of her pants becoming damp, focusing on the crystal reflection before her. Taking a deep breath, she relaxed her body and reached out across the stars. The rushing sound she hears is a physical manifestation of the Force she is using. And then suddenly it’s gone, as if she had been sucked into a vacuum, devoid of anything but the two of them. She can feel his presence, he emanates the Force like a vibration, that moves through her. It is she that called him, yet she waits. 

“I’ve been waiting for you,” his deep voice scrapes across her.

She still does not turn to look at him although she feels him step closer.

“I should have made you wait longer,” she growls, though her anger is more at herself than at him. 

Anger at herself for her desperate need to connect with someone who understands her. For her failure to stay away from him, even though she could not stay with him. 

“I can feel your anger. Don’t think you’re the only one who is loathing themselves right now. It seems I cannot deny you either.”

She stood and turned to him finally. Stealing herself to come face to face with him once again. And when she finally met his gaze she was glad she took a moment to prepare herself. He was thinner than she remembered. And the bruises beneath his dark eyes spoke of sleepless nights. He had always had fair skin, but it almost seemed to have a translucent quality to it now. But it was his eyes that had her heart cleaving in two. Their darkness was haunted. A battle went on beyond them that was tearing him apart. She ached to move to him, to help him fight his demons, but she knew that was no longer an option. 

“I don’t need your pity,” he nearly spit at her. “I am Supreme Leader of the First Order. I can destroy you if I choose.”

Her brow furrowed. “Yet you won’t.”

She saw the split second of anger cross his face before he buried it and advanced on her. He was so close, her body thrummed with the power of the Force he commanded. She could see the stark white line of the scar she had given him. And even more, she still saw the man she had begun to care for.

“Ben.” The word came out on barely a whisper, but she knew he had heard it.

His hand was suddenly clutching her slender throat. Squeezing ever so slightly as to make her breath catch. But not enough to hurt her. Not enough to cause her pain. Her lips parted slightly as if to get more air.

“Do not presume to know me,” he growled softly close to her ear. His heated breath sending a shiver down her spine.

“If you were going to kill me you would have done it already,” she challenged him with a gasp.

He pulled back and finally look at her. She hadn’t changed at all. She was still more than a head shorter than him, and slight of build. Her sweet face still rounded to a pointed chin and her jaw was as stubborn as ever. Her skin has lost some of it vibrance, and her eyes held shadows that had never been there before. He could remember those eyes so clearly. Staring up into his, begging him to come with her. Soft and pleading for his trust. 

He let her go suddenly as if the mere touch of her skin had burned him. She took a deep breath and two quick steps back. He could feel the fear pulsing off her body, her show of bravado at an end.

“What do you want from me?”

“I…” she began, unsure of what to say.

“I don’t have time for your games, Rey.”

Her her eyes widened at her name on his lips. “I’m not playing games. I needed-” she stumbled over her answer again.

“You needed what?” his voice sounded thick all of a sudden.

“I needed you,” she answered ever so softly.

As she watched the play of emotions cross his face, the ground she was standing on suddenly rolled, sending her tumbling to the dirt, and breaking their connection. She cursed, and braced herself while the ground undulated beneath her. The unstable tectonic plates of the Outer Rim planet, Arisaig, caused numerous quakes to happen daily. They were generally small and lasted only a short duration but it was one of the reasons there were no large cities on the planet. It was also one of the reasons it made it safe for the small band of Resistance fighters and their allies to use the planet as a safe haven. 

As the ground came to rest, Rey let out a stream of language even a scavenger on Jakku would have been shocked to hear. She had finally said it, finally admitted to herself that she needed him. And the moment it had come out of her mouth, their bond was severed. She was frustrated and the urge to scream nearly choked her. Kicking at a nearby root, she gasped at the pain that emanated up her foot. Now limping and cursing, she headed back to the makeshift base they had constructed deep in the dense forest. 

It took her long to return, limping, as she was, on her hurt foot. And while she walked she came to a decision. A decision, she realized, that had been a long time in the making. She needed to find General Organa. And the General wasn’t going to like what she had to say. She didn’t even make it back to her room before she was bombarded by BB-8 and Finn.

“Rey! Rey, where the hell have you been? Leia has been asking for you for the half the morning.” Finn call, running across the bustling landing area, at her.

BB-8 whirred and beeped next to her, as she moved from a walk to a jog in order to get to the General faster. 

“Yes, BE BE-ATE. I’m sorry. I know, I know. I said I was sorry. I needed to be alone. Okay, okay. I’ll let you know next time.” She tried to sooth the anxious droid as she snaked her way through the makeshift buildings.

“Where were you? Poe and I have been looking for you all morning. We even sent Rose into the women’s ‘fresher to see if you were in there.”

“I was meditating,” she responded quickly, unwilling to give him the whole story.

The last thing she wanted to do was hurt anyone’s feelings. It was easier to keep her fears and doubts to herself. And she certainly didn’t want anyone to know she had contacted him. That was something that wouldn’t only slam a wedge in between any of her relationships, but also have people questioning her loyalties. 

Coming to the command bunker, she entered and scanned the room, searching for the diminutive woman who everyone would be scurrying from. She found Leia standing behind a holotable, throwing orders around like thermal detonators. And scurry, everyone was. When her warm brown eyes fell on Rey, a small smile lifted her thin lips. 

She looks so very tired, thought Rey, moving across the room and coming to stand before Leia. Leia studied Rey for a long moment and then glanced at Finn. Her thank you to him was a dismissal. Turning back to Rey, she gestured for her to follow.

“Walk with me,” she said softly.

Rey nodded, and followed her out of the room and into a narrow hallway. They exited through another door and paused as Leia took a cleansing breath.

“I’m getting too old for this,” she confided with a sad smile. 

Rey smiled back. “And yet I can’t imagine you doing anything else.”

Leia gave a gravely chuckle. “I’ve been doing it for so long, that neither can I.”

They walked in companionable silence for a while, skirting the buildings and meandering into the edge of the forest. Rey followed her lead, and remained silent. She knew there was something Leia wanted to say, but it would be, as always, in her own time. 

They came to a clearing after a distance, and Rey found herself staring at a small pool fed by a small waterfall. It was a lovely place, and she could imagine Leia had come here often since they had settled on Arisaig. She stopped and waited as Leia walked closer to the water.

“What you did this morning wasn’t easy, I imagine.” Leia began, turning to Rey.

Rey couldn’t help the look of surprise that crossed her face for a split second before she was able to control her emotions. She opened her mouth to explain, but Leia beat her too it.

“It’s so easy to forget that I am Force sensitive. I’m surprised that you were able to keep your distance for as long as you did,” she went on.

“You’re not angry?” Rey look miserable.

Leia laughed. “It takes a better woman than me to be able to resist that Solo charm. If Ben got nothing else from his father, he got his looks and his charm.”

“He got your eyes,” Rey mused softly.

Leia smiled at that. 

“And on top of all of that, you are drawn together by something so much greater. Something you are still trying to understand. Of course you would reach out to the only person who would be able to help you.

“Ben has been aware of his ability from a very young age. He was so powerful, so very young, that he needed to learn how to live with it. You are just learning about your abilities and crave answers. I can’t fault you for trying to find them. But--”

“I need to go,” Rey rushed out.

Leia’s smile fell then.

“I can’t stay here and put all of you, everything we have accomplished, in jeopardy. And I also need to return to Jakku and Ahch-To. I need to find some closure and some answers. And they are not here.”

Leia nodded. “I think you are right. I think it would be the best for everyone. But I do not want to see you go. I never had a daughter, and having you by my side for this time has done my heart some good. There has been so much loss in my life, but in you I gained something I would have never had otherwise.”

“I never knew my mother, but I hope she would have been something like you, Leia.” Rey reached out to her.

Leia took her hand and pulled the girl in for a hug. She stood taller than the General, but Rey still felt enveloped by her. Leia had such a capacity for love, that she wondered how Ben had been able to turn away from her. Stepping back, Leia look up at the beautiful young girl. 

“He needs you more than either of you can ever imagine. And you need him just as much. Don’t be afraid, Rey. You are so much stronger than you know.”

Rey nodded, unable to speak around the knot in her throat.

Leia smiled sadly, as if she knew something Rey did not. “When will you leave?”

“Tomorrow, I think. I don’t have many belongings. I’ll say my goodbyes tonight and leave at dawn.”

Another nod. “It’s for the best. But I’m going to miss you, my girl.”

Rey couldn’t speak. Her throat closed around a lump that had tears pricking at the back of her eyes. Stepping in, she embraced Leia again, and this time was hard pressed to let go. The older woman held on just as tightly, a weight pressed on her heart.


	2. Kill it if You Have To

:Chapter Two:

 

Things were not going the way he thought. Nothing was what he imagined, when he lit his grandfather’s lightsaber and destroyed everything he’d ever knew. He had what he wanted. Power, respect, control, everything he had craved for his whole life.

 

Or did he?

 

No. He pushed the thought away and refused to examine it. He had everything he had ever wanted. And yet, he was struggling to gain respect from  _ his _ army.  Admiral Armitage Hux, undermined his authority at every turn. He found ways to test his boundaries, and push the line Snoke had set. He glanced down at his grandfather’s melted helmet, and sat on the durasteel bench before it. 

 

“I have finished what you started, Grandfather. I have conquered the galaxy. I have become Supreme leader. I have destroyed the last Jedi. And yet… I can still feel the pull to the light. 

 

“It’s the girl. We are connected. It’s her power that pulls me to the light. That makes me weak. I’ve tried to hate her. I need to destroy her. And yet something holds me back. 

 

“She intrigues me, Grandfather. I’m drawn toward her innocence. Toward her… light. It seduces me. She seduces me.

 

“I need your help. I need the strength to fight this weakness. To finally end the entire Jedi order.

 

“Help me, Grandfather.”

 

Standing, he left the solace of his meditation room and entered the silence of his quarters. They were spartan at best. He didn’t need much. He had no attachments. Yet, there upon his bare chest of drawers sat a tiny blue crystal. The last remnant of the lightsaber she wielded. He had kept it, telling himself it was because it had belonged to his grandfather. But he knew he could only lie to himself for so long. 

 

Pulling his glove off, he reached out a long fingered hand. It hovered for a moment over the kyber crystal before he steeled himself to pick it up. He could remember the first time he had touched it. 

 

_ After returning from the planet Crait, he had stormed into the throne room now devoid of the bodies of Snoke and his Praetorian Guard. He had been destroyed when Rey had denied him earlier in this very place, but then, he was split to his soul. He had physically heard the door of the Falcon shut on him. Had seen her there, as if he stood at the bottom of the ramp, still pleading with her to change her mind. Questioning his own decision. _

 

_ The stone had caught some stray light source and sparkled out of the corner of his eye. He had moved to discover what exactly lay on the floor catching whatever light this dark room had. He had removed his gloves by then, and when he reached for the stone and touched it with his bare hand, her essence had overwhelmed him. His sharp intake of breath echoed through the room. Every instinct that had been honed into him by Snoke, told him to drop the crystal. To crush it to dust beneath his booted foot. Instead his hand closed into a fist around it, pressing it’s sharp facets into his palm. Letting her wash over him, through him.  _

 

Now he used it to torture himself. To try to feel the fleeting essence of the one light thing he had not tried to destroy. The one thing he wanted but could never have. Fisting his hand around the tiny crystal again he squeezed, trying to used the pain to mask the emotions flooding through him.

 

The rush of the Force was a physical noise, until all sound was sucked from the vacuum he had only experienced with her. Turning, the crystal in his hand thrumming with her proximity, he found her on her knees with her back to him. Taking a deep, silent breath, the tightness in his chest abated slightly. 

 

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he ground out. Meaning it very differently than it sounded.

 

She remained with her back to him, and he foolishly stepped closer, letting their link draw him to her.

 

“I should have made you wait longer,” she growls.

 

“I can feel your anger. Don’t think you’re the only one who is loathing themselves right now. It seems I cannot deny you either.”

 

Nothing he ever says to her comes out the way he means it. He was foolish to believe things might have changed. She was too filled with light to ever turn to him.

 

She stands and turns to him finally. Seeing her again, has his world turned upside down. She is exactly as he remembers. Her kind eyes, her straight nose, her full lips and pointed chin. That stubborn jaw that right now was clenched in… in what? Anger? Fear? Looking from her chin and mouth to her eyes, he felt like she had punched him in the gut. There was pity there. Compassion for him. Two things he had no use for from anyone. Especially her.

 

“I don’t need your pity,” he nearly spit at her. “I am Supreme Leader of the First Order. I can destroy you if I choose.”

 

Her brow furrowed. “Yet you won’t.”

 

He could not hide the instant jolt of anger he was sure crossed his face. But as quickly as it came, he buried it and advanced on her. Even he knew that he was radiating power. He could feel it connecting with hers. Thrumming through them both. They were so close, their noses almost touching. He could feel the warmth of her breath on his lips.

 

“Ben.” 

 

It was barely a whisper, but his name on her lips had him jolting, a heat spreading through him. He panicked. His hand was suddenly clutching her slender throat. The electricity that surged between them, had him sucking in his breath hard. This had been a foolish move, but he could not go back now. Squeezing ever so slightly as to make her breath catch. But not enough to hurt her. Not enough to cause her pain. He watched as her lips parted slightly as if to get more air.

 

“Do not presume to know me,” he growled softly close to her ear, and watched as her skin prickled beneath the heat.

 

“If you were going to kill me you would have done it already,” she challenged him with a gasp.

 

He pulled back and looked at her. He let her go suddenly, as if the mere touch of her skin had burned him. She took a deep breath and two quick steps back. He could feel the fear pulsing off her body, her show of bravado at an end. No. This was not what he wanted. Anger, yes. Hate even, he could deal with. But fear? She could not fear him.

 

“What do you want from me?” he tried to moderate his voice.

 

“I…” she began, unsure of what to say.

 

“I don’t have time for your games, Rey,” frustrated in more ways than even he imagined, his words came out too harshly.

 

Her her eyes widened at her name on his lips. “I’m not playing games. I needed-” she stumbled over her answer again.

 

He suddenly felt that tightness in his chest again.

 

“You needed what?” he asked slowly, his voice sounding thick all of a sudden.

 

“I needed  _ you _ .”

 

He knew his emotions were playing across his face and he was helpless to stop them. And suddenly, their connection was broken, and she was gone. He looked around quickly, then sat down hard on the foot of his bed. Had he heard her correctly? Had she actually said she needed him? He didn’t want to let himself believe it was true. Her words had been so soft, barely a whisper, but he had heard them. 

 

There it was. So close he could reach out and grab it. If he dared. True, she had said she needed him. But had she meant it? Had she meant it the way he wanted her to? Doubt began to creep back in. Began to eat away at the one pure thing he had. The darkness slipping silently into the cracks and fissures. It’s inky tendrils, wrapping themselves around the pinpoint of light he had left. Smothering it before it had a chance to grow. He was helpless to push it away. It was too easy to let it have it’s head. To let it blanket him in it’s embrace. 

 

His head bowed, he turned his hand over and opened his palm, the crystal winking in his hand as if her light pulsed through it. He stared at it for a long time, before gently closing his hand around it again. A thought ran through his head as he watched the light of the kyber crystal smothered by his hand. 

 

_ The light will never need the darkness. _


	3. It's the Only Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey know's it's time to leave. There are answers she needs to uncover. But it's never easy to say good bye, and sometimes the answers you seek only leave you with more questions.

:Chapter Three:

 

“I don’t understand. Why do you have to go?” Rose paced around the small room, arms crossed over her chest.

 

Rey sighed, as she slipped a second pair of boots into her pack. They had been going round in circles since Rey had told her she was leaving. It had been nice to find another woman to talk to aside from General Organa. Someone she could confide in and share things she couldn’t with the numerous men that occupied the tiny base. But Rose was like a Jawa trying to sell a droid. She would not let it go until she was satisfied. And Rey’s explanation, of needing to return to Ahch-To to gather Luke Skywalker’s belongings and return them to Leia, was not satisfying her.

 

Rey hated lying to her friends. She felt guilty, but knew it was a necessary evil. Not one of them would understand the bond she had with Ben Solo. It simply wasn’t something she could divulge to anyone but Leia. It was Leia herself who came up with the story Rey told Rose, and the rest of them the night before. Leia and Rey had agreed it was for the best. After all, even if her friends could understand how closely connected she was to the new Supreme Leader of the First Order, they would never trust her. The fact that Leia was the one to help her concoct the plan gave her hope that her friends would forgive her when the truth finally was revealed.  If she was ever able to reveal it.

 

Zipping up her bag, she turned to Rose and wrapped her in a big hug. “I’m not leaving forever, Rose. I promise, I will see you again.”

 

Rey had to swallow around the lump in her throat. She was glad Rose wasn’t force sensitive. She just couldn’t explain that although she planned on seeing her friend again, she didn’t know how long that would be. 

 

Rose held her tight, sniffing every so often. When they finally stepped apart, Rey saw the unshed tears in Rose’s eyes. She laid a hand on her friends cheek, and then hefted the bag over her shoulder and stepped quickly out the door before she started to change her mind.

 

She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes as she hurried to the tarmac. Trying to get to her X-wing before she shed any, she entered almost at a run, but Finn had beat her there and she came up short as he stepped in front of her.

 

“Tell me you weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye.” He looked down at her accusingly.

 

Rey opened her mouth to say something witty, but the tears spilled down her cheeks. Wrapping her in his arms, Finn held her close to his chest.  He had been her first friend, and she his. He had come to save her on Starkiller Base. He hadn’t left her to die at the hands of the First Order. And now she was leaving him.

 

“I’m sorry, Finn. I’m sorry,” she cried into his shirt.

 

“Don’t be sorry, Rey. You’re doing what you’ve got to do. We both knew this wasn’t going to be easy. But we stuck it out together. And I’ll be here when you get back,” he said roughly against the top of her head. 

 

With a quick peck to her hair, he stepped back holding her at arms length. She tried to smile at him but failed miserably.

 

Laying a hand on his cheek and giving him a tearful smile. “I’m so glad you have Rose. Take care of eachother.”

 

He cupped his hand over hers, and reached out tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “May the Force be with you, Rey.”

 

Unable to speak any more, she turned away and with her head down made it to her X-wing without another encounter. She climbed the ladder, tucking her duffle into the compartment in the nose of the starfighter. Straightening, she looked over the base. Her home for the past 6 standard months. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and waited a moment. 

 

“Hey! Stargirl!” came the shout from beneath her.

 

Rey smiled, opening her eyes and looking down. Poe Dameron stood below her, his hand shading his dark eyes. She laughed, feeling lighter, and moved back down the ladder. With her feet on the ground, she turned to him with a true smile. 

 

“You leavin’ us, Stargirl?” he stepped up closely.

 

He had started calling her that when he had noticed the freckles smattered across her nose and cheeks. He had picked the constellations out in them one afternoon when they had sat together with Finn and Rose. Rose had told them that her mother used to tell her that they were kisses from the stars. Poe had brushed his finger across the bridge of her nose and thus Stargirl was born.

 

“I… I have to go, Poe.” 

 

“I know. I spoke to Leia.”

 

She let out a half laugh. “I should have known.”

 

“You need to go over anything on this beast?” he leaned in close to her, patting the side of the ship.

 

“I’m good. Thank you.”

 

“You’re gonna be missed, Stargirl.”

 

“I’ll miss you too, Flyboy.”

 

Rey reached in to hug him, his arm folding her into his chest. Her soft cheek pressed against his rough one. She pulled away and look at him, a small smile on her lips, her eyes sad. He smiled back at her and slowly moved in. Her heart fluttered in a panicked way, and she quickly turned her head so his lips met her cheek. Flustered, she stepped away from him, and put a hand on the ladder of the X-wing.

 

“Goodbye, Poe.”

 

With a sad nod, he gave her a smile. “Goodbye, Stargirl.”

 

He watched as she primed the engines and readied the ship for take off. With a final wave and a glance around what had been her home for the past months, she pushed the button and started the lifters. Rising slowly into the air, she turned the ship, and directed it away from the base into open air. As she glanced back one last time, she spotted Leia standing nearly hidden at the edge of the command building, watching her ascent. 

 

Lifting her arm, she pressed her hand against the transparasteel window, and whispered out loud. “May the Force be with you.”

 

Warmth enveloped her, and she heard a voice echoed in her head.  _ And may the Force be with you. _

 

Turning away, Rey check over the coordinates she had put into the ships computers, one more time before she broke atmosphere and initiated the hyperdrive. With one last deep breath she punched the button and the stars turned into streams of light around her. It wasn’t going to be an extremely long trip, but she certainly had too much time to think. 

 

Immediately, Poe’s attempted kiss came to mind. It wasn’t the first time he had shown an interest in her. And while Rey found herself attracted to him, it simply wasn’t enough to ruin their friendship over. He had taught her so much in their short time together. He loved that she was just as interested in starfighters as he was, and they had spent many free evenings together discussing the attributes of one or another of the ships they had encountered.

 

And though she was not in love with him, not even in lust, she wondered if she should have let him kiss her. None of them knew if they were going to survive this fight against the First Order, and what was wrong with giving him some hope to carry him through? With a sigh, she leaned back into the pilot’s seat and closed her eyes. There was no point in dwelling on things she could not change. There were too many trials ahead of her, to get stuck looking into the past.

 

_ Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. _

 

His voice echoed in her head. His words touching a dark part of her. And that part of her, had wanted to take his hand. Had wanted to stay with him. Not to rule the galaxy, but to remain by his side. With someone who wanted her. Someone who protected her. Someone who knew loneliness and abandonment the same way she did. 

 

But she could not. Not even to keep her heart from splitting in two. He had taken his path years ago, and it was one she could not follow him down. The tears were there again. Threatening to spill onto her cheeks, but she scrubbed at her eyes. Refusing to let herself cry for him any more. 

 

And cry she had. In the dead of night, alone on her meager cot, in her barren echoing room. She would sob with her pillow held over her face to dampen the sound. She cried for the shattering of the hope she had held on to that her parents would come back. She cried for the loss of both men she had thought of as father figures in her life. She cried for the destruction of the Resistance. But mostly she cried for the man she had failed. 

 

And she had. In her youth and naivety, she truly thought she would be able to turn him. She had believe that she would be enough for him. She had hoped that her hand would be enough to erase years of abuse and torture. She had been wrong. So very wrong. And it tore her apart. 

 

Every night, she had fallen into bed, exhausted after a day of pushing her body and mind to extremes in order to avoid a night of memories and regrets. But it was all to no avail. In the darkness everything came rushing back to her in stark clarity. It would replay in her head until she was curled in on herself, sobbing into her pillow. It had taken months for her to begin to forgive herself. To begin to heal. And yet there were still times, moments, like now, that brought it all back. 

 

With a little shake, she pulled herself from her maudlin thoughts, and glanced once again at the readouts on the console screen. The computer would alert her when they left light speed, and she would then maneuver the ship down to the planet. But until then, she could close her eyes, and try and get some sleep. 

 

.

 

The beeping of the computer had Rey startled awake. Her sleep had been dreamless if not restful at least. Glancing out the window, she looked down at the orange and tan planet and felt anxiety build in her chest. For so long she had never wanted to leave. And now she wished she never had to return. 

 

With a sigh, she took the controls, and made her way down to the surface of Jakku. Landing on the outskirts of Niima Outpost, she covered the ship with a tarp, and made her way back to the one place she never wanted to see again. 

 

Keeping her eyes straight ahead, Rey walked through the open area where Unkar Plutt’s collection post was situated. Walking up to the counter, she waited. No one ventured near, and she preferred it that way. What she needed to say to Unkar wasn’t for anyone else to hear.

 

When Unkar spotted her as he came around the corner, he stopped short.    
  


“You stole my ship,” he accused her in his slow, gravelly voice.

 

“The ship belonged to Han Solo. I gave it back to him.”

 

Unkar studied her carefully. Not only was it easy to see how much she had physically changed since she’d left, but he could sense a change within her as well. He treaded lightly, unsure of where he stood with this new Rey. She was not the scrappy scavenger he could intimidate any longer. 

 

“You’ve changed.”

 

“Everything changes, Unkar. And I’m here for some answers.”

 

“Everything changes, Rey, and everything has a price.” He fell back into his comfort zone, seeing a chance to exploit what ever it was she wanted. 

 

“You will give me answers, Unkar. I deserve answers.” Her voice was heavy with authority and a push of the Force.

 

“You deserve answers,” he agreed, slightly dazed.

 

“Who brought me here?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You do know. Who sold me to you?  Who are my parents?” she demanded.

 

“The two are not mutually exclusive.”

 

Rey startled. “What?”

 

“I said--”

 

“Stop talking in riddles.”

 

“The people who sold you to me were junk traders, but they were not your parents.”

 

Rey blinked at him, her heart fiercely beating against her chest. He was lying. He had to be lying. But…

 

“Then who are my parents?” she whispered.

 

“I don’t know.” 

 

“Where are the junk traders that sold me?” Her voice stronger now, holding out hope.

 

“Dead. Buried outside of the outpost.”

 

Her breath caught in her throat. He wasn’t lying. And her search had ended, with more questions than she had started with. She turned without a word, and strode out of the outpost, away from a confused Unkar Plutt. Returning to her X-wing, she climbed inside, and looked around for the last time. 

 

There was nothing left for her here. 

 

Punching in the coordinates for Ahch-To, the X-wing rose from the sand and broke atmosphere quickly. Without another look back, Rey initiated the hyperdrive and Jakku disappeared from her view.

 

.

 

She had missed this island. Had missed the the crashing of the water, the patter of the rain against the roof of her little hut. Had missed the scent of brine and damp air. But it was no longer the same. There was a silence to the island that hadn’t been there before. An emptiness, that weighed upon her. 

 

Gathering her pack, and rations, she began her treck from her landing spot up the side of the mountain to the terraced shelf where the old Jedi huts were situated. Six hundred steps, she remembered counting one day when Luke was being particularly difficult, from her landing sight to the conical shaped huts that had housed the original Jedi. Part of her relished the long and difficult walk up the stone steps, but another part, wished she didn’t travel them alone.

 

Upon reaching the area, she found the hut she had used, that Luke had destroyed when he had discovered her with Ben, had been rebuilt. The caretakers must have set to work almost immediately, returning the stones to their original formation. She placed her packs inside before she ventured closer to Luke’s private hut. She wasn’t ready to go inside yet. She was too battered and bruised by her encounter on Jakku and as night spread across the island, the damp chill came with it.  

 

Building up the fire in the hearth of her hut, she sat, nibbling on a ration she had scrounged from the base before she left. She wasn’t really hungry, but she couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten anything. Nurture the body to feed the soul, Luke had always said to her. He had made sure she had eaten, no matter how lost she became in the task he had given her.

 

Huddled beneath a thermal blanket, she sat in silence staring into the dancing flames and tried to let her mind rest. She needed to shut down and stop thinking, for just a little while. The thoughts and questions flying around her head, weren’t helping her peace of mind, nor would they allow for her to sleep. She was struggling to stop them from overwhelming her, when she heard the rushing sound in her ears, and suddenly the void where he always was.

 

“You need to control your thoughts. I can feel your conflict from a galaxy away. If there is no way to break this bridge between us, then you need to learn how to control your power. I cannot be constantly bombarded by you.” His deep voice was close behind her. 

 

She turned quickly, to find him standing behind her, facing away. His broad back, bare to the loose pants that hung on his narrow hips. She felt the heat rising to her cheeks, but she could not look away. 

 

“Liar,” she hissed at him. 

 

She watched as he spun, and glanced down at her.

 

“Liar, monster, murderous snake… you have such a colorful way of addressing me.”

 

“You lied to me,” she accused.

 

“I’ve lied to many people, it doesn’t make you special.” His voice rose slightly.

 

“You knew what it meant to me,” she whispered, with a catch in her voice. “And you lied to me.”

 

He frowned, as if trying to remember which lie he told her. “And what did I lie to you about?”

 

“You told me my parents were no one. That I was no one. That they were filthy junk traders. That they sold me off like some scavenging piece they had salvaged, for drinking money. And I believed you. You lied.”

 

He blinked at her. “No.” he paused as if thinking for a moment. No!” his voice rose. “That wasn’t a lie. When we touched, that is exactly what I saw. I saw them leave you with that Crolute in Niima Outpost.”

 

“Go away, Kylo. I’m tired of your lies.” She turned from him, to stare again into the fire.

 

There was silence for a moment, although she knew he hadn’t gone. 

 

“Where are you? I can’t see your surroundings. Only you,” he asked softly.

 

“I left. Because of my stupidity. I had to leave.”

 

“Who is with you?” His voice held a strange timber that she had never heard from him before.

 

She have a harsh laugh. “I’m alone. That seems to be my fate.”

 

“I told you once before… you’re not alone.”

 

She spun on him. “I’d rather be alone, if I only have you for company.”

 

She knew it was like a slap in the face, but she was too hurt to care. The tears she had been trying to hold back all day, fell from her eyes, making them glisten.

 

“You used the one thing that you knew would break me. That would shatter me to the point of no return. I was foolish to believe you could be redeemed. A foolish, naive, child, who didn’t know any better. And  you…”

 

“Enough! I did not lie to you.

 

“When I touched your hand, that is what I saw. It was what you remembered. All you remembered. If there was another story, then I did not see it. It is hidden from me as it is from you.  

 

“I have done many things, but I have never lied to you, girl,” he finished his rant as he paced around in whatever room he was in.

 

Rey blinked at him, hating herself for believing him, but knowing he was right. She couldn’t remember a single time he had lied to her. Even when he had her strapped down in the interrogation room and she had asked where her friends were. He had told her the truth.

 

_ “Where are the others? The ones who were fighting with me?” _

 

_ He scoffed. “You mean the traitors, murderers, and thieves you call friends? Consider carefully now: I could easily tell you they were all killed, righteously slain in battle. But I would prefer to be honest with you from the beginning…” _

 

For whatever his reason, he had never lied to her. 

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered to the fire.

 

He paused, and stopped his pacing. “What did you say?”

 

Rey glanced over her shoulder, eye level with his knees from her seat on the floor. “You have never lied to me. I… I just…” She bent her head over her knees that were pulled to her chest, and hiccuped as she tried to hide a sob.

 

Another sob, shook her body and she felt him bridge the space between them, placing his large hand on her slender back. He flooded through her. His darkness becoming the shadows her light created. His power becoming the night sky that allowed her stars to shine. It wasn’t peace that swirled through her at his touch, but completion. His darkness completing her light. 

 

She sucked in a deep breath when the electricity jumped between them. He knelt down, so close to her, the heat from his body warmed her back.

 

“I have never lied to you, Rey,” he breath brushed over the shell of her ear and neck.

 

She shivered, and leaned into him slightly, her eyes still trained on the fire before her. “I know.”


	4. Become What You Were Meant

:Chapter Four:

 

For 6 months he had been able to put her from his mind. And if it wasn’t actually putting her from his mind, thoughts of her didn’t intrude on him at every moment of the day. They had had no contact. Their bridge was silent. And he had been, if not relieved, grateful. 

 

But now, that she had opened the bridge up again, he could not get through an hour without his thoughts straying to her. Without wondering where she was. If she still hated him. If she was as lonely as he. If she missed their bond as much as he found himself missing it. 

 

He gave a harsh laugh, causing Admiral Hux to stop mid sentence and look at him questioningly.

 

“Did you find something I said amusing, Supreme Leader Ren?” Hux asked snidely. 

 

Kylo, stared him down, remaining silent until Hux continued on with his inane diatribe on how Kylo was wasting his time focusing on finding the last remnants of the Resistance and destroying them, instead of securing his reign by overthrowing the last remaining planets who backed the Resistance.

 

“Are you finished?” he finally asked Hux, cutting him off in the middle of a sentence.

 

“I just…” Hux floundered, grabbing at his throat where a phantom hand was squeezing the breath from  him.

 

“I have no more time to sit here and listen to you whine. I refuse to listen to you question my actions and undermine my commands. I do not need to share my reasoning on any order with you. I am Supreme Leader, and you will obey my wishes. Is that clear, Admiral?” His voice was low and completely menacing.

 

Releasing Hux, the man fell to his knees and placed one hand on the ground, gasping for breath. Kylo looked down on him from Snoke’s throne. 

 

“Escort the Admiral, from my presence,” he addressed the men standing around the outside of the room. 

 

The Knights of Ren stepped forward from their places along the outskirts of the room and moved to remove Hux from the room.

 

Finally alone, Kylo rose from the throne, and made his way to the lift door. Stepping in when it arrived, he pressed a few buttons, and it sped him to his suite of rooms.

 

.

 

Alone in his rooms, he stripped from his robes and cowl, and stepped into the ‘fresher. The water as hot as he could possibly stand it. It was his penance. The heat stinging his skin, like a whip. He had thought it would help. To drive her from his mind. But all it did was to bring her closer. To open him up to the bombardment of her tumultuous thoughts. 

 

Something had happened. He could feel it radiating across the galaxy. Something momentous for her, and something he considered that she was unable to process in a quiet way. Her thoughts were spinning and whirling through him. Not one coherent, but disturbing nonetheless. She needed to learn control. He could not deal with this when his own mind was so turbulent on it’s own.

 

Stepping from the ‘fresher, he toweled dry and slipped on a pair of loose pants that tied at the waist. His hair hung in damp waves about his face. He needed to stop this. To stop her from spiraling into the darkness he knew so well. He might embrace the dark but she was made for the light.

 

Breathing deeply, he pushed out with the Force, and bridged the distance between them.  The rushing sound was loud in his ears until the silence of the void he shared with her alone, enveloped him. She knew he was there. He could feel her

 

“You need to control your thoughts. I can feel your conflict from a galaxy away. If there is no way to break this bridge between us, then you need to learn how to control your power. I cannot be constantly bombarded by you.” He could almost hear every jumbled thought in her head. Kriff, she could be infuriating.

 

Dropping his head as he heard her swift turn, he realized he was bare from the waist up. A jolt of heat coursed through him, and then he felt her pull away. A wry smile lifted his full lipped mouth.

 

“Liar,” she hissed at him. 

 

_ How dare she _ , he thought as he turned to find her face. “Liar, monster, murderous snake… you have such a colorful way of addressing me.”

 

“You lied to me,” she accused.

 

Her eyes held the same anger as the day she had told him she knew everything she needed to know about him. And he wanted to erase it. How could this scavenger, this girl, affect him so. He leaned into his anger.

 

“I’ve lied to many people, it doesn’t make you special.” His voice rose slightly.

 

He saw the shock and hurt cross her face quickly. He had managed to erase the anger in her eyes, only to replace it with a battered pain.

 

“You knew what it meant to me,” she whispered, with a catch in her voice. “And you lied to me.”

 

He frowned, unable to remember a time that he had ever lied to her. She was the one person he had always been truthful with. Even if that truth had hurt. Even if she hadn’t wanted to hear it. 

 

“And what did I lie to you about?”

 

“You told me my parents were no one. That I was no one. That they were filthy junk traders. That they sold me off like some scavenging piece they had salvaged, for drinking money. And I believed you. You lied.”

 

He blinked at her. Of everything he had said,  _ that _ had not been a lie. He had seen exactly that when they touched hands. When her power had flooded into him, catching him so completely off guard that he had no choice but to see.

 

“No.” he paused. No!” his voice rose. “That wasn’t a lie. When we touched, that is exactly what I saw. I saw them leave you with that Crolute in Niima Outpost.”

 

“Go away, Kylo. I’m tired of your lies.” She turned from him, to stare again into the fire.

 

Her use of that name seared though him. Cutting him to the bone. She had stopped calling him that. He had been Ben to her. More to her than just a faceless mask. More than just pure evil. She had seen into his soul. She had seen the tiny light that still burned fiercely there. He could not let her lose her hope in him.

 

“Where are you? I can’t see your surroundings. Only you,” he asked softly.

 

“I left. Because of my stupidity. I had to leave.”

 

“Who is with you?” His voice sounded strange to his own ears. His throat gripped with a strange anger.

 

She have a harsh laugh. “I’m alone. That seems to be my fate.”

 

At her words his body suddenly relaxed. And then it creeped in, as it always did with her. Compassion. 

 

“I told you once before… you’re not alone.”

 

She spun on him. “I’d rather be alone, if I only have you for company.”

 

Her anger lashed out at him, and he could feel the physical blow she dealt him with her words. She was so fierce and beautiful, even as hurt and battered as she was just then. Stars, she made him feel so many different things all at once.

 

“You used the one thing that you knew would break me. That would shatter me to the point of no return. I was foolish to believe you could be redeemed. A foolish, naive, child, who didn’t know any better. And  you…”

 

“Enough!  _ Kriff _ ! I did not lie to you.

 

“When I touched your hand, that  _ is _ what I saw. It was what you remembered. All you remembered. If there was another story, then I did not see it. It is hidden from me as it is from you.  

 

“I have done many things, but I have never lied to you, girl,” he finished his rant as he paced around in whatever room he was in.

 

He stopped his pacing and turned to watch her face. He saw the moment she realized he was telling her the truth. The moment she realized he had always told her the truth. She struggled with the thought, the battle written on her face, but she wasn’t one to deny what was right in front of her.

 

He thought back to the interrogation room.

 

_ “Where are the others? The ones who were fighting with me?” She had demanded. _

 

_ He made a rude noise.. “You mean the traitors, murderers, and thieves you call friends? Consider carefully now: I could easily tell you they were all killed, righteously slain in battle. But I would prefer to be honest with you from the beginning…” _

 

He wasn’t sure why he had been honest with her from the beginning. She had intrigued him. This untrained nobody who was his equal in the force. He was drawn to her in a way he had never been drawn to another being.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered to the fire.

 

Her words brought him back to the present. “What did you say?”

 

She glanced over her shoulder, eye level with his knees from her seat on the floor. “You have never lied to me. I… I just…” She bent her head over her knees that were pulled to her chest, and hiccuped as she tried to hide a sob.

 

He suddenly felt helpless. He had no idea what to do in a situation like this. He wanted to touch her, to console her, but to touch her would mean that rush of electricity and power that came with it. That bareing of his soul to her in a very intimate way. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that again.

 

He stood above her, helpless as to what to do. Her fear and confusion battered his already strained mind. He found himself reaching out a hand to her. It hovered over her back. Close enough that he could feel the vibration of her power, but still not touching. 

 

Another sob, shook her body and he bridged the space between them, placing his large hand on her slender back. She flooded through him. Her light brightening his darkness to mere shadows. Her power shining light stars in the night sky of his. It wasn’t peace that swirled through him at the touch, but completion. Her light completing his darkness. 

 

He breathed deeply as the electricity jumped between them. He needed to get closer to her. To absorb more of her heat and light. She gave with reckless abandon, and he couldn't deny himself the small pleasure of basking in her power. He knelt down, so close to her, he could feel her chilled skin warm to his.

 

“I have never lied to you, Rey,” he breath brushed over the shell of her ear and neck.

 

She shivered, and leaned into him slightly, her eyes still trained on the fire before her. “I know.”


	5. Pathetic Child

She didn’t remember falling asleep. He had remained with her. His silence filling the void within her. His power humming through her, as they remained connected. Sometime between then and now, she must have fallen asleep. And she awoke alone.

 

Rey felt empty somehow.  And more alone than she had ever felt before. And she despised herself for it. Why did she care?! He was evil. He had killed his father. Had tried to kill his uncle. She should want no part of him. But something within her reached out to him. And she was ashamed. 

 

She did not understand this connection. If she was honest, she truly didn’t understand the Force either. To Kylo and Luke, the Force was absolutes. Dark and light. Right and wrong. But the books she had read, and this island itself, made her think there was something more. It was actually something she had begun to think about after one of her lessons with Luke.

 

_ “What do you see?” he asked, his hand upon her own. _

_   
_ _ Taking a deep breath, she reached out with what power she could control. “The island. Life. Death and decay, that feeds new life. Warmth. Cold. Peace. Violence.” _

_   
_ _ “And between it all?” His voice had taken on a softer tone. _

_   
_ _ “Balance and energy. A force,” she said slightly in awe. _

_   
_ _ “And inside you?” _

_   
_ _ “Inside me, that same force.” _

 

Balance. That was how she felt when Ben touched her. As if everything settled. As if her world finally found the solid foundation it had been searching for. But that could not be. All Ben wanted from her was power. Power to rule the galaxy. And that was not a path she was willing to tread. She had been foolish to believe he had wanted anything more from her. And the thought twisted itself in her chest.

 

Shifting on the hard floor of the hut, she stretched out the aches in her muscles. Sunlight streamed in from the high round holes used for light and air. As she moved to stand, she found she needed to untangle herself from two blankets. Frowning she tried to remember grabbing a second blanket. With a shrug, she tossed them both to the bed, and walked outside. Taking a deep breath, she lifted her face to the sun, and relished the damp wind that brushed against it.

 

With a glance around, her eyes fell on Luke’s old dwelling. Taking a deep breath, she moved towards it and entered through the metal door. Taking in the single room as her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she walked over to the small alcove where Luke had kept his treasures. 

 

Running her fingers over each piece, she found herself drawn to a trinket hanging in the alcove. Picking it up, she studied what looked like a necklace with a red kyber crystal hanging from it. It was made with a leather thong and slide. At the base the crystal was held in an aged metal fitting. The crystal looked broken as if it had fractured from a larger crystal. Holding it in her closed hand, she could feel the darkness pulsing through it.

 

Quickly putting it down, her eyes fell on what looked to be a round metal box with a glowing blue stone set inside. Picking it up, Rey gently turned it over in her hand. It was a beautiful piece, engraved with lines, connecting different sized holes. She had never seen anything like this before.

 

It happened so fast, she barely had a moment to process the rushing and then the silence. She spun, finding him so close she needed to take a step back. He was dressed again, in his preferred uninterrupted black. Their eyes met, and held. 

 

“It’s a compass.” 

 

She looked down at the piece she still held in her hand. “A compass.”

 

“To the first Jedi Temple. My uncle gave it to me when I was sent to him to be trained.”

 

“To the Jedi Temple?” She repeated softly.

 

“Yes. It was something Luke wanted to find desperately. I always wondered if he found it.” 

 

She knew he was asking her a question, but remained silent, staring at the compass. She wanted to open it but no matter how she turned it in her hands, she could not find a latch to lift the lid.

 

“You need to channel the Force and then pass your hand over the stone to open it,” he answered her unspoken question.

 

Her eyes flickered up to his face quickly, surprised that he answered what she had not voiced. Closing her eyes she tried to channel the Force as she passed her over the box.  Opening them she found the box exactly the same as it was. She sighed and her shoulders fell.

 

“Like this,” his voice held a note of humor. 

 

Rey glanced at him again, glowering at him from beneath her brows. His eyes met hers, and a small smiled lifted the left side of his mouth as he passed his hand over the box in hers. The metal warmed as the supraluminite lodestone began to glow blue. There was a metallic click and the top of the box separated from the bottom. Fascinated, Rey lifted the lid, and found the interior of the box had metal dials with Aurebesh writing inside denoting some “space” version of North, South, East, and West with a needle to point the way.

 

“Beautiful,” her voice came out in a hushed whisper.

 

“Yes,” his gentle voice broke over her.

 

Lifting her eyes from the box to him, she found his, intent on her face. As the heat rose to her cheeks, she quickly closed the box and placed it back in the alcove. 

 

“Why are you here, Kylo?” she asked with her back to him.

 

“You use to call me something else.”

 

“When I thought you could be someone else.” she countered quickly, trying to pull herself from his spell.

 

“How do you know I can’t?”

 

Rey turned and found him merely inches away. She needed to lift her face to look at him. Their noses coming within inches of eachother. His dark eyes held hers, as she sucked in her breath through her nose and tried to step away. Her back was against the wall. He didn’t crowd her any further but he also didn’t move away. It was as if she was held there. Her power dancing with his, twisting upon themselves until they became infinitely entwined in an unbreakable thread.

 

Gulping in a breath of air, she answered him. “Because I am not enough to help you be him. I was not enough for Luke to train. I was not enough for my parents to stay. I am not enough to become what I was meant to be.”

 

“And what were you meant to be, Rey?” His dark eyes held her lighter ones, and they studied her face as if to memorize it forever. 

 

She found it hard to breath with him so close, hard to concentrate with the heat of his body radiating into hers. 

 

“Tell me, Rey. What were you meant to be? A scavenger? A rebel? A Jedi?” He pushed, although he didn't move.

 

“I--” Her thoughts were spinning being so close to him.

 

“They all pale in comparison to what you could be.” His voice was soft, but still rough, grating over her skin like sand in the Jakku desert, causing her skin to tighten.

 

Anger suddenly filled her. Would he never stop wanting her power? 

 

“And what is that?” she asked heatedly.

 

Startled, he pulled back suddenly and then was gone, leaving her empty, and utterly alone again.  Rey released the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, her whole body sagging. How does he do this to her every time. How was he able to draw her in, and then shatter her in one breath. She felt a bone deep exhaustion. They could not go on like this. Somehow, their bridge had to be severed. She would eventually reconcile with the thought that she could not save him. Somehow, she would learn to live with that failure. But she could not go on being battered by the tension he caused in her. 

She should hate him. Should despise him for what he had done to Han. She should revile him for what he was doing to her. But she could not bring herself to it. She could not look at him and not feel compassion for the child he must have been. What had happened to turn him away from the light. He hadn’t been born to the darkness. From just the way Leia and Luke spoke about him as a child, he had been raised in the light. Where did it all change? Why? 

 

With a growl, Rey brushed her fingers over her eyes, trying to rid herself of thoughts of him. She would not waste her time, trying to understand the enigma that was Kylo Ren. She had offered him her help and he had turned his back on her. She was done. 

 

With a last look at the alcove of Luke’s treasures, she picked up the compass again, and left the hut. The day had moved along while she was inside, and the sun was at its zenith when she exited. Needing to do something to keep her mind from the one thing it seemed to focus on, she decided to head to the Jedi Temple and the meditation ledge. 

 

Tucking the compass in a leather pouch that hung from her hip, she gathered her staff and headed across the island. The hike up to the temple, left no time for thoughts of a certain brooding, dark, man. Her thighs ached, and her chest burned by the time she found herself at the entrance to the temple. Heading to the meditation ledge, and seated herself on the stone, staring off into the horizon.

 

The sun overhead warmed her neck and back while she found herself wondering where Luke had been when had passed into the Force. Turning the compass over in her hands, she pushed out with the Force to try and discover his last moments. Here, she thought. It held the most power, and would have aided him in projecting his image across the galaxy to help his sister and what was left of the resistance. 

 

It wasn’t a warm feeling she had when she thought of him. He had pushed her away. Refusing to teach her, and then finally agreeing, only to expound on why the Jedi Order had to be ended. He had made her angry and hurt, but in the end, he had given everything to save what was left of the last hope of the galaxy. She couldn’t hate him for that.

 

Respect. Yes, she respected him for his beliefs and for his selflessness. In the end he had helped, creating a new legend for beings who were losing hope all over the galaxy. The Jedi Master who saved the last spark of hope.

 

“He’s not a god,” his voice came from deep in the temple behind her. 

 

Rey turned, and sighed. She was tired and wanted no part of the tug of war they seemed to be destined to play. 

 

“Always envy. No, he was not a god, but his deeds made him immortal. That’s more than can ever be said for you. You will be relegated to a side note, the child of two great generals, who could not stand to be in their shadow.”

 

“You have no idea what my childhood was like.” His voice rose in anger at her belittling him.

 

“You had two parents who loved you. You had food to fill your belly and a place to lay your head. You were warm and safe. Don’t think you’re childhood was wrought with pain. You have chosen the wrong person to cry to.” 

 

She was angry. Pushing herself off the rock she sat on, she stalked into the temple and up to him. The anger radiated from her, pushing at him, and making him take a step back.

 

“I didn’t mean…” he started then stopped. “Yes, I had all of those things. And yet…”

 

“It wasn’t enough? Why is nothing ever enough for you?” she lashed out at him, not just for her childhood but for the woman she was now.

 

He looked at her, his eyes taking in her face, and said nothing. Reaching out his gloved hand, he wiped the tear from her cheek. His eyes moved from her face to the drop of water that glistened on the black leather of his glove.

 

“What was it like?” he whispered, dropping his hand and looking intently at her.

 

Rey gasped as his words brought the memories back. “You saw, why do you need me to tell you?”

 

His eyes softened at her plea. “I only saw them leave you. Show me.”

 

She watched as he pulled his glove from his hand, and reached out to her. Her eyes moved from his face to the offered hand. She hesitated, knowing what would happen. Knowing she would let him in and her soul would be bared, just as his would to her. 

 

She shook her head, not sure she could handle that connection.

 

“Please.” he whispered, his eyes open and honest.

 

Slowly, she lifted her hand, bridging the distance between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking this journey with me. I would love to know what you think so far. Your comments are what keep me writing!


	6. A Boy In A Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for one more Kylo/Ben centric chapter before things start to come together. Thank you so much for taking this journey with me, because I'm not even sure where we're going yet. Your comments are my inspiration to write!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay on this chapter. Life and work have finally caught up with me, but by the end of this week, I should be back on track!

 

:Chapter Six:

 

They sat in silence, his hand pressed to her slender back. It felt right there. As if a piece of him had finally fallen into place. She steadied him. Put everything into balance. It was certainly not something he was use to or even knew if he wanted. But he could not walk away from her.

 

He watched as she grew sleepy, her eyes fluttering closed every so often until her dusky lashes finally lay on her flushed cheeks. She had grown heavy against him and he loathed to move her weight from his side. But he knew he could not stay. No matter how much he wanted to.

 

Using the Force, he floated another blanket over from her open pack and tucked it around her. Sliding his arm from her back to cradle her against him, he remained. He knew he should leave. Knew he needed to go, but he kept telling himself it would just be a few more minutes. As the sun began to rise from the dark waters of the sea, he knew it was time. Sliding her weight from him, he gently laid her on the floor where they sat. He didn’t imagine she would take kindly to him carrying her to the palette and tucking her in there.

 

Leaning over her one last time, he brushed a hand against her cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and slowly faded back to where he belonged. Alone in his rooms, his hand still felt the softness of her hair on his fingertips. His body still felt the weight of hers against his side. He scrubbed at his face with both hands before running them through his dark waves. Part of him wished he could scrub her from this mind the way he scrubbed the tiredness from his face.

 

But a deeper part of him, one that he had tried to forget was there, never wanted to let go. He wanted to hold on to her with both hands. And he hated himself for it. For the need of her. For the weakness of wanting her. Of wanting something good and right in his life. She was like a drug that he simply couldn’t stay away from. And the more he got, the more he wanted.

 

But he knew that it couldn’t go on. He would only smother the light that drew him to her. He would destroy everything that made her desirable to him. It was what he did. And he hated himself for that too. Curling his fingers in, he drove his fist into the wall before him. The pain radiated up his hand into his wrist and forearm. Lifting his hand, he spread his fingers and looked at the damage. They were bloody and bruised, and he would need to see a droid at the med bay if he wanted them to heal correctly.

 

A beep at the door brought him back to the present. Moving to it, he pressed a panel, and waited as it slid open to reveal a young officer. The young woman stood there, terrified and trying not to fidget.

 

“Report,” he ordered.

 

“Admiral Hux, asks that you attend him on the bridge, Supreme Leader.”

 

He nodded, glancing down at his hand. “You may tell Hux, that I will attend him at my earliest convenience, and at the moment it is not convenient.”

 

She gave a quick bow and turned, disappearing down the hallway.  Glancing again at his hand, he dressed and made his way to the med bay. There the med droids carefully fixed the damaged skin of his knuckles, after mending the bones he had fractured. Flexing his fingers he tested the newly healed digits. They ached slightly, but were well repaired.

 

Standing, he was sliding his hand in his glove, when he felt a shift in the force. He straightened, and remained still, reaching out with his power to find what caused the shift. At the end of the thread he followed he found her. But he also found something he had thought lost to another lifetime.

 

Reaching further, he stopped just before he touched her mind. Hearing the rushing and then the silence was becoming less disturbing and more familiar to him. He watched as she spun, a round silver box in her hand. So his uncle had found it in the rubble of the destroyed Jedi Temple, he thought. His eyes met hers, and held.

 

“It’s a compass.”

 

“A compass?” she repeated, slightly in awe.

 

“To the first Jedi Temple. Luke gave it to me when I was sent to him to be trained.”

 

He could remember it sitting on the table next to his bed. His uncle had told him the story of discovering it on Pillio in the Emperor’s observatory.

 

“To the Jedi Temple?”

 

“Yes. It was something Luke wanted to find desperately. I always wondered if he found it.”

 

He was asking, without asking, if Luke had found what he had been seeking, but she remained silent on that account. He watched as she turned the box in her hands, searching for a latch or a way to open it.

 

“You need to channel the Force and then pass your hand over the stone to open it,” he answered her unspoken question.

 

He saw the surprise cross her face when he answered her unspoken question. Her eyes quickly flickered to his face before she closed them and focused her mind drawing in the Force as she passed her hand over the box. He watched, the box remaining silent and closed, as disappointment replaced the focus. She sighed and her shoulders fell.

 

He found himself wanting to smile. Something that he found happening often around her.

 

“Like this.”

 

Her glowering at him from beneath her winged brows, had a small smile lifting his full mouth. His eyes met hers, as he passed his hand over the box in hers. He watched as amazement washed over her lovely face, lighting her eyes. Her full lips parted slightly as she studied the glowing stone and shimmering box. He was held within her spell, whether she knew it or not. Her simple joy, radiating from her, lighting her face to brilliancy. He could not take his eyes from her.

 

“Beautiful,” her voice came out in a hushed whisper.

 

“Yes,” he agreed, not at all referring to the box she held.

 

When her eyes met his, he had been intent on studying her face. He saw the heat flame her cheeks, and the embarrassment she suddenly tried to cover as she quickly closed the box and placed it back in the alcove.

 

“Why are you here, Kylo?” she asked with her back to him.

 

He was beginning to hate the sound of that name on her lips. It was someone else. Someone he was before she came into his life.

 

“You use to call me something else.”

 

“When I thought you could be someone else.” she countered quickly, giving her head a little shake.

 

“How do you know I can’t?”

 

He moved so close to her that she needed to lift her face to look at him. Their noses came within inches of eachother. He watched the heat and the confusion in her eyes, as she sucked in her breath through her nose and tried to step away. Her back was against the wall. He remained where he was. Not giving an inch, but not taking either. He was unable to move, his power dancing with her’s, twisting upon themselves until they became infinitely entwined in an unbreakable thread.

 

She gasped slightly before answering him. “Because I am not enough to help you be him. I was not enough for Luke to train. I was not enough for my parents to stay. I am not enough to become what I was meant to be.”

 

He hated to see the pain in her eyes. Pain he knew that he had caused.

 

“And what were you meant to be, Rey?” His dark eyes held her lighter ones, studying her face as if to memorize it forever.

 

He found it hard to breathe with her so close, hard to concentrate with the heat of her body radiating into his.

 

“Tell me, Rey. What were you meant to be? A scavenger? A rebel? A Jedi?” He pushed at her.

 

“I--” He could see her struggling with an answer.

 

He found his thoughts on his tongue and he was unable to keep them back. “They all pale in comparison to what you could be.”

 

He saw her brow furrow as he spoke, and anger flash in her eyes.

 

“And what is that?” she asked heatedly.

 

_My salvation,_ were the words that drifted through his mind at her question. Startled, he pulled away from her and found himself back in the med bay.

 

What was he doing? She was his enemy. The one thing that stood between him and his ultimate goal. The complete eradication of the Jedi. That was what he wanted. To finish what his grandfather had begun.

 

Wasn’t it?

 

He had been focused on his anger and resentment for so long, he became blinded by his ambition. Had seen nothing else. Had wanted nothing else. But is that what he still wanted?

 

Yes.

 

And no.

 

He wanted to bring a new order to the galaxy. The Resistance was clinging to old ways of the Republic that hadn’t worked, even when they were implemented. They had failed to see the rise of the First Order. They had turned a blind eye to the undercurrents of the political spectrum because they thought themselves righteous and infallible. Nothing would come of the grumblings and rumors because the Republic was never wrong. After all they had the Jedi Order on their side. And in their hubris, they turned their back on anything that didn’t compliment their high minded thinking.

 

The First Order, had come swooping in, fighting against the crumbling Republic. They twisted morals, and followed what suited them at the time. The rich became richer, and the poor were ground beneath the feet of the wealthy. They wanted order and had a plan to bring it to the galaxy. And yet, they were no better than the Empire before them. They ruled through fear and brutality. They squashed the small insurrections and kept the population under their thumb. Everyone lived in fear and only the wealthy were able to pay enough for the First Order to turn a blind eye from their business dealings.

 

He had once thought that he could work through the First Order to change the galaxy into what he envisioned.  Until he realized that he was simply another pawn, to be used in a larger game of chess. Snoke had used him. He could admit it now, although it was not easy.

 

Shaking himself from his maudlin thoughts, he realized he had left Admiral Hux waiting long enough. Leaving the med bay, he stalked to the bridge where he found Hux, fuming in silence. Standing there, he listened to him expound on how the First Order’s resources were stretched thin by having them split in different directions.

 

Barely listening, Kylo began to form a plan. It hadn’t been a thought before he had arrived on the bridge, but as Hux droned on, it simply came to him and once it had he couldn't shake the idea.

 

“You’re right,” he finally spoke, causing Hux to stop speaking.

 

“Excuse me?” Hux asked, as if he had not heard him correctly.

 

“You are right. Recall the troops we sent after General Organa and the fragment left of the Resistance forces. Send them to the front to join our forces there. I will go and rout out the remaining cell of The Resistance that escaped from Crait.”

 

Hux blinked at him. “You, Supreme Leader?”

 

“Yes. I will take my ship and go alone. You will lead the First Order in subduing the remaining planets who are still clinging to the old ways of the Republic.”

 

“But, Supreme Leader--”

 

Kylo cut him off. “ Are you questioning my orders, Admiral Hux?”

 

“No, Supreme Leader.”

 

“Do you find yourself unable to perform your duties in my absence?”

 

“No, Supreme Leader.”

 

“Then what is the problem, Admiral?”

 

“There is no problem, Supreme Leader Ren. I will do as you have ordered.”

 

Kylo studied him, his dark eyes boring into him.

 

“See that it is done. Have my ship readied. I leave within the hour.”

 

He turned, stalking from the bridge, not waiting for Hux’s answer. Upon returning to his rooms, he found his go-pack and began to go through it. He had no idea what he needed. Had no idea where he was going, if he was being honest. He just knew he had to leave.

 

With a final glance around his rooms he zipped the pack and pressed a button, calling for a droid to deliver it to his ship. Once the droid had left, he stood alone and let the silence envelope him. Except it wasn’t silence. Hadn’t been silence since she had opened the link again. It was as soft vibration, as if her power hummed a melody along his skin.

 

When it first happened, it had tortured him to feel it. But he had begun to get used to it after a time. And now, he woke searching for it. When she had cut their bond off, it had set him on edge, not feeling the connection at every waking moment. At some point, he had begun to crave the sensation, afraid of what it meant. When she had reopened their bridge, he had felt like a man without water who had finally been given something to drink.

 

Taking a deep breath, he looked around the room and his eyes landed on the crystal. Making a split second decision, he scooped it up in his gloved hand and secreted it away in a pocket of his robes. There was nothing left here for him.

 

Upon arriving on the docking bay, he walked straight to his ship The Silencer. There was no one there to say goodbye. No one to wish him well, or god’s speed. He hadn’t thought of it before, just how alone he was. Without thinking, he reached out to her, brushing against her power just to feel it there.

 

Without a glance behind him he entered his ship, closing the gangway. Sitting at the controls, he punched in coordinates and pressed the button to start the lifters. He knew Hux was aware of him leaving, but he had no desire to get into another pissing contest with him.

 

His ship had left the bay before he even realized it, and the jump to lightspeed followed quickly. As the stars streamed into blurred lines around him, he reached out again, to feel her power brush against his. When he did, he felt the confusion in her mind and pushed further. The rushing and then the void came upon him. He knew she was thinking about Luke.

 

He found himself in a cave. Light streamed in from an opening to his right. Turning to it, he found her seated on a large boulder, legs crossed before her, head bowed.

 

“He’s not a god,” he said.

 

Rey turned, and sighed. She looked away again, and lifted her head to stare into the horizon.

 

“Always envy. No, he was not a god, but his deeds made him immortal. That’s more than can ever be said for you. You will be relegated to a side note, the child of two great generals, who could not stand to be in their shadow.”

 

His anger rose to the surface, at her glib comment. “You have no idea what my childhood was like.”

 

She spun on him. “You had two parents who loved you. You had food to fill your belly and a place to lay your head. You were warm and safe. Don’t think you’re childhood was wrought with pain. You have chosen the wrong person to cry to.”

 

Her anger radiated off of her, pushing at him, and making him take a step back. Pushing herself off the rock she sat on, she stalked into the temple and up to him.

 

“I didn’t mean…” he started then stopped.  How did he make this right?

 

“Yes, I had all of those things. And yet…”

 

“It wasn’t enough? Why is nothing ever enough for you?” she lashed out at him, not just for her childhood but for the woman she was now.

 

He looked at her, taking in her face, the tears glistening unshed in her eyes, and said nothing. Unable to look anywhere else he watched, a tear like a single star dropping from the darkness of her eyes, fell down her cheek. Reaching out, he caught it with his finger. His eyes moved from her face to the drop of water that glistened on the black leather of his glove.

 

She was right. He was always looking for more. Past the horizon to what could be next. He never stood in the here and now. It had been too painful, even as a child. But perhaps, just this once, he could look back.

 

“What was it like?” he whispered, dropping his hand and looking intently at her.

 

Rey gasped as his words brought the memories back. “You saw, why do you need me to tell you?”

 

His eyes softened at her plea. “I only saw them leave you. Show me.”

 

He pulled his glove from his hand, knowing what he was doing. Knowing that if she let him in, that he would have to open himself to her. To bare his soul to her and let her see everything. But he felt no hesitation. Her eyes met his, and she shook her head, her fear written on her face.

 

“Please.” he whispered, his eyes open and honest.

 

Slowly, she lifted her hand, bridging the distance between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive any mistakes, I am trying to get these out to you as quickly as possible, and as I do not have a beta, there are grammatical and/or spelling errors that I may have missed.


	7. I Know Everything I Need To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we have made it to the memories. I'm super nervous about posting this chapter because of the liberties I took with their back stories, and some of it may be triggering for some people. Please read at your own risk.

:Chapter Seven:

 

Her heart beat wildly as she reached out to him. Her breath came in pants. She had wanted to forget, had tried so very hard to forget it all. But in order to see his childhood, she had to relive her own. And perhaps, the torture was worth the pain to be able to understand him.

 

He waited, his hand outstretched to her, offering her everything he was. Never had he done that before. He had always held part of himself back. He had learned at an early age to protect that which was most vulnerable. And he had, from his parents, from Snoke, he had hidden that part of himself away.  And now here he was offering it to the only one in the universe that could destroy him.

 

Like back on Ahch-To, their hands hovered in space, separated by the mearest fraction of a breath. Neither knew who it was that bridged the gap, but both gasped as their hands came together. Their power swirled, each fighting for dominance, until they settled into a dance, who’s steps they learned together.

 

.

 

:6:

The heat blasted into the cool interior of the ship as the gangway opened. Rough hands grabbed her, and jolted her awake. Startled and frightened, she started to whimper. A rough tug and a slap to the back of her head ended that. Never to the body or face, marks made her worth less. 

 

Two voices growling orders, and then the blinding light of outside. She could barely see. Her eyes watered horribly, and she fell to her knees on the uneven sand. She was yanked to her feet, another voice added to the two. She blinked, trying to clear her eyes, but they just kept tearing. New hands grabbing her roughly, the voices melding into a cacophony of sound with no meaning. 

 

Her heart fluttered, and nausea pressed on her throat. They were leaving. They were leaving  _ her _ . They needed to stop. They needed to take her with them. She tried pulling away, but the hand that held her was stronger. No, they couldn’t leave her. She had to get to them. 

 

“No! Come back!” she screamed to the sky.

 

.

 

:6:

Their voices were raised again. Their words vibrated off the walls, echoing into his room. The light next to his bed was on but he burrowed beneath his blankets, hiding from the anger that permeated his home. He heard his father’s voice become muffled, as if he were walking further away, but his mother’s voice remained. And then he was back. 

 

It was always the same. His parent’s fought for three reasons. The first being his father’s smuggling. The second, being his mother’s obsessive dedication to her job. The last being him. Tonight they were fighting about his father leaving again. But it didn’t matter, they would run through that and into his mother’s job, and then finally end up with him. They always did. It didn’t matter where they started the argument, it somehow always came around to him.

 

He hadn’t asked for it. This power that filled him. Didn’t want it, even. But no one asked him that. No one seemed to care what he wanted. His father either bullied him or stayed away from him, and his mother either pushed him or coddled him. So he tried his best to remain invisible. Tried his best not to stand out or do something that would call attention. And he usually failed… spectacularly. At least that was what he believed. Because no matter what he did, or didn’t do, their arguing always came around to him.

 

“And tell that kid to shut his damn light off!” his father yelled just before the door slammed. 

 

He rolled over, flicking the light off with the Force, as he bit back a sob. 

 

_ But I’m afraid of the dark _ , he wanted to scream. But he remained silent as he stared wide eyed into the black of his room.

 

.

 

:10:

Her chin was caught in rough hands. Her head jerked back and forth. A hulking shadow stood before her and behind her. 

 

“This one,” the unfamiliar voice said.

 

“That one’s mine,” Unkar Plutt disagreed, putting a possessive hand on her shoulder.

 

“But she’s the prettiest. I need pretty children. My clients  _ want _ pretty children,” the voice haggled.

 

“She’s mine,” Unkar refused to budge.

 

A number was thrown out. An obscene amount that even made her blink. Unkar’s hand on her shoulder relaxed a bit. She could feel his eyes bore into her profile.

 

“Find a different one, she’s mine,” he finally said.

 

The two moved on and she sagged with relief. Sometime later she watched others, bound and tied together, being herded onto the flesh peddlers ship. 

 

Unkar’s voice startled her. “I expect you to do twice the amount of work, girl. If you weren’t so little and didn’t fit into spaces the others couldn’t, you’d be on that ship too.”

 

She stared up at the huge Crolute. 

 

“And just remember, girl. He’ll be back for more.”

 

.

 

:10:

“What the  _ kriff _ are you doing?” he father yelled when he found him in the cockpit of the Falcon.

 

He wished he had listened to his mother and stayed outside, but the call of the electronics and gadgets in the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon were too much of a pull for him to resist. His father had caught him red handed with wires pulled out and disconnected.

 

He had been exploring the mechanics of the hyperdrive and found the wiring was rigged and ready to fail. He had been studying his father’s old mechanical books and knew he could fix the problem and improve on the chaos that was there.

 

But his father always reacted first and asked questions later. He had been like that for as long as he could remember. Even his mother would admonish his father for reacting before he had all of the facts.

 

He went to answer, but his father grabbed him by the arm and pulled him from the wreckage of the cockpit. Dragging him through the ship and down the gangway, his father bellowed his mother’s name the whole time.

 

“What’s wrong?” She finally appeared.

 

“Do you know what this little bandit just did?”

 

He pulled him in front of his mother. She looked down at him, her eyes tired and her lips pressed together.

 

“What happened, Ben?”

 

He opened his mouth to speak but his father cut him off again. Expounding on all of his faults.

 

“I just wanted to help,” he whispered, although no one heard him.

 

.

 

:13:

They hunted in packs for Unkar Plutt. Supposedly there was safety in numbers. But she never felt safe with any of the others. They didn’t like that she was always bringing in the best haul. It wasn’t her fault that she seemed to innately find pieces that others couldn’t. They certainly didn’t like that Unkar favored her (if you could call it that) over everyone else. She had never forgotten his threat to send her with the flesh peddler if she didn’t pull double her weight.

 

That day she was paired with two older children, a boy, Jen, and a girl, Dara, and another girl, Kip, her age. The older boy and girl her age were siblings and always had it out for her. They had climbed into one of the wrecked star destroyers that was far out into the desert. Climbing into one of the long tunnels, they walked until the came to the end, finding themselves at an edge that dropped off into inky blackness.

 

“I vote Rey goes down,” Jen announced to the rest of them. 

 

Rey glanced at the others. She was the best climber, but Jen and Dara were much stronger than her, and Kip was smaller. She had no doubts the other two would follow Jen’s lead. They always did. Like two Bantha following the herd, neither ever had an original thought.

 

“Fine,” she agreed, reaching for the rope Dara was holding. 

 

Tying it around her waist, she began her descent down the side of the wall. Pickings were numerous on this wreck. It was probably too far out for a single scavenger to pick over on their own so it had been left alone until now. Pulling the net bag she carried off her back, she filled it with her findings. when it was full, she untied the rope from her waist and tied it to the bag. It was too heavy for her to climb up with, so the three of them would pull it up and then send the rope back for her. It was the way every pack worked. 

 

As she watched the net disappear into the darkness above her, she had a strange feeling, like a chill that ran down her back. She didn’t know where it came from, but she was inclined to pay attention to it. Her instincts had never failed her before. 

 

As her wait became longer, the feeling took root in her chest, a weight spreading through her.

 

“Jen?” she called up into the blackness. “Dara? Kip?”

 

Her voice echoed off of the steel interior of the star destroyer, but there was no answering response.  She called again, and still nothing. She wasn’t a stupid girl, she knew what had happened. The only question now was up or down?  She knew how far she had climbed to get to where she was, but she had no idea how much farther the bottom of the ship went. 

 

Her arms had begun to tire, slightly trembling in protest at even her slight weight. Slowly, her arms and legs weak from exertion pulled her up to the tunnel she had started from. There she curled up, shivering as the desert night turned cold and wind whipped down the tunnel. Her stomach growled, as she tried to remember the last time she ate. This haul was supposed to get her the portions she needed. She would never make it back to Niima Outpost now. The desert was no place to be at night.

 

“There is nothing in the darkness that is not there in the light,” she whispered, unafraid of the night.

 

Laying down, she closed her eyes, picturing a double sun, shining down on the blue of an ocean dotted with green islands. She hummed to herself, a melody half remember, from where she did not know.

 

.

 

:13:

“Darling, I think this is the best decision,” his mother said gently to him.

 

She was always trying to make her decisions sting less by saying them gently to him. But it didn’t matter how she said it, it stung all the same.

 

“I don’t want to go,” his young petulant voice answered.

 

“Ben, your mother and I made a decision. You are going.” His father’s tone brooked no argument.

 

But he was not one to stand down when he was unhappy.

 

“I don’t want to go with Uncle Luke. I want to stay here, with you.” He could hear the whine in his own voice.

 

“Ben, you will be coming to learn the ways of the Force. There will be other children there like you. Other children you can learn with and from.”

 

“I want to stay here, with my parents,” his voice rose, cracking like the adolescent he was. “ I don’t want to go to some backwater planet to learn to become a Jedi. Why can’t I learn it here?”

 

“Enough! You are going. You leave with your uncle tomorrow. Now go to your room and pack a bag.” His father ordered.

 

He glared at him, before turning and doing as he was commanded. Anger boiled beneath the surface. Resentment for his parents who were making choices for him without asking him what he wanted. Upon entering the room, a metal figure sitting on his dresser caught his eye. 

 

He had loved creating things out of scrap metal he found and he had created some amazing things. A copy of an X-wing fighter, a miniature of his father’s ship the Millennium Falcon, a tiny Star Cruiser, all made from memory and by his hand. Grabbing the Falcon, he didn’t think, he just let his anger pour from him and simply reacted. It smashed against his wall, followed by the others. Books, trinkets from trips with his parents, nothing was safe from his wrath. It has started with him physically destroying things, but by the time his parents and uncle reached him it was a storm of his Force power, ransacking the room. When he was done, his mother held his trembling body close to her, whispering soft words he barely understood. 

 

His father turned his back and walked away, while his uncle looked on in utter shock. 

 

“Don’t give in the the darkness, Ben,” his mother whispered in his ear. 

 

“I don’t like the darkness, Mother,” he whispered back.

 

.

 

:17:

She had been living on her own for two years now. Had found a derelict AT-AT, that had been completely picked over, sitting empty in the desert and moved in shortly after being released by Unkar Plutt. She had worked for him for as long as she could remember, until one day she didn’t.

 

“Can’t use you any more, girl. You’re too big. Get out.” He had told her.

 

She had blinked at him unsure of what exactly he was saying. When he made to knock one of his meaty fists into her head, she scurried away and disappeared. She had nothing to take with her but the clothes on her back, but she was a scavenger, and she would make due. At least she was free.

 

Freedom was a relative term. And over the last two years she began to realize how easy she had it as Unkar’s slave. But freedom was better than the threat of the flesh peddler hanging over her head. So off she went, and eked out a life for herself. And now, sitting alone on the side of the tipped AT-AT, she looked out at the setting sun, and sighed. 

 

With sundown, came the chill temperatures of the desert. She clammored down from her perch and disappeared into her makeshift home. Removing her clothing, she shook them out the hatch to get as much sand from them as possible, and then laid them next to her pallete for the morning. She slept in her breast band, and a modest pair of tight fitting shorts, snuggled beneath scavenged blankets.

 

She fell asleep quickly, her body and mind exhausted by the day’s work. But suddenly she was awoken to blackness, by rough hands pulling at the blankets. Disoriented, and frightened, she flailed wildly, trying to push the body from on top of her own. The person was stronger, and much larger than her. 

 

She couldn’t see but began to fight for her life as her attacker grabbed her legs and roughly, pinned her down with his body. Yes, it was a man. A human man. 

 

“You’re going to get exactly what you deserve, you little whore,” Jen’s rough voice echoed through the empty space, as he tore her shorts from her body. 

 

She had no time to be embarrassed as she battled him. He was bigger and stronger, but she was smaller and quicker. If only she could somehow get away from him for a moment. She was on her back with her legs pinned beneath him, but she would not give up. She clawed at his face, twisting her body every which way to get loose. All she could think about was getting to her staff. 

 

His one hand pulled down her breast band, as the other roughly grabbed her naked sex. Nausea rose in her throat. No, she thought, this was not how it was going to happen. Summoning all of her strength, she managed to buck him off of her and twisted. Scrambling to get to her staff before he came after her again, she grabbed it and swung it in an arc as she turned, connecting with the side of his head.

 

He crumpled to the floor. She stood there wide eyed and panting. Her adrenaline was racing through her body and her mind was clear. Get him out. For as slight as she was, she seemed to have the strength of a Wookie just then. Grabbing him beneath his arms, she dragged his limp body out of the hatch, and into the cold night. Leaving him just outside on the sand, she hurried back in and for the first time since she had claimed the AT-AT as her home, she locked the hatch.

 

Pulling her clothing back on, she finally fell onto her pallette. Curling into a ball, clutching her knees to her chest, she sobbed and rocked herself until the sun came up. 

 

That night was the first time she was ever afraid of the dark.

 

.

 

:17:

Alone in his small hut, he had difficulty sleeping. It was too quiet. Even away from Hanna City for four years, he still found the silence of Yavin 4 deafening. And Hanna City wasn’t much of a grand city to begin with. But it had been just enough to dampen the constant baragement of his own thoughts.

 

His mind was his very own private torture. It was in constant turmoil, fighting against the rising darkness within him. He could control it during the daylight hours. He was so busy with his training, he barely had time to breathe let alone think. But at night, when the sounds of the academy were silent, he was left alone with his demons. And he had never been good at quieting his own mind.

 

Closing his eyes, he tried to will sleep upon himself, but he found it impossible. Lying there, he opened to the Force, hoping that it would soothe him. He could feel it flowing through him. Touching each part of him. And then he felt something else.

 

It was like a soft stroking of his mind, as the thread slithered through his defences. It was different than anything he had felt before. Understanding, yet insistent, and he was curious as to what it was. This power vibrated with the darkness within him, and he knew he should push it away. But it was seductive, and continued to stroke his mind, with phantom tentacles. 

 

_ You need me,  _ it whispered without words.

 

_ I’ve been watching you.  _

 

_ I can teach you, mold you into more than you have ever imagined.  _

 

_ I will teach you.  _

 

_ I will keep you safe. _

 

_ I want you, and you will want me. _

 

The words, were brushed against his mind, and he shivered with desire at them. Yes, this is what he wanted. Someone to see him. Someone to care for him. Someone who wanted him. The power still stroked him, more insistent. 

 

Night after night, the thread would return, stroking, whispering, pulling him to the edge. And he reveled in it. Craved the intimate touch. It didn’t matter who or what it was. 

 

Each night the words were different, but always meant the same thing. I want you. I need you. I can make you into something new. He always held a part of himself back. Always protected that part of him that was vulnerable, until one night he simply gave up. 

 

He could feel the power building within him, the stroking pushing him as it seduced him. The words filling him, with need, with want. And when he finally let go of that last piece of himself, his world shattered. His body arched and a guttural moan was ripped from his throat. The darkness filled him, even as he scrambled to grab hold of that one tiny part he had let go of.  

 

A soft laugh echoed through his mind as the power pulled out and disappeared. That was the night he had stopped being afraid of the dark.

 

.

 

They pulled apart suddenly, breaking the memory bond. Rey fell to her knees, looking up at him. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and her body trembled slightly. Kylo staggered slightly but remained on his feet. His body was bowed, and he refused to look at her. 

 

It took them both a long time to recover from what they saw. The battle that was going on behind Kylo’s eyes had him speaking first.

 

“Who was he?” he bit out, anger coloring his measured voice.

 

“One of the other orphan’s who Unkar collected to work for him,” she whispered her answer.

 

“I’m going to kill him,” he stated matter of factly, as if they were having an ordinary conversation.

 

Rey gave a soft chuckle. “I think I should be flattered.”

 

He jerked his head to finally look at her. His eyes were haunted by what he has seen and shared. His jaw clenching and unclenching, while his lips were set in a thin line.

 

“He put his hands on you. He tried to rape you. He deserves nothing more than death.”

 

“He did no more than what Snoke did to you,” she went back at him.

 

“I didn’t kill Snoke because of what he did to  _ me _ .” he said softly, looking away from her again.

 

He didn’t have to say the rest of what he was thinking. She knew without words why he had killed Snoke. He would have gone on taking the abuse, but Snoke had laid his hands on her. Had violated her mind in a worse way than he had Kylo’s. 

 

“If he were still alive, I would kill Snoke for what he did to you. It was no less a rape than what I might have experienced,” she offered.

 

His eyes quickly met hers. “I allowed what happened to me.”

 

Rey shook her head. “No, you didn’t understand what was happening to you. You were so desperate for someone, anyone, to need you, that you allowed the first person who showed you any attention in. It was an invasion, and no less wrong than what was done to me.”

 

“We are both damaged in so many ways,” he thought out loud, a hint of surprise tinged his voice.

 

“Then maybe it will take the two of us to put each other back together. Neither of us can do it alone.”

 

“That first day, when you opened the bridge again… You said you needed me.”

 

Taking a deep breath, she spoke, “I do.”

 

Ben turned, not breaking eye contact, as he stepped forward and offered her his hand again. Rey took it, the surge of electricity jumping between them. She stood with his help, her eyes still on his.

 

“I need you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank all of you that have been sending kudos and commenting. It has been a long time since I've written anything that I've been passionate about but this story has taken me out of over a hear of not writing at all. I do appreciate all of you reading and hope you enjoy it as much as I do writing it. XOXO


	8. Don't Be Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Rey and Kylo think about the choices they just made. Wondering if the other was being as honest as they both want to believe. Rey get's some news that makes her double think her stay on Ahch-To and her meeting with Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on chapters will be from both Rey's and Kylo's point of view. So anyone who was getting confused by the chapters being too similar, I'm sorry, and you are welcome! ;)
> 
> I know not everyone is thrilled of my portral of Han as a father, in Kylo's memories, but please bear with me. Han would do anything for his son, including protect him from Snoke by killing himself. I love his character and promise to do him justice in the end. 
> 
> My theory on Kylo/Ben is very complex. I don't see him as a purely evil villian. I actually see him as a type of anti-hero. Doing the wrong thing for the right reason. Does the galaxy need to be changed. It most certainly does. But is his way the right way? We shall see. He still has light inside him. Of that I have no doubt.

:Chapter Eight:

 

Her heart stuttered at his words. She had never been needed before. Had never been wanted until Finn had found her on Jakku. But instead of giving her hope his words filled her with confusion. She wanted to believe him. Wanted to hope what he said, was a step away from the darkness he was cloaked in. 

 

But she found herself afraid. Doubting him, and herself. She had allowed herself to believe in him once before, and she had been tortured and almost killed because of her naivety.

 

“Let me come to you, Rey.”

 

Her name on his lips, had heat flaring within her. Pulling her hand from his, she stepped back.

 

“So you can bring the entire First Order down on me? So you can torture me on the whereabouts of the last members of the Resistance? So you can finally kill me? What makes you think that I would give you my location?”

 

He looked down at her for a moment, trying his best to bite down on his anger and annoyance at her. He had just bared his soul to her and she still didn’t believe him. 

 

“Because you need me.” He paused. “And I need you. We are inextricably linked, and I don’t believe even death will destroy it. I need your help, Rey. I need your to help me put myself back together. And I think you need the same.”

 

His eyes searched her face, waiting for her to respond. She remained silent. He could see the war going on within in her. 

 

“Tell me I’m wrong, Rey.”

 

“I can’t,” she finally responded. “Because, you’re not wrong. But I don’t trust you enough to give up my location.”

 

“What is enough? I could have killed you when you arrive on the Supremacy. I could have killed you when Snoke ordered me to. I didn’t. I couldn’t.”   
  


“I betrayed you. I left you for dead on the floor of the throne room. Why would you want to help me?”

 

“Because I betrayed you too. I knew what you wanted. What you hoped for. And I let you believe it could happen. I allowed you to believe. Your betrayal was no more than mine.

 

“Because we need to understand our place in all of this.” His words echoed her’s from what felt like a long time ago.

 

He waited. His chest tight, shoulders tense for her to answer. And she made him wait. She turned and paced away from him. Her body held just as tense as his. Her head rose and she stared through the opening to the setting suns.

 

“Ahch-To,” she finally said.

 

He couldn’t move for a moment. Stunned to silence by her. As he slowly found his voice he stepped closer to her. 

 

“You trust me.”

 

“No.” She waited a moment. “But you’re right. I need to see where this will end. And if it is with my death, then I am strong enough to protect the Resistance from you before I die. And that is all that matters.”

 

“What if this is a beginning?” he asked, his voice low and rough.

 

She looked over her shoulder. “Then I need to see that too.”

 

Her eyes were clear, and caught and held his. He saw something in them that hadn’t been there since she had made her choice in the throne room. Hope, and determination. 

 

“I swear--” he started.

 

“No. You’ve never lied to me before. I will trust you have told me the truth about your intentions in coming here. But just know Kylo. I will not welcome you with open arms. Your presence here will simply be a parley.”

 

“Will you stop calling me that?” he asked earnestly.

 

“That will depend entirely on you.”

 

.

  
  


Their connection was severed, and she breathed deeply, trying to find footing within her spinning thoughts. What had she just done? Had she signed her own death warrant? Had she signed his? She hadn’t been lying when she told him she didn’t trust him. But that part of her that was and seemed always will be connected to him, had made the choice for her. And she had been honest when she told him she was prepared to die to protect the Resistance. 

 

Yet, when she had told him she needed him, she hadn’t lied either. She had been shocked when he had admitted the same. Had he ever needed anyone? His memories spoke a very different story than what she had imagined. She had assumed, wrongly, he had been a spoiled, rich, boy who simply wanted to be the center of attention. And yet, could she trust his memories? She wasn’t sure she could trust her own. Each of them had their own side of the story, and they were painted with the eyes of the children they had been. 

 

Shaking her head, Rey picked up her staff and headed back down the mountain. She needed to send a communique to Leia, that she had gotten to Ahch-To safely and in one piece.

 

.

 

Feeling slightly disoriented, Kylo took a moment to gather his thoughts. So much had passed between them, that he was slightly woozy from the connection. She had given him her location. And then told him she was prepared to die for the people she left behind. It was what she hadn’t said that echoed in his mind. Was she prepared to kill him? Had he just let himself be led into a trap? No. That wasn’t her way. If anything, she spoke her thoughts. 

 

She had shared her childhood with him. And although he had never imagined what her childhood had been like, he would have never guess it had been like that. Perhaps it was how strong she was in the Force, that made him believe she had been raised in a similar situation to his own. But she had lived a life so much worse than he had ever thought possible. 

 

Ahch-To. He had never heard of the planet. Typing it into his ships navigational systems, he waited for it to pull up information and maps. When it came up empty, he felt the anger rising in him. Had she lied to him? Taking a deep breath, he exhaled and tried to center his mind. Perhaps it was not on the star charts that were programed into his ship. That could very well be the problem.

 

Hailing the Supremacy, he waited as the bridge sent his signal to Hux. 

 

“Supreme Leader. Have you found them already?”

 

Ignoring the question he addressed Hux. “I need access to the Supremacy’s navigational computer and all of its star charts, recent and antiquated. I want it downloaded to my ship’s systems immediately. I have a lead and don’t want to lose it.”

 

He added the last to avoid any more questions. 

 

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” Hux agreed.

 

Kylo watched as his navigational computers hummed as the download began. He could have simply searched the Supremacy’s computers from his ship, but then he would have left a trail, and basically directions as to where he was going. He had promised her he was coming alone, and he was not about to break that promise.

 

As the download ended, he broke communication with the Supremacy, and ran searches on his ships nav com once again for Ahch-To. This time he found what he was looking for. Setting the coordinates, he hit the switch and sat back as his ship jumped to lightspeed. 

 

.

 

Back in her hut, she rummaged through her pack, searching for the long range com link Leia had given her before she had left. With a flip of a switch, the small device flared to life. 

 

“General Organa, this is Rey,” she spoke into the com.

 

The response was static. Rey’s heart fluttered slightly. What if something had happened to them? Did she need to return?

 

“General Organa, do you copy? This is Rey,” she repeated.

 

Still static answered her. Panic started to blossom in her chest. Taking a deep breath, she tried to hail them once more.

 

“This is Rey. Is anyone there? General Organa? Anyone?” she tried to hide the anxiety in her voice.

 

“Rey? Rey, is that you?” a familiar voice came blaring through.

 

“Poe? Poe, it’s Rey. Poe, where is General Organa? She told me to check in with her.”

 

“Rey, she-- General Organa, Leia, fell ill shortly after you left.”

 

“What?” Rey asked, sure she hadn’t heard him correctly.

 

“A few days after you left, she felt weak in the late morning. She went to her room to rest. I was worried, and had a med droid sent to her in the early evening. By that time, she had fallen into a coma.”

 

“No.” Rey’s words came out in a hushed whisper.

 

“She’s been stable, but she hasn’t woken up.” 

 

“I’ll return,” she said quickly.

 

“No.” 

 

“Poe, I need to return. I can’t stay here if she is hurt. Or worse… dying.”

 

“No, Rey. She left specific instructions that you were not to return if something happened to her. She said you needed to be where you were, more than she needed you with her.”

 

“She knew,” Rey whispered.

 

“I think she did,” Poe said softly.

 

“Poe, she can’t die. I can’t lose someone else. The Resistance can’t lose her.”

 

“I know, Stargirl. I know. But you know her. She has a plan for everything, and a reason for every plan.”

 

They were silent for a while. Neither sure what to say to the other. Both were very attached to Leia and both were troubled in their own ways by her swift decline.

 

“So what about you, Stargirl? Did you get what you needed? Find what you were looking for?”

 

Rey chuckled, sadly. “It didn’t go exactly as I expected.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said softly, “It rarely ever does.”

 

More silence as both were lost in their own thoughts.

 

“How are Finn and Rose? And Bee-Bee-Ate of course.”

 

“They all miss you. We all do.”

 

“I miss you all too. It’s quiet here.”

 

“And you’re alright? No trouble with the ship?”

 

“Yes,” she agreed, although she wasn’t sure she was telling the truth. “And the ship purred like a Loth-cat.”

 

Poe chuckled. “And no run ins with the First Order?”

 

Rey hesitated. She hated lying, especially to her friends, but she could not tell Poe about her communication with Kylo Ren. He, of all people, would not understand. After all, she wasn’t sure she altogether understood. No, she was certain she didn’t understand their bond, but she knew it was vital to begin to understand.

 

“No. No, problems with the First Order. It was a very uneventful trip.” All in all not exactly a lie.

 

“Good.”

 

“I, um… I guess I should go now.” Rey was at a loss.

 

“I guess so.”

 

“Will you contact me if there is any change? Please don’t leave me out of this, Poe.”

 

“You have my word that you will be their first person I hail if anything changes. I promise.”

 

“Thank you.  And tell Finn and Rose I’m fine and I miss them.”

 

“Will do, Stargirl.”

 

“I miss you too, Poe. Watch over her for me.” Rey’s voice caught.

 

“I will, Rey. I will.”

 

Their com links when silent, and Rey tried to take a deep breath. It hitched in her throat, forcing her to take another. Looking down at the com link in her hand, she realized she was holding it so tightly her knuckles were white. Slowly she peeled her fingers from the device, laying it gently on the small stone table next to her makeshift bed.  She didn’t want it far from her side. 

 

Lying down, she pulled the blanket over her, and stared into the dying fire. Nothing made sense. Leia was ill, in a coma, and her son, the Jedi Killer, Kylo Ren, was on his way to her. Her life had been turned completely upside down. That seemed to be her new normal now. 

 

She shivered, and burrowed deeper into the blankets. For so long, she had been alone. Every memory she had, she was alone. And yes, she had been lonely sometimes, waiting for her parents to return. But when she had met Finn, and been pulled, all be it willingly, into the fight against the First Order, she  had never been alone. There had always been someone there. 

 

Tonight all of her memories return, drowning her in loneliness. And this loneliness was so much worse than her childhood. This time, she knew what it was like to be surrounded by people who worried, who cared. Friends, a family she had chosen for herself. And this loneliness reminded her of everything she had given up to protect them. And everything she still may give up when she came face to face with the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to send a big shout out to Katie'sMomma who has been patiently, helping me research my way through this story. I don't know how she finds the information I need but she does. Within minutes if not seconds. She has been so awesome and vital to this story I just have to send X's and O's to her. Love you Fern! ;*


	9. I Feel It Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are both beginning to realize that this bond they share might be more than either imagined. And neither are sure if it's what they want.

:Chapter Nine - I Feel It Too:

 

He felt a ripple in the Force. Reaching out, he tried to find the disturbance, but came up empty. Almost as if a door had been closed. A dead end. Reaching out again, he searched for her. The tightness in his chest only abating when he felt the hum of her power at the other end of the thread he followed. She was safe. 

 

Shaking the feeling away, he left the bridge in auto pilot and made his way to his room. Stripping down to his under breeches, he lay down on his bed and slid his hands behind his head. Staring up at the durasteel ceiling, he let his thoughts shift to the memories he had shared with Rey.

 

He had tried so hard not to follow his own memories as they slid from the darkness of his mind into the bright light of hers. But he had been helpless, locked together with her, he had not only had to live her memories, but relive his own.  And now laying here, as he brought each one to the forefront of his mind, he wondered if things had happened as he remembered. 

 

Oh, yes, his father had been a hard man. Easy to anger and not easy to please, and it had been true that everyone of his parents fights had eventually come around to him. Even when he had not done anything. He had always resented his father for that. For not being able to focus his anger on what had been bothering him and not on who was closest at hand. He had wondered why he was so quick to anger, and had been told, more times than he could count, that it was too much if his grandfather in him. But perhaps it had been too much of his father in him. 

 

No, he hadn’t always been the object of his father’s annoyance, but he was always the closest at hand when his frustration could not find it’s outlet on the proper person. He had been dealing with so many of his own neurosis, that he never stopped to ask himself if perhaps his father had been dealing with his own. Then again, he was too young to understand it. It had just felt like always being in the wrong. Never being good enough for the great Rebellion General, Han Solo. 

 

Shaking himself from his maudlin thoughts, he checked his navigational systems again. He would be to Ahch-To within the next seven hours. And then he would be with her. 

 

“Rey,” he said her name out loud. 

 

He liked the sound of it. The way his mouth moved to shape it. The way it felt rolling off his tongue. The way the single word could hold the darkness at bay, even for a little while. For so long he had fought against the darkness in his soul. Had hidden from that part of himself. But eventually he had become too tired to hide. It had been easier to give in. To let the darkness encompass him. To let it snuff out the dim light that burned within him.

 

There had never been anyone whose light had been able to burn away the obsidian to shadows, until he met her. Her light burned so fiercely, he had not, for the first time, had to fight against the dark. It had been easy to suppress it. To push it away and let her light burn it to shadows.

 

Her light had burned so brightly, that he had almost missed her darkness. It had called to him, just as her light had. But where her light had been a symphony, her darkness had been a single voice singing a familiar song. He had been surprised to find that she didn’t have to fight against her darkness. Intrigued that the dark and the light seemed to exist in harmony within her.

 

Yet, everything about her was a study of contrasts. Her smile was brilliant and blinding, yet she was quick to anger and unafraid of showing it. She was slender and much smaller than he was, but her strength matched his own. She was untrained in the Force, but stronger than even he realized. She was a scavenger from a desolate planet, and her beauty could rival any of the royalty he had met throughout his life. 

 

And she was beautiful, he had had to admit that long ago. The golden streaks in her dark hair, the flecks of jade in her caramel eyes, the smattering of freckles dusted across her cheeks and nose. Her flawless sunkissed skin. As he thought about her, a heat began to grow within him. It had started in the pit of his stomach, and slowly spread lower until he couldn’t ignore the taunt erection pushing against his pants.

 

Disgusted with himself, he quickly shifted his thoughts to anything but her. Berating himself for sinking to such debase depths. It didn’t matter what he thought. She had made it very clear that they were still enemies and this ‘parley’ was a temporary thing. She wanted nothing from him that didn’t concern his tutelage in the Force. He was there to simply help her understand what her place was in this strange world she had been thrust into.

 

.

 

She jolted awake. He was here. She could feel him. Feel his power vibrating off her skin. It was intoxicating and frightening all at the same time. Jumping out of her bed, she scrubbed the sleep from her face with her hands, before she grabbed her staff and stepped outside. Looking up to the slowly brightening sky, she watched as his ship broke atmosphere. She suddenly felt a flutter in her stomach and a weight settle in there. 

 

Hurrying from the huts, she climbed to the Saddle, the highest point on the island, and where she had met Luke for the first time. It gave the best views of the island and the surrounding islands and water. As she neared the top, she felt him pull tight the bond they shared. Not bridging it, but just enough to make sure she was there. She responded with a small push of her own. 

 

She stood at the top of the Saddle, watching as his ship drew closer. It circled the island once before it landed next to where she had set down her X-wing fighter. She could no longer see him or his ship from her vantage point. Part of her wanted to run and hide, but she refused to budge. She would make him come to her his time. She had gone to him once before. This time it was his turn.

 

She waited, feeling him draw closer, until he appeared before her just over the rise of the flat valley the Saddle encompassed. With him directly before her, she found she could barely breathe. Whether from fear or excitement, her lungs refused to expand and contract.

 

He wore his preferred black, but he was helmetless. His jet hair was thrown around his striking face. To call him beautiful would be a mistake. His face held to many contrasts for traditional beauty. But it was the sharp angles and soft curves that made him a masterpiece. His fair skin reminded her of alabaster flecked with dark beauty marks. But it was his eyes that had her breath catching. They were locked intensely on her face, and she was unable to look away.

 

.

 

His heart pounded against his ribs, as if to break free from his chest. He wasn’t sure if it was the climb or finally being in the same place as her that had him breathing hard, but he wasn’t going to dwell on it to see if it were the latter. As he came over the rise to the flat valley at the top of the steps, he saw her for the first time. Her hair whipped in the wind. It was much longer than he remembered it and the ends snapped around her face. 

 

She had lost weight. It didn’t settle right with him. Especially now, that he knew she had live for so long not sure where her next meal would come from. Her clothing was very much the same as he remembered, and her boots looked repaired but sturdy. Her skin was sun kissed again and glowed with health. The twin suns rising behind her painted her in yellows and golds, creating a halo around her form, but left her face in shadow. The one thing he wanted to see was shielded from him. He had memorized her eyes at every meeting. Their light brown almost golden hue, and the aurorae of green that flecked their depths.

 

As he moved closer to her, he could feel the hum of her power flick stronger across his skin. Gooseflesh broke out on his arms, and he tried to suppress a shiver. Her power was like none he had felt before and he savored the feel of it against him. He drew it in as he moved closer to her, letting it flood through him. About five feet from her he stopped.

 

He waited. Just then it was enough to be that close to her. He could see her face better, but still not her eyes. She was closed off to him. He could glean nothing from her expression. He realized what she expected.

 

“Your hair, it’s different.” Something he had heard his father say to his mother on numerous occasions when he would return from some dangerous smuggling run.

 

“Same cowl.” She glanced at his battered cowl pointedly.

 

“I--” he started, but could not continue.

 

Instead he moved closer, pulling a glove off of his hand as he raised it to her. He saw her freeze, and knew she was unsure of what he was going to do. But the need was too great for him to stop now. He reached for her cheek, stopping a breath from her skin. The Force jumped between them. Tiny sparks of electricity tingled across their skin. And finally, unable to withstand his want, he bridged the distance, and cupped her cheek in his hand. 

 

He heard her gasp, as he closed his eyes and bit down hard on the inside of his cheek to keep his groan from escaping. It was like coming together and being split apart all at the same time. A completion that they each had been without for the last six months. Pulling in a deep breath through his nose, he opened his eyes to look down at her. And he finally saw what he had been waiting for. Those amazing eyes, looking up at him, swirling with confusion… but not hate.

 

“Thank you,” he whispered roughly.

 

As if his words pulled her from the bliss she was feeling, she blinked and stepped away. Breaking contact with him. It felt as if all of the oxygen had been suck from his lungs. 

 

“For what?” she frowned.

 

“For letting me come to you.”

 

She brushed his statement away. Trying to settle her breathing and heart rate after he touched her. Turning to look out over the spread of the sea, where the twin suns now reflected on the cresting water, she waited for him to join her.

 

As he moved to stand next to her, she glanced at him from the corner of her eye. He would never show her his trepidation but she could feel it just the same. 

 

“I need something from you and you need something from me. Letting you come here was mutually beneficial. And if it stops you from your search for the Resistance for the time you’re here then it was worth the risk.”

 

He looked at her sharply. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself that you don’t care. Because we both know that’s a lie.”

 

She turned fully to him, but couldn’t refute his statement. She  _ was _ trying to convince herself. Because if he wasn’t there for that reason, then she would actually have to admit that she did indeed need  _ him _ . Heat filled her cheeks as she looked at him, forcing her to turn away.

 

“Look at me, Rey.” His voice was soft but forceful.

 

He waited for her to turn around and lift her eyes to his. She took her time, but finally gave in and did.

 

“You told me you needed me. That is why I’m here.”

 

“No. You are here because you need something from me. No other reason.”

 

“That’s not true, and you may not want to admit it, but you know deep down it’s a lie.”

 

“Prove it.” She challenged.

 

His brow furrowed. “How?”

 

“Give, without taking.”

 

He contemplated her words for a long moment. Was it possible? Could he be so selfless? He didn’t know. He never had before. But he was here and there was no reason for him not to try.

 

“Fine. What do you want from me.”

 

“I have been cast adrift in the storm of this war. I’ve been looking for someone who can show me my place in all of this. But Luke wanted nothing to do with teaching me. You were right. He was afraid of my power. But I need to understand. I need someone to teach me.”

 

He waited for her to say it. 

 

“I need you to teach me.”

 

“And if I agree. If I teach you, are you willing to see both sides of the Force? Are you willing to take the step into the darkness as well as the light?”

 

Rey contemplated his question for a moment. “There is no darkness without light. For only light can create the shadows.”

 

Her words resonated somewhere deep inside of him. As if a bell had been struck at a great distance and the sound traveled across the galaxy to reach him. Getting louder the closer it came.

 

He held out a hand to her. “Then come, meet your darkness.”


	10. You're Still Holding On

:Chapter Ten - You’re Still Holding On:

 

Unsure, yet without a reason to hold back, Rey laid her palm against his. The electricity tingled between them, but she could tell he was holding back. There was no push into her mind, not even the rush of their powers meeting. Just a warm vibration if him along her skin. She frowned, looking up at him questioningly.

 

“Did you think I was going to invade your mind?” He looked down at her.

 

“I don’t know what to think when it comes to you. Everything I’ve expected of you has not turned out the way I thought.”

 

Tightening his hand on hers, he jerked his arm back, pulling her up against his body. He ducked his head so their breath heated the others lips. “And what do you think I’m going to do now.” His voice sent chills down her spine. She refused to believe they were for any reason aside from fear.

 

Her heart pounded and heat creeped up her neck and cheeks. A thought speared through her mind. His lips on hers, his hands on her heated skin. And it was gone as quickly as it came. Leaving her unsure if they were her thoughts or his. 

 

“Whatever it is, I’m sure I don’t know,” she whispered.

 

His mouth twitched slightly in the corner. “I think you know more than you let on.” 

 

He released her and stepped away, keeping his eyes on her face. “So this is Ahch-To.”

 

Rey looked around, remembering her first time to the island. “Yes.”

 

“I--” he stumbled.

 

“You--” she tripped.

 

They both paused. 

 

He nodded. “Go ahead.”

 

“Come with me.” She turned, making her way back down the steps. 

 

She didn’t wait for him to follow her. She couldn’t stand there any longer, facing him, without bridging the distance between them and touching him. For her whole life, she had been touch starved. She never remembered a time where she had been touched gently or lovingly. Any touches had been rough pushes or closed fists to the side of her head. Until Finn, she had never held hands with anyone. No one had ever scooped her into a hug, or slung their arm around her shoulder. That just wasn’t the life she had lived. 

 

But with him it was different. Their Force bond had been a type of touching, and it had been a salve for her lonely heart. Until she had actually felt his hand on her back, his body touching hers. In the throne room they moved in unison, spinning in a dance their bodies learned together, as they took down Snoke’s Praetorian Guard. No, it had not been gentle or loving, but his touch had sparked something within her. Something she could not explain but craved all the same. When he had touched her cheek on the top of the mountain, when he had pulled her so close she could feel the heat of his body through his clothes, that thing within her sparked to life. It was simply not enough. 

 

But it had to be enough. He was… He was what? Her enemy? He certainly wasn’t her friend. She had thought once that they could be friends. But he had made his choice. He had asked her to do something she was incapable of. So, then why was he here? She was so confused. Her mind and her body betraying her at every turn when he was close. 

 

Consumed with her thoughts, she caught her toe on one of the uneven stones of the steps, and felt herself start to topple forwards. She cursed as she threw her arms out to try and catch herself. And then suddenly, she was pulled backwards and her back met his solid chest. 

 

“Are you trying to break your neck before I can follow through on my promise?” his heated breath tickled the shell of her ear. 

 

Finding her footing, she pushed away, hating the telltale blush that painted her cheeks. “I was…”

 

“Distracted?”

 

She could hear the humor in his voice. 

 

“Hurrying,” she countered.

 

“You curse like a scavenger.”

 

“I am a scavenger.”

 

“Not anymore.”

 

“Then what am I?” she turned on him.

 

_ Mine _ , he wanted to whisper all over her body. Heat every inch of her skin with the word. Brand her as his forever. But he swallowed the word and retreated to what he knew.

 

“You’re my student.” He shrugged. “For lack a of a better term.”

 

“Not your Padawan?”

 

“I’m not a Jedi Knight. And I’m not teaching you to become one.”

 

“What about your alcoloites in the Knights of Ren?”

 

“You will not become one, so no. Not that either.”

 

“And what am I to become?”

 

“Something new. Someone to forge a future for this galaxy.”

 

“And you?”

 

“I am who I always have been,” he answered softly.

 

She studied him for a long moment. “You speak in riddles.”

 

“You should be used to that. Living here with Luke for that time.”

 

“He never spoke in riddles. He was very insistent that I understand that Jedi Order had to end.”

 

“Always the pragmatist, my uncle was.”

 

“Yes, well, I guess having experienced what he had, would make him what way,” Rey commented.

 

“Perhaps,” was all he would say.

 

Frustrated, in more ways than she would care to admit, she turned and started back down the mountain. “Come on.”

 

He followed behind, not too closely, but she could feel his power, wrapped like a net around her. She reached the bottom of the steps, and continued towards her destination. 

 

“I don’t need you to hold my hand. I’ve traversed these steps alone many times.” she called over her shoulder, the wind taking her voice to him.

 

“I just want to make sure you don’t break your pretty head before I can ‘give, without taking’,” he threw back at her.

 

She stopped and turned so quickly, he nearly fell over her. Grabbing her to him to keep his balance, and to avoid her from falling, he held her against his chest. Looking down at her, he took a few steps to steady himself, but didn’t let go.

 

She tilted her head up to look at him, her hands clutching his coarse robes. “You think my head is pretty?”

 

Taken back he pushed her from him, unable to understand her teasing. Looking down at her, his brows drew together, and the muscle in his jaw worked. “You are beautiful. You must know that.”

 

“No one’s ever told me that before,” she answered softly, turing and walking on.

 

His longer stride allowed him to catch up with her, and stay along side of her. They were silent for a while. As they came upon the cluster of huts, he finally said what he had been thinking for the past few moments.

 

“Perhaps, it’s because you are so much more than just a pretty face,” he blurted out.

 

Rey paused and frowned. “What?”

 

“The reason no one has ever told you you were beautiful. Because that’s the last thing someone notices about you,” he tried to explain.

 

“Oh?” She sauntered up to him. “And what’s the first?”

 

“Your tenacity.”

 

She laughed. “And here I thought I was just stubborn.”

 

“Some might call it that,” he agreed.

 

“But not you?” she pushed with a smile.

 

His lips twitched. “Not to your face.”

 

Her laughed echoed across the island, filling him with a need to hear it again. It was infectious and full of joy. Which was hard for him to understand since she had not much joy in her life. It was strange how balanced she was for someone who had faced so much hardship.

 

“Did you just make a joke? The Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, just made a joke?” she laughed again.

 

He frowned, turning away from her, unsure if she was making fun of him or not.

 

“I do not joke.”

 

“Pardon me, your eminence,” she laughed, giving him a mocking bow.

 

“You know you are very irreverent.” He was not smiling.  

 

“Forgive me, your worshipfulness, I am but a lowly scavenger. I do not know the correct address for one such as you.” She somehow managed to bow lower.

 

“You are mocking me.”

 

Rey stood with a smile. “Of course I am. That’s what friends do.”

 

“Friends? You think we are friends?”

 

His question sobered her some. The tension between them had been getting to her, and she needed to release it somehow. She though humor would be the key, but perhaps she had been wrong. 

 

“Forgive me,” she said, somberly. “I didn't mean to insult you.”

 

Turning away from him, she gestured to the huts. “These are the huts where the first Jedi lived. Mine is over on the ledge, and that is where Luke made his home. You are welcome to any of the others, unless you would rather stay on your ship. I’m sure it’s much more accomodating.”

 

Unhappy that her laughter had disappeared because of him, he let his eyes rover over the stone huts. They did not look the least inviting, or warm, but he was not going to sleep so far from her. 

 

“I’ll stay here.” He decided.

 

“You will?” She sounded surprised and a bit unsure.

 

“If I am to be your teacher, then I must remain close to you. What if you have a question in the middle of the night. I wouldn’t want you to break your neck climbing down the steps to get to me.”

 

Rey studied him, her brow raised in doubt at his earnestness. Then a smile spread on her lips.

 

“My pretty neck?” she asked suggestively.

 

He could feel the heat spread up his throat and across his face. He knew she saw it, as her smile widened. 

 

“You enjoy mocking me. Has anyone ever told you you’re impossible?”

 

“Luke. Everyday.” Her eyes crinkled at the corners as she laughed. “And I’m not mocking you. I’m teasing you. There is a difference.”

 

He turned from her to look around once more. “Not in my experience,” he said softly.

 

She didn’t hear him, but saw his rigid posture return. She was beginning to learn his body language, and when he was unsure or out of his depth, he held himself in such a way as to appear intimidating to everyone around him. Drawing himself up, his back ramrod straight, his eyes hooded, his full lips pressed together.

 

Turning back to her, he swallowed and moved his hands behind his back. “We will begin your training after midday. Try not to get yourself killed before then. I have things to attend to.”

 

So he was back to his former self. She had thought she saw Ben in their exchange just before, but he always retreated behind the facade of Kylo Ren in the end. Frustrated, she nodded, and watched as he made his way down to his ship. 

 

Was he going to alert the First Order to their whereabouts? She shook her head. She needed to stop thinking like that. He had told her he was coming alone. He had never lied to her before. She needed to accept this for what it was, and stop trying to overthink everything.  If she was to die at his hands then that was the fate she had to accept. But she didn’t believe that was his intent. Although his true intent on coming to her was still hidden in his mind. Protected by his walls of obsidian.

 

Pushing thoughts of him from her mind, she turned away from his retreating back and headed to the fishing cliff. He might have solid rations with him or even real food, but she was not about to beg at his door to be fed. She refused to beg for anything from him ever again.

 

Reaching the cliffs she found the spear Luke had used in its place. Grabbing it, she leapt across the chasm to a ledge, barely a foothold, on the other side. Her heart pounded a she looked down into the water, the spear held still just above. She would never tell Luke when she had been there with him, but she was terrified of falling into those waves. Having grown up on Jakku, the most water she had ever seen was at the well where they watered the animals. And that was deep enough to barely wet her calves. But this, this was not only deep enough to swallow her whole, but the currents, and fierceness of the waves, would have her dashed against the rocks before she could drown.

 

He could feel the fear, spiraling from her. It was thick and viscous, nearly choking him as he raced across the island to find her. He had no idea what could possibly cause this kind of fear in her on an island that should have been safe, but he was going to find it and destroy it before it could hurt her. Climbing to the top of the cliff, his lightsaber crackling in his hand, he found her standing on a foothold barely wider than his hand. A huge spear held in her hands paused above the swirling water. She glanced up at him, and froze.

 

“Have you gone mad? What are you doing?” he yelled across the gorge to her.

 

“Fishing. What does it look like?” she called back.

 

“Like you’re trying to get yourself killed. What’s wrong with you? I can feel the fear rolling off you in waves. It’s nearly choking me.”

 

Glancing down at the water, and then back at him, she grimaced. “I can’t swim. And I’m terrified of falling into the water.”

 

Of course. She had grown up on a desert planet. She would not have been taught to swim like he had been as a child.    
  


“Then why are you doing this?” His thumb lifted from the activation matrix of his blade and it turned off.

 

“I need to eat. And I refuse to drink that awful thalia-siren milk.”

 

“I have food. You can eat with me,” he tried to sound reasonable, through his exasperation.

 

“I will not beg for food from you.”

 

“Beg?! You really are stubborn. It’s not begging if I’m offering it freely and before you can ask,” he countered.

 

“But you wouldn’t have offered it, if you hadn’t found me like this. So there is really no difference.”

 

“You really are mad. Get over here and stop this manic behavior.”

 

Glancing back down at the water, she plunged the spear downwards, throwing herself slightly off balance. She felt his power envelop her before she could slip from her foothold. With a quick glance at him, she pulled the spear upwards, and a smile spread across her features. There, at the end, was an extremely large fish, bucking back and forth, trying to dislodge itself. 

 

“Gods, woman,” was all he said as he lifted her with the Force and brought her and the spear to him. 

 

When her feet landed, he grabbed her to him. Holding her tightly against his hard chest. She could feel the stutter of his rapid heart beat against her cheek. Had he been afraid for her? The thought burst through her mind, only confusing her more as to her relationship with this man. She stayed in his arms, feeling right there, until his heart beat seemed to settle back into a normal rhythm.

 

He held her away from him suddenly. “Let’s go. I’m giving you your first lesson now.”

 

He turned abruptly, and marched back down the side of the mountain away from her and the gasping fish, she still held on the end of the spear.

 

“Now?” she called after him. Suddenly feeling cold and alone.


	11. Let Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, my fellow travelers, this is where we start earning our 'M' rating. Now I know a lot of you are expecting a slow burn, and I promise I will give it to you, but apparently these two have minds of their own, and found a way around my 'cock block' writing. In a matter of saying. ;) I hope you are pleased with the way everything is moving forward, and with the way this chapter turned out. I really feel that it gives without really giving anything at all. Please let me know what you think. Kiss, kiss. XOXO

:Chapter Eleven - Let Go:

 

“You want me to what?”

 

He looks at her terrified face, and needs to hide the humor in his. “Get in.”

 

She looks up at him. “In there?”

 

“It would seem the only place available,” he replied drolly.

 

She tossed a glare in his direction as the color leached from her skin. She stared, her heart caught in her throat. She could not do this. This was not what she meant when she wanted him to teach her.

 

“Do you want to be free or will you remain a prisoner?”

 

“I am not a prisoner,” she argued, taking a step back. 

 

“You are.” He drew off his cowl. “You are a prisoner of this island.” Next came his robes, leaving him bare chested. “Until you learn to swim you are a prisoner.” He toed off his boots.

 

She couldn’t even care that he was nearly naked before her. Her eyes would not be torn from the water. He had found a small cove near the Caretakers village, where the water was semi shallow and protected from the harsh winds that stirred the swift currents and white caps out in the open ocean. The midday sun shone down, warming their skin, causing a sheen of sweat to cover any exposed. 

 

“Come on,” he reached for the zipper on his pants.

 

Rey’s eyes flew to his face, her cheeks bright pink, and she turned away. “You cannot be taking your pants off,” she called over her shoulder.

 

“Well, I’m not about to get them wet.” He threw them to her.

 

They dropped near her feet. Looking down at them, she felt the heat rise to her cheeks. She heard a splash, and turned quickly to see him dive into the water, his pale flanks glistening in the sun. This time heat speared down to her core.

 

Breaking the surface, she watched as the water sluced down his hard body. How his large hands ran through his wet hair, pushing the length back from his face. He was hip deep and the muscles on his abdomen rippled down between his hip bones to disappear into the water. She swallowed hard. He was a masterpiece. She could not take her eyes from him.

 

“Is something wrong?” He called to her.

 

Her eyes flicked to his face. He wore the smallest smile on his full mouth. Her mouth fell open, her cheeks heated and she looked away.

 

“If you don’t come in, I will come out to get you, Rey.” 

 

Her name on his lips, had her shiver, but she still shook her head. 

 

“You wouldn’t dare,” she called his bluff.

 

“No?” He raised an eyebrow, accepting her challenge.

 

Wading through the water, he made his way closer to her.

 

“Stop! Okay, okay, I’ll come in. But I’m not getting undressed.”

 

“Suit yourself, but you’re going to be cold when you get out if you don’t have dry clothes to put on.” He shrugged.

 

With a soft growl, she began to pull her clothing off. Placing everything in a neat pile on top of her boots, she stepped to the edge of the water in her breast band, and undershorts. She felt completely exposed but at least he wasn’t climbing out of the water completely naked to drag her in.

 

“Okay. What do I do?”

 

He raised his eyebrows. “Come to me.”

 

“Come to you?! Your standing naked in the middle of the water.”

 

“And you won’t learn how to swim if you don’t get in the water. Now get in.”

 

“This is not what I signed up for.”

 

“You told me I must teach. If I must teach, you must learn. Now get in the water.”

 

With another growl, this one louder, she steps forward into the water. Her eyes widen and she moves forward faster. The water is warm. Almost as warm as the air on Jakku. When she is waist deep, she is still about five yards from him. 

 

“Come closer,” he orders.

 

“You are completely naked. I am not getting any closer,” she argues.

 

He frowns at her fiercely. She folds her arms over her chest, and refuses. She is so naive, he thinks. He may not know what it is like to tease with a woman, but as a child he remembers being teased mercilessly. Especially from other Force sensitive children. He reached out, sensing the animals in the water around them. All harmless, but she didn’t know that. Reaching into the mind of one of the larger varieties of fish, he controlled it to swim up close to the back of her legs. As it brushed against her, she let out a little squeal and nearly dove into his arms. 

 

“Something’s in the water,” she cried, trying to climb up his chest as she looked over her shoulder.

 

He said nothing as she scanned the water around them, but she suddenly realized his body was shaking. Turning to look up at him, she found his eyes crinkled in mirth as he tried to suppress his laughter. She gasped, slapping him on his bare chest.

 

“That was a dirty trick, Ben Solo!” she cried as she pushed away from him. 

 

He knew she didn’t realize that she used his true name, but he had not missed it. The sound of it on her lips sent a thrill through him.

 

“Yes, it was. But you are finally where you need to be. Now, I want you to lay back, and let the water cradle your body.”

 

Unsure, she looked at him skeptically but followed his instructions. Only to sink beneath the water and come up sputtering. Wiping the water from her face, she glared at him.

 

“Here,” he moved close to her.

 

Placing a large hand at the small of her back, he put the other behind her head. “Now, lay back into my embrace. I will hold you up until you’ve gotten the hang of it.”

 

Her look was one of disbelief, and almost a dare to drop her again. But she let her body relax in his arms, and allowed him to hold her in the water. 

 

He looked down at her, lying there cradled by his hands and the water, and heat spiked through his body. Gods, she was beautiful. The sun hit the beads of water on her skin and made them sparkle like stardust. Her arms were long and graceful and her waist curved in to where he imagined he could span his hands around it. The water had saturated her breast band and bottoms, and the white fabric left nothing beneath to the imagination. The dark of her nipples, and at the apex of her thighs, had him growing hard beneath the water.  He tried to think of anything but her, but it was no use. Here she was laid out before him like a meal, and he was a starving man, wanting to devour her.

 

She peeked open one eye. “Are you going to instruct, or am I just going to lay here all day?”

 

Pulled from his thoughts, he looked down at her. 

 

“Tighten your abdomen, and lift your backside. Lay your arms out slightly to the sides.”

 

She did as she was instructed. “Like this?”

 

Pulling his gaze away from her flat stomach, he answered. “Yes, yes. Like that.”

 

He slowly pulled his hands away from her. A feat he was surprised he accomplished. They spent the rest of the day in the cove. He taught her to float, and she began to tentatively swim further out into deeper water. They climbed up on some rocks, and jumped in. She would never go first, always needing the security of him being in the water to catch her. He used the day as an excuse to touch her, to brush against her, to get her use to feeling his body close to hers. It was like taming a wild faither. It was a study in patience, which he was not known to have much of. But he had decided that this was worth the effort. 

 

As the suns began their descent into the sea, the two pulled themselves from the water shivering in the cool night air. Rey pulled her clothes back on and turn her back as he stepped out of the water and dressed. They started back towards the huts and a hope of a warm dinner. With her arms wrapped around her body, she tried to stop the shivering, but the wind had picked up and the further they moved up the mountain, the harder it whipped. 

 

After another shiver, she was suddenly pulled into the warmth of his body beneath his robe. She shivered again, but wasn’t sure it was because of the cold any longer. Trying to step away from him, he tightened his arm around her to keep her next to him.

 

“I’m fine,” she protested through the chatter of her teeth.

 

“You can’t even say the word fine without your teeth clacking. Stay here, at least you’ll be warm until we get to the huts.”

 

She remained in his arms until they got to the door of her hut. She stepped away from him, her whole body shaking. 

 

“Th- th-thank y-y-you,” she tried to speak between the shivering of her body and the chattering of her teeth.

 

Looking down at her, he rolled his eyes. “Come with me.” He scooped her up and held her close as he hurried to the landing area where their ships were set. 

 

Getting her inside, he strode into his small quarters and then into his much smaller refresher. Depositing her on her feet, he turned the taps on as hot as they could go. Turning to her, he found her slumped on the floor, shivering in a mass.

 

“Rey, you need to get these clothes off and get in the ‘fresher. Come on woman, help me.” 

 

He began pulling her boots from her feet. With shaking hands she tried to help, but she could not manage to pull her arm bands off. Brushing her stiff fingers away, he pulled them from her arms. This was not how he had imagined he would be stripping her clothes from her for the first time, but his only goal was to get her warm. Pulling her top over her head, his hand moved to her pants, dragging them over her slender hips. He didn’t even blink as he tore her breast band, and bottoms off, dropping them to the floor. Stripping off his own clothing, he scooped her up, and stepped into the ‘fresher with her in his arms. 

 

The heated water hit her naked skin, and she gasped. It stung, and she flinched from it but he held her. She struggled to get away, but he held her fast to his chest, and stood there.

 

“You’re burning me,” she cried pushing at him.

 

“I’m helping you. Now, stop squirming,” he growled through his teeth.

 

He refused to budge and she refused to stay still. It was a battle of wills until the heat began to seep into her skin and then deeper into her muscles. Her shaking stopped and her sigh had her nestling into his chest.  

 

He rested his chin on the top of her head. “Better?”

 

She turned her face into the warmth of his chest. “Better,” she agreed.

 

She was curled into a ball in his arms, the warmth of her body pressed against his chest and abdomen. Heat began to curl within him, spreading out and downward. 

 

“Rey?” he asked tentatively.

 

He couldn’t stay there any longer. He had pushed himself to the end of his will, and if she moved against him one more time, he would have her right then and there. And that was not what he wanted. No, it was exactly what he wanted, just not how he wanted. 

 

“Yes?” she whispered, her breath spreading out on his pectoral muscle and over his nipple. 

 

His eyes rolled back into his head as he bit down on the inside of his cheek. “I need to put you down now.”

 

He could feel his cock growing hard, and he didn’t want to frighten her.

 

“Now?” she rubbed her cheek against him.

 

He tried to stifle his groan but didn’t succeed. “Yes, now,” he groaned. “Can you stand?”

 

She looked up at him, placing her hand on his chest. “Yes. I think so.”

 

“Good.” He dumped her unceremoniously on her feet and turned quickly.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked his retreating back. 

 

“Fine,” came his abrupt answer, as the door slid shut behind him.

 

.

 

Standing alone in the ‘fresher, she suddenly felt cold. Not the bone deep cold, she had felt before, but a cold that left her aching for his warm body pressed against hers. His large hands holding her close to him, rubbing gentle circles on her back. His breath caressing the shell of her ear. She swallowed the soft moan that rose in the back of her throat. Heat had spread through her, pooling at the juncture of her thighs. Her cheeks flamed, and she abruptly grabbed the soap that was there. But it didn’t help distract her thoughts.

 

Her lathered hands, soaped her arms and throat, and gently brushed across her modest breasts. As she ran her hand across the buds of her nipples, heat shot to her core. She gasped, and stopped for a second, only to experiment again. At the second pass, the same reaction occurred. Pinching them lightly, she found electricity jolt through her. As her hands soaped the rest of her body, she found her thighs were slick with moisture though it was not water. Sliding her hands down her body to the apex of her thighs, she parted them and slid her hand lower. As her searching fingers passed over the bud at the top of her lips, her knees almost buckled, and a gasp escaped her parted lips.

 

She slid her hand lower, and found her lips slick with moisture. She breathed a sigh. This is what he did to her. This is what he brought her to. And then he simply walked away. Closing her eyes, she imagined his hand sliding down her belly, brushing against the bundle of nerves and then slipping down further. His large fingers, spreading her lips and ever so slowly sliding inside. Sliding deep to touch her core. Her hips bucked slightly as she slid her fingers in and out. Her thumb brushing against the bud of nerve endings just above. She imagined his hand cupping her ass, as he kissed down her belly. His tongue tracing a path directly to the wet heat between her thighs. A small cry escaped her throat. Her stroking became faster. Her fingers more insistent at the small spot above her thighs. She could feel it building. Could feel how slick and wet her folds were. The heat that pooled deep within her. And she imagined him, with his mouth on her, his hands pushing her to an edge she wasn’t entirely sure of. She was panting, her back pressed to the wall to hold herself up, as her hands worked her, imagining it was him all along. Imagining she was riding his hands, that he was lifting her on the swell of energy.

 

And then she fell, her body clenching and shuddering, as she pressed her forearm against her mouth to muffle her cries. She rode the wave, as she sunk to the floor. Her body limp but not fulfilled. She hated to admit it but she could not deny it any longer. She wanted him. Wanted him more than she understood or even cared to admit. But she could not lie to herself any more. She wanted him, dark or light, it didn’t matter. She would take him any way she could have him, and she would defy anyone who told her no.

 

.

 

He raced from the refresher, and into his room. From his room he moved to the storage facility at the back of the ship. And there among the crates of food supplies and extra parts, he finally gave in. His hand found his cock, stiff and extremely sensitive. Closing his eyes, he imagined it was her hand, small and delicate wrapped around him. He began slowly, sliding up and down, stroking how he imagined she would at first. Tentative and shy, she would touch him. Sliding her hand over the head, causing him to shudder. As the shudder passed through him, he gripped tighter, enjoying the slight pain it caused. 

 

He imagined her naked before him, her slender body on top of his. Her breasts pressed against his chest. He imagined, her kissing him, her lips parting and their tongues entwining. He saw her duck her head and slowly lick a stripe from the base to the head of his cock, swirling her tongue around the tip. He groaned then, imagining the heat of her mouth on him. He flipped her over, on to her back, dancing his tongue over her nipples. Nipping and sucking as he moved down her body. He would slide his fingers between her legs, and sink them in the wet heat of her core.  

 

His stroking became quicker, gripping himself harder. His breath was coming out in harsh gasps, as he thought of sinking himself deep inside her. How she would be too tight and yet like silk as he slid in and out. How her moans would only serve to make him harder and more aroused. And how she could come on him as he sank into her. He imagined that he was sliding deep within her as he neared the edge. Gripping himself tighter, a groan escaped his throat, as he pushed into his hand, searching for release. And as he thought about her doing these things to him, he could see her so clearly in his minds eyes. And suddenly he found the edge and pushed over it. His body shuddering his release into his hand. His groans muffled by the fist shoved against his mouth.

 

He quickly found an old blanket, and cleaned himself up. Hurrying back to his room to dress before she stepped from the ‘fresher. He could hear the water still running and thought he heard her say something, but when the water turned off, he had no time to ponder what it could have been. Throwing sleeping clothes on, he dropped into a chair as she stepped from the ‘fresher clad only in a small towel. He froze. She was killing him softly.

 

“My clothes are soaked on the floor,” she said breathlessly, a pretty blush staining her cheeks.

 

He stood too quickly. “I’ll get you something.”

 

He turned from her, and rummaged in a small locker in the wall. Turning back, he handed her one of his sleep sets. She took it and headed back into the fresher. 

 

Shaking out the clothing, Rey found a long sleeved tunic top, and loose bottoms. Pulling the top over her head, she found the sleeves were too long, and the top itself hit at her knees. Holding up the pants, she knew that it was useless to even try them. They were made for him, and he towered over her. Folding them neatly, she headed back into his room. As she stepped out she could feel him watching her. Feel the heat if his eyes burn their way from her bare feet to the top of her head. Her stomach did a little flip and she hugged the pants tightly to her. She needed to leave before she did something she could not take back.

 

“Thank you,” she said, laying the pants on the edge of his bed.

 

“It’s big,” he observed.

 

“It’s fine,” she countered.

 

“It’s all I had,” he apologized.

 

“It’s fine.”

 

“Have dinner with me.” 

 

Stay.

 

“I need to get back.”

 

I need to get away.

 

“To what?”

 

Liar.

 

“To meditate.”

 

To anywhere you are not.

 

“Let me walk you back.”

 

Don’t leave me.

 

“I know the way.”

 

I can’t be near you.

 

He knew he was only prolonging the inevitable. She didn’t trust him. She would never want him. Only what he could teach her.

 

She knew she couldn’t stay any longer without giving in to her need. Today she had seen a different side of him. And she wanted him more than ever.

 

“Take this.” He handed her his cowl. “For warmth.”

 

She took it from him, and placed it over her head. His scent hit her and her knees buckled. Steeling herself, she tucked it around her, and nodded to him.

 

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

She ducked from his room and made her way to the gangway. He followed her at a safe distance.

 

“Be safe,” he whispered at her retreating back as she disappeared into the night. 

 

.

 

In her room, the fire crackling in the hearth, she climbed onto her palate, and pulled the blankets over her chilled body. She still wore his sleep tunic, and curled her body around his cowl and buried her face in it. She breathed in his scent, closing her eyes, and falling asleep with the thought of him near.

 

He lay in his bed, alone, and reached out along the thread that bound them. And then he was there, standing over her sleeping form. Watching her clutch his cowl to her face as if she were breathing him in. His muscles clenched low in his belly, and he stepped back. He was here just to know she was safe. No more. Taking one last long look at her, he broke the connection and found himself back in his ship. Alone and aching.


	12. I'll Destroy Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, that happened... And we have so much more to come. There is a lot of healing, and growing they both have to do now. And they still need to find their way to each other while still retaining who they are. So yeah, they've got a long slow burning road ahead. I hope you all are enjoying and will continue to read because I don't seen an end in sight any time soon!

:Chapter Twelve - I’ll Destroy Her:

 

As he climbed the steps from his ship to the Jedi huts, his mind kept straying back to the night before. To holding her naked against him. To the way the curves of her body fit to his. The way his body betrayed him when she was near. The way his need for her made him weak and confused. The way he knew it wasn’t just need but want. 

 

As he came around the huts, he stopped. She was sitting in the center area of the huts, the sun shining down on her bent head, lips pressed together in concentration. He steeled himself, tamping down on his power. Trying to bury it so she couldn’t read him.

 

“Did you sleep well?” His voice came from behind her. 

 

Her face flamed at the sound. All of last night came rushing back to her, and she didn't know how to act. She was on her knees with her back to him, outside of her hut, cleaning her blaster. Glancing over her shoulder, she shrugged. “I slept.”

 

She hadn’t slept well. Her dreams were always troubled. They always brought back memories better left buried. But no matter how she tried, she could not make them stop. 

 

“Are you ready to train?”

 

She could feel him move closer, could feel something rolling off of him. Animosity? Anger? Fear? His emotions were uncontrolled and making her dizzy.

 

“Stop,” she said, holding a hand to her head.

 

“What?” He stepped closer and moved to lay a hand on her back.

 

“Don’t-- don’t touch me.” She scrambled away on her hands and knees. “I can’t-- Your emotions-- they’re too much.”

 

And suddenly, there was nothing. Silence, absence, a void she had never experienced before. Not the void that happened when they bridged their bond. There was nothing in this void. Not even him. She had never felt so alone.

 

Her eyes wide, she looked up at him. “What did you do?”

 

“I closed the bond. Just as you did when you left Crait.” He knelt down before her.

 

“No,” she whispered.

 

“You were hurting.”

 

“But I can’t feel you at all. It’s worse than when I shut the bond after Crait. After Crait you were gone. Now you’re right here, and I can’t feel you.”

 

“But now you’re not hurting. If I open up, I don’t know if I can shield you from my emotions.”

 

He wanted to touch her. Wanted to hold her close. But he wouldn’t let himself. He had pulled all of himself back from her, locking it behind the walls of obsidian he had built within him. He understood what she was saying. He could not feel her at all. And it was killing him to be so close to her and not feel her power hum against his skin.

 

“Don’t. Don’t pull away from me. Please.”

 

_ I can’t be alone any more. _

 

She stood, and moved toward him. “It was uncomfortable to feel all of your emotions rolling off of you, but it physically hurts to not feel you at all.

 

Her eyes were intent on his face. She could see the war going on within him. Stepping closer she raised her hand and touched his bare cheek. “Teach me how to control it. Help me.”

 

He closed his eyes, and leaned into her hand ever so slightly. Slowly, he began to lower his walls, letting the emotions he was struggling to control to spill out. He watched as they rolled into her. As they began to overwhelm her. Her hand trembled against his face.

 

“Reach into the Force. Reach out and gently pull it to you,” he said gruffly, trying to control his own emotions as he protected hers.

 

Rey reach out, touching the Force that flowed through the island so strongly. Teasing it to her, she began to pull it in. It wasn’t easy. She was being bombarded by his emotions, and trying to focus on protecting her own.

 

“Like this?” she asked, her voice strained.

 

“Yes. Now, take it and build a wall.” 

 

She slowly began to solidify it in her mind. Creating layers, upon layers, to strengthen it. And slowly, his emotions began to be pushed back from her.  And when they were finally at a place where she could handle them, she stopped building.  Looking up at him, she waited.

 

“You’ve mastered your first lesson,” he told her.

 

He looked down at her triumphant face, and tried to find pleasure for her. But he found none. He was disgusted with himself. The first lesson he had to teach her was to defend herself from him. All because he could not control his emotions around her. He could not find the soothing darkness he used to retreat to, when his mind was swirling with so many emotions. And it was because of her. 

 

“Why don’t you look pleased?”

 

“I should be able to control my emotions.”

 

She sighed, “Do you always have to be in control?”

 

“I will destroy you if I’m not in control,” he advanced on her. 

 

“You will not destroy me, Ben. You will not let yourself destroy me.” she brushed her thumb across his cheek.

 

“You are so sure.” His voice was vaguely mocking.

 

“I’m not sure, but I have to believe that there is more to you than the face you show the galaxy. Otherwise, nothing makes sense.”

 

“Hope.” He nearly spit the word out. 

 

She stepped back as if he’d slapped her. His skin ached without her touch. But he could not allow her any closer. He hadn’t lied when he told her he would destroy her. He destroyed everything that was good and pure. And if he let her in she would only be the last in a long line of things that he ruined with his darkness.

 

“Darkness can’t destroy the light. Only shadow it for a time. But it is still there, burning just as brightly, if you only look.”

 

“You are a child if you believe that.”

 

“Funny,” her voice was growing bitter. “Snoke said something similar to me. In his throne room. He called me a pathetic child for believe in you. For having  _ hope _ in you. 

 

“And where is Snoke now? Dead by your hand. So you can’t tell me hope is a delusion. You can’t tell me belief is childish. Because I had hope. And I believed in that hope so much, and it was you, Ben Solo, that showed me hope was real.”

 

“It is foolish!” he growled fiercely at her.

 

“You are foolish! You are foolish for believing there is only one way.  Are you going to stand there and spout vitriol and anger, or are you going to teach me today?” she spat back a him.

 

Glowering down at her, he fought a war within himself. But he could not go back. He could not release her from their bond and yet, he could not be with her because of his nature. He was torn and in turn he was destroying her. He knew it was inevitable. 

 

“Come, and bring your staff.” He turned on his heel, and strode away towards the steps.

 

She stood alone for a moment, and tried to reconcile the man she had spent the afternoon with yesterday, and the one who confronted her today. What had changed? When had the man who had held her shivering body in the shower, returned to the monster that lived in her nightmares? Something had happened.

 

Grabbing her staff, she was determined to find out what. Following him, they ended up back at the Saddle where they had met. The flat area was perfect for sparing and forms. He stood before her with a staff in hand, his saber hung at his side.

 

“Where did you get that?” she called to him.

 

“In my uncles hut.”

 

“That does not belong to you.”

 

He glanced at it and then back at her. “He has no use for it any more.”

 

Another slap at her. 

 

“Why?” 

 

“Why what?”

“Why are you being so cruel?”

 

“This is not cruel. This is honesty. Luke would understand.”

 

“Your uncle never understood you. He thought you were truly lost. He only saw your darkness. But I’ve seen your light. I’ve seen it and I know you are not completely lost to the darkness. No matter how much you push me away, we will always be connected. You can’t run from that. You can’t hide from it. And you can’t stop me from hoping one day you will see it too.”

 

How little she knew of him, if she thought he didn’t know just how connected they were.

 

“He no longer needs it and I have a use for it. Why let it rot? Now, hold up your staff,” he ordered, ignoring her.

 

She wanted to defy him, just to pull an emotion from him aside from his apathy, but she knew it would be useless. She had ordered him to teach her and that was what he was doing. It wasn’t his fault, it was a lesson she didn’t care to learn. 

 

Holding up her staff, she mirrored him. He came at her swift and fierce, causing her to fall back in defence. She parried his advances, but was unable to find her footing enough to return his attack. He did not let up, and was not holding back. She was breathless before she realized and fell back again.

 

“Are you frightened?” he growled, advancing on her again.

 

“No,” she gasped.

 

“Then why don’t you fight me? Why don’t you attack?”

 

“I can’t,” she huffed out.

 

“Yes, you can. You’re just afraid.”

 

“I’m not afraid of you.” Her voice grew stronger.

 

“Are you angry? Do you hate me?”

 

“Yes, I’m angry,” she finally bit out.

 

“Good.  Then use it. Use that anger. Find it. Touch it deep within yourself, and draw it out,” he yelled.

 

Locked in a hold with him, their staff’s crossed, and her back to a large stone plinth, she closed her eyes, and searched for the anger. It was there, simmering just below the surface. She pulled at it. Let it fill her, surge through her blood, and she felt powerful. 

 

Breaking the hold, she swung her staff. Her blow caused him to step back, and defend himself for the first time. She advanced, her staff swinging in arcs, raining blows upon him that he now had to parry. 

 

“That’s it,” he gasped. “Let it fuel you. Let it have reign. Use it.”

 

She swung again and again, leaning her mind into her anger at him. Her anger at the unfairness of her plight. Her anger at the galaxy for always taking and never giving. And he could do nothing but defend himself from her. He egged her on, drawing on the darkness of the Force, feeding into her anger. Suddenly, she swiped her staff low, catching him behind the knees and knocking him to the ground. His staff flying off to the side somewhere. And then she was on him, straddling his chest, her knees pushing into his shoulders. Her staff, held tight to his throat.

 

“Do you yield?” she yelled.

 

His hands on her staff, trying to hold it from his throat, he grimaced. “I will not yield.”

 

She pushed harder leaning down a fraction, feeling his arms give slightly. “Do. You. Yield?” It was her turn to growl. 

 

“I. Will. Not. Yield!”

 

She leans even closer, her breath brushing his parted lips. “Neither will I,” came her answer.

 

Her heart beat fiercely, as if pounding to break free from her chest. Her breaths came out in gasps as she tried to slow her breathing. She was thrilled to have bested him, but conflicted about the methods he drew out of her. And then suddenly she was on her back, with him straddling her waist. He had tossed her staff away and held her wrists in his hands, pinned to the ground. He leaned down over her, his harsh breathing brushing against her cheek. They were close, their noses almost touching. She writhed beneath him, trying to buck him off.

 

“You may not yield but you do not concentrate. You let your mind wander and left yourself open to be overcome.”

 

“I was not overcome,” she spit at him, angry that he seemed so unaffected by their proximity.

 

“No?” he challenged.

 

“Nothing you can do will overcome me.”

 

He stared down at her, his eyes locked upon hers. Suddenly, his hands released her wrists and took her face in them. And then, his lips were upon hers, warm and insistent. He had no thought but for her to yield to him, to overcome her in the only way he truly wanted. His tongue brushed against the seam of her lips, only to have her gasp them open. Entering her mouth, he finally tasted her. It was glorious. She tasted of lightness and dark, of a great and terrible beauty, of the expanse of the universe and the void. At that moment, he knew he was lost to her. And when her tongue touched his, his every thought was obliterated from his mind. The moan was torn from his throat, as he heard a soft mewling sound come from her. 

 

When her hands gripped his shoulders, he came to himself. Jerking back from her, he stood quickly, and stared down at her for a moment. Turning swiftly, he stalked away from her, away from the Saddle and down the side of the mountain. She watched him go, propped on an elbow, a shaking hand to her lips. 

 

She was shaken to her soul. She had honestly spoken the truth when she had said that nothing he could do would overcome her. But she had no idea just how easily those words would be turned into a lie. The moment his hands had touched her face, she had felt herself falter, her will bend. And when his mouth came down on hers she was lost to him. She had seen destruction and rebirth, darkness and light, nightmares and dreams dance together. He had tasted of her deepest desires, of her silent fears, of her darkest secrets. 

 

And then suddenly he had jerked away from her as if he had been burned, and fled before she could even attempt to call him back. She had no idea what was going through his mind. She could barely feel him as she pulled taunt the thread that bound them. She could feel emotions rolling off of him but he somehow managed to hold them back so she couldn’t read them.

 

As the sun reached its zenith, she sat at the edge of the Saddle, her knees tucked under her chin and tried to clear her mind. But she could not. His one question kept coming back to her. 

 

_ Do you hate me? _

 

How foolish of him. She could no more hate him than she could hate her own heartbeat. Something else, she was just realizing, she could not live without.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! Comments & Kudos = LIFE!!! Kiss, Kiss, XOXO


	13. Please Don't Go That Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has made a decision. She is done with waiting. It is time to take action to find what she seeks. Ben has made a decision. He is done with expectations. It's time to see who he can be on his own. Their only way forward is together. And that can only happen with trust. But can they learn to trust the one person who can destroy them if it all fails?

Rey sat at the top of the Saddle as the suns traveled in their paths across the sky. Trying to make sense of the thoughts spinning around her head. She had been waiting for all of her life. Waiting for her parents. Waiting for someone to show her her place. Waiting for something, anything to happen. She needed to stop waiting. Waiting wasn’t going to make anything happen. It wasn’t going to make anything clearer, or give her the answers she needed. Only action was going to provide that.

 

Standing, she hurried down the steps, to the level of the Jedi huts. Smoke wafted up from the chimney of her hut. The Caretakers must have lit a fire in the hearth to warm it against the damp   chill. They were bustling around the huts, fixing anything that had fallen into disrepair or simply needed updating. She then noticed smoke coming from another hut. It was the furthest from hers, yet the doors faced each other. Walking towards it, she could feel him beyond the stones. Taking a deep breath, she strode to the hut and entered without knocking.

 

He was startled by her entrance, spinning and standing from his seated position before the fire. He was bare chested, his cloak and robes scattered on the stone slab. Her first thought was to avert her eyes, but she didn’t, keeping them trained on his face. 

 

“Get out,” he ordered her.

 

She ignored him. “You ran from me.”

 

“Get out,” his voice became more desperate.

 

“You ran from me,” she stated slower, harder.

 

“I do not run,” he ground out.

 

“You. Ran. From. Me.” she yelled at him.

 

“I. Do. Not. Run!” his voice rose.

 

Her breath came out in short bursts through her nose. Taking a deep breath, she tried to settle herself.

 

“Then why did you leave?” she accused him.

 

“I--” he started, but couldn’t continue.

 

“You? You ran. Admit it. You ran because you are afraid.”

 

“I am not afraid!” he took a step towards her.

 

“Then what is it? Why can’t you be honest with me for once?”

 

“For once? For once! I have been honest with you from the moment we met. You are the only person in the galaxy that I have  _ never _ lied to,” he roared at her, advancing on her. 

 

She refused to be cowed by his tantrum. This was what she needed. So she tilted her head up and looked him directly in the eyes. 

 

“Then if you’re not lying to  _ me,  _ stop lying to yourself,” she said softly.

 

He moved to speak, but could not. She had caught him. Had pushed him into a corner and now he was trapped by his own actions. She was not incorrect. She could see into his soul no matter how far he pulled away from her.

 

“I can’t,” he whispered.

 

She was struck silent. She had not expected him to admit she was right. Had not expected to feel so empty when he did. 

 

“Why?”

 

She watched as his fists tightened, his jaw clenched, and his gaze was trained on the floor at her feet.

 

“Because then none of it means anything. Because if I am honest with myself, my whole existence was meaningless. It was worthless. And I am worthless. Everything I have done, everything I have worked towards is nothing.”

 

She wanted to argue with him, wanted to tell him he was wrong, but she remained silent. This was his journey. He had to accept his role in everything that had come before, and what would now come after. She had her own path to follow. And although they were intertwined, they were not the same.

 

He finally looked up at her, his anguish written on his face. She desperately wanted to take it all back. To soothe his troubled soul, and heal his broken heart. But she knew, innately, that if he could not begin healing himself, that nothing she did would ever be enough.

 

He gave a choked laugh. “And you called me cruel.”

 

He hadn’t meant it as such, but the arrow hit it’s mark. She could have physically bowed from the blow, but she would not let him see her hurt. 

 

“I guess, sometimes, the truth hurts,” she offered softly.

 

“What’s next? You turn me to the light?” he half heartedly mocked.

 

“It is always absolutes with you. Good and bad. Jedi and Sith. Resistance and First Order. Light and dark. It was the same with Luke, and all of the Jedi that came before him.”

 

“So what, then? I become a Grey Jedi?” Now he was mocking her.

 

She frowned at him, stepping forward, bringing her within inches of him. “Have you really lived your life trying to be what everyone else wanted of you? Listening to what everyone else expected you to be?”

 

He looked at her, not having to say anything. His eyes told her the truth.

 

She held out her hand to him, as she had only once before. “I don’t want you to be anything more than what you are. I simply want you to accept everything that you are. Both darkness and light.”

 

“Like you have accepted who you are?”   
  


She paused before she spoke. “I am no one, and I am everyone. I am light and I am darkness. I know who I am. Those are not the answers I seek.”

 

“Then what do you want? What questions do you have?”

 

“I want to know how to balance what is inside of me. How to marry the light and the dark without losing either half of myself in the process. Those are the answers I need. That is why I need you to teach me.”

 

He scoffed, “I can’t even do that for myself. What makes you think I can do it for you?”

 

“A friend once told me, ‘Hope is like the sun. If you only believe in it when you can see it, you’ll never make it through the night’.”

 

“Those are only pretty words. They mean nothing when the night is long, and the darkness dances with your demons,” came his soft reply.

 

“You asked me once to join you. To rule beside you. I could not walk that path and I… I, betrayed you. But here is my offer. I will stand with you in the darkness, if you will walk with me in the light.”

 

He was hesitant. His experience with trust almost nonexistent. But she was patient and stubborn, and she would wait for him.

 

“Let me help you, Ben. Let me in. I can’t do this without you. Help me find another way.”

 

He stretched out his hand to her, but did not complete the gesture. “How are you so sure there  _ is _ another way?”

 

She gave a small shrug, and shook her head. “There is always another way. One just has to look hard enough to find it.”

 

He finally laid his hand in hers, warm skin to warm skin. Electricity jumped between them, causing them both to pull in a breath. His hand jumped, squeezing hers slightly.

 

“And where do you propose we find this other way?” he asked softly. 

 

“I have some ideas. If you put your robes back on, I have something to show you.” 

 

She tried to step away but he held her hand fast. She frowned at him.

 

“I-- Before, I--” he was stumbling for the words.

 

“You kissed me,” she supplied them. 

 

He could feel his face heat, and looked away from her for a moment. “I-- I apologize.”

 

“For kissing me?” she asked.

 

He finally made eye contact. “Yes.”

 

_ And for wanting to do it again. _

 

Thinking of his lips on hers, heat shot to her core and she suddenly stepped back from him. She couldn’t be so close to him. Her body was on fire and her thoughts seemed to drain from her head. How did he do this to her? And did she want to stop him?

 

She ducked her head trying to hide the blush that stained her cheeks. “Perhaps next time you should just ask.”

 

He was stunned to silence. Had she just given him permission to kiss her again? Could he truly have just been handed something he wanted more than power and respect? 

 

_ No _ , the darkness whispered,  _ she will only deny you when you do ask. It is safer to simply take what you want. Better to protect yourself, than to face failure once again. _

 

“I can take whatever I want,” came his curt reply.

 

She was becoming used to this now. Whenever he felt out of sorts, or confused by her, he returned to the monster. Whenever she made him uncomfortable or pushed him from the familiar, he would hide behind the facade of Kylo Ren.  Rey paid it no mind and returned fire.

 

“You cannot take what I am not willing to give. We’ve moved past this. Now, come or not, but I am going to find another way to end all of this.”

 

Sufficiently chastised, he pulled on his robes and cowl and followed her from the hut he occupied to hers. She didn’t invite him in, but left the rug that covered the doorway open. He ducked his head and stepped into the warmth of her home.

 

He had been here before, in a dream, holding her next to the fire while she slept on him. It came rushing back, the familiarity, the comfort. The feel of her gaze on him had him pulling back from the memory and glancing at her. 

 

She stood before him, a pile of books in her hands, looking slightly guilty. As his gaze roved over the antiquated covers he suddenly realized what she held.

 

“The ancient Jedi texts,” he breathed.

 

“I took them before I came to you on the Supremacy. I was afraid Luke would destroy them. I guess I was right to take them, after I saw what happened to the ancient tree he had kept them in.”

 

She laid them down on a stone that stood as a sort-of table and stepped back for Ben to look a them. He moved closer, his hand raised to touch them, but he did not. She could see that he remembered them, from a time before and wanted to lay a hand on them, but was hesitant. 

 

“I also found other texts, when I returned and when through his room. They look to be compiled from ancient texts he gathered during his travels. They are not Jedi. Some I believe are Sith. Many, I cannot read. I was hoping we--” She cut off her words.

 

He looked up at her and saw the trepidation in her eyes. She wanted to ask but was afraid to be denied this boon. 

 

“You want my help in translating them,” he finished for her.

 

“I think these might be the answers we are looking for. I think these book, together, can help us find another way.” She tried to convince him.

 

He looked down at the books spread on the table again, and nodded. “I will walk with you in the light, if you stand with me in the dark,” he said softly.

 

His voice, even as low as it was, scraped across her skin, making her shiver. She stepped closer to him, and slid her hand in his. 

 

“Together,” she whispered, tilting her face up to his.

 

He bent his, coming close to her. Their eyes held for a long time, before he spoke. “I want to kiss you again.”

 

She was silent, staring up at him. Uneasy at the choice he had given her.

 

“Please,” he whispered.

 

Her breath came faster at his words. Her lips parting ever so slightly, as she contemplated. And then she pushed up on her toes, and sealed her lips over his. His breath huffed out through his nose as his hands came up to cup her face. This time she was the aggressor, nibbling on his full lower lip and pulling it into her mouth to suckle. He grunted, and his hands gripped her shoulders firmly, opening his mouth over hers, and running his tongue along the inside of her lips. She challenged him, her tongue dancing with his, tasting his darkness while she shared her light. His was a heady flavor, dizzying her mind while pulling passion from her body. She wanted to drown in him, to lose herself in the midnight mist within him.

 

He didn’t think she was going to say yes, but when she pushed up against him and sealed her lips over his, his mind spun. She was in control, and he had no desire to take it from her. When she sucked his lower lip into her mouth, a deep grunt was pulled from his throat. Gripping her shoulders, he tried to pull her closer, needing to feel the heat of her body through their clothes. He slanted his mouth over hers, dipping his tongue in to taste her again. This time was different. She was open to him, unafraid of what was happening, and he fell into her. She swirled with stardust and light, making him light headed, and needing to cling to her. 

 

This time Rey was the first to break the kiss, stepping back from him and looking down embarrassed. Not wanting it to end and certainly not wanting her to be embarrassed by her passion, he hooked his finger beneath her chin and lifted her face. Holding her eyes with his, he lowered his face  to hers, and brushed his lips chastely against hers. 

 

“This is not wrong, Rey,” he brushed the words across her cheek.

 

She jerked her head up at his words, looking alarmed. “No. Not wrong. Never wrong. Just…”

 

“Just?”

 

“Frightening.” She rested her head against his cheek.

 

He nodded against her temple. “Yes.”

 

She wanted to stay there, close enough to feel his heat, within the circle of his arms. It felt right somehow, like she had belonged there for a very long time. Like coming home. But she was still trying to figure out how this had happened. 

 

“Do you think this, what we share, is because of Snoke?” she asked softly.

 

He pulled back from her, his brows drawn together in a frown. “This is us. Only us. Snoke is dead, and this bridge still exists. If it had been his doing, it would have been severed when I killed him.”

 

“You are so sure.” She frowned up at him.

 

His lips lifted ever so slightly. “I have thought about it a lot. I believe our connection was formed in the interrogation room. When I touched your face and entered your mind and you in turn entered mine.”

 

“But Snoke said--”

 

“If he had anything to do with it, all he did was strengthen it faster than what normally would have happened. But this… now… this would have eventually happened. We are connected, Rey. Two halves of one whole.”

 

She nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. She had thought about it too. For six months after shutting the door on him, on Crait, she wondered if it had all been Snoke’s scheme to connect them so he could get to her. So he could have the two most powerful Force users in the galaxy to manipulate and control. 

 

“Do you know of other Force users that have had a connection like this? Like ours?”

 

He was silently contemplative for a moment. “There are stories.”

 

“Tell me?” she asked.

 

“No.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

He pulled her closer into a hug, resting his lips against her forehead, before he released her. “Because that’s how all this started. A story, about ‘The Chosen One’. I’m done comparing myself to other people. I’m done trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. 

 

“You and I, we are like no one else.”

 

Taking her hand he moved and sat before the fire, tucking her in next to him before he reached for one of the texts lying on the stone slab. She sat next to him. Stiff at first, and then relaxing into him as she listened to him translate the text for her. 

 

She was not upset that he had refused to tell her the story. He was right. They were unlike anyone else. And to compare themselves to legends would only cause doubt in themselves and each other. And to find their own way, they needed to learn to trust each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAH!!! More kissing! Ben likes kissing, and they still need a little more time. That trust is a tenuous thing, and they both are not used to trusting anyone. Let's see how this will play out. Especially with the outside world coming back to intrude on their idyllic little hide away now. 
> 
> Comments + kudos = LOVE!! 
> 
> Kiss, kiss, XOXO


	14. It's Tearing You Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. My. God. I am so sorry for the long wait on this chapter! This was a beast and did not want to be written. So far all of my chapters have basically written themselves. This chapter had other ideas apparently. And honestly I don't know how I feel about it. But with that being said, I also want to thank you ALL for your comments. Each one of them makes me smile if not laugh. And each reminds me why I LOVE writing. To hear how happy this simple story has made you all is everything to me. With the world turned upside down out there, this is like a little haven to get away from it all. And I hope it stays that way. For you and me!
> 
> Now I can't promise that the chapters will be every two days as they have been, but I will try my best to get them out to you as soon as possible. And remember comments + kudos = LOVE!!! Kiss, Kiss XOXO

:Chapter Fourteen - :

 

She fell asleep against his side, to the soft rumblings of his voice. He had been patient with her, while she asked questions, trying to understand the absolutes of the Jedi way of thinking. He didn’t think he was the best person to explain the inner workings of the Jedi mind set, since he had never understood it himself. Yet, he tried his best to answer her. And when her questions had slowly dwindled, and she breathed deeply against his side, he continued to study, trying to make sense of the writing, and reconcile them in his own heart.

 

For years he had questions about the texts his uncle had used to teach him and the other Padawan at his Jedi Academy. Yet, when he had voiced those questions he had been admonished, and told to put them from his mind. They had been the path to the Dark Side. He had been told to follow blindly and not question those who knew better. And yet, he always wondered who determined which beings knew better.

 

When he came to the end of the first book, he closed it and leaned his head against the stone wall. Tucking her in close to him, he closed his eyes, and tried to rest his mind. With her so close, he found it hard to relax, but eventually he was able to steady his heart rate and fall into a meditative state.

 

She woke in the early dawn, feeling as if she were sleeping in the desert sun of Jakku. It took her a moment to realize she was tucked up against Ben, and his body heat radiated off of him like a sun. She loathed having to move, but her body was dripping with sweat and she needed some cool air. Sliding from his embrace, she slowly exited the hut, her blanket wrapped around her to ward off the morning chill, and took a deep cleansing breath. The early morning air was brisk and damp, and the glow of the two suns was just breaching the horizon. Determining he wouldn’t wake for another hour or two she headed off to the other side of the island. 

 

There she entered a small valley that was sheltered from the strong winds that tended to whip across the islands. At the base were a series of tiered fresh water pools, one emptying into another, that a dense fog sat over. She had found the hot springs by accident when she had been here with Luke all those months ago, and reveled in the hot water she could wash in without being interrupted by the Caretakers, Luke or the island’s native wildlife. 

 

Stripping down to nothing, she stepped into the lowest pool. The water reached her hips, yet the dense fog that rested over the water afforded her some privacy.  _ From whom _ , she thought, shaking her head. Ben would never find this place. Stepping over to the small waterfall, she ducked her head beneath and let the hot water pour over her. It felt wonderful. Bending down, she grabbed fists full of sand from the bottom of the pool and methodically scrubbed her entire body. 

 

By the time she was done, her body was a blush pink and it felt heavenly. Lying back, she concentrated on remembering Ben’s instructions on how to float. As her ears were submerged, a soft silence enveloped her, closing her eyes she stretched out her arms and ran her hands through the water. It was a sensual feeling, something she was not used to but found enticing. She reached out into the Force, opening herself up to the world around her.

 

He woke with a start. Feeling her power slide against his skin. Twisting, he searched for her in the hut, but found she was gone. His first reaction was panic. She had left him again. And then sanity settled  in and he realized she was still on the island. But where had she gone? Not to fish again. He swore under his breath as he reached out with his power to find her.

 

And there she was. He brushed up against her power. He couldn’t see her, but it was enough to be able to feel her safe and there right now. Settling back against the wall, he let his power remain close to her, enjoying the happiness she found in even such a mundane task as washing. He had lost that somewhere early in his life.  Being with her reminded him of so many things he had forgotten, be it by time or intent. 

 

He stayed with her while she explored her power, playing with it, enjoying it. She let if flow through her testing and teasing. And slowly it began to change. The playfulness slowly morphing into something darker, something sensual. He felt it deep inside of him, as if a string had been pulled taunt and plucked. He could feel her need, her wantonness, and he started to slid into it. To let it overwhelm him and pull him into its embrace.

 

She lay on her back, letting the water flow over her and beneath her. Her body grew warm, in the heat of the water. She could feel his power brushing against hers. Not intruding. Simply hovering close, as if he could not be without the touch of her power. Without the touch of her. 

 

The thought filled her, washing through her. If she admitted it, she was beginning to feel the same way. She did not like being without his touch. Did not like reaching out her power and not feeling his meet hers. When she woke this morning, snuggled against his side, she had to fight the urge to snake her hand beneath his robes to touch the warmth of his skin. And he was  _ so _ warm. 

 

As she thought about her need for him, her hands slid along her skin, not seeking, just reveling in the sensuality of it. She knew he was there, just enough to feel but not enough to bridge the bond. She let her thoughts go, imagining the things she wanted him to do to her naked body. How his large, callused hands would span her torso, run down her sides. How his thumbs would tease her nipples and shape her hip bones, as they moved down to her thighs. How his hands would massage her thighs open and delve into the wet heat he would find there. A small sigh escaped her lips.

 

He started to pull away, knowing this was something he was intruding on. But as he did, he felt her tug at their bond. As if she was asking him to stay. So he remained, drowning in her thoughts and feelings. Allowing himself to imagine this could actually happen, and was not just a game they were playing. Because if he was honest with himself, whatever this was would never leave the island, and they could not stay here, hidden forever.

 

The incessant beeping of a com-link, was irritating at the back of his mind. He wanted to ignore it. Wanted to delve himself into her thoughts. But he could not ignore his responsibilities forever. 

 

She felt him pull away. As if he snapped shut the connection she had shared with him. Startled, she sunk beneath the water and came up wiping her face. Had she gone too far? Had she disgusted him with her wanton thoughts? Climbing from the pool, she wrapped her blanket around her and sat on the grass, embarrassment and self loathing rolling off of her. How stupid she had been, thinking that he wanted her for anything more than to slake a need. She was nothing, she was no one. He could take anyone in the entire universe. Why would he want her. 

 

.

 

Leaving the hut, he answered the small long wave com-link he kept on his person. He didn’t use a greeting, he didn’t care to speak to anyone outside of the woman he just abruptly left.

 

“What can be so pressing that you felt the need to disturb me?”

 

Hux coughed, and began in his whiny voice, “Supreme Leader Ren, I felt the need to update you on our status.”

 

“And this couldn’t be sent to me by electronic communique? You felt the need to address me directly?” 

 

“I felt this information should be given to you directly.”

 

“I am headed to my ship now. I will hail you once I am there.”

 

“Very good, Supreme Leader. I will be waiting, at your convenience.”

 

Without a goodbye, he turned off the com-link, as he stalked to his ship. Annoyance rolled off of him. The last thing he wanted to deal with just then was a tug-of-war of power with Hux. He truly didn’t care what he had to say. Stomping up the walkway, he made his way to the bridge, and took a deep breath before he hailed Hux on the ships com link.

 

“Hello, Supreme Leader,” Hux answered the com.

 

“Admiral Hux,” he acknowledge the man.

 

“I am happy to announce that we were able to subdue the Twi’leks of Ryloth. They will no longer be a problem concerning the New Republic or the Resistance,” Hux announced proudly.

 

Ben was silent for a moment, almost disbelieving that Hux would contact him for something so inconsequential. Rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, he tried for patiences. 

 

“You contacted me to tell me that you did your job,” his voice was dry and annoyed.

 

“Yes. Well, no, no, I also have some pressing information that I thought you may need,” Hux tried to backtrack.

 

“And you don’t think you should have begun with that information?” he asked.

 

“Yes, well, we have discovered some information on the small band of Resistance fighters that escaped Crait.”

 

Ben sat up straighter. “What information?”

 

“We discovered that the fragmented band, headed to a small, uncharted planet on the Outer-Rim called, Arisaig, after escaping Crait.”

 

There was a pause. 

 

“And what have you done with this information, Admiral Hux?”

 

“I sent a fleet to the planet, but the makeshift base they were occupying was abandoned. From there the trail has gone cold. We interrogated our source, yet it seems that he had no more information to supply us with.”

 

Ben let out an imperceptible breath. “Thank you Admiral Hux. You will keep me informed if you receive anymore information. And you will do it before you make any move to engage or capture them. Do you understand, Admiral Hux?” 

 

“But Supreme Leader, I feel that time is of the essence. If we wait--”

 

“Do. You. Understand? Admiral.” he repeated, his voice brooked no argument.

 

“I understand, Supreme Leader Ren.”

 

“Very good. Then I will expect to hear from you only if you have discovered any more information that is pertinent to my search.”

 

And with that, he disconnected the link, and sat back in his chair trying to wrap his mind around the betrayal. So they had let her go and then run themselves. Such faith they had in their hero. Such hope in their ‘last Jedi’, that the moment she left, they had gathered what was left of them, and ran. Leaving her alone, in his clutches. He wondered if she knew, or if this was done, as he suspected, without her knowledge.

 

Scrubbing his face with his hands, he sat in his chair on the bridge a few minutes longer. He needed to bring his heart rate back within normal range before he went to find her. When Hux had said he had information on the Resistance, he had stopped breathing. When Hux had said that he had sent a fleet to find them, his heart had stopped beating. 

 

He hadn’t seen his mother since she had sent him away, but he didn’t want Hux to be the one that found her now. That was for him. And even before he had discovered his bond with Rey, he was not sure how he truly felt about his mother. Although she had been the one who had stayed, when his father was always running, she had been consumed with her duties as a Senator, and he had always taken a back seat to them. But he had memories. Memories, of a softness, of a melody in the dark, of a press of lips against his forehead. They were distant, and foggy, but he still associated them with her.

 

Shaking himself from his mauldin thoughts, he rose to leave. He needed to find Rey. He needed the calm he found with her. The ease in his own skin, he felt with her near. She was like a salve for his dark soul. And yet, she did nothing. She just was. It was he who found himself wanting to be different for her. Because of her.

 

He found her sitting before the fire in her hut. Her hair cascading damply down her back, curled in some blankets, with a book on her lap. She was intent on what she was reading, and looked up surprised when he entered. Catching her eyes, he saw her face flame and she quickly glanced away. Closing his eyes, he felt the heat rise to his cheeks as he remembered earlier that morning and his abrupt departure from their link.

 

Opening his eyes, he studied her, not sure what to say. “Rey, I--”

 

“Don’t,” she interrupted him.

 

“Don’t?”

 

“Don’t say anything. You tend to muck it up. And besides, I don’t care to embarrass myself again.”

 

“Muck it up? Embarrass yourself? Is that what you think?”

 

“I opened myself up to you, and you…” she couldn’t finish her tirade.

 

“Rey…”

 

“Don’t think that using my name, is going to change anything.”   
  


“You are seriously trying my patience, woman. I did not leave you by choice this morning. And if you’d let me get a word in, I would explain myself.”

 

She blinked up at him, but remained silent.

 

“I would have stayed there with you forever. I did not think you wanted me there when it all first started. But when I tried to withdraw, and you tugged at the bridge between us, as if you wanted me there, I couldn’t leave. I know I should have. I know it was wrong to remain, but I was helpless. Because as much as I wanted to be there, the thought that you wanted me there was overwhelming. Rey, I would not have willingly left.”

 

He had moved to her, ducking down to be eye level with her. She still had to lift her face to meet his eyes.

 

“I thought… I thought you were…” Again she couldn’t say the words.

 

“No. Gods, Rey, I’ve told you, you are beautiful.” He brushed a tendril of hair from her cheek.

 

“Then what?”

 

He took a deep breath before he spoke. “I had an urgent communique from Hux.”

 

He saw her physically stiffen at his name. Her flushed cheeks paled. 

 

“Is it about the Resistance?” she asked softly.

 

“Partially yes.” He still hadn’t decided how much to tell her.

 

Her face was stoic as she waited for him.

 

“My forces, were sent to subdue some of the Resistance planets what were still problems. Ryloth was one of those planets. On Ryloth they discovered some information that led them to Arisaig.” He paused waiting for her reaction.

 

She remained silent but looked resigned.

 

“When my fleet arrived on Arisaig, the temporary base that the fugitives occupied was abandoned. The trail from there was cold.”

 

Her face did not change. She simply look away from him to the fire crackling cheerily in the hearth.

 

“You do not look surprised at the news. Did you know?” he pushed gently.

 

She shook her head, but did not turn to look at him. “Did I know? No, I didn’t. But I had a feeling. You’re mother knew where I was going. She knows about the bond we share. She felt the shift in the Force when I opened it back up on Arisaig. 

 

“She is too much a General to risk what is left of her people. She made a choice. One any good general would have. The life of one for the life of many.”

 

He felt the anger rising in him. “So you were the blood sacrifice? You were the life they sacrificed for the good of the rest?”

 

“It was my choice. No one pushed me to this.”

 

“Were you not worth her protection too?” he growled.

 

“She knew I did not need her protection any longer.”

 

“And why not?!” It was almost a shout.

 

“Because she was sending me to you.”


	15. It's Time To Stop Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {EDIT - Okay this chapter has been bothering me for a bit. I was happy when I first wrote it but back then I was living in the uphoria that was TLJ. I refused to believe that Ben/Kylo Ren would kill his father. Fast forward to now... I have gone back and reread The Force Awakens and have to admit there is no gray area in the book. Ben/Kylo Ren does indeed kill Han Solo. No matter how gray the movie makes it look i must admit that this is really what happenes. 
> 
> And if I have to admit that, then I also need to fix/change a part of this chapter if I want to keep the fact that Kylo has never lied to Rey a truth. He must accept his role in his father's death, no matter how much it is haunting him now. He commited the crime and he must own up to it to Rey.
> 
> That being said, most of this chapter stays the same. And even the scene only changes slightly. But in order for me to stay true to who I believe Ben/Kylo is I felt a moral obligation to fix my blatant fan girl disregard for the truth. I hope anyone who disagreed with me before will enjoy the change and any one who disagrees with me now will understand why I must do this. Much love.}
> 
>  
> 
> Hello my lovelies! I'm back! This chapter begged to be written. Like almost literally. And I hope you are as thrilled with where it is going as I am. I can't promise that I'm back to posting every two days but I'm going to try my best. And if the rest of the chapters are anything like this one I will be fine! That being said, enjoy, and... I'm sorry. ;) I love you all!!! Kiss, kiss. XOXO

:Chapter 15:

 

He was speechless. How could his mother have known? 

 

“How did she know you would be safe with me?”

 

“You don’t give your mother enough credit,” she argued gently.

 

“I don’t give her any credit.”

 

“Is that because you don’t give yourself any credit either?” she asked softly.

 

Again he had no words. Was he that transparent? Could she read him so easily? Could everyone?

 

She reached out her hand and laid it on his arm. “I know you, Ben Solo. I’ve known you for my whole life. You are my other half. I may not have had this bond with you, but when we touched I was complete. I can see your insecurities, just as you can see mine. We can have no secrets from each other.”

 

He slid his arm away, and his hand found hers. “That is why she didn’t tell you. She knew.”

 

“She is strong in the Force, your mother. It’s easy to forget. She never trained to be a Jedi, but she is powerful,” she explained.

 

He studied Rey, contemplating what she said.

 

“Do you find it strange that I know more about the woman who gave birth to, you than you do?” Rey pushed.

 

“No. What I find strange is that when you tell me, I find myself caring.”

 

His voice was distant and almost curious. His eyes were focused on something that she couldn’t see.

 

“You must have memories. Something of your childhood with her.”

 

“Fleeting thoughts and feelings. Nothing solid. She was gone more than she was with me.”

 

It was Rey’s turn to contemplate him. She had never thought of his childhood as being as desolate and lonely as her’s. She had imagined him surrounded by his parents, and family. The favored son of the Rebellion General and the Rebel Princess. Raised in the glittering throng of the New Republic. She had never seen him as a lonely child. Abandoned in his own way, as she was. And as much as she knew his soul, she did not know his heart and mind. 

 

She took a deep silent breath. Should she tell him of his mother’s condition? Would it change anything? 

 

“What will you do when you find her?”

 

His eyes immediately found her face. “You are so sure I will.”

 

She shrugged. Trying to appear nonplussed. “I feel it is inevitable. There are only so many places to hide. Eventually their luck will run out.”

 

“And you want to know what?” he pushed, as he always did with her. Forcing her be honest with herself and him.

 

“Say it.”

 

“Will you kill her too?” her voice caught.

 

He looked away. “You called me a monster once. I told you I was.”

 

“No!” she denied his words. “You wouldn’t.”

 

“No one knows what they will do until they are put to the test.”

 

“Like you with Han?” bitterness tinged her voice.

 

He remained silent for a moment. “It’s not what you think.”

 

As his words sank in, everything in her rebelled. “Not what I think? I saw you. I was there! How can you lie about this?”

 

There was anger and accusation in her voice. She pulled her hand from his. He glanced down at his empty hand, flexing it closed before pulling it back. 

 

“You don’t understand. I tried. I tried to rid myself of my past. Tried to forget who I was, where I came from. But it was always there. Always, reminding me that I wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t strong enough. Then Snoke had ordered me to kill him. Said it was my final test. And I was ready to do exactly that. But again I wasn’t strong enough. As much as I tried to seperate Ben Solo from Kylo Ren. As much as I tried to forget who I was and where I came from, I failed.

 

“And he knew. Han knew I couldn’t do it. Not alone. And he knew what would happen to me if I didn’t. So, like the complicated and stubborn man he was, he decided his last act would be to protect the son who had turned his back on him. To protect the son who had come to kill him. 

 

“When he grabbed my light saber I knew what he meant to do. And there was a part of me who selfishly wanted it to happen. That dark part of me that resented him for being absent for most of my childhood. But I was weak, I could not do it by myself. He turned the saber and waited. He waited for me to kill him. And when I lit the saber, all I could feel was relief. That he had made the choice for me.

 

“I expected to feel fulfilled. To feel renewed. But all I felt was empty and doubt began to creep in.”

 

Her face registered shock. Innately she knew he was telling the truth. He had no reason to lie to her now. The deed had been done. 

 

“I don’t understand?”

 

“Neither did I. Until I saw Snoke hurting you in the throne room. You were my enemy. You represented everything I hated. And yet I found myself resolved to kill my master because of what he did to you. I can only imagine Han’s feelings that day were something similar.”

 

“You let me call you a monster,” she whispered.

 

“Because I am a monster. I was there to kill him. And I when I couldn't I used _his_ strength to do it. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve his sacrifice. But I took it. I allowed him to take the choice out of my hands. Only a monster would stand there and do nothing.”

 

His face was stoic, but she could feel his pain. It was a tangible thing, as sharp and painful as a blade. She did not know what to say. She still hurt to think about that day. Watching from too far away. Helpless to stop anything from happening. But to hear his words, to see the pain he was holding in, tore her heart to pieces. 

 

“If you were truly a monster, you would not be here now. You would not have protected me in the throne room. You would not have hesitated when you were ordered to kill your father. You can’t go on like this. Let me help you, Ben.”

 

He chuckled darkly. “I am beyond help. Besides, that goes against your rules.”

 

She rose, the blanket falling from her shoulders, the book thumping to the stone floor. “God, Ben, stop acting like a child. This is not about games. This is life and death. This is the fate of every life in how many galaxies? And you make jokes about my ‘rules’?”

 

He surged upward. “I should stop acting like a child?! Have you taken a look at yourself then? When will you stop acting like a child, Rey? When will you stop hiding.”

 

He had advanced on her as he spoke. Forcing her to back herself into the wall of the hut. He was close. Close enough that she could breath in his scent, a mixture of citrus, sea air, and something innately male. Her hands were braced against his chest. Her fingers curling into his black robes, as she looked up at him. His face was intense, and his eyes swirled with dark secrets and desires. She wanted to fall into them. To explore them with abandon. But the fear still had her holding back. The fear of what she was feeling. The fear of what she wanted. The fear of being rejected. And the fear of getting everything she dreamed.

 

“I can’t do this,” she gasped and pushed against him, slipping around him.

 

He turned and watched her disappear out the door. Sitting down hard on the stone slab, he dropped his head into his hands. He had thought he could get her to admit how she felt. Thought he could force her to face the truth of what they were to each other. But he had pushed too hard, too soon, and she bolted from him. Running from the monster of her waking nightmares. 

 

Lifting his head from his hands, he noticed the blanket and book lying where they had fallen on the floor.  Standing he reached for the both, placing the blanket on the stone bed, and turning the book to see what she had been studying. He blinked as he flipped the cover open. 

 

He recognized the hand writing immediately. His uncles, distinct Aurebesh ran across the pages. There was no official title on the cover, but he could taste the tang of the Dark Side that had been left on it. This, it seemed, as he flipped through the pages, had been compiled by Emperor Palpatine, from journals and scrolls of Sith Masters back to the first recorded Master. Much of it was bits and pieces, nothing in its entirety, but it was enough to paint a very good picture of what students of the Dark Side of the Force were capable of and willing to do. 

 

He saw the torn cloth marker she had placed in the pages. Opening to the page she had left off on, he sighed. On it was the slashing scrawl of Darth Plagueis. Closing his eyes he slapped the book shut and headed out to find her. 

 

Having no idea where she might have gone, he reached out for her, tugging on their bond. But at the other end, he felt nothing. She was there, on the island. That much he could tell, but he could barely feel her. As if she had closed off as much of their bond as she dared, without shutting it again completely. He could not tell where she was and it was obvious she didn’t want to be found.

 

He cursed, slamming the book onto the ground, as he lowered himself to a stone ledge to wait for her. If she didn’t want to be found, then he would wait. But that didn’t mean he was going to be happy about it. Nor was he going to so easily forgive her for running from him again.

 

.

 

Sitting on one of the piers in the Caretakers village, she dangled her bare feet over the water. The day was warm, and the binary sun’s heat kissed her cheeks. She had come here because this was the very last place he would look for her, and she needed space and time to think on everything that had been said. And to find peace in her own mind.

 

Part of her had known the Resistance was going to be leaving Arisaig once she had left. She could admit that it was the smart thing to do. But another part of her was hurt that Leia didn’t think she had been trustworthy enough to give that information to. Yet, she thought, had it been Leia’s decision. Poe had told her that the General had fallen ill shortly after she had left, so perhaps it hadn’t been Leia’s choice to move the base to another location.

 

And if it had been Poe that had moved the base, why hadn’t he told her during their last communication? Why keep it from her? Unless they had told no one of their move and were cut off from all of their allies, including her.  She shook her head, she could go around in circles trying to figure it all out, but it still came down to one thing. They had left in time to evade the First Order once again. Their luck hadn’t run out yet.

 

Ben’s revelation about his father had been shocking, yet the more she thought about it the more sense it made to her. She had only known Han for a short time, and even she knew that beneath that prickly exterior beat the heart of a man who would give his life for those he loved. Suddenly a memory came flashing back to her. 

 

_ Tears streaming down her cheeks. Anger and hurt in her heart, she stood on Ahch-To and faced Kylo Ren from across the galaxies. _

 

_ “Why did you hate your father? You had a father who loved you! Who gave a damn about you!” she had cried. _

 

_ “I didn’t hate him,” he had calmly answered. _

 

_ “Then why?” _

 

_ “Why what? Why what? Say it.” _

 

_ “Why did you kill him?” _

 

He had never answered her question. Only with another question, but never an answer. Perhaps she now knew why. He had been ashamed for his weakness. He had been riddled with guilt for his part in it. She felt him tug at their bond, and she slammed up the mental shields she had been fotifying since Crait. She did not need him in her head right now. She couldn’t think with him in her head. She could barely think with herself in her head.

 

Taking a deep breath, she stared out at the horizon. Endless ocean, dotted with islands reaching to the sky. While this planet was far from peaceful, with it’s raging seas and it unpredictable weather, she had found a peace within herself here. And although their relationship was more of a tug of war, she had found she did not want to remember who she was without him. And she was terrified of having to leave this place without him. Of being torn apart by their choices and this war. There was no answer where she was not destroyed by her own choices.

 

Her chest ached. Her confusion was hurting her more than she cared to admit.

 

_ Then perhaps it’s time you stop running, Rey-from-Nowhere,  _ his familiar voice spoke from behind her.

 

She spun, pulling her knees up onto the pier and froze. “Master Skywalker?”

 

But no one was there. Just an echo of a memory. And perhaps it was right. She needed to stop running some time. Why not now? Why not with him. At least for the short time they had. Reality would come crashing in eventually and then choices and decisions would have to be made. But until then, perhaps she could just stop, and breath, and simply be.

 

Standing, she walked up the pier, and through the Caretakers village to the stone steps that would lead her back to the huts. She kept her mental shields in place until she saw him seated outside on the stone ledge, his back bent, his elbows resting on his knees and his head bowed. When she dropped them, he started and his head swiftly turned to her. 

 

Stopping in front of him, she waited for her heart to fall into a natural rhythm, for her breathing to slow. He looked up at her and waited, sensing her turmoil and knowing she had something to stay.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

He waited, once again making her say more.

 

“I’m sorry for constantly running.” She crouched in front of him.

 

“I’ve been running for my whole life. Even when I thought I was standing still I was running. Fear kept me running. Fear of my parents not returning for me. Fear of Unkar Plutt selling me to the flesh peddlers. Fear of losing my friends. Fear of losing myself. And now… fear of losing you.”

 

“Rey, I--” He reached for her hand.

 

“No, please let me finish. I’m… I’m terrified. I’m terrified of how I feel when I’m with you. Of how I feel when I’m without you. I’ve tried so hard to push you away. To find any reason why we will never work. And there are so many. So many things, to come between us. You can destroy me. With a single word, you can shatter me. And yet, I find myself here, before you, telling you that there is only one reason I have not to run.”

 

She was on her knees, kneeling between his legs, her hands clutching his. She was clinging to him as if he were her life line. His eyes searched her face, intense and dark. His full mouth pressed together, and his brow furrowed slightly. 

 

“What is it?” He barely got the words out of his mouth.

 

“I need you.”

 

The words were out before she could stop them. And she watched as his face hardened. She thought she could actually hear her heart fracture. It was so painful in her chest that she tried to pull away from him just to wrap her hands around herself. But he would not let her hands go. He stood, pulling her to her feet. She could barely stand. And even with all of the pain, she could not take her eyes from his.

 

He shook his head. “It’s not enough.”


	16. You're Not Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {EDIT - I wanted to rework this chapter. I felt like it was a bit immature and I wasn't happy. There won't be crazy changes, but some dialog wasn't working for me. So this chapter and the following chapter are going to be updated. I'm hoping I'll be happier with the rework than I was with the original. Thanks for understanding.}
> 
> Okay, I know that was kinda shitty of me to leave last chapter like that. But I promise I have made up for it here.
> 
> DOUBLE CHAPTER POST!!! 
> 
> Yes, this ended up being over 15 pages, so I broke it into 2 chapters and am giving both to you today. No waiting to see what happens!!! And I promise it has definitely earned it's M rating! I really hope you like it as much as I do. 
> 
> FINALLY!!!
> 
> So no more waiting. Here you go my lovelies! Kiss, kiss XOXO

:Chapter Sixteen:

 

He watched as her face fell at his words. 

 

_ Damn him _ , he thought,  _ he could never say the right thing _ . Why couldn’t he just say what he meant, what he was feeling. If he could call the emotions that came from his black heart feelings.

 

“I--” she started to pull away.

 

“Wait! Please, wait. Let me speak. Hear me out, and then leave if you must.”

 

She stopped struggling, and stood looking at him. A tear fell from the corner of her eye, sliding like a shooting star down her cheek.

 

“I know I tend to ‘muck this up’, as you say. I don’t have the right words. I’ve never expressed the things that I’ve felt. Not even to my parents. I’ve kept all of my emotions bottled up and pushed deep down. As a Jedi they were the path to the Dark Side. As a Knight of Ren they were my power, but they were also another’s power over me. My emotions were my weakness.

 

“Snoke had warned me from very early on, when he knew how powerful I would become, that there would be another. A light to my darkness. He trained me to hate that light. Molded me to want to destroy it. And it was what fired me.

 

“And then I started to hear about this girl. This girl who had escaped with the BEE-BEE unit we were searching for, in my father’s ship. This girl who tried to defy me in the forest on Takodana. This girl who was able to resist me and push herself beyond my mental walls on Starkiller Base. 

 

“You were in my head and that is where the bond began. I couldn’t get you out. You were all I thought about. I knew I needed you, but I didn’t know why. I thought I was meant to be your teacher. I thought I was meant to be the one to show you the Dark Side. But when my Grandfather’s Lightsaber chose you over me on Starkiller Base, I knew that wasn’t the case.

 

“When the Force started to connect us, although we were galaxies apart, I knew it was more, yet I could not understand. And as we met, I came to know you. I came to understand you were as lost and lonely as I was. Searching for a place to belong, just like me. I thought my place was with the First Order. You thought your place was with the Resistance. Again, the Force had something else in mind. 

 

“And now we are here. Together, and we still do not know why the Force has put us together. I am done being pushed and pulled, with no will of my own. I have never had a companion. Never had friends as a child. I never knew what if felt like to need someone. But with you… with you, Rey, I need you. 

 

“No, it started that way. It started as need. I needed answers. I needed to understand. I needed someone who understood me and what was happening to me. But over time, something changed. It wasn’t just that I needed to talk to you. It wasn’t just that I needed to have that connection.”

 

He paused, knowing the time for secrets was over, but terrified of revealing his truth. 

 

“I wanted you. I wanted to see you. To talk to you. I waited for the Force to connect us. Even when you snarled at me. Even when you cursed me and called me a monster, I still wanted you. With you, I made sense. With you I wasn’t alone. With you, I was complete. For all my life I had been waiting for something, and until that moment I didn’t know was it was. But now I do. 

 

“I don’t want to know who I am without you anymore. I don’t want to leave this place without you. I can’t lose part of me, now that I have found it. And you are that piece Rey. I have needed you for a long time. And now that you are here before me, I won’t deny that I want you. I want you so fiercely that it doesn’t stand to reason. It doesn’t make any sense to me. But I can’t deny it anymore. And honestly, I don’t want to. 

 

“But if you are only here because you  _ need  _ something from me. Because you  _ only  _ need me. Then it is not enough. It will never be enough. Not for me. 

 

“Because what happens when you don’t need me anymore? How am I to go on after that?”

 

She was speechless. Her lips slightly parted in awe. That these words had come from him. How perfectly he had eloquated her jumbled thoughts. How easily he has spoken his heart, when she could barely examine hers. And yet, as he spoke everything seemed to fall into place. Her world had finally stopped spinning off kilter and came to a balance. 

 

She slid her hands from his. Watching as his fell to his sides. She stepped closer, her tears freely falling now, and took his face in her hands. 

 

“I have been alone for most of my life. I can’t remember a time when I had a family, whether it was my real family or a foster family. And I have been searching for my place in this universe. When I touched your mind on Starkiller Base I knew, and I ran from that truth. I denied it to myself. I fought against it during everyone of our meetings, until our last. 

 

“I couldn’t deny it any longer. And then the throne room, and Crait happened. And I tried my best to cut myself off from you. And it was okay at first. I was so consumed with helping my friends, that I had no time to think about what was missing. Except at night. At night I would ache from being torn apart. From being without you. But I couldn’t reconcile what had happened, with what I had felt for you. With what I still felt for you.

 

“For six months, I allowed myself to be torn apart, to protect my friends. And then I couldn’t any more. I had become a ghost of myself. A shadow of the girl I was. And I couldn’t go on. I needed to find out why. And that was when I reached out to you again.

 

“And I was frightened. I didn’t know how you were going to react. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to react. But I couldn’t continue on that way. I knew then that I needed you. I needed you not just to teach me but to complete me. And no, I didn’t want either. 

 

“I was afraid of you. Of the darkness within you that seduced me. I tried to stay on my guard. To not allow you close. But I couldn’t do that. Because the more I was with you... The more I got to know you... The more I understood what was wrong. You were my destiny. You completed me. I needed you.

 

Her words were his undoing. He could not hold himself up any longer. She was killing him softly, and he wasn’t sure he could survive her answer.

 

“And there may come a time when I don’t need you any longer.” She took his face in her hands. “But there will never be a time when I don’t want you.” She sealed her words to his lips with her kiss.

 

He shattered. Splintered into a million pieces. His knees buckled and he fell to them, clinging to her like a drowning man. Their lips broke apart and he buried his face into her abdomen. Her lips found his hair as she clutched him to her. Holding him as if to never let go. 

 

Her hands slid into the dark silk of his hair. She wanted to weep at the feel of it curling around her fingers. She breathed deeply of him, filling her senses with nothing but him. She had dreamed of holding him to her, of feeling their power swirl together, of feeling complete in his arms. 

 

He felt her kiss on the top of his head, and then moved down to his hairline. He couldn’t help the sudden intake of breath when she laid her lips on the scar on his forehead. Her lips like the softest wings kissed down the scar until she reached the corner of his mouth. 

 

Her breath fluttered there as she whispered, “Please forgive me.”

 

Heat spiked to his core and he surged to his feet, claiming her mouth. He was not gentle as his lips seared across her, stealing her breath. He meant to mark her as his, to brand her with his body. There was no going back. They had passed the point of no return, and the only way out was together. 

 

He drew a groan from deep in her throat as his tongue swept into her mouth, claiming dominance for the first time. And she was not going to back down from this battle. She slanted her mouth over his, meeting his tongue thrust for thrust. Her teeth came down on his bottom lip, tugging it roughly, before she sucked it into her mouth and laved it gently with her tongue. He heard the sound that came from his throat, but could not identify it as his own.

 

His hands ran over her slender body, touching where he once only imagined. But it wasn’t enough, her clothes did not offer him what he truly wanted. Taking her face in his hands, he pulled back slightly. He relished the dazed look he saw on her face. 

 

“Come with me,” he whispered softly, tugging her away from the huts.

 

She frowned, confused. “But the huts are--”

 

“No, not in the darkness. Come,” was all he would commit to.

 

She hesitated for a moment, knowing then that she had trusted him all along. Laying her hand in his, she saw her fate, solid and clear. She followed him up the steps, his thumb brushing small circles across her palm as they climbed. The touch was electric and she could feel it to her core. When they reached the Saddle where they first met on the island he turned to her, ducking his head for another searing kiss. As if the climb had been too long without being able to touch her fully. His hands dug into her hair and pulled it free from it’s ties. The wind took it, as if jealous of not being able to play their game, pulling it from her face and body, floating it on it’s currents.

 

Breaking their kiss she looked up into his eyes. “Here?”

 

“Yes, here.”

 

“But what if someone sees?”

 

He chuckled at her modesty, as his lips ran over her face and throat. “Someone? The Caretakers? Let them watch.”

 

Turning her head, she found his lips, and kissed him fiercely. Her hands dragged at his cowl and robes, trying to pull them from him. Taking her hands gently in his, he pulled away and looked down at her. 

 

“I am in no hurry. I will spend a thousand years here, with you, learning all of your secrets. Slow, Rey.”

 

“I can’t be slow. I feel like my skin is stretched so tightly, that one touch will make me break into a million pieces.” She sighed as he languidly brushed his lips over her collar bone.

 

“But you will not,” his heated breath sent shivers down her body. 

 

Neither could keep their hands from the other. They were forever touching and exploring. He guided her to the ground, where he sat her beside him. But that was not enough for her. She kissed him again, tracing her tongue along the seam of his lips. With a groan he crushed her to him, while her hands searched for skin. He broke their kiss this time.

 

“Are you sure you want this? I destroy everything I touch.”

 

There was silence as his words hung in the air between them.  He had given her a way out. She could hear him breathing. Deeper than he usually did, as the air was released through his parted lips.  Closing her eyes, she leaned into him.

 

“Then destroy me.  Because I refused to let you go.”

 

He crushed her to him again, his lips devouring hers. Her whimpers drove him on, as her fingers fluttered to find heated skin. Breaking their kiss, he yanked the cowl over his head, and then the robes.

 

Kneeling up before him, she reached out, her hand hovering over his skin. Electricity leaped between them. Her eyes took in every inch. The way the muscles of his chest and abdomen seemed carved from moonstone. He saw as her gaze swept downward taking in his snug pants and what swelled beneath it. The sculpture of his thighs and calves, and the way the muscles twitched in nervous anticipation. Finally tearing her eyes away, she reached for his belt and within minutes his pants were sliding off his legs. Lying before her, clad only in his undergarments, his erection barely contained in the black cloth, he held his breath. Never before had he been this nervous.  But then again, never before had anyone mattered so much.

 

Dragging her eyes back up his body, she met his.  Her eyes were fathomless. Deep hazel pools, that he could lose himself in.  But that was not what this was about. Slowly he reached out a hand to touch her, but she pulled back in a quick reaction.  Her gaze fell back to his torso, her hands held again, close enough for him to feel the heat of them on his skin.

 

“Gods,” she whispered, in awe of the masterpiece before her.

 

He swallowed past the dryness in his throat, and waited breathlessly.  When her fingertips finally laid on his skin, his eyes closed and his head fell back.  Delicately, she traced patterns in the shadows, and suddenly she stopped. As her finger brushed against the scar she had given him, he shuddered.  And then suddenly he felt her warm lips upon him, and the groan rose in the back of his throat. He was helpless to stop it from coming. His hands rose to fist in the satin hair that fell around her.  He breathed her in, the exotic floral, and the scent that was innately her, trying to hold on to it, knowing it was a fruitless game he played.

 

Abruptly he tugged, pulling her head back, and looked down at her.  She appeared startled, but didn’t bolt.

 

“Fair is fair.  Your turn,” he said, his voice husky with passion.

 

Contemplating his words for a moment, she stilled.  And then moved to stand, the twin suns at her back, she was haloed in a pool of shimmering light.  Tilting her head backwards, she shook her hair behind her. Rey lifted her hand, and with agonizing slowness, she slid her arm bands off.  Her top was next exposing the breast band that barely covered the tight buds of her nipples. Brushing it down, she pushed it past her hips letting it fall, already forgotten, to her feet.  His sharp intake of breath, had a small smile forming on her full lips. 

 

She stood before him, her breasts pert and high, the skin of her ribs, tight over the muscles defined there.  Her hips curved from a tiny waist, down to her long legs. She peeled her pants from her legs leaving her only covering the tight shorts she wore to cover her sex. She looked sculpted of sunlight, and he was at a loss.  Staring at her, he took her in, afraid to touch such a vision, lest it fade to nothingness. He saw the trepidation pass over her eyes, as she waited for him to react. As her arms began to rise, and wrap around her waist, he realized that his lack of any kind of reaction had her doubting herself.

 

“No,” he ordered, “Let me look at you.”

 

Rey dropped her hands slowly, standing before him as he finally stood and moved closer.  Reaching out, his hand cupped her right breast, brushing his thumb gently over her nipple.  He felt her body shudder, and he couldn’t help the small smile that formed. 

 

Barely breathing, he traced the curve of her back with the sensitive tips of his fingers.  Stepping closer, he laid his other hand on the curve of her hip. Turning his hand over he traced the line of her neck down her shoulder, with the knuckle of his middle finger.  His breathing was shaky as his fingers brushed along. His hand continued down her arm as he leaned in and brushed his warm lips against the juncture of her neck and shoulder. He felt her body tremble at the touch.  He stilled, waiting for her to retreat from him. To his surprise, she stood there, eyes closed as if waiting.

 

His body hardened at the thought.  He wanted her. Gods, did he want her.  He had since Starkiller Base. But in the time he had come to know her, the want had changed. It was so far beyond want now.  He needed her like a drowning man needed air.

 

“Rey,” his rough voice brushed over her like velvet.

 

He realized that he was a bit shaky, and his voice had a soft tremor.  He brushed his lips against her throat again, placing both hands on her arms to steady himself.

 

“Ben.” His name was expelled on a breath.

 

Slowly, he closed the distance between them and took her mouth again. At the slightest touch of her lips, the heat seared through him. With a deep intake of air, he wrapped her in his arms, pulling her tight to him. His mouth ravaged hers, nipping and sucking at her full bottom lip.  His tongue delving into its sweetness. 

 

She was fierce, her hands sliding up his neck to tangle in the hair at the back of his head, pulling him to her. Her mouth matched his, and he found the nip of pain was worth the thrill of passion. His mouth broke away from hers, kissing a line down her jaw to her throat.  She, tilted her head back, welcoming the rough scratch of his scruff and the thrilling scrape of his teeth. A moan escaped her throat, and she felt more than heard the soft growl of her name rumble through him. She clutched at his shoulders as his tongue traced patterns across her clavicle. She could feel the hardness of him pressed against her core, and heat pooled low within her. 


	17. Neither Are You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YAY!!! More gratuitous SMUT!!! ;)
> 
> Comments + Kudos = LIFE!!!

:Chapter Seventeen:

 

“Ben,” his name escaped her lips more frantically this time, as her nails dug into his back.

 

“Gods, I want you,” he growled.

 

He slowly lowered to the ground, with Rey still held to his chest, and laid her down on the sun warmed grass.  He kneeled up, looking down at her.  She was stunning.  The haze of passion painting a flush on her skin. Her cloud of hair spread around her like a silken cocoon.  Her eyes watched him hungrily, dark secrets dancing within. Resting over her on his knees and elbows, his hand slid down her side, and slipped beneath the band of her panties at her hip.  As he slid them off, her hands pushed at the cotton that was the only barrier between them now.  Within seconds, his underwear had gone the way of her panties, and he lay atop her, with nothing to separate their warmed skin. He scooped her to him again and rolled her on top of him, so she was stretched out from nose to toes against his heated body.

 

"Rey."  Her name came out strangled from his throat.  

 

She smiled.  That sweet smile on her lips, while wicked sins filled her eyes.  

 

"Let me?" she whispered.  The words skipping deliciously across his skin.

 

Intrigued, he lay back.  The irony of him lying completely naked and at her will wasn’t lost on him, but at that point he no longer cared. She sat up over him.  Her dark hair fell around her face, shrouding her in shadow.  But her eyes shone like stars out of the darkness.  By all that was holy, he was not going to last..  

 

He closed his eyes as her breasts brushed against his chest.  Pulling in a deep breath, he held it.

 

"No," came her seductive voice.  "Open your eyes and look at me."

 

Releasing his breath, he opened his dark eyes, and found her merely inches from his face.  Leaning down, she softly captured his lips.  Straddled over him, he could feel the heat of her core, and felt himself grow thick with need.  She swirled her tongue within his mouth, dancing it with his.  She tasted of dark longings.  Pulling away slightly, she caught his full bottom lip between her teeth and tugged gently.  He was helpless to stop the sound that escaped the back of his throat.

 

She consumed him, to the point that there was nothing left for any other thoughts. Leaving his lips, her mouth traveled to the shell of his ear.  Her warm breath, and moist tongue driving him mad with want.  Her teeth grazed the shell of his ear, and scraped along the lobe.  Her lips on his throat were distracting, and when she circled her tongue on a spot just below his ear, then blew, a shiver went through his whole body.  The dark chuckle that came from her, vibrated against him.  Her hands were on his chest, stroking over the rippled muscle and brushing against the hardened buds of his nipples.  His body was alive with electricity.  Every nerve ending hummed with a power he had never felt before.

 

When her mouth trailed down his chest, and her tongue flicked over a nipple, he almost threw her from him with the reaction he felt.

 

"What did you do?"  His voice was barely his, as he looked down at her with glazed eyes.

 

Again she smiled sweetly, and with her eyes locked on his, she leaned down and swirled her tongue around his nipple once again.  He bucked beneath her, his head falling back as he groaned.  With a smile she closed her mouth around the nipple and gently scraped it with her teeth, watching for his reaction.  His head jerked up, his eyes open.  She could hear his quick panting and feel the flutter of his heart beating beneath the muscle of his chest.  As she moved to his other nipple, his hands found his robes and fisted in them. Shuddering, as she slowly moved her mouth down the hard expanse of his chest, he released the robes and dug his hands into the mass of her hair that was spilling around her.

 

"I could be sublimely happy with only that," he whispered hoarsely to her.

 

Lifting her mouth from him, she smiled fondly. “I have a feeling you might change your mind."

 

He managed a chuckle, "I have a feeling you are right." 

 

She moved further down, kissing and tugging at his taut skin with her lips and teeth.  And as she slid lower, he felt her breasts slide down around him, caressing his already throbbing cock.  He gasped, and there was silence.  She looked up at him and chuckled.

 

"You need to breathe.  If you pass out on me, this is pointless."

 

Releasing his breath, he watched as she kissed her way past his turgid erection, and scraped her teeth along the inside of his thigh.  He felt the tightening of his testes, and the thrum of his cock as her cheek innocently brushed against it.  She ran her nails down the soft flesh of his thighs as she kissed him there.  And then suddenly all thought was erased from his brain as her tongue licked a moist stripe from the base of him to the tip.  Lights erupted behind his eyes, and his hands clenched convulsively in her hair. She did not complain, but continued to trace the same path, now swirling her tongue around the tip.  And when her mouth came around him, swallowing him into her. 

 

The heat of her mouth was almost his undoing.  His head tossed back, his eyes clenched shut, he could do nothing but make low sounds.  He had no words for what she was doing to him.  This was completely uncharted territory, and although he felt a small thrill of fear, the ecstasy was worth the fall.  And suddenly her mouth was gone and she whispered his name. 

 

"Is it alright?" she whispered, her voice holding a slight tinge of fear.

 

"It’s amazing. Please don’t stop.  I have never felt so alive."

 

With a tentative smile, she took him into her again, opening her throat and humming against him.  She slid her mouth up and down his length, her pace going from languid to frantic. Until he stopped her.

 

Confused, she looked up at him, and was surprised when he gently rolled her beneath him.  He looked down at her, her skin flushed a rosy pink, her lips swollen from his kisses and her ministrations.  Need knifed through him, and he lowered his head to ravage her throat.

 

"My turn," he whispered hoarsely against her skin.  The vibrations sending shivers down her body.

 

"You don’t have to," she said, but arched up to meet him.

 

"I have wanted to taste you for a long time..  I want to know your body as you now know mine.  I want to put my mouth upon you and hear you moan with the same desire you have risen in me.  This may all be new to me, but I am a quick study."

 

He brought his mouth down on hers.  Settling his body over her, he let his cock lay at the juncture of her thighs.  She kissed him back with a passion he had not know she had.  Their tongues dance, and their lips were of one flesh.  Moving from her mouth to her throat, he traced paths on her shoulders and collarbone, with his lips and tongue, creating ancient patterns that even she would not know.  His hand slid up her curved body and cupped her breast, kneading it softly.  Following her lead, he brushed his thumb over the hardened bud of her nipple, eliciting an erotic sound from her throat as she arched up into his hand. He smiled, and moved from her collarbone to her breast, where he took the other nipple in his mouth.  As he sucked gently, he felt it tighten and pucker in his mouth, causing a bolt of desire to shoot through him.  She moaned, grabbing his shoulders, and grinding her pelvis into his. 

 

A strangled sound escaped him as she rubbed against his already engorged cock.  But he did not stop.  He lavished his attention on her breasts, nipping, and sucking, until she was writhing beneath him, only to move on down her abdomen to the juncture of her thighs.  Slowly, he parted her legs, placing one over his shoulder, and the other spread out to the side.  He studied her for a moment, the ecstasy on her face, the glow of her skin, and the way her body begged for release and writhed before him.  He wanted to give her what she had given him, but he was unsure.

 

"Where?"  He searched with his eyes for where to begin.

 

A smile broke on her face, as she lifted her head to see him.  She allowed her hand to glide down her flat abdomen, to the tangle of curls, slightly darker than her hair, at the apex of her thighs.  

 

"Start here."  She took her middle finger and ran it up the seam of her lips.  He swallowed loudly, as he watched.

 

"Then here."  Her two fingers spread her folds, revealing the glorious molten pink of her core. He watched as she took a finger and dipped it within. His mouth opened slightly, and his breathing became heavier.  She let out a gasp of surrender. 

 

"And here."  She took her two fingers again, and moved them up and around the tightened bud at the top.  Brushing her middle finger over it she shuddered, and he was almost ruined.  

 

She could feel her heart hammering against her ribs as she looked down at him between her legs.  The dark slashes of his brows, his intense eyes, the sharp cheekbones, and his full mouth.  A shiver went through her, almost to the point of orgasm.

 

"So here."  He said, reverently brushing his finger over the glistening folds at her center, causing her to cry out.

 

Want pooled low within him. Almost causing an aching pain between his legs. As his fingers caressed her outer folds, his mouth and tongue traced patterns on the inside of her thighs.  She was whimpering now with need, pressing herself into his hand. Gripping her legs, he lowered his mouth to her, and his tongue swirled just at her opening. She bucked hard, crying out with desperate want.  He smiled, and did it again, getting the same reaction. This time she lifted her head, and locked eyes with him.  

 

"Why do you tease?  I'm desperate to have you within me," she cried out.

 

Ben frowned, "Do you want me to stop?"

 

"Gods no!  I want your tongue inside of me."  She gave a strangled laugh at his naivety .

 

As a light dawned on him, he smiled evilly.  "How badly do you want that, Rey?"

 

She growled at him, "Do not play games with me."

 

Ben smiled, and held her eyes, as he lowered his mouth to her.

 

"Here now?" He whispered, parting her curls with his fingers , and flicking his tongue over the tight nub that thrummed with electricity. Her mouth opened, and a gasp was sucked in, but she did not take her eyes away. Slowly, watching her the whole time, he laved her folds, playfully, dipping his tongue within ever so slightly, and pulling it out quickly. Her whimpering turned to begging, as she watched him. The desire burning brightly in her eyes. Until he finally brought his mouth down over her, and delved his tongue deeply within her.  

 

The world around her shattered. A blinding white light took her vision, as she shuddered around him. She felt herself falling apart as he continued to rub the spot within her that caused the immense pleasure.  He could feel her clenching within, yet had no desire to stop.  Once he tasted her, there was nothing he wanted more. He worshiped at her shrine, not in the least repentant that he chose this as his religion now. She was his goddess and he would lay his life at her feet if she but asked.

 

As she spiraled down from her orgasm, she clutched his shoulders and dragged his mouth to hers.  Tasting herself on his lips, she devoured him, as she rolled him to his back, and straddled his waist.  When they finally came up for air, he held her face in his hands, and studied her.  

 

"I could worship you forever," his whispered.

 

"And I you."

 

They studied each other for a long time. Their hands making love to the others body while they remained enveloped in the sound of the silence. And then suddenly he pulled her to him, and cupping her face in his hands kissed her gently. Looking into her eyes, he whispered.

 

"Set me free."

 

"I plan to."

 

Lifting herself up slightly, Rey, gripped his biceps as she slowly lowered herself over him. As her heat enveloped the tip, his eyes rounded, and his mouth opened slightly, a sigh escaping.  She was so very tight. Rising and lowering herself again, she took more of him in, the pressure and gliding of her silken walls, was so intense he cried out, bucking slightly. She sucked in a breath as he pushed further into her, but the pain she had expected wasn't there. Supporting herself with her thighs over him, she didn't retreat this time. With her hands on his chest, ever so gently, she lowered herself. Her walls expanding to accommodate him. Her head dropped back with the exquisite agony of it.  

 

One last thrust, connected them completely. They both cried out as the sensation of their joining echoed through them. The light that enveloped both of them radiated out, casting the darkness of the deepening shadows away to huddle in fear. Very slowly, Rey began a gentle rhythm, sliding up, almost completely off of him, and down taking him deep again. The noises that came from him, drover her faster, heightening her desire. His hands danced over her skin, brushing against her sensitive breasts, causing her nerve endings to scream for release again.  

 

He was caught between temptation and torture.  The feeling of her slick heat, wrapped around his throbbing erection, was pure ecstasy, and yet, the darkest torture. He could feel her as she tightened the walls around him, causing him to throb within her.  And the faster she moved the closer he came to the edge. When she leaned over him, her breasts brushing against his chest, she began to rock her pelvis, taking him in in a slightly different way, and causing the friction to heighten.

 

And suddenly, he felt her power push against him. Felt her opening herself up to him. And he opened himself to her. Threading his power with hers. And he could feel what she was. Could experience exactly what she was at that moment. The edge they were both being pushed to. The abyss that waited for them. He gripped her hips and rocked into her. Her moan turned into a cry for him. She sat up again and quickened her rhythm. Leaning back, she gasped as he touched her in just the right spot inside. He felt her slick walls tighten around him as he rock into her again, pushing her further. 

 

“Don’t stop, please don’t stop,” she sobbed as she arched back more.

 

He moved faster, driving them closer, until she screamed, and her power crashed into his, flaring out from them in a corona of light and as he came into her, she came around him. They rode the wave together, bucking and sliding against each other until, they were spent. 

 

She collapsed onto him, her chest heaving and sobs wracking her body. He crushed her to him, and held her while she cried. Silent tears streaming from the corner of his eyes into his hair. He had never experienced anything like that before. The pure power of it. The intense connection they had. She was his, and he was irrevocably hers. 

 

He held her, brushing his fingertips up and down her spine, as he whispered soft words into her ear. Tucking her to him, he rolled, and held her next to him. Looking down at her face, he brushed the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. He lowered his head and kissed her gently, trailing his kisses across her cheek to her temple. 

 

“I didn’t know--” he could barely form a thought.

 

“Know what?” she asked, brushing her lips across his chest. 

 

“That it would be like that.”

 

She smiled against his skin. “Neither did I.”

 

“I’ve never experienced anything like that before,” he whispered against her hair.

 

She shook her head, “Me either.”

 

She was shaken to her soul. Never did she expect them to come together in such a way. She had felt their power release when they climaxed. She had seen the blinding light through her closed eyelids explode from them shaking not only them but the ground beneath. She had very little knowledge of what the Force was capable of, but if they could accomplish that by merely climaxing then what could they do together if they actually tried. 

 

Too tired to care, and suddenly extremely sleepy, she snuggled into the warm body of the man who had awoken such a passion in her. Of the man who once battled her for dominance and now held her so delicately in the cocoon of his body as if she would break. She wasn’t sure where they would go from here, but she knew it couldn’t be anywhere without the other.  With a soft sigh, she laid her head against his chest, and listened as his lips feathered kissed against the top of her head, until the sound of his heart beat became her silence.


	18. You've Never Faced This Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY!!! I know it's been so long since I posted the last chapters. Please forgive me. Life, work, and family have taken over and kept me busy and stressed lately. But here you go. A new chapter, and some more sexy times for our two space idiots (as one of you so fondly called them) ;). HUGE hugs to my motivation/researcher/editor/advisor/the one who talks me off the ledge, and out from under the bed, @KatiesMomma. Without her I would not have gotten this chapter done.
> 
> And I have to give props to my other BFF, who sits though me reading and re-reading each chapter to him. Listens to me speak of these characters as if they were real. Patiently, takes a back seat, to this story so I can get a chapter done for you all. He is partially my inspiration, and partially my guienea pig. But he is always telling me to do what I love. 
> 
> So, here you go. I hope you enjoy. Cause this is my blood, sweat, tears, and utterly foul mouth, that brought you this installment of "As the Galaxy Turns". ;p 
> 
> And as always KUDOS + COMMENTS = LIFE & LOVE!!! 
> 
> KISS, KISS XOXO

:Chapter Eighteen:

 

When she opened her eyes, the suns had set and the sky was glittering with stars. She moved slightly, and remembered where she was as his arms came up around her, tracing patterns on her bare back. She rubbed her cheek against his bare chest, not in the least embarrassed she was completely naked lying on top of him. She moaned in her throat, and turned her head to look up at him. His intense eyes studied her from beneath his dark brows.

 

“You make little noises when you sleep.”

 

She smiled up at him, narrowing her eyes. “You make little noises when I kiss your throat.”

 

His eyes narrowed at her comment, and then he pulled her beneath him. “And you, love, purr like a kitten, when I touch you here.”

 

He slid his hand between her thighs and he brought his mouth down on hers. She arched up into him, meeting his kiss, and spreading her thighs slightly to give him better access to her wet heat. The purring sound he spoke of was pulled from her throat as he slid his finger into her. 

 

She whispered his name against his throat, as she nibbled along it. She smiled against it momentarily, as he moaned softly. 

 

“Touche,” his voice brushed against her naked throat.

 

He moved his finger deep inside her, rubbing against her walls, and she clenched around him, making lovely moaning noises, that had him instantly hard. Feeling a little less trepidation now, he rubbed her again.

 

“Do you like that?” he whispered against the skin of her chest.

 

“Mmmm,” she hummed, her head thrown back.

 

He began to move his fingers faster, rubbing over the same spot. Her thighs trembled, and she grabbed his broad shoulders.

 

“How about that?” there was a darkness in his voice now.

 

She opened her eyes, and looked at him. She could feel his power melding with hers, the way their bodies came together. But instead of them joining, combining, they seemed to swirl together, creating something new. Something that they were a part of but was neither one of them completely.

 

“And that,” she purred.

 

“Gods, you make me hard just looking at you. You’re so wet.”

 

“You do that to me, simply by looking at me,” she answered honestly. 

 

Groaning loudly, he withdrew his finger and slid his throbbing cock into her heat and groaned at the tight sheath. She cried out, and sighed as he sank into her. 

 

“Did I hurt you?” he whispered urgently.

 

She shook her head, and dug her nails into his back, wrapping her long legs around his hips. “Gods no. You feel amazing.”

 

He smiled down at her as he kissed her again, sliding almost out of her and then back in. She arched again, tilting her hips to take him in deeper. It was his turn to moan. She smothered it with her mouth, as she kissed him deeply. Breaking the kiss, he took a breath and then kissed his way from her cheek to her ear.

 

“I am going to make you scream out your pleasure.” His breath warmed her ear and throat.

 

“Is that a threat?” she panted against his hair.

 

“Oh no, love. That’s a promise,” his deep voice like velvet against her skin, as he sank deep into her again. 

 

This time he opened his power up to her, enveloped her with it, showed her what he wanted to do to her body. He let her taste his darkest desires. And she reveled in it. Allowing her own darkness to rise. Showing him what she had dreamed.  With their power pulsing through them, Ben drove into her, pushing her closer to the precipice. Hands, lips, tongues, all moving them both closer to the obsidian. And when he thrust into her, she rose to meet him. They shattered together, crying their pleasure to the stars. Clinging to one another, they spiraled down from the heights they climbed, and lay panting and boneless, wrapped in one another.

 

“That was--” Ben tried to catch his breath.

 

“Like falling through the sky.”

 

Rey lay on her back, arms flung out to her sides, and panted shallowly. He watched her, fascinated that this woman was his. Reaching out he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, before running his knuckle across her flushed cheek. She turned, her eyes studying him, as she reached for his hand. Threading her fingers through his, she lifted it to her lips and placed a soft kiss on the back. 

 

“You have ruined me,” he spoke softly.

 

She frowned. “How so?”

 

“You have consumed me. There will never be anyone else.” He rolled to her and brought their joined hands to his lips, kissing her fingers one by one.

 

Rey smiled softly, at his words and rolled closer to him.

 

“I suppose that the Supreme Leader, can have any woman in the galaxy he wants,” she said lightly.

 

He glanced down at her, brushing his finger across the bridge of her nose. 

 

“I suppose he could,” he played along with her.

 

“I wonder what type of woman he would choose?” This time there was a sadness to her voice.

 

He pulled her closer to him, missing the feel of her body next to his. Resting his lips against the top of her head. 

 

“I imagine she would have to be extraordinary. After all, being the Supreme Leader he would be required to find someone equal to him.”

 

“Yes,” she mused softly. “I suppose he would.”

 

“And quite beautiful. The Supreme Leader would only want to look upon the most beautiful woman day after day.”

 

She hummed her agreement, unable to speak around the lump in her throat. It was choking her. Her heart squeezing too tightly in her chest.

 

“She would have to be terribly smart. The Supreme Leader would abhor a woman not as bright as him.”

 

She remained silent, tears pricking the back of her eyes. She had been foolish to pursue this line of thinking. But she knew what they had here would never leave the island. How could it? She was a nobody, a scavenger; uneducated, and uncouth. 

 

“It’s lucky then that he has an entire universe to choose from,” he continued, placing a kiss on her hair.

 

“And even luckier, that I’ve already found her,” he whispered almost silently.

 

Her sob rose, as he claimed her mouth. 

 

“You are cruel to think I would choose anyone else. You are mine, Rey. And I do not share my toys.” he kissed her heatedly again. 

 

She allowed him to take her lips, but pushed him away quickly. “Is that all I am to you? Your toy?”

 

“It was just an expression. All I mean is that I will not give up what I want. What I need.”

 

The knot in her throat lessening, as his lips took hers. “And what do you want, Ben Solo? What do you need?”

 

“You.” He rolled on top of her, kissing along the line of her throat. “Only you.”

 

“Mine,” he whispered after every kiss he placed on her body. 

 

She sighed and arched into his lips, savoring each kiss he placed upon her, growing wet with need once again. She didn’t know what this was between them, but she knew she didn’t want it to end. To be connected to him so intimately through their minds and bodies, was the most overwhelming and life shattering thing she had ever experienced. 

 

“Come,” he whispered.

 

Pushing himself up with his arms, he knelt, lifting her in his arms, and standing. 

 

“Ben,” she lifted her face to his. 

 

“I am going to make love to you until neither one of us can stand anymore,” he murmured against her lips.

 

She smiled as she kissed him back. “That sounds like a challenge.”

 

“It most certainly is.” He smiled back.

 

He had a beautiful smile. Something she had never seen from him before. Something she wanted to see more of.

 

She placed her hand on his sculpted cheek. “I accept.”

 

He carried her down to the huts, and lay her on the stone slab she used as a bed. Lying down next to her, he pulled her on top of him, and grabbed her hips, guiding her as she slid down, around his throbbing cock. He arched, his head thrown back, as he gasped at the sensation. With the fire  burning in the hearth next to them, she rode him until their cries were heard across the island, and they were shaken to their souls.

 

.

 

She awoke to the heat of him at her back. Shifting she watched him as he quickly flipped through pages of the book he was studying. His elegant fingers turning the pages, faster than she imagined he could read them. His full lips were pressed together as if in disapproval of whatever the page said. She wanted to reach up and wipe the frown from his brow with the tips of her fingers. But she remained still, simply studying him. His dark eyes fascinated her. How they could be so intense and yet, she could see exactly what he was thinking in them. Her fingers itched to brush along the line of his jaw, now rough from days without shaving. 

 

“I won’t object if you touch me.” He didn’t look at her as he spoke.

 

She frowned, and tucked her hands around her body. He finally pulled his eyes away from the pages, and glanced at her, looking confused. 

 

“I can feel you. I know what you’re thinking. You’re broadcasting your thoughts loudly.”

 

“But that ruins the fun,” she pouted, prettily.

 

Sliding the book to the side, he rolled to her, and spread his hand over her hip.

 

“Ruins the fun?”

 

“If you know what I’m thinking before I act on the thought, then it ruins the fun.”

 

Ben leaned over her, sliding his hand from her hip around to her firm ass. He pushed gently into her mind, projecting all of the things he wanted to do to her. He leaned in closer, sliding his hand down beneath her thigh, lifting her leg to his hip. She sighed, arching up into his body, her mouth opening to meet his.

 

He broke the kiss, brushing his lips against her cheek to her hairline. “Did that ruin the fun?” his words were heated against her temple. 

 

She smiled as she turned her face to his. Humming she answered, “Not at all.”

 

“You see,” he kissed her lips smugly. 

 

She purred her agreement in the back of her throat as she kissed him back. Still sated from their earlier lovemaking, she sighed and laid back, running her hands down his bare chest. Her finger circled his puckered nipple. His body fascinated her. The softness of his skin over the marble hardness of his muscle. She knew her body, the sinew of her long muscles, the way the skin stretched over it when she moved. She knew every nuance of herself. How to find pleasure in the darkness of the night. How her power felt as it pulsed through her body. Even how it felt humming quietly in her at times like this.

 

But she did not know his body. All the contrasting intricacies of him. All the shadows he showed her and the light he kept hidden. All the anger he tapped into and the emotions he buried down deep.  She didn’t just want to know his body though. She wanted his mind, and his heart, too.

 

The thought stopped her hands. No. She couldn’t want that. She couldn’t want him. Their paths were too different. Too far apart to remain intertwined for very long. And yet, she did want him. She wanted every part of him.

 

Laying her palms flat on his abdomen, she pulled her mind back to the present. “What were you reading?”

 

Placing one of his hands over hers, he reached the for the forgotten book. “Some of my uncle’s findings.”

 

He held up the book she had been reading the day before. He could feel her draw back slightly. 

 

“You were reading this yesterday.”

 

She pulled herself up to sitting, covering her naked breasts with one of the blankets that covered them.

 

“I was curious.” There was a hint of guilt in her voice.

 

“Of course you were. And there is a lure to the things we are told are wrong. But I am not my uncle, Rey. I expect you to read all of these books, and to ask questions. Hard questions. Questions that may not have ready answers.”

 

She nodded, nibbling on the corner of her bottom lip. 

 

“Come.” 

 

He pushed himself off the bed, and searched for his pants. 

 

“Where are we going?”

 

She rose, the blanket still clutched to her chest, and realized where their clothes were. She blushed when she thought about the night before, as a warmth settled low in her belly.

 

“Where the kriff are my clothes?” he stomped around growling.

 

She wanted to laugh but thought better of it and waited for it to dawn on him. When it did, his eyes found her face, and a smile lifted the corner of his mouth. 

 

He drew a blanket around his waist. “I’m going to get our clothes. Stay here. I’ll come back for you.” 

 

The words echoed in her head as he kissed her lips, and left the hut. Her eyes followed him, as a memory, a dream, a nightmare, replayed in her head.

 

_ From the front of her, not far away, came the sounds of battle: the cries of the wounded and the clashing of weapons. Then behind her, another voice. _

 

That  _ voice. _

 

_ “Stay here. I’ll come back for you.” _

 

_ She whirled, glazed eyes desperately scanning the dark gaps between the slender trees, trying to penetrate the darkness _

 

She spun again and found herself surrounded by the stone walls of the hut. Disoriented, she stumbled to the door and fled out into the sunlight of the late morning. Her eyes weren’t focused, her breath coming out in gasps. Those memories, those nightmares, from Maz’s castle, had slipped to the back of her mind, in the panic and chaos of what had come after.

 

As the other memories ran through her head, she realized that almost all of them had come to pass. Almost all of them had been revealed, and explained. But this, this was one that had not. And as she stood there, in the bright sunlight, she realized that she still had not come through the darkness.

 


	19. In A Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this has been a long time coming, and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry!!! Our star-crossed lovers have not been behaving and I have had major writers block. Namely, where do I go after that epic sex scene. Then I came down with the flu, then a major sinus infection, and then a stomach virus, so I was under quarantine for over a week. Now, that being said, I have written this chapter over three times, and I'm still not entirely happy, but... it get's me where I need to go for the rest of the story to unfold. 
> 
> Now, I'm hoping you bear with me as we move into Act II of our story and characters, events, and their insecurities start to inturrupt our space lovers. So ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts, and place your tray tables in their original upright position, we are about to hit some major turbulance!
> 
> I hope your enjoy and remember... COMMENTS + KUDOS = LIFE XOXO

:Chapter Nineteen:

 

He found her fully dressed, sitting outside the hut. As he approached he saw the way she worried her bottom lip with her teeth, and the crease of a frown between her brows. He could sense something had changed, but he could not determine what it was. Brushing the back of his fingers against her cheek as he reached her, she leaned into the caress. Looking up at him, the worry seemed to disappear as she smiled.

 

“Where are we headed today?” She stood brushing her cheek where he had touched her.

 

“I have been lazy long enough. I need to train and I had hoped you might train with me,” he said hesitantly.

 

Again he found her worrying her bottom lip, but she simply nodded, and headed back into the hut. She returned with her quarterstaff and a sack slung over her back, and gestured for him to walk with her. They walked up the stairs, side by side in silence. Each was far away from the other. Deep in thought on things that were beyond their knowledge and their control.

 

When they reached the open field of the Saddle, he stripped himself of his cowl and robe, leaving a tight fitting sleeveless tunic and his black pants. She removed her satchel and the warm cowl she had thrown on, placing them off to the side. Rey noticed he carried his uncles staff, but his lightsaber hung from his hip. She glanced at it longingly, but quickly turned away.

 

“Did my uncle teach you your Forms?” he asked, removing his saber and placing it with his cowl and robes.

 

She gave a short chuckle. “Your uncle was more interested in teaching me why the Jedi Order had to end.”   
  


“Strangely, we agree on that.”

 

Rey stood there, her arms crossed over her chest, her quarterstaff slung over her shoulder, her brow raised in question.

 

“You still don’t believe him?” he asked, lifting his wooden staff with both hands.

 

“I just don’t see how an Order that brought hope to an entire galaxy should be destroyed and forgotten.”

 

“I don’t imagine you would.” 

 

It was said gently but he saw her immediately stiffen.

 

He took a step towards her. “That’s not how I meant--”

 

“Then what did you mean?” she cut him off.

 

“I simply meant, that politics are difficult to understand and something that many try to ignore.”

 

“Am I not intelligent enough to understand?”   
  
“Gods, Rey, you are so stubborn. I was raised with in the political spectrum of the New Republic. My mother was a Senator. I was at the very core of it all. You were raised on a desert planet, with only the education you could claimed for yourself. I just meant that  you  _ wouldn’t _ be able to see all of the nuances that are in play when it comes to politics. Not that you  _ couldn’t _ if it was explained to you.”

 

‘Then explain it to me,” she pushed.

 

“First Forms. Then politics.” He refused.

 

Slightly mollified, she nodded and watched him stride over to her side. Turning so his body was facing the same way as hers, he held his staff before him. Gripping it with both hands, he waited for her to mirror him. Unwinding the strap of her quarterstaff from her shoulder, she held it before her, setting her feet in the same stance he did.

 

“There are seven forms of lightsaber combat. We are going to start with Form I which you would have learned as an Initiate, when you were about three or four years old,” he spoke, sounding like he was quoting a textbook. 

 

Frowning, he turned to her. “How old are you?”

 

Her cheeks flushed at his blunt question. She honestly had no idea how old she was. “It’s not something you think about when you are a slave. But 19 as best I can calculate.”

 

He stared at her for a bit longer, and then nodded looking away. But he was not quick enough for her to miss the pity that was in his eyes. She straightened her back and looked away from him.

 

“These are simple movement’s that I’m sure you will pick up in no time. We will go through the Forms until we find one that is either too difficult for you or you find fit’s your fighting style best. In each Form there are velocities, or a quick sequence of moves to execute. You first learn them alone and then use them against an opponent. Once you can best an opponent with them, you move on to the next. Watch carefully.”

 

He lifted his staff high over his right shoulder, stepping forward with his right foot. Stepping with his left next, he swung his elbows to the left, bringing down the saber closer to his right shoulder. Stepping forward once more with his right foot, he swung the saber out in front of him, aiming for a mark at the head. Bending forward with his right foot still front, he arced the saber out and came in for a mark at knee height. Shifting his left foot forward, he knelt, bringing the saber back over his head in a defensive move, and then leaned forward bringing it down in a finishing stroke.

 

Turning he finally looked at Rey. Her gaze was intent, and her lips were pressed together in concentration.

 

“Should I go over them again?” he asked standing.

 

“I think I my uneducated brain can remember six steps,” she snarled.

 

Ben sighed, knowing once again he had said the wrong thing, and watched as she spun through the simplistic moves he had given her. Watching her reminded him of his childhood, back when his mother would host lavish parties and he would sneak down from his room to watch the guests dance after the meal was served. Rey had a grace and elegance to her movements that captured his attention. Her slender body arching and bending as her quarterstaff spun in her hands.

 

Her cough brought him back to the present. Blinking he nodded down at her. 

 

“That was nearly perfect.”

 

“Nearly?!” she stood swiftly.

 

“I wouldn’t want you to think you’re my favorite student on your first try.”

 

She glanced up at him askance and saw the smile that pulled at the corner of his mouth. She turned quickly but not fast enough for him to miss the smile that pulled at her own lips. 

 

Tucking his chin and trying to keep the smile from his lips, he continued. “Form II is more of a classical form. I never found it very useful in combat, but of course my uncle felt the need to teach it to us.”

 

Rey watched again as he demonstrated the velocities of Form II and then went over them herself. Again and again, Ben demonstrated and she followed, as they moved through the seven lightsaber Forms. Each got progressively more difficult and added to the velocities of the Forms that came before it, but she felt confident and only stumbled a few times. She asked questions, and he answered honestly. He became her opponent and neither gave quarter. Buy the time they were finished both were sweating and exhausted from an entire morning and early afternoon of pushing themselves to best the other. 

 

Sitting in the clearing sharing a water canteen, Rey turned her face up to the heat of the afternoon suns. Ben watched as the light gilded her cheeks and caught the gold in her hair. Her skin was dewey from sweat and her smile was genuine, if tired.

 

“You know, if you hadn’t had your heart set on Supreme Leader, you would have made a very good Jedi Master,” she chuckled, still panting slightly.

 

He looked at her out of the corner of his eyes, and then closed them, turning his face back up to the suns. “I’ll have to keep that in mind for when you bring the Jedi Order back.”

 

“You really don’t believe they did any good?”

 

“It’s not a question of good or bad. It’s a question of does it purpose meet the needs of the citizens.”

 

Rey cocked her head and pondered him for a moment. “Explain,” she ordered him. 

 

Opening one eye, he peeked at her and his shoulders sagged. He had truly thought he would escape the political conversation. Sitting up, he leaned against a boulder near where they sat and focused on her.

 

“The Jedi Order was thousands of years old by the time the Old Republic began to use them as peacekeepers. Their law and doctrine had been set in place for ages and the Senate was willing to concede to what tactics they were willing to take, in the name of the Galactic Senate. They would enter into negotiations and small skirmishes, but they were not a Galactic Army.”

 

Rey nodded, crawling over to him and laying her head in his lap. He was surprised at first, but when she closed her eyes and settled in, he let his hand drop to her hairline and gently brushed his fingers against the silken strands there. The feeling relaxed him and as he felt his body lighten he continued on with what he could remember.

 

“Now while the Jedi touted themselves as peacekeepers, they also had become elitist and were not in touch with what the citizens needed or wanted. People were afraid of them. They likened them to fanatics and cultists, and shied away from a religion that was so closed off from their own lives. 

 

“The Jedi were unwilling to see any other view aside from their own. And because of that hubris, they failed to see the rise of the Sith from within their own exalted ranks. It was their greatest triumph and their greatest downfall. They were blind to everything but their own beliefs and because of that they fell to hypocrisy.”

 

She opened her eyes and frowned up at him. “You sound like your uncle.”

 

His eyes smiled down at her, as he tweaked her nose. “Perhaps we had more in common than I wanted to believe.”

 

“So what you're saying is the people needed something tangible. Something they could count on in their daily life and because of their belief system and laws the Jedi had become antiquated and out of touch with the citizens,” she asked, trying to absorb everything he was telling her.

 

“Think about growing up on Jakku. The Jedi were a myth to you. They were a story told to children, not something people thought of as real or even useful. On Jakku you eked out a living by the skin of your teeth. Only the strong survived. And sometimes in order to be strong you needed to step on the weaker. Survival of the fittest.

 

“But the Jedi don’t adhere to that standard of living. They would rather do nothing then use their power to hurt another. They were not relevant to so many species of the galaxy and they were unwilling to change their laws to move into a new age.

 

“Many times their hands off policy led to situations that pushed forward the downfall of the Republic.”

 

Angry she sat up and turned to face him. “But why? If they had the power, why wouldn’t they act to help? Why would they let the people they had sworn to protect become oppressed and enslaved? Why wouldn't’ they take the steps to avoid war and violence?”

 

He sat, facing her, studying her. She was breathtaking, everything good and pure in his world. She burned so brightly that all else dulled in comparison. Reaching out along their bond, he ached to feel her, and there she was. Part of the Force. Pushing at him, buffeting him internally. Teasing him, seducing him. But she was so much more. The Force alone was nothing compared to her. 

 

Moving closer to her, he placed his hand on her breast bone. Closing his eyes, he opened himself up to her light. It flooded through him. Shattering his darkness, piercing the obsidian walls he had erected. Her light filled him, and he refused to hide from it. He let it weed out the hurt and anger. He let it burn away the hate and vengeance that had fed his fury for so long.

 

Slowly he removed his hand, and felt the darkness begin to slide it’s way back in. 

 

“How do you do that?” he glanced at his hand.

 

“Do what?” she frowned in confusion.

 

“Burn so brightly.”

 

“I don’t know. Ever since the Force was awakened inside of me, it has burned like this. It was frightening at first. When you invaded my mind, you opened doors I didn’t know were there. And revealed so many more for me to open. But I still was unable to understand it. Unable to control it.

 

“It wasn’t until I was fighting with you in Snoke’s throne room that I realized it.”

 

“Realized what?” he asked curiously.

 

“That the Force will not be controlled. Perhaps for awhile it will allow someone to believe they are in control, but eventually it will break free and find it’s true course.”

 

He was silent at her revelation. 

 

“You believe that?”

 

“When I was fighting, I was trying to control the Force, and I was tiring, and my strength failing. But when I let the Force move through me, when I allowed it to move me, I was was able to do things I never would have been able to do otherwise. And that was when I realized it. 

 

“If the Force is a manifestation of all living things, if it connects everything in a web of energy, then why would I just pluck at one string trying to control it? If I let the energy flow through me, then I would be the web, I would encompass everything.”

 

He was stunned to silence. He had never thought of the Force that way before. Had never been taught to think that way about it. And here he was, thinking he would be instructing Rey, and he found himself instructed by her.

 

“I’ve never thought about it that way. The Force was always something to be controlled. Something to bend to my will, for good or for ill. No one has ever spoke about it the way you just did. My uncle must have become a better teacher as he aged.”

 

She shook her head slowly. The last thing she wanted to do was defame Luke Skywalker, but he had taught her nothing about the Force or how to be a Jedi. Everything she had learned had been from trial and error. From stumbling blindly through the darkness until she found her balance. Her center within the Force.

 

“Why was Luke afraid of the darkness?” she finally voiced a question that had been plaguing her for a while.

 

Ben glanced down at the canteen he held in his hands, and stood. “He was afraid of what he didn’t know. He was taught to be afraid of what resided in the dark.”

 

“And what resides in the dark?” She sat before him, always challenging him.

 

“Power,” was his answer.

 

“There is power in the light too.”

 

It was his turn to shake his head, his dark hair falling around his face. She was so naive. So innocent of the world around her. Because of how powerful she was, it was easy for him to forget that she had grown up on the backwater planet of Jakku. Learning only what she could get her hands on. And that was little at best.

 

“Not like in the darkness. Inside the darkness you can tap into your anger, your hurt, your fears. You can draw on that energy and it surges through you. It is like a supernova, unleashing the pure energy of the Force.”

 

“All I have ever found in the darkness was loneliness. And even when it feeds your energy, it takes more than it gives. But the light takes nothing.”

 

“That is not true,” he argued vehemently. 

 

“Why are you so afraid of the light?” She challenged him again.

“I’m not.”

 

Studying him, she was silent for a long moment. And then, as if she had come to a conclusion, she nodded. 

 

“You are. You are afraid of something within the light, and that is why you run from it.”

 

“You know nothing,” he growled at her, standing and storming across the clearing from her.

 

Contemplating him as he stormed away, she found his weakness reassuring. He was not as infallible as he wanted her to believe. He ran when he was frightened. Like a child who was afraid of thunderstorms, seeking comfort and finding nothing. She knew about needing comfort and finding none. She knew about feeling abandoned and praying for just one person to reach out a hand and show you the way. She knew about wanting to run from her fears and doubts when there was no one to help explain them away. And perhaps he did too. If his parents were at odds more often than not, it couldn’t have been easy for him. If neither of them had been there for the frightened boy he had been, then she could see why he ran.

 

But she had learned, even without parents to help her, that running wasn’t the way. She had learned that only when she stood and faced them, that her demons stopped chasing her. And it was time that he learned that too.

 

Standing she followed him across the clearing. Coming close behind him, she yearned to place her hand on his back but kept it fisted at her side.

 

“It’s okay to be frightened. It’s okay to feel vulnerable.”

 

He whirled on her, his anger palpable, making her take a step back. 

 

“No. It is not. It is weak and foolish.”

 

She cocked her head to the side. “Can I tell you a story?”

 

He blinked at her, put off balance by her change of the subject. She didn’t wait for his assent. 

 

“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away… there lived a young slave girl. She was alone in the world. Her parents had abandoned her when she was only a child, with a promise to return, but they never did. She lived under the yolk of the slaver who owned her, doing as she was told and planning for the day when she would be able to pay off the price he put on her head for her freedom. She was a strong girl. A fighter and fearless, she refused to be cowed into submission by anyone.

 

“Is this a long story?” he grumbled down at her, annoyed that she had the power to pull him from his anger.

 

“Shush,” she admonished. “Go sit.”

 

She smiled to herself as he frowned at her, but did as she asked.

 

“After many years, she was able to pay off her freedom. It was a liberating feeling, being able to come and go as she pleased. Having a place of her own. She had never imagined that the place she now called home would become a place she feared more than any other.”

 

“What could she possibly be afraid of in her own home?” he grumbled again but his eyes were trained on her.

 

“You are very impatient,” she admonished him with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

 

“Very,” he reached for her hand, agreeing. “Now come over here and tell me the rest of this story.”

 

She smiled at him, taking his hand and allowing him to pull her down next to him. “It’s actually a sad story.”

 

“How so?”

 

“Well, the slave girl was no longer a slave, but she was still indebted to her former slaver. And although there were ways she could have made the credits to escape the planet and her life, she refused to sink to such lows.”

 

“Lows? What kind of lows?” he pried, curious as to where she was going with this story.

 

Rey’s cheeks pinkened as she chewed on her lower lip. “She could have sold her body.”

 

He growled at the thought, pulling her closer to him. “Was it ever that bad?”

 

“It was all I had that was mine. No matter how hard the days were, or how hungry I became, it was the one thing I could keep for myself,” she whispered softly.

 

“You should have never had to even think of that,” he kissed her temple.

 

She leaned into him, seeking the comfort that never came back then.

 

“The slave girl was never afraid. Until one night, she was attacked in her home. The man had come to take what she was not willing to give. He wanted to punish her, to make her afraid. He hated that she was strong, and defiant, and wanted to bring her to her knees before him. But she would not let him. She fought him off, but her victory was hard one. From that night on, she was afraid. She never felt safe again.”

 

He was silent for a moment as he digested the story. 

 

“And then what happened?”

 

She blinked at him. “What do you mean?”

 

“How did she stop being afraid?”

 

“She never did.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

She turned and looked him in the eyes. “Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the ability to overcome it. Yes, I am afraid. I still see him over me. I can still smell the sweat and stink of him. I still hear my clothes tearing, his heavy panting. I can feel his hands on my body, and his mouth on me.”

 

“When you were with me?” he barely whispered.

 

She shook her head. “At first, yes, I was afraid. I was afraid that it would come between us. That I would be with you and all the awful memories would come rushing in. But I wanted you so badly that I was willing to face that fear. And then…”

 

He brushed a strand of hair, caught in her dusky lashes, to behind her ear. His fingers lingered at the pulse point just beneath it. 

 

“It is different with you. You consume me. When I’m with you there is no one else. Nothing else. It’s you, and me, and this power that connects us. To each other and to everything around us. When I’m with you there is no fear. But not because I am no longer afraid. It’s because I have stepped through it and beyond it. You help me do that.

 

“The fear, it will always be there. Lurking in the shadows of my mind.”

 

“And how does my darkness obliterate your shadows?”

 

“It’s not your darkness that does it, but your light. Even that small amount that you cannot hide, is enough to destroy my shadows.”

 

“I do not hide my light. There isn’t any.”

 

She scoffed. “And you think it is I who knows nothing. Why do you think it is your destiny to become the next Vader?”

 

“Do you not know?” His voice was almost mocking.

 

But her frown was genuine and her confusion the same.

 

“Could you be the only one in the galaxy who does not know?”

 

Annoyed, she snapped at him. “Then perhaps you might want to enlighten me.”

 

“Darth Vader was a Sith Lord, trained by Darth Sidious, who was Emperor Palpatine. But before he became Darth Vader, he was a Jedi.” Ben began the agonizing story he had be told not that many years ago.

 

“That Jedi’s name was Anakin Skywalker, my grandfather.”

 

Her mouth formed a small O of surprise. Blinking up at him, she searched for something to say.

 

“Darth Vader was my grandfather. I am his legacy.”

 

“No… your mother and uncle were his legacy. And neither of them followed in his path.” She paused. “Besides, Darth Vader wasn’t your grandfather. And he wasn’t their father. Anakin Skywalker was,” she argued.

 

“Semantics,” he brushed her argument aside.

 

“Don’t treat me like that.”

 

“Like what?” Some of his anger subsided.

 

“Like I’m a stupid child. I may not have grown up with the education you did, but I am not stupid.”

 

“I never meant…”

 

“No, you don’t… yet you always do. I need you to understand my point.”

 

“And what is that?”

 

“You think you are like him. You think that history is meant to repeat itself with you. But you are nothing like Anakin Skywalker.”   
  


“How can you say that? How can you even think that? You don’t even know who he was,” he argued immediately. 

 

“Just because I didn’t know Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader, doesn’t mean I don’t know who he was. Your mother spoke to me of her parents. The ones known to her, Bail and Breha Organa and her birth parents, Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala. She must have known I was ignorant of who her birth parents really were, and it was a burden lifted from her shoulders that she could speak of them to someone who didn’t judge.

 

“She spoke of her mother, Padme, but mostly of her father. Of his struggle for most of his life in keeping with the teachings of the Jedi. He obviously failed horribly since he has offspring, but that isn’t what she focused on. And that is how I know that you are nothing like him. 

 

“Because for all of his life Anakin had to fight to stay in the light. He was drawn to the dark side. It called to him, because he was meant for it. He struggled to follow the laws and teachings of the Jedi Order. He fought against his constant descent into the darkness, that started with the murder of a caravan of Tusken Raiders, and culminated with the destruction of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant and the murder of all of the younglings there.  It was a miracle he was able to remain in the light for as long as he did. His whole life was a struggle to stay in the light. But that is not your struggle, Ben.

 

“You struggle to remain in the darkness. The light calls to you. It pulls at you. Because you are meant to be in the light. But you fight it. You deny who you are because you are afraid. It is easy to fall back on your bloodline. It is easy for you to say ‘I am a monster because Vader is my grandfather’. But you use your lineage, your tumultuous childhood, your loneliness and abandonment as a crutch. They are an excuse, Ben. And it’s time to stop making excuses.”

 

His hand dropped from her and she could see him slamming up his mental shields, pushing her out of his head. And this time she let him. He needed to absorb everything she had just thrown at him, and time to understand what she was truly saying.

 

Standing, she stepped away from him, moving to sling her staff across her back.  When she did she turned around. He was bathed in the setting suns, shining across the island. The top of his dark head golden, as if a crown glowed upon it. 

 

“You told me once to ‘Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It’s the only way to become what you are meant to be’. Perhaps you should listen to yourself, Ben. I don’t want you to change. I only want you to become what you are meant to be. And I know, in my heart, you were meant to be more than Darth Vader’s shadow.”

 

He watched her turn and leave the clearing. Her parting words were caught on the winds but he heard them anyway.

 

“I will be here when you are ready.”

 

And then she was gone. He sat alone in the clearing, on an island so sacred to the Jedi Order that he was surprised it hadn’t crashed into the sea when he had stepped one foot on it. He was a blasphemy there. Once a Jedi padawan, and now Master of the Knights of Ren. He shouldn’t belong there. Didn’t belong there if he was honest with himself. But he belonged with her, and she was here.  He needed to reconcile her vision of him with his reality. Could there be a balance or was he just fooling them both?


	20. In A Daydream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this totally wasn't supposed to happen. I had plans. I had an outline. I even refused to write for a day. But our two space lovers decided to hijack the chapter and go in their own directions which totally meant SMUT! And how can I refuse them anything. ;) You have been forwarned. And actually it's very steamy if I do say so myself. (O.O)
> 
> That being said, I am going to try and go with this weekly posting thing. Writers block is gone, and I have ton's of fodder to move me along for quite a number of chapters now. I'm actually excited about where I'm going next with the story. 
> 
> So I've been listening to a number of songs while I've been writing this and I thought you might like to check them out. So the song list will follow in the notes at the end of the chapter. And if you think of a song that might work please feel free to let me know! I love finding new music. 
> 
> But I'm not going to hold you up any longer. So, please enjoy this installment of angst and smut, and remember.
> 
> COMMENTS + KUDOS = LOVE
> 
> KISS, KISS XOXO

:Chapter Twenty:

 

He stood and collected his saber, cowl and robe, and noticed her cowl and satchel. Upon lifting the bag, he heard the rattle of two pieces of metal bumping against each other. Sliding his hand inside he withdrew the two pieces of his grandfather’s lightsaber. He was shaken, staring at it. He knew she had taken it, but had not dreamed he would see it again. 

 

Once again, holding it in his hands, he waited. For what, he wasn’t sure. For assurance, for guidance, for peace? And yet, standing there, he knew nothing was going to happen. It hadn’t happened the day he pulled it from the traitors hands. I hadn’t happened, the day he had killed his father. The saber was silent for him. It was her’s. I had called to her, and had claimed her. It would never be his. 

 

And somehow, the one thing he thought would tear him apart, had him finding a kind of peace. It was her’s, and he was okay with that. Something in him shifted at the idea and found a balance he hadn’t thought he would ever come to. And as it settled, he found that pinprick of light within him brighten. With a sigh, he replaced the pieces in the satchel, and slung it over his shoulder as he made his way back to the huts.

 

.

 

She felt a weight upon her shoulders. His words echoed in her head. His lineage, his revelation about the Jedi Order, and his failure to see himself as she did, had bothered her more than she cared to admit. She had known that his grandfather’s life was tumultuous, that he had struggled with his power in force. 

 

She had spent long nights listening to Leia reminisce about her life. From her childhood on Alderaan, to her political aspirations as a young girl. Her part in the mission to get the Death Star plans the Rogue One mission discovered on Scarif to the Rebellion and the war that followed. When she had discovered who her birth parents were and why she had been given to Bail and Breha Organa to be raised. She spoke on that topic often. It had been such a huge revelation in her life. And never once had she mentioned that her father, Anakin Skywalker, had lost his battle with the dark side and become Darth Vader. 

 

Perhaps it had been that Rey had been ignorant of Anakin’s true identity, and Leia was able to speak freely of her birth parents for the first time. Perhaps Leia had thought she had known all along who her father was. But whatever the reason, that fact had never come up. 

 

And although the revelation had startled her, it had helped all of the pieces fall into place, when it came to Ben’s obsession with the Sith lord. But it also raised so many more questions. Too many for her to begin to try and reason just then.

 

Entering her hut, her eyes fell upon the now straightened books, lined within a stone alcove. The ancient Jedi texts. Doctrine that had been compiled from the very beginning of the Jedi Order. Words that she had hoped would enlighten her to her new found power and how to use it. And now, her hand brushed over their spines, that was all they were. Words. Written by a council that had only looked at one side of the Force. That had expected their disciples to cut themselves off from what made them whole. Their passion, be it love or hate, their emotions, be it courage or fear, their balance within the living Force. 

 

How had it happened? The loss of everything they had been? 

 

“Corruption,” the voice behind her offered the answer to her thoughts.

 

She didn’t have to turn to know his voice, or his presence.

 

“Corruption comes from the Dark Side,” she argued assuredly.

 

“No. Corruption comes from within.”

 

“That’s a lie,” she shot back at him, although not convincingly.

 

“Is it? Look at the Republic. The finest government according to so many. Do you know why it failed?”

 

She felt him move further into the room. Turning she looked at him, his large body seemed to take up so much space. At one time she wanted to run from him, so much did he overwhelm her. But now she found herself feeling safe with his bulk so near. She glanced at her satchel she noticed slung over his broad shoulder. He slipped it off and held it out to her. She couldn’t help flipping open the bag to see if it was still there. Slightly surprised her eyes immediately found his.

 

“It’s your’s. It’s never done for me what it does for you. I understand that now.”

 

Closing the satchel, she laid it aside and turned away again. “I didn’t think to see you again today.”

 

“I didn’t think so either. At least not right after you left me.”

 

She spun on him. “I didn’t leave you.”

 

“You most certainly did. You said your piece and you walked away. You didn’t even let me explain.”

 

“Do you have an explanation?”

 

“I… No. Not one you will accept. Not one I’m willing to give any more.”

 

“Then what?”

 

“You see me in a way no one ever has. Not my parents, not my uncle, not Snoke. And I know that the man you see is within me somewhere. Or at least some version of him is. But I can’t find him without your help. I can’t see him without your belief. There is so much we both still need to learn. You from me… and me from you. But first we… need to move past our own preconceived ideas of who we are meant to be.”

 

“I think you mean  _ you _ need to move past that. I have no preconceived notion that I was meant to be anything. I’m a scavenger from Jakku. That is all.”

 

“And that, right there is what I mean. You  _ still _ only see yourself as a scavenger from Jakku. But that is not who you are anymore. Not all you are, Rey.”

 

His dark eyes were so intense on her, she she actually wanted to squirm. He looked at her as if he could see into her soul. It was both reassuring and frightening at the same time. Dropping her gaze, she gestured to the satchel sitting on her bed. 

 

“Thank you for returning it.”

 

He shrugged and moved to sit on the bed, making himself comfortable. 

 

Taken back slightly, she frowned. “Is there something else?”

 

“The Republic? The Empire? Corruption?” he reminded her.

 

“Oh, I… you want to discuss that now?”

 

He reached for her hand, and gently tugged until she stood before him. He positioned her between his knees, and placed his hands on her slender waist. Even at this height, he barely had to look up at her to make eye contact.

 

The warmth of his hands through her clothing sent heat spreading through her. She had never realized just how much she had longed to be touched before. Even in the most superficial way,  she craved the sensation of feeling his hands on her. Hesitantly she reached up to lay her fingertips on his cheek. Turning his head, his lips brushed against the sensitive pads of her fingers. The feeling had her melting inside. Sliding her fingers into the silk of his dark hair, she closed her eyes at the sensation.

 

“We don’t have to talk,” he said roughly, against the inside of her wrist.

 

She found herself smiling at the thought. “I’m not sure all parts of me are ready for that just yet.”

 

With a growl, he pulled her to him, burying his smile in her breasts. “Then we can move very slowly until they are.”

 

She crawled up onto his lap, straddling his legs and pulled him close to her. Ducking her head, her lips found his and she let her tongue dart along the seam. He let out a harsh sigh before devouring her mouth with his. Her hands found their way beneath his cowl and her fingers spread across his broad shoulders, digging her nails in slightly, as heat speared down to her core. 

 

Her breath came out in pants as she tried to speak. “Ben, I… I need…”

 

“What do you need, darling? You can have anything.” His words vibrated along the skin of her throat.

 

Her head dropped back and she sighed. She knew she wanted him. She could feel the wet heat pooling between her thighs as she sat spread across him. Yet, she hesitated at the soreness she still felt from the night before. This was all new to her, this need, this unquenchable wanting. She had never burned like this before him, and while she reveled in it, she was also wary of it. 

 

“Is it always like this?” she whispered as she brought her mouth back to his.

 

“Like this?” he asked, a frown forming between his winged brows.

 

“Like what is between us. This need, this wanting. The way it burns away all else,” she tried to explain.

 

He pulled away from her. His full mouth pulling down into a frown. His eyes studied her face for a moment before he spoke.

 

“Why are you asking?”

 

Her face heated and she needed to look anywhere but at him. “I just thought you would… I mean that you might have… more, um, more experience with this. That you…”

 

She quickly talked herself into silence. He was still frowning at her, as his hand came up and brushed along her cheek and temple.

 

“That I have had more experience with this? Is that what you think?” 

 

His voice held a strange note that she had never heard before. 

 

“I just thought… I mean I assumed that…”

 

“That I’ve had many women in my bed.” HIs voice was flat.

 

Wishing she had never asked her question, she cursed swiftly and severely. “I didn’t mean… I’m sorry… Please, just forget--”

 

His finger on her lips had her silent. “I feel like I should be able to answer that question, and I’m embarrassed that I can’t. I don’t know if it is always like this. There has only been you.”

 

Her mouth formed a small ‘O’, in surprise. That was not what she had expected him to say at all. Especially after what he had said to her in the interrogation room on Starkiller Base.

 

_ He leaned in close to her. His heated breath brushing against her ear and cheek. She could feel the pressure of his power against her thoughts.  _

 

_ “You know I can take whatever I want,” he said, almost carelessly, as his eyes raked over her body. _

 

She had imagined he had taken what he wanted numerous times before. It had never occurred to her that his words had been a fear tactic to get what he wanted.

 

“I’m sorry. I just assumed,” she stumbled over an apology.

 

“I think I should be flattered.” He chuckled softly, echoing her own words from another time.

 

She smiled at his attempt at humor. Leaning in, she gently placed her lips on his. Pulling back she pressed her forehead against his. 

 

“Gods, I want you,” she whispered.

 

“Then take me. I told you I’d give you anything you wanted,” he murmured against her mouth.

 

His hands found her skin beneath her top and he dug his fingers into her warm flesh. Her head fell back as she released a deep sigh. Kneading her flesh as he moved up her body, his large hands found her pert breasts and squeezed gently. Her groan had him hard instantly. She rubbed herself against him, searching for the friction her position denied her. She squirmed to get closer to him.

 

“So needy,” he chuckled against her throat.

 

“It’s not enough.” She pulled at his clothing.

 

He growled, rolling her over to the bed beneath him. Kneeling above her, he drew off his clothing until he was completely naked. She gasped at the stark beauty of him. Marveling that he was her’s, even if it was only for this moment in time.

 

“Gods, you are beautiful,” she whispered, reaching for him. 

 

Her fingers traced the shape of his muscles beneath his taut skin. The tips brushed against the scars that told his story. He shuddered as her fingertips touched the scar on his shoulder that she had given him.

 

“I’m not beautiful, darling. I’m a monster,” he leaned down over her,  and began to undress her.

 

“But you  _ are _ beautiful. Your scars are your story, and they are beautiful.”

 

He unwrapped her top, and pulled off her breast band, laying her bare before him. He brought his mouth down to her collar bone, and ran his tongue along it. Moving lower, he took her rosey nipple in his mouth, and sucked gently, causing her to arch up into him with a gasp.

 

“You have not denied that I am a monster. Do you still believe I am?” His heated breath along her abdomen caused her to shiver.

 

“That monster is a part of you. It will never go away. But that is not all that you are. Not all that you can be.  Besides… you are my monster. And I am not afraid of you.”

 

She arched again, crying out as his mouth found the bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs. His tongue played with the engorged bud, flicking it, circling it, sucking gently on it, while his hands brushed languidly along the outside of her swollen lips. She was dripping, her wet heat glistening on his fingers. 

 

“I don’t imagine you could be afraid of a man on his knees before you,” he said as he left her clit and delved his tongue into her molten core.

 

A guttural cry was pulled from her throat as she watch him bring his fingers to his mouth and lick her off of them. She shuddered, her thighs convulsing around his hips. A sly smile spread across his lips as he ducked his head again and dipped his tongue within her folds. Her small hands grabbed fist fulls of his hair as she pulled his mouth to hers. She could taste herself on his lips as she devoured him. 

 

“I need you,” she growled against his mouth, as she continued to suck at his bottom lip.

 

He moved agonizingly slow, as he touch the tip of his cock to her core. She bucked, trying to force him to enter her, but he pressed a hand on her hip to keep her still. Slowly, he pushed the tip against her again. He shivered as her wet heat enveloped the head. But he would allow no more. As he gently pushed just the tip in and out of her, his hand found her clitoris and lazily brushed circles around it. 

 

Her whole body was trembling as he tortured her with this sweet agony. He pulled sounds from her throat that might not have even been human. Her nails scraped along his sides and his biceps as she tried to pull him closer. But he refused.

 

“Please, please…” she whimpered, her head rocking from side to side.

 

“You said you were sore, darling. I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered with a frown.

 

“Please, Ben. Please. I need you inside me,” she sobbed, tears falling from her eyes.

 

“I promise to be gentle,” he said as he shifted to enter her.

 

“No! I don’t want gentle. I need you to fuck me. I need you to erase my nightmares. I need you to fill me until I shatter. I don’t need gentle.”

 

Looking down at her, he saw the demons dancing in her eyes. 

 

“Are you sure?” he groaned, barely able to control himself at her words.

 

“Now!” her nails raked down his chest.

 

With one thrust, he slammed himself into her. His mouth coming down hard on hers, as his hips pinned her to the stone bed with every thrust. He was not gentle. He was not soft. He let the monster free and he had no desire to reign it in. He was rock hard, and still he slammed into her, with no care if he was hurting her. He was running with his passion, giving his emotions their head, and taking what he had wanted for so long.

 

And she met him thrust for thrust. Her nails scoring lines down his back, while her teeth, marked his thick shoulders. She gasped as their hips met with force and she wrapped her slender legs around his waist. He could feel the climax building, pushing him closer to the precipice, but he wanted her to fall with him, so he slowed his movements.

 

“Kriff, don’t stop.  I’m so close,” she cried.

 

Slamming into her again, his pace faster, he suddenly felt her contract around him, her walls trembling around him as her orgasim shattered her, and then claimed him. She clung to him as she screamed and sobbed her release. His head was thrown back as he shouted his to the stars. 

 

They collapsed together, a boneless mass, of sweaty flesh. They panted as they tried to catch their breath. He could barely move, but his hand managed to find hers and he laced their fingers together before he closed his eyes and he let the darkness carry him off to oblivion. The last thing he felt before he passed out was her lips on the side of his neck as she whispered something softly.

 

.

 

He awoke to find her curled up next to him. Her sleep softened face close to his, her slightly parted lips a mere breath away. He couldn’t quite believe that this was real. That this woman was his. That she wanted him. Him and not his lineage. Him and not his title. Him and not his power. For as long as he could remember everyone had wanted something from him. And he had found himself slowly pulled apart, until he had lost himself amidst the grabbing fingers of power and greed. And then he had met her. And she slowly began pulling all of the broken parts of him back together. 

 

Yet, he was apprehensive. He had been broken for so long he wasn’t sure he remember who he was before. And that didn’t seem to matter to her. She didn’t care if all of the pieces fit back together in the way they had originally meant to. She wanted to build on what was able to fit together now. Both his dark and his light. With her there was never a choice of one or the other. From the beginning she had only wanted him to find his balance.

 

He watched as she moved closer to him, her body unconsciously searching for his warmth. Snaking an arm around her, he pulled her to him, and draped a blanket over them. She was precious to him, he knew that now. So much more than anything had ever been in his life. And he was terrified of what would happen to them in the coming storm that was even now, rolling across the galaxy as they lay entwined together.

 

He watched her sleep. Watched as her demons drew her into a nightmare. He could remember nights where his demons had done the same, and there had been no one to save him from himself. Leaning down he placed his lips on her temple, making soothing noises as she cried out in her sleep. The contact had her jerking awake, her hand flying out in her disorientation. 

 

“You’re free, darling. You’re free. I’m here,” he whispered words he vaguely remembered from a time before.

 

“Ben?” she gasped out, her voice sounding hoarse and unused.

 

“Yes, sweetheart, I’m here.”

 

His voice was rough as it broke over her skin, but his soft kisses along her arm were reassurance that the dream, the nightmare, was gone.

 

“I was searching for you. I knew you were near, but I couldn’t find you. I called for you but you couldn’t respond. I was alone, but you were so close. It was dark and there was fire everywhere. You told me to wait for you but I couldn’t. They were coming closer. I needed to move. I needed to find you.”

 

“I’m here, Rey. It was just a dream. Just a nightmare,” he said softly.

 

She clung to him. He could feel her heart beating to break through her chest. She was terrified, and was turning to him for comfort. He felt awkward and yet found this need to give her what comfort he could. It was an odd feeling for him, wanting to protect someone other than himself. But he knew at that moment he would give his life to protect her.

 

“Shh, I’m right here. I promise. It was just a nightmare.”

 

She closed her eyes again, holding him close to her, hoping that she would be able to fall back asleep. She let him hold her. Let him calm her down. Let him believe that it would disappear with his words and the morning light. But she knew what she had seen was not just a nightmare. She had seen it all before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Soundtrack (in no particular order)
> 
> RUELLE:  
> The Other Side  
> Rival  
> War of Hearts  
> Fear On Fire  
> Recover  
> Until We Go Down
> 
> MIIA:  
> Dynasty
> 
> BREAKING BENJAMIN:  
> Without You
> 
> RAGIN:  
> Empire Of Our Own  
> Don't Let Me Go
> 
> I'll be adding more as we go and as I find new ones. And feel free to offer up your suggestions! I would love to hear them! XOXO


	21. The Conflict Within You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, my lovelies, today is my birthday and I'm going to give you a gift! A very hefty Chapter 21!!! I'm excited about this chapter and can't wait to hear your thoughts. I hope you love it as much as I do. Things are about to get very challenging for our lovers, and I personally can't wait!! (insert evil laugh here)
> 
> You will be starting to meet new characters now that are going to change the course of Ben and Rey's relationsip and lives. And I hope you love/hate them as much as I do. So...
> 
> Thanks for sticking around, and enjoy!!!

:Chapter Twenty-One:

 

She awoke to the darkness of the early morning. The sound of the waves and the birds calling were the only thing she heard beside his even breaths next to her. Turning to him, she studied his sleeping face. Her heart squeezed in her chest as a tear slipped down her cheek. She reached out her hand and traced his features with the softest touch. He stirred but didn’t wake as she took in his countenance.

 

He looked so different under the spell of sleep. His features softened, his presence vulnerable. She had hated him. She still should if she thought about it logically. He had done so many terrible things. To her, to her friends. She should revile him. Kill him right then, and end the war with one stroke. But she could no more strike him down than she could pull her own heart from her chest.

 

Another tear slipped down her cheek, and she hastily brushed at it. What she felt for him was the farthest thing from hate, and yet, she found it was only a very thin line that separated the emotions. Another tear escaped her closed eyes. She had never felt like this before, and was terrified that it would all be swept away from her in the storm that was coming. She was not that naive to believe that they could escape the war by hiding from it. 

 

Her thoughts strayed back to the visions she had the night before. The first time she had seen them, she had been under Maz Kanata's castle, with her hand on Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber. She had been submersed in it. 

 

_ Day became night, sky ominous and filled with rain, cold and chilling to the bone. She was standing, she was sitting, she was looking up-- to see someone, a warrior, take the full force of the lightsaber. He screamed and fell.  _

 

_ Battlefield then, all around her. Putting a hand to her mouth, she rose and turned. As she turned, she found herself confronted by seven tall, cloaked figures, dark and foreboding, all armed. Soaked and shivering, she stumbled backward, turning as she half fell. _

 

And then she had woken up. Roused from the vision by him. And she had found herself safe and protected in his arms. But the vision, unlike all of the others, had yet to pass. And she was not ready to uncover when that might happen. Because  _ he _ was one of the cloaked figures before her, and she was frightened to discover if he stood there for her or against her.

 

With a sniff, she placed her lips gently on his. He stirred this time and his dark eyes fluttered open.

 

He looked at her, groggy with sleep. “Did you have another nightmare?”

 

She shook her head. She did not want to examine what she was feeling just then. 

 

“What is it?” He brushed at the hair that had fallen over his eyes, and tucked her, again, close to his body. 

 

“I missed you,” she told a half truth. 

 

He smiled into her neck as he nuzzled her there. Strangely, that was exactly how he felt when she was asleep and he awake. They were both so needy, having been alone for their whole lives, devoid of intimate relationships.

 

“I missed you too, darling.” He kissed along her throat.

 

She purred and nestled deeper into him. “What shall you teach me today?”

 

“The reason the Republic didn’t work, and won’t work again, I think.”

 

She looked up at him with a frown between her brows. “You’re mother was a Senator for the Republic. I think she would disagree with you.”

 

“Because my mother was a Senator for the Republic, is why she would agree with me. My mother knew the failures of the Senate and the Senate was the foundation of the Republic.”

 

“Then explain why she would want to bring back the Senate and the Republic? What you’re saying doesn’t make sense.”

 

“Because she doesn’t know any other way. My mother is stuck in the past. She believes everyone is as selfless and as far from corruption as she is. She wants to believe there is good in everyone's intentions.”

 

“So you are saying she is naive?” Rey, almost growled.

 

“No. She is deluded. She wants to believe this fairy tale of the Senate. She remembers the Galactic Senate under Mon Mothma, and wants to bring that back. What she doesn’t realize is that is impossible. Mon Mothma, my mother, were from a different galaxy then we have now. We don’t need to go backwards, we need to move forward. To take what we know worked. To throw out what we know failed. To try and avoid the pitfalls and stumbling blocks they went through. We need to build on what was and make something new. To fall back to a system that did not work either time it was imposed, would be foolish.”

 

“So what then? Rule the galaxy through tyranny and oppression? Enslave the very beings you are supposed to be protecting?” Her voice rose, but she remained close to him. 

 

“That’s not the way either. The Empire, the First Order, they had it wrong too. History has shown us that the oppressed will rise up and revolt.”

 

“Then what is the answer?”

 

“I’m not sure there is an answer. Or at least not one that will make everyone happy.”

 

“But you have an idea…” she urged him on.

 

“It needs to start with the planets themselves. They need to have governments that have just enough power to rule, but be regulated by their people. Those in power should be put there by a majority vote and should have to answer for their failures in an election every 6 years.”

 

“Why six? Why not two or four?”

 

“Two is not enough to begin reform. Four is not enough to see reform through. Six should be enough to begin to see result from reform they initiated. And at that point if the people want change then it is their right to accomplish that through an election.”

 

She nodded. “So a type of planetary Governor. Fair enough. Then what about each system?”

 

He laid back, tucking his hand behind his head. “Each system will be overseen by a House of elected officials. It will be their job to regulate planetary government and to protect their systems. Not every system requires the same security. Depending on imports and exports, on major economy, they will decide as a delegation what works best.”

 

“And then who oversees the system governments?”

 

“Officials, Assembly men and women, elected from the ranks of the House governments will come together to oversee systems in different sections of the galaxy. Such as the Core, the Inner Rim, Mid-Rim, Outer Rim, etc. And from this group of Assembly, you will have your elected Ministers. One from each region to convene under the guidance of a Prime Minister. The Prime Minister will also be an elected position chosen from the group of ministers by the citizens of each planet. Each seat will be limited to a term of years.”

 

“That is a pretty picture you paint. But what happens when corruption begins to tarnish that shiney government you have created? Like you said it did with the Republic, and the Empire, and even the First Order.”

 

“My goal is that because each level of government is overseen by the one below and above it, corruption can be weeded out before it infects all levels and topples the entire thing.”

 

Rey nodded, but was still not convinced. “But what if the corruption is at the very top? How to you prevent your house of cards from falling down?”

 

“Because the Prime Minister is elected by the people and limited to a certain term of service, I feel even if the person to be elected were corrupt, that the governing body of Ministers would be able to be a type of buffer between the people and that Prime Minister for their term of service and that the people would vote to remove them from power at the next election.”

 

“It seems you’ve thought of everything,” she conceded.

 

“I’ve had most of my life to think about this. But I know that there will be growing pains along the way. Not everything will be perfect all at once.” 

 

“Nothing is perfect, Ben. I think a person who strives for perfection will always find disappointment in the end.”

 

He was silent for a moment. “Then you’ve learned my lesson. Perfection is a myth. There is no way for the galaxy to have a lasting peace. There will always be uprisings and unrest. There will always be someone unhappy with the current politics. There is no way to please everyone.

 

“But that does not mean that lawlessness is the answer. We need to try. I need to try.”

 

“And I think that’s what your mother believes, too,” she said softly.

 

“My mother is holding on to the past. To a system that has been proven not to work. I mean think about it. If you study history, you will see that the Empire hid in the Outer Rim gaining power and allies, and when they were defeated that was were they all ran to. And no one in the New Republic thought to keep a eye on the Outer Rim after that? They let history repeat itself with the First Order!” he said heatedly, sitting up. 

 

Rey followed him up, and placed a hand on his bare chest. 

 

“I’m not arguing that point. I just want you to understand that if perhaps you shared your vision with her, she might be swayed to end this war. If you were willing to work with the Resistance and what is left of the Republic, you may be able to avoid any more lives lost.”

 

She sat there, the blanket clutched to her bare chest, her hair, mussed from their lovemaking, falling around her shoulders, her cheeks flushed, and her lips swollen from his kisses. In that moment, he wanted nothing more. It was a shock to him. Something he had never felt before. Contentment. 

 

But reality was quick to set in, and he knew he needed to disabuse her of this belief that anyone in the Resistance would be willing to parlay with him and hear his plan for the galaxy, especially his mother.

 

“No one in the Resistance will be willing to hear me. Including my mother. It’s a dream, darling. A beautiful one, but a dream nonetheless.”

 

“No, Ben. I know she would sit with you. She would listen to you. If she…” 

 

She cut her words off. She tried to hide it but he caught her frantic look.

 

“What is it?”

 

She looked at him. Her eyes wide, and an emotion he had not seen in her in a long time in them. Fear.

 

“What is wrong, Rey? Tell me.”

 

“Ben, I… I didn’t know… I’m sorry.”

 

A pain gripped at his chest. His lungs were made of stone. It held him paralyzed. He didn’t want to know. He had to know. He wanted to grab her throat and make her tell me. He wanted to close her mouth with kisses so she kept silent.

 

“Tell me.” 

 

His voice compelled her, drowning in the Force. He knew he didn’t need it. Knew she would tell him. Yet he couldn’t control it as his anger and fear poured into it.

 

“Ben, don’t,” she pushed back at him half heartedly, tears glistening on her lashes.

 

“Before you arrived. Just after I gave you my location, I was in contact with the Resistance. Your mother had asked me to check in with her regularly. When I did, it was Poe Dameron who answered her comm. He told me she had taken ill shortly after I left and had fallen into a coma. Her vitals were weak but steady and that he would contact me if there were any change. 

 

“When you arrived it was the last thing I was willing to tell you. I was sure you didn’t care and was not going to give you the satisfaction of using it to mock me. And then… then it just wasn’t the right time. If there ever is such a thing.”

 

She was crying now. Crying for the woman who had become her friend. Crying for the man who had become her heart. Crying for the girl she had lost in this journey.

 

His gaze was hard and his jaw worked as he clenched his teeth. “Is she--” he couldn’t continue.

 

She shook her head. “She is alive. Poe promised me he would contact me if something changed.”

 

The pain in his chest abated. His lungs released and expanded as he took a breath.    
  


“If you love her as you say you do, why didn’t you return,” there was almost accusation in his voice.

 

“She wouldn’t let me. Her orders to Poe were not to let me return. That I needed to be where I was more than I needed to be with her.”

 

He nodded, “Yes, that sounds like her.”

 

“I’m sorry, Ben. I should have told you. I should have gone to her. But I was torn. If I had gone to her, I would not have been here when you arrived. And she knew that I needed to be here for you. With you.

 

“She told me that you needed me, more than either of us could imagine. And that I needed you just as much. She told me not to be afraid, that I was so much stronger than I knew. I didn’t understand until now just how right she was. I’m so sorry.”

 

He pulled her to him, tucking her head beneath his chin. 

 

“Stop, darling. Don’t. You did what you thought was right. What the situation called for. Hindsight is 20/20. We cannot go back and fix the past.”

 

She burrowed her face into his throat. “Why do you sound so calm? Why aren’t you angry? Why aren’t you railing at me for keeping this from you?”

 

Her arms snaked round his chest, clinging to him, trying to draw his strength into herself.

 

“I’m not sure. When you began I felt anger. I wanted to hurt you. To destroy you because of that anger. But I also wanted to hold you. To comfort you when I thought she was dead. She hasn’t been my mother in years, and yet… she will always be.”

 

Still holding him, this time she gave. Reaching out with the Force to soothe and comfort him. She wished she could do more. Wished he would accept more, but she knew he would only push her away. 

 

And suddenly, she felt him pull away from her. 

 

“Forgive me. I need to…”

 

“Ben, please don't pull away from me,” she whispered, but released him.

 

He looked at her, his lips pressed together. “ I just need some time to…” he broke off.

 

“To settle all of this within you?”

 

“Something to that effect.”

 

He stood and began to slip his clothing back on. Rey watched, feeling him pull away even more. Her chest was squeezed tight. She found it was hard to breathe around the closing of her throat. Tears pricked the back of her eyes. He needed space, she understood that, but that didn’t make it any easier.

 

When he finished dressing he turned to her. “I need to be alone right now. I need to check on my ship.”

 

She looked away and nodded, not wanting him to see the tears on her cheeks. He watched her for a moment, his teeth set, his jaw working. Kneeling before her, his bare hand cupped her chin and turned her face to him. His thumb brushed away the wetness as he waited for her eyes to meet his. When she finally raised them to his, they held. He pushed against her gently with the Force, sending soothing feelings.

 

She was resistant at first but she slowly opened to him. He leaned forward placing his warm lips upon hers. 

 

Pulling back he brushed his thumb over her lips. “This has nothing to do with you. You know that, right?”

 

She nodded slowly, placing her hand over his. She would tell him what he needed to hear just then. She felt like the worst liar and she knew, no matter what he told her, that she had hurt him with the news.

 

He walked out of the hut and she watched him go. Sitting silently, wrapped in the blankets they had shared, still warm from their bodies, she allowed herself to sink it to the downward spiral that had threatened to consume her for her entire life. She had allowed herself to sink times before, but never to fall into it completely. And this time as all of those, she refused to allow herself to fall completely. She knew what was at the bottom and she did not want to go there. Not now, not ever. 

 

But as she sat curled in their bed, she knew deep down that she may have to face it after all.

 

.

 

He stalked down the stairs, his anger consuming his thoughts. Anger for his mother, for still being able to affect him in such a way. Anger at Rey, for having a relationship with the woman he once called mother. And anger at himself, for causing her to have to feel the need to hide the information, and for caring as much as he did.

 

This news should have not affected him the way it had. It should not have made him as angry as it did. It should not have punched him in the gut, and pulled his breath from his lungs. He should not care. He hadn’t for years. Or so he had told himself. But  _ she _ had changed all of that. And he could no longer deny she had. He was not the same man who had started this journey six years ago when he had destroyed his uncles academy and the Jedi Temple and ran to Snoke with his followers. And that was because of her. 

 

All of his training told him he should hate her for it. That he should destroy her. But he had moved so far past that point that he could no longer remember a time when he even entertained the idea. He did not understand what he felt for her, but he knew that he would destroy anyone who tried to hurt her in any way. He refused to examine those feelings. Refused to put a name to them. That was too far, in his mind. 

 

Pulling his robe and cowl tighter to him as the wind buffeted against him, he stomped up the ramp into his ship. Extricating some native fowl from where they seemed to have decided to nest in the nooks of the ship, he made his way to the comm room. There he found a number of communiques from Hux and other officers in the fleet. Ignoring them he brought to life one that was marked urgent. 

 

It was a written communique and only said the following:

 

MASTER: THE FIRE IS STOKED. IT HAS TRIED TO CONSUME US. -YOUR SERVANT

 

With a growl, Ben typed in the code to contact ‘his servant’. He knew exactly who had sent him the message and exactly what it meant.

 

Suddenly a holoimage appeared on the console before him. It was grainy being as far away as it was, but still clear enough to have this conversation.

 

“Master Kylo. We have been trying to contact you for days now.” His brother in arms’ face frowned at him.

 

“Hello, Varon. What exactly is going on? You were only supposed to contact me in an emergency.”

 

“Yes, I know. And I believe we now have one.”

 

“Continue,” Ben ordered, sitting back in his chair and steepling his hands on his lap.

 

“Hux contacted us a number of days ago. He ordered us to join the fleet at Akiva.” Varon’s growl was similar to his masters.

 

“Akiva? He issued you an order? What does he think he’s doing?” Ben thought out loud.

 

“We don’t know, but when we got the order from that  _ snake _ and not you, we all agreed something was up. Todoka decided we should contact you, and it fell to me as your second to do it and get my head bitten off for the effort.”

 

“I have not bitten your head off, Varon… yet.”

 

“Kylo, where are you? We became concerned when we couldn’t reach you for days.”

 

Ben looked up sharply at Varon’s use of his informal name. Of all of his Knights, Varon was the one he was closest too. And being that he was Ben’s second in command they were more like brother’s than friends. But Varon was always the one who relied on rules and protocol. He thrived on order and mandate. His use of the informal address spoke volumes, but could not be ignored.

 

“You don’t get to question me, Varon.” His words held a warning.

 

“No, Master Kylo, ‘I’ don’t, but ‘we’ need to know our Master is well, and not being held against his will,” Varon challenged.

 

“I am fine, Varon,” his tone brooked no argument.

 

“You found the scavenger,” Varon’s words were almost accusatory.

 

“We need her,” Ben’s words came too quickly.

 

Varon was silent for a moment. “ _ We _ do, or  _ you _ do, Master Kylo?”

 

“You dare to question me, Varon? I don’t need anyone. Including a second who questions my motives,” he growled in anger.

 

He knew the words were a lie before he uttered them. But Varon was not the one to show even the slightest weakness to.

 

“If you say so, Master. What are you orders for us?” Varon retreated slightly from the argument.

 

“Go to Mustafar. Wait for me at the castle. When I arrived I will have what we need to move forward with our plan.”

 

Varon nodded, seemingly appeased by the order. “Very good, Master Kylo. We will await you there.”

 

The holoimage disappeared, and Ben sat back with a sigh. It had become easy to forget his responsibilities, when it was just him and Rey. Had been easy to lose himself in this new found passion, that at times threatened to consume him. And no matter what his next move was, he would not give her up. 

 

Sitting forward, he rested his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands. He hadn’t had time to digest what Rey had revealed to him earlier, and now it had to be put aside for bigger things.

 

The war had just come to Ahch-To, and he needed to find a way to tell her he had to go.


	22. Stand With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Resistance intrudes on Rey and Ben, and now they have to make choices neither of them are ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! I'm back! And I'm going to say right now this didn't go exactly how I had in mind. Apparently Ben thinks that sex is a good form of apology and Rey agrees. Typical with these too. That being said, I love how it ended up! Ben is finally opening up to Rey and she is finally beginning to trust him. And then Rey get's a call. 
> 
> Yep, we knew that couldn't last long. And I'm sorry, but the next part is going to be so good! So much angst and pain all around!!! But I promise you will love it... I hope. Lot's more growing up to do and a big lesson on how to choose your friends wisely on both sides. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy Chapter 22 and let me know what you think!! XOXO

:Chapter Twenty-Two:

 

Rey dressed, not truely paying attention to the task. Her mind was with the man who had somehow helped her find herself and lose herself all at once. She hurt for the motherless boy he thought himself to be. She hurt for the motherless girl she had been. So alike and yet so vastly different, they were.

 

She slid her arm band in place and bent to find her second, when her comm crackled to life.

 

“Rey. Come in Rey. It’s Poe. Rey, are you there?”

 

She spun, her entire demeanor changing in an instant, frantically searching for the comm, sadly forgotten when  _ he _ had arrived. Discovering it beneath a tossed blanket, she snatched it up and depressed the button.

 

“Poe, I’m here. It’s Rey, I’m here. Poe?” she nearly cried into the comm.

 

“Rey!” his voice came through clear.

 

“Poe! Poe, is everything alright? I’m here,” she was almost shouting.

 

“Everything is… Leia’s woken up, Rey.”

 

“Is she okay?”

 

“She’s… she’s very weak. She’s a bit disoriented also. She’s asked for Han... and her son.”

 

“Poe, is she alright? Should I return?”

 

At her last question, she paused with a sinking feeling in her stomach. Returning would mean leaving Ben… unless.

 

“She has told me not to contact you. Said I should let you complete your journey, but honestly Rey, I think  you should come back to us.”

 

Rey found she couldn’t speak. Couldn’t catch her breath. What was he saying? Was Leia dying? This could not be happening. She could not wrap her mind around this right now. 

 

“I… It will be a few days before I can start my return. Do you think…” she couldn’t finish her thought.

 

“Just come, Rey. I don’t have any easy answers, but I don’t think we have much time,” Poe urged softly.

 

She took a deep breath, “I’ll come.”

 

Until that moment she hadn’t known what to do, but she when she uttered the words, knew she had made the right decision. Now she just had to convince Ben that it was.

 

“Thank you, Stargirl. Send me a message before you leave so we know when to expect you.” 

 

“I will,” she agreed.

 

“See you soon. Take care of  yourself,” he ended the conversation. 

 

She sat alone, in silence, the comm clutched in her hand, staring into the fire that warmed the damp hut. It must have started raining because she could hear the force of it coming down on the roof. Leia was dying. Poe had not said as much, but she wasn’t stupid. He would never have called her back if Leia was well. 

 

Rey wanted to reach out to her. To reach across the galaxy with the Force, and just touch the strength of her. But she still had no idea where they were, and if Leia was as weak as Poe suggested, then the effort might hurt her more. So she sat, her stomach in knots, and tried to find some kind of calm before she approached Ben.

 

Ben. He would know. He would be able to tell something had upset her. Perhaps she could hide what it was from him, but she could not hide the roil of emotions. They were too close for that. Placing the comm on the table, she found her cowl, and pulled up the hood. With a quick breath, she headed out into the rain to find him. 

 

She knew he had headed to his ship. He had told her as much, but he had left for a reason. She was headed to disturb him and she wasn’t sure he wanted to see her. But after what had just happen between them, she couldn’t keep this from him. As she reached the landing area where their ships sat, she reached out along the bond, announcing her presence long before she neared the ramp to his ship. Giving him time to send her away if he wanted.

 

Reaching the ramp, she found him waiting for her at the top. She paused in the rain, taking him in. Something had changed. He was hiding, she could feel it. But that wasn’t important just then. 

 

“I’m sorry. I know that you wanted to be alone,” she began.

 

He gave her a wry smile. “Are we ever really alone anymore?”

 

“That’s not a bad thing, you know.” She cocked her head to the side.

 

“I’m not saying it is. Come.” He held out his hand to her.

 

She moved up the ramp, taking it as she reached him. The warmth of his hand enveloped hers, as he pulled her close. Leaning down he took her lips gently, and her body melted into his.

 

“I missed you,” he whispered against her lips.

 

Her mouth smiled against his. “We are never really apart.”

 

“The bond is not enough any more. I need to touch you. To feel your power hum beneath my skin.”

 

“So needy,” she purred, brushed her lips against his.

 

She could feel his chuckle run through her body and thrilled to the sensation.

 

“What has happened?” His question pulled her back to reality. 

 

She pulled away, her face looking grave again. “I received a comm from Poe.”

 

“The Resistance pilot.” There was an underlying derisiveness to his tone, but he remained calm.

 

“Yes,” she agreed.

 

“I assume there is more.”

 

Rey nodded, still trying to find a way to tell him the news.

 

“Your mother… Leia… she’s woken up.”

 

Suddenly everything went silent around her. She could not feel his power. Could not feel the pulse of the Force he wielded against her skin. He had pulled himself away, locking everything he was behind the obsidian walls he had built so long ago. And she could not find him.

 

“Ben,” she whispered.

 

He couldn’t look at her. Refused to look at her. Because if he did, everything he was, everything he had built his life around, would shatter into a million tiny pieces and he would never be able to be put back together. 

 

“Ben, please… look at me.” 

 

She reached up tentatively to touch his cheek, but he turned his head and took a step away. Closing her hand she slowly pulled it away, bringing it to her chest. She looked up at him, her eyes wide. Everything she was feeling flickered through their depths. And as much as she tried to pull away from him, her emotions buffeted against him through their bond. He physically flinched as he felt her pain, her fear, her emptiness. And still he refused to look at her. 

 

He was broken, so much more than she could ever understand. So much more than could ever be healed. And yet he had hoped. Had believed that the two of them could put the pieces back together. He was beyond help. There was no light within him. He had nothing to give her except his darkness.

 

And yet, he wanted her. Wanted her to the point of distraction. Wanted her more than he wanted anything else. Wanted her to the point of obsession. And he knew he had nothing to offer her. Was not what she believed. And could not hold her to him because of that. He needed to let her go. To step aside and do what was right for her. No matter how much it tore at him. No matter how much it made him retreat back into the darkness.

 

A tear slipped from the corner of her eye, glistening down her cheek as she turned from him. 

 

“I’m sorry, Ben,” she whispered. “So sorry.”

 

And that was all it took for him to break. All it took for him to rush down the ramp, and pulled her into his arms. He could barely see her through the sheets of water, but he took her face in his large hands and pressed his lips to hers, not forcing, but seeking. Seeking her forgiveness. Seeking her light. Seeking her heart.

 

“Forgive me, darling.” His words warmed her cold lips.

 

She answered him by taking his face in her hands and pressing her lips to his, giving. Giving her forgiveness. Giving her light. Giving her heart.

 

He lifted her in his arms and like a bridegroom carried her into the ship and to his quarters. There, he painstakingly began to remove her clothing. One piece at a time, slowly, and gently, until she stood before him naked. And then he removed his own. He placed his hands on her slender hips as he fell to his knees. He kneeled before her, bared not only physically but emotionally. Everything he was, he was giving her.

 

There was so much he wanted to say. Believe in me. Stay with me. Heal me. Love me. But the words would not come, or could not. He wasn’t sure which. He simply buried his head in her abdomen, pressing his lips across the damp skin of her stomach. 

 

“Ben,” she moaned as his mouth moved lower. 

 

He wrapped his arms around her and stood, lifting her with him. Turning he placed her on the bed, beneath him. His fingers gently brushed along her skin, tenderly touching every inch of her. Worshiping her on his knees.  His lips followed his fingers, pressing them to her now warming flesh. She arched into him, seeking more, needing more, wanting only him. Her fingers slid into his hair that fell around his face, and tightened. 

 

Pulling his face to hers she held him inches above her and searched his eyes, and when she found what she was looking for she released him to cup his face.

 

“You are mine, as I am yours,” she whispered, her breath brushing against his lips.

 

“Forever,” he sealed the word against her lips as he wrapped his arms around her.

 

She wrapped her legs around him, pulling him closer to her core. He slid his hand between them, sliding his fingers along her damp folds. She shuddered, moaning against his mouth.  Gently he spread her, and eased his hard cock in to her wet heat. He dropped his head against hers, gasping as he slid fully.

 

“Kriff, you feel so good. Gods, I can’t…” came his strangled words. 

 

She rocked her pelvis against him, sliding along his erection. Her eyes flew open as she gasped out his name. He gripped her hips.

 

“Don’t. I won’t last.”

 

“Please, Ben. Please. I promise I’ll go slow. So slow,” she mewled, tossing her head in pleasure.

 

He clenched his teeth. He could deny her nothing. Holding her hips, he let her rock against him, sliding her silken walls along him. Every movement was a test of his will. It was the sweetest torture, the most painful ecstasy. But he was determined to give her everything she wanted. 

 

He slid into her achingly slow. Drawing himself out just in the same way, until he was shaking from the control he was exerting on his body. Her mouth and hands were everywhere on him, she whispered words he never thought to hear. And yet, not one that he still longed for.

 

They took each other agonizingly slowly. Trying to avoid the reality that they both wanted to forget. As Rey started to move quicker, sliding her heat up and down his turgid length, he matched his strokes to hers. Her pants turned into tiny mewling noises at the back of her throat and he nearly spilled himself into her as she tightened around him in a slight tremor. He stopped, pulling out to just barely the tip, as he struggled to wait for her.

 

“No, no,” her voice was hoarse from the sounds she had been making. “Please don’t stop. I’m right there. Please, please.”

 

Wanting to give her what she needed, he slid back into her, and she trembled around him again. Supporting himself on his arms over her, he grimaced.

 

“I can’t go much longer, darling. Let me pull out and get you closer with my fingers.”

 

“No. I’m right there. Just do what you need. As fast as you need. Please, please,” she pleaded with him like a spice addict needing a fix.  

 

But it was him she needed. Him she wanted. And with that knowledge he took her with long strokes, moving faster each time. 

 

“Oh, Gods, I’m going to come, Ben. Please!” she cried out.

 

“Kriff, so am I,” he ground out as he stroked into her faster. 

 

When they came together, the world shattered around them. Light exploded from them coursing outward across the island and sea. Ben smothered her scream and his cry with his mouth upon hers. Pulling her as close to his body as he physically could, and then melding his Force with hers. Stars were born and died in their wake. Galaxies were formed and destroyed. Their power together was beyond anything.

 

Sated and boneless, they lay together, their damp bodies, forming one being. Ben slid down to his side and pulled her with him, wanting to stay connected to her for as long as possible. Rey did not object, draping her leg over his hip and snuggling in to his heat. His lips brushed against her forehead as her hand lazily traced up and down his spine.

 

“You are mine, as I am yours,” he whispered to her.

 

“Forever,” she finished.

 

Sighing contentedly, they both fell into a dreamless sleep, clasped together as though they were one.

 

.

 

_ Rain obscured his sight. Black silhouettes shifted in the foreground of his vision. A building glowed orange and red in the background. He took another two halting steps forward, glancing around at the landscape. Bodies moved in a strange dance. Laser fire flickered in his peripheral. The sound of water fizzling against lightsaber blades struck his ears. _

 

_ He blocked a strike, barely noticing the attack. His head shifted, searching. Another few halting steps. His hair slicked to his face, his saber crackling in his hand. Another few steps. He found what he had been searching for. Something shattered inside him. Anger flared hot and fierce.  _

 

_ She was there. Standing with another man. Clinging to him. Her hands fisted in his tunic. Her head thrown back. In agony? In ecstacy? His hands gripped her forearms. His blurry face looked down in to hers. His body curled over hers. Protectively? Menacingly? Her lips moved. The sound drowned by the pounding of the rain. His hands gripped her tighter. Pulled her closer. _

 

_ The hatred exploded within him. The fire burned away all else. The sound rose up in his throat. _

 

He awoke with a muffled scream, jolting upright in the bed. She startled next to him.

 

“Ben?” her sleep roughened voice asked, as she laid cool hands upon his back. 

 

He turned to look down at her. And then away. It was only a dream. Just a dream. Scrubbing his face roughly with his hands, he shifted to his side and laid down, curling himself around her warm body. Her arm slipped beneath his, and her hand came to rest on his bicep. Her other hand, came to rest against his rough cheek.

 

“It was just a dream,” he tried to assure himself more than her.

 

“Are they ever really just dreams?” she asked softly.

 

“This was not real. Could never be real.” He refused to believe anything else.

 

She snuggled into his body, wrapping an arm around his chest. “Good.”

 

He lay beside her. His mind spinning. Between the dream and the news of his mother, the turmoil he was dealing with, was bleeding out from him.

 

“Tell me what’s wrong,” she turned slightly, looking up at him. 

 

He lowered his face, so his eyes met hers. It was killing him. Tearing him apart. But he knew it was the next step. 

 

“You have to go,” he finally said.

 

“No!” She jolted and immediately argued.

 

“Rey, you have to go back.”

 

“Ben.” Her voice was urgent and anxious.

 

“She’s dying, Rey.” He didn’t have to say who.

 

“No. Not without you.”

 

He could feel her fear. Could feel her pulling the thread of their bond tight.

 

“Rey… darling, don’t be foolish. I cannot go with you. I cannot show my face there. Even if I wanted to. They would lock me behind bars, if they didn’t shoot me on sight first.

 

“I need to return to the First Order. There are things I need to do there.”

 

“She’s dying, Ben.  What could be more important than that?” she asked softly.

 

He was silent again. She could see him battling with his demons. Could see the war he had been fighting for his whole life. When he closed his eyes, and breathed deeply, she knew what he was going to say. And her heart broke for them both.

 

“I can’t. She hasn’t been my mother in years. I’ve nothing to say to her. Anything that might have healed this wound, should have been said years ago.”

 

“It’s never too late. Even if she could just see your face. If--”

 

“Leave it, Rey. You will go to her. I will go to the First Order.”

 

She stopped for a moment, looking up at him from the bed they had just shared. “And then what?”

 

“I don’t understand?”

 

He truly looked confused. He wasn’t sure what she wanted him to say. He had thought she understood. He thought he had made everything clear to her. She was his. She belonged to him. He had claimed her. He had showed her who she was and where she belonged. Her place was at his side. It didn’t matter if the galaxy was between them, they belonged to each other. 

 

At his silence, she sat up and he felt her Force pull away from him. Protecting herself. 

 

“What happens to this? To us? I refused to believe that everything that happened here meant nothing to you.”

 

It would be so much easier if he could answer that it hadn’t. So much easier to let her go. To return to where he had belonged. What had he expected? He had known from the moment she had reconnected their Force bond that there was no escaping her. And after this time with her, he would follow her to the ends of the galaxy chained to her side if it were possible. But it wasn’t. He couldn’t. Not now. Not yet. 

 

She could feel him. Almost hear his thoughts. The anger burned bright in her chest.

 

“No!”

 

She came at him, beating and clawing at his chest. But her efforts were half hearted at best. More from hurt than anger. It was easy to subdue her. Holding her wrists, he pulled her close. The fight in her went out and she collapsed against his bare chest. His arms came around her and he held her as she cried softly.  He looked up at the roof of the ship, blinking the burning from his eyes. When he was sure no tears would fall, he ducked his head and buried his face in her hair. 

 

“You cannot think I can possibly walk away from this… from us… as if nothing happened? You are a part of me, Rey. You are mine, as I am yours,” he whispered intensely.

 

“Forever,” she breathed into his heart.


	23. I've Never Felt So Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is returning to the Resistance and Kylo is headed to Mustafar and his knights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear readers. I have been remiss in my story telling. I have left you all hanging and have absolutly no excuse for my absence, except for life has gotten in the way, and my muse went on a vacation. I hate her. She is tempermental and moody. She only works when she feels like it and is terribly snarky and rude. But when she does work, she get's the job done. 
> 
> So if there is anyone left out there who still wants to read this story I have to tell, I am apoligizing for my absence and my lack of writing in the past months. I hope you will forgive me. I make no promises that chapters will be regularly forthcoming but I can tell you our space lovers are finally speaking to me again, and my muse has returned from her sabatical and is ready to finish this story. 
> 
> I hope you all are still with me, and are willing to continue with me until the end. Much love to you all. XOXO

:Chapter Twenty-Three:

 

She had never felt so alone. She, who had been alone for as long as she could remember. She had forgotten how vast the emptiness of space was. How the endless black threatened to to swallow her whole. How the pinpricks of stars were like lost souls, trapped in the midnight expanse. 

 

And perhaps she had been this alone before. But now it was magnified because before she had not had a comparison. Now it was magnified by what she had experienced. And now, after her time with Ben, even the tight cockpit of her X-wing was too vast for her. 

 

She knew what was wrong, but she was loath to admit it. She was not only alone, she was lonely. Because that was something she had  _ never _ felt before. So many long nights on Jakku, alone in the cold dark of the desert, and she had never felt lonely. Waiting there for years, for parents she never knew, couldn’t remember, she had never felt the emptiness she felt just then without him.

It had been nearly impossible to watch him leave. Had been nearly impossible to let him go. And he hadn’t made the parting any easier. He had been distant and brooding, trying to keep himself from her while keeping their bond pulled tight, his power a constant erotic scraping across her skin. She understood that he was trying to protect her from the pain of their parting. He didn’t understand that she was too far gone for that. 

 

As his ship had lifted off and finally broke atmosphere, she was thankful for only one thing. That he had not been there to see her fall apart. But he had known. He had reached out to her with his Force. Had stayed with her for as long as he was able. Wrapping his power around her, holding her, comforting her until it had slowly faded. 

 

She had screamed her pain to the heavens until her throat was hoarse. And then she found her anger. And channeling that anger, she had pulled from the power of the island. She drew from the darkness that huddled deep at the islands core. She let it seep into her. Let it fill the emptiness she  tried to hide from, and tore the stones from the ground, tumbling them into the sea. And when her anger was spent, she sobbed. She had sobbed as the pain had washed over her. Sobbed, as she was shattered into one million pieces. Sobbed, as she kneeled in the middle of the valley, and the rain beat down upon her. She prayed that she would just simply wash away, into the fathomless ocean. She prayed that she might drown in the rain so the pain would stop. She prayed that the ground would swallow her whole. 

 

But not once did she pray that she had never met him. Not once did she pray that he had never reached her upon Ahch-To. And not once did she pray that they hadn’t opened themselves up to each other the way they had. 

 

Her spiral had lasted almost an entire day. When she finally gathered the pieces of herself together and readied her ship. She packed up Luke’s belongings into one of her satchels and then into the X-wing. Her journey back to the Resistance was going to be longer than her journey to Ahch-To. Because of her stop over on Jakku, she had been able to utilize the hyperspace lanes for the entire journey and cut her time traveling drastically.

 

Poe had sent her the coordinates for a planet in the Outer Rim Territories. He had mentioned in passing that there was an old rebel base from the early Rebellion years there, that had been almost forgotten in the years since the fall of the Empire and then the New Republic. Dantooine, he had called it in their last holovid. The name meant nothing to her. It was on the other side of the galaxy from Jakku. So far from everything she knew. 

 

Upon arriving from hyperspace into orbit over Dantooine, she found a planet of intense greens and blues. A lush landscape of forests and plains spread across the land masses, interspersed by deep blue seas. The skies were streaked with wispy clouds, and the atmosphere was calm as she entered, dropping down through it to the location Poe had given her.

 

Before she could fully remove her helmet, she was being pulled from her seat and wrapped in Poe’s arms. She clung to him, tears streaming down her cheeks. How she had missed them all. She barely made it down the ladder before she was plucked from it and pulled into Finn’s sturdy chest. When her feet finally hit the ground, a weepy Rose grabbed on to her.

 

They clung to each other, their happiness in seeing the other tempered by the reason Rey had returned. 

 

“Rose. Rose, you have to let her breathe.” Finn’s voice chided gently.

 

The two women pulled apart, wiping their eyes and noses. Finn, moved to Rose’s side, while Poe’s hand came to rest on the small of Rey’s back. It felt wrong, but she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, and let it rest there. She longed to reach out to  _ him _ , just to feel his power rippled across their bond, but she couldn’t. Not then. Not there. 

 

“Let’s get you to a shower and a change of clothes. Leia’s resting right now. I’ll take you to her when you’re finished,” Poe announced, putting some pressure on her back to move her away. 

 

Rey, exhausted from the journey, and the emotional spiral that had come before it, she allowed Poe to guide her from the tarmac, but held on to Rose’s hand, pulling her along with them. Rose glanced quickly at Rey and caught a strange look in her eyes. tightening her fingers threaded with Rey’s, she let herself be led with them. Finn followed at close distance, his mind trying to process this new Rey that had returned to them. He wasn’t sure what was different, and he wasn’t force sensitive, but he knew his friend, and something had happened to change her. 

 

They had reached the warren of hallways that doubled as a barrack’s when Lt. Connix ran up to them. 

 

“Commander Dameron,” she huffed to catch her breath. “General Organa has just woken up.”

 

Rey startled, and quickly stepped from Poe’s guiding hand.

 

“Take me to her. Please,” she interrupted.

 

“But Rey, you just arrived. Don’t you want--”

 

“I can shower later. I need to see her.” She stood her ground.

 

“Rey, she’s weak. I don’t--”

 

“Poe, I need to see her. And I will go against any order you voice.”

 

“Commander… General Organa was asking for Rey.”

 

Poe looked from Connix to Rey. Rey gave him a pointed look and stepped forward to follow Connix. Poe acquiesced to the two women, following them into the barracks and through the twisting halls to the med wing. 

 

As they walked, Rey took in her surroundings. The antiquated buildings and equipment, mixed in with the newer technology, brought in from allies who had finally reached the small band, that was left of the Resistance.

 

There were more people at this base than on Arisaig. Some of their allies must have met at this base and come to help rebuild. So many faces she didn’t recognize. Faces that looked at her blankly as they went about their routines. This was no longer the family she had left. No longer the small close knit band of fighters who had looked after one another. This was an army. 

 

“Rey, she is very weak. Don’t let her keep you too long. She won’t admit it but she has to sleep.” Poe ordered as they stopped before a sliding door. 

 

Laying his hand against the panel on the wall, Poe opened the door and let Rey enter first, following her closely. Connix, Finn and Rose remained in the corridor. Rey paused for a moment, trying to prepare herself for whatever Leia looked like. But nothing could prepare her for the frail woman that was dwarfed by the narrow white medical bed. She stepped beside the bed and waited for Leia to notice her. 

 

Leia turned her face to her new visitors and Rey knew exactly what she was thinking when Leia’s dark eyes made contact with her own. The frown between Leia’s brows grew as she tried to lift herself to sitting. The medics ordered her to say calm, and helped to prop her up. 

 

“Why are you here?” were the first words out of her mouth when she was finally sitting and comfortable.

  
“I--” Rey began.

 

“Poe, I thought I told you that she was not to return. I thought it made it clear that you were not to tell her or call her back.” 

 

Her voice was weak, but it still carried the command it always had.

 

“General, I know that you--”

 

“If you know then why is she standing here before me?” 

 

“General, I felt--” Pow began explaining his reasoning. 

 

Rey watched the back forth between them for a few minutes before she spoke.

 

“ _ He _ told me to come,” she said softly, her eyes focused solely on Leia.

 

Those words were enough to take the wind out of the generals sails. She sat back, against the pillows and took a deep breath. 

 

“All of you… leave us,” Leia ordered. 

 

The medics dutifully departed but Poe began his argument.

 

“Unless you want me to get up from this bed and spank you like a spoiled child, Commander Dameron, you will leave now.”

 

Rey blinked as she looked from the General to the Commander, and remained silent. Finally Poe backed down, and slowly walked out of the room. She felt the weight of Leia’s gaze once the door shut behind him.

 

“You look well, Rey.”

 

“So do you, General.”

 

“You’re a terrible liar, girl,” Leia tried to laugh. “Come sit by me.”

 

She patted the bed and Rey tentatively walked over and perched upon the edge.  Leia studied her, taking everything in.

 

“You look sad, Rey.”

 

“I’ve… I’ve missed you all,” she stumbled over her lie, trying to smile.

 

Leia gave her a weak smile. “You  _ are _ a terrible liar, my dear.”

 

Rey’s smile fell slightly. “I did miss you.”

 

“But that’s not where the sadness is coming from. Is it?” Leia called her out.

 

Rey shook her head, looking down at her hands clasped in her lap. 

 

“Did he hurt you?”

 

Rey’s head came up sharply, her eyes fierce. “He would never!”

 

Leia seemed to relax slightly. “No. I didn’t think so. But he came to you. Of that I am glad. It gives me hope.”

 

“I wanted him to come with me,” Rey said softly.

 

Leia reached out, placing her care worn hand on Rey’s young, strong ones. She looked at her sadly, her eyes held all of the regrets she had never voiced.

 

“There was no way that could have happened. Even if he had wanted to.”

 

“He’s not lost, Leia. He’s not completely gone. There is still light inside of him. I’ve seen it.”

 

Leia leaned back against the pillows, closing her eyes. Rey could see the fatigue written on her face. Caught the slight wince of pain as her lips tightened. Saw the resignation in the set of her jaw. 

 

“I… we… found a balance. Together, we found a harmony. We were just learning it all. Just exploring how we fit together.” Rey tried to explain what had happened on the island.

 

“Was he… Did he… speak of…” Leia could not voice her questions. 

 

“We spoke very little of his family. Of your family. Most of our conversations were focused on our bond through the Force. On why we were connected. On how we were going to continue on, bonded as we are. 

 

“We studied, and talked. We discussed the Jedi and the Sith, the Old Republic and the Empire, the Resistance and the First Order. We spoke about politics, and belief. We read, and trained, and…” 

 

She cut off her last words, looking away from the mother of the man who knew her body better than she did herself. 

 

“Do you love him?” Leia asked, turning her eyes, her son’s eyes, fully on Rey.

 

Rey swallowed. It was a question she hadn’t dared to face. A question she didn’t want to contemplate. Because if it was true. If she did love him, then that meant she had given him everything, and had put in his hands, the very thing, the only thing, that could destroy her. 

 

“I…” Rey tried to speak.

 

Leia waved her hand. “Don’t answer that. That wasn’t a fair question.”

 

“It was the question of a concerned mother.” Rey looked up at Leia, placing her hand on Leia’s knee.

 

Leia pinned her with her stare. “It was the question of a dying woman who wants any hope that her only son is not lost forever.”

 

“Are you?” Rey whispered.

 

“Am I what? Say it, my dear.” Leia pushed Rey, so like her son in that respect.

 

“Are you dying?” A tear slipped down Rey’s cheek.

 

Leia closed her eyes for a moment again. “As much as I would like to deny it, yes I am. My little jaunt into space, seems to have done more damage than originally was determined. My organs are failing. My body can just not keep functioning to sustain life.”

 

She was so matter of fact about it, so clinical, that at first Rey wasn’t sure if they were talking about. But as her words began to sink in, Rey took a deep breath. She slid her hand along the bed, and slipped it beneath Leia’s.

 

“Mistress Rey, it is time for the General to rest.” One of the med-droids glided over to them.

 

Rey shook her head. “I am no one’s mistress. Just Rey, please.”

 

“Nevertheless Mistress. The General must rest.”

 

Rey nodded, and moved to stand. Leia grabbed her hand.

 

“I can sleep when I’m dead. Let the girl stay,” she argued.

 

“You need to rest. And I need a ‘fresher and a bed. Send for me when you wake. We can talk more then.”

 

Leia studied Rey, and wasn’t at all surprised to see a woman had returned in the place of the child who had gone away. Releasing her hand, Leia smiled gently at Rey.

 

“Go my dear. Take care of what you need to. I’m not ready to leave just yet.”

 

Startled by the blunt address of her health, Rey gave Leia’s hand a quick squeeze before she released it and stepped away to make room for the med-droid. She waited, watching as Leia closed her eyes and her body relaxed in sleep. Quietly, she slipped from the room, only to be met in the hallway by Poe.

 

“How is she?”

 

“Tired. Weak.” Rey offered.

 

“Do you think--”

 

Rey cut off his question. “I don’t know. She is not the same though.”

 

Poe nodded silently. Neither of them ready to discuss what they both knew was the most likely outcome.

 

“We’re all going to the mess, to get some food. Do you want to join us?” Poe asked.

 

“Thank you, but I think I’d like a shower and a soft bed right now,” she declined.

 

Poe nodded. “Come on, I’ll show you to Leia’s quarters. She would want you to have some privacy.”

 

Rey stopped. “No. I can’t. It wouldn’t be right.”

 

“She would insist if I asked. Don’t argue the point.”

 

Rey allowed his words to sink in before she moved to follow him again. When he stopped before a metal door and pressed the button for it to open, Rey waited to follow him in. The room was spartan. It was the room of a princess who was that in name only. The mantel never sat comfortably on Leia’s shoulders, and she insisted that her title of general be used above any other. She was a soldier through and through.

 

To Rey, who had never had any creature comforts until she had landed with the remainder of the Resistance on Arisaig, the quarters were nearly luxurious.

 

Turning to Poe, she held herself ridgid. Hoping she would not fall apart before he left the room. “Thank you. Please, let me know when she wakes.”

 

He nodded, stepping close to her, taking her hands. “It’s so good to have you back, Rey.”

 

She gave him what she hoped was a genuine smile. “It’s good to be back. Even under the circumstances.”

 

“We’ve all missed you.” He squeezed her hands gently.

 

Trying not to appear rude, she slowly slid her hands from his. “I think I’ll shower and get some sleep.”

 

“I’ll have someone bring your bags to you.” He dropped his hands. “Get some rest.”

 

He turned and left the room, the durasteel door sliding closed behind him. Rey released a breath, her shoulders slumping. Tears burned the back of her eyes. Leia was so much worse off than she imagined. There was not much time. And there was no time to convince Ben to somehow visit his mother before she passed.

 

It was all so overwhelming. And as hot tears slid down her cheeks, she wrapped her arms round her middle, her stomach clenched with anxiety. She was so alone, even among all of these people she called friends. The one person she needed was lost to her. A galaxy away, headed on a collision course with fate.

 

“You’re never alone darling,” his voice said gently from behind her.

 

Spinning she cried out. He stood before her in his uninterrupted black, although his cowl was missing, his skin like alabaster but the bruised smudges were gone from beneath his eyes. His hair was mussed around his strong features, and his full lips were pursed. She wanted to run into his arms. Wanted to bury her face in his chest and sob until he made it all right again. Until the world stopped spinning out of control.

 

“Ben.” His name came out on a breath.

 

“I could feel your distress across the galaxy. I couldn’t stay away.” His voice was apologetic. 

 

“You promised. We promised. We agreed not to do this.” There was desperation in her voice. 

 

“You’re hurting. I can’t ignore that.” Came his argument.

 

“Of course I’m hurting. But seeing you makes it hurt all the more.”

 

“Should I go?”

 

“No!”

 

“No?”

 

“Please don’t. Now that you're here… stay?”

 

He did not respond with words, but she could feel is power envelop her. His cool darkness soothing her battered heart. He moved closer to her. Close enough for her to feel his power hum along her skin. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply. Reaching out, her hand stopped just before contact. Opening her eyes she found his closed. Her hand hovering a breath above his skin.

 

“I feel your absence so strongly.” There is gravel in his voice.

 

“So do I,” she whispers.

 

They are both silent for a moment. Savoring the small contact. And then he speaks.

 

“Have you seen her?” He could not bring himself to speak her name.

 

Rey nodded slowly, watching him carefully.

 

“Is she… How is she?”

 

“She--” Rey began but paused, knowing he could tell if she was concealing the truth.

 

“She’s not well, Ben. I think it’s only a matter of time. Her will to live is strong, but her body is failing her,” she said softly.

 

He listened and she felt him pull back from her. She knew he was trying to shield her from the torrent of emotions raging within him.

 

“Don’t. Don’t hide from me. We both know it won’t work. I won’t let you.”

 

“I’m…” he began but stopped. Knowing he could not lie to her.

 

“I know you care for her. She is your mother, Ben. Once she is gone…” Rey broke off.

 

“I am alone,” he finished.

 

“You told me once that I was not alone.”

 

He looked up, meeting her eyes. “And you told me neither am I.”

 

“And you’re still not. That has not changed.”   
  


He studied her before he spoke.

 

“You are mine, as I am yours.” He reached for her cheek.

 

She closed her eyes, praying that she would feel the heat of his hand against her skin.

 

“Forever,” she whispered, putting everything that she was into that single word.

 

Rey waited, eyes closed, knowing before she opened them that he was gone. Pushing the back of her hand against her mouth, she muffled a sob. Squeezing her eyes shut, she fought against the tears that threatened to fall.

 

Opening her eyes, she rose and made her way to the refresher. Turning on the water, she peeled off the clothes she had been wearing for days, letting them fall to the floor. Stepping in, the hot water stung her skin, but it took her mind off the pain in her heart.

 

She scrubbed her hair and body with the medicinal smelling soap. She didn’t care for it, preferring the scent of the soap on Ben’s ship. It had a softer, more organic scent, then the sharp acidic smell. Showering quickly, she stepped from the fresher, drawing a towel around her. It was rough texture, but softer than anything she had used in a long time. She found a robe, of the softest fabric, hanging on a simple hook near the door.

 

Sliding it on, she tied it at the waist. Glancing down, a smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. The robe that should have hit her ankles, just skimmed her calves. It brought to mind the disparaging height difference between the general and herself, and then the height difference between Ben and herself.

 

Shaking herself from her maudlin thoughts, she moved back into Leia’s rooms. She found her bags neatly laid by the door, and a tray of food waiting for her on the small table. Walking past the table, she pulled the robe tighter around her and crawled onto the bed. Curling up, she closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip, to stifle the sob that tried to slip through her lips. 

 

The tears slid through her lashes. She could taste the salt of them on her lips. Her body shook with the sobs she tried to stifle. The exhaustion won, as it pulled her into the darkness of sleep.

 

_ He was there, in the darkness. His strong hands on her bare skin. The scrape of his rough jaw as his lips brushed against her throat. His hard thigh pressed between her own. She sighed into his mouth as she pushed her body against his. _

 

_ She wanted him. Ached for him to fill her. To be connected to him completely. She slid her legs around his hips as he pushed into her heat. Her moan was caught in his mouth. Her hands fisted in his hair that hung around them. He growled as he sped them toward the edge of oblivion. His name on her lips broke what little control he had left. His final thrust had her crying out as she broke apart in his arms.  _

 

The her name being yelled muffled through the door and the banging woke her with a start.  Her body trembling, she pulled a blanket over her and called for her intruder to enter. The door slid open, and Poe rushed in.

 

“What is it?” he gasped, his eyes scanning the empty room.

 

“I… it was a dream,” she explained.

 

He nodded as he finally looked back at her.

 

“It was only a dream,” she whispered to herself.

 

As he took her in, her flushed cheeks and slightly glazed eyes, Poe felt like an intruder. He had seen that look before. That slightly stunned, fully satisfied look of a woman who had been bedded well. And since she was completely alone, he realized what her cry had meant.

 

Backing to the door he spoke, “I heard you cry out.”

 

Rey frowned slightly. She had taken in her surroundings as he had led her to Leia’s rooms. They were quite isolated from the other quarters.

 

“You were outside my door?”

 

“I was… checking on you.” He fumbled for an answer.

 

She caught the tell-tale blush on his cheeks. He hadn’t wanted her to know he was checking on her.

 

“You don’t need to check up on me, Poe. I’m fine,” she said, throwing her bare legs over the edge of the bed and sitting up straighter.

 

Poe shook his head and stepped toward her. “Leia would want me to keep an eye on you.”

 

It was Rey’s turned to shake her head. “Leia would want you to take the helm, and lead the Resistance. Not be a nurse maid for me. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”   
  


She looked away from him, pulling the blanket over her legs. Looking up again, he had moved closer.   
  


“But I do worry about you, Rey. I care about you. I want to keep you safe.”

 

He was now sitting beside her. His earnest eyes looking into hers. Rey felt her heartbeat quickened. She understood what he was saying. But she had no answer. How could she tell him the truth? That though she cared for him, she had given her heart and body to another. 

 

That the man who came between them was his childhood friend, turned enemy. That the one man who set her body on fire, was the one who could tear the galaxy apart. That she was not complete without his darkness around her. 

 

She pulled in a breath and placed her hand on his where it rested on his thigh. “Poe, I care for you too. But you have so much on your shoulders. You don’t need to worry about me.”

 

A soft rap came from the door, causing them both to jump. Turning, Rey called for the person to enter. The door slid open to reveal Rose. Poe jumped to his feet. Rose stepped inside, her eyes scanning from one to the other. 

 

“Rose,” Rey said, genuinely happy to see her friend, and relieved the conversation with Poe was at an end.  

 

“I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

 

“You didn’t,” Rey was quick to assure her.

 

“Is everything alright?” Poe asked.

 

“The General is awake. She is asking for you both.”

 

Rey stood quickly, glancing around. “I need to dress.”

 

“I’ll wait outside,” Poe moved past Rose to the door.

 

The door closed behind him, and Rey and Rose’s eyes met across the room. Rey moved to her bags and pulled out her cleanest clothes from within. Dropping the robe, she quickly pulled on her clothing, while Rose turned away.

 

“He’s missed you,” Rose said softly.

 

Rey turned to her. “I’ve missed him too. I’ve missed you all.”   
  
Rose turned. “It’s not the same, Rey. You know that.”

 

Rey nodded, glancing away. “I know. I just can’t--”

 

“You don’t have to explain to me. I just want you to be aware of his intent.”

 

“But I do, Rose. I do need to explain. To you, to him. I just can’t. Not now, not yet.” Rey was pleading and almost frantic.

 

“When you’re ready, Rey. When you’re ready.”

 

Rey nodded, her lips pressed together. She sat, quickly pulling on her boots, and stood again.

 

“Let’s go.”   
  


Rose followed her into the hallway to find Poe leaning against a wall. Pushing off and pulling his hands from his pockets, he threaded one through his hair.

 

“I’ll take her down, Rose.” Poe deftly slid between them. 

 

Rose caught Rey’s eye and her look spoke volumes. Rey lowered her eyes briefly in acknowledgement. 

 

Rose nodded, turning away from them. “I’ll come by with dinner later. We can talk more then.”

 

Rey nodded, watching Rose walk down the hall before she turned and followed Poe away from her quarters. They were silent for a while until Rey spoke.

 

“When did you decided to leave Arisaig?”

 

She could feel him pause mid-step for a fraction of a second. He glanced at her, slightly turning his head.

 

“It was shortly after you left. Leia and I discussed the possibility of having to move. She planned everything out. When she fell into the coma I felt it was the best course of action.” He defended his move.

 

“And the reason you didn’t share that information with me before you left?”

 

“I had to be careful, Rey. You know that. Especially with Leia in a coma. I had to protect our location.

 

“I know the First Order found Arisaig shortly after we left. If I hadn’t made the decision when I did… If I had waited to contact you… We would not be having this conversation.

 

“You have to know you were always a thought in these decisions. I would never have left you out there alone.”

 

She glanced down at her feet, knowing he was telling her the truth, but still somehow hurt that he didn’t trust her. And then the thought that if he knew her truth, he would never trust her again.

 

He took her hand, causing her to meet his eyes. 

 

“You know that, don’t you?” His voice was nearly pleading.

 

“I know.”

 

He nodded and stopped in front of the door leading into the medical room Leia was in. The door slid open and they stepped in, Poe first and Rey following. They found her resting on the same bed, tubes now attaching her arm to the numerous bags of fluid held above her bed. Leia glanced at the two of them before sighing deeply.

 

“There was a time when a summons from me was answered quickly,” she quipped.

 

“I’m sorry. I had fallen asleep just out of the refresher. I had to dress or arrive in your robe, which you can imagine was slightly indecent.” Rey apologized.

 

A rough laugh came from Leia. “Indecent. Remind me to tell you about the time I was a prisoner of Jabba the Hutt and what I was made to parade around in.”

 

She glanced, side eyed at Rey and smiled at her confused face. Leia gave a gravely chuckle.

 

“But that’s a story for another time. Today, I have something else to discuss with you.”

 

“Yes?” Rey stepped closer to the bed.

 

“You need to go to Ilum. You need to find a kyber crystal to build yourself a lightsaber.”

 

“But I have Luke’s lightsaber. I--”

 

“You will not be able to rebuild that saber, Rey. The crystal is shattered, there is no repairing it. You will need to find a new kyber crystal and build yourself a new lightsaber. Ilum is where the Jedi used to go to find their Kyber crystals.”

 

“There is also Christophsis and Jedha,” Rey answered softly. Remembering names from the texts she and Ben had studied.

 

Leia looked sharply at the girl, holding her gaze for a moment. “Jedha City was destroyed years ago by the original Death Star, just before the end of the Galactic Empire. The crystal caves might still be there, but the Temple of the Kyber is gone. Destroyed along with the Guardians of the Whills,” Leia mused.   
  


“But I don’t know how to make a lightsaber. There is no one to--” 

 

She cut off her sentence at Leia’s intense look. It was as if she could hear the General’s voice in her head saying one word. Ben.

 

“Poe I need you to prepare the navigational charts for Rey. She will need to go as soon as possible.”

 

“I’ll accompany her,” he announced as he turned to leave.

 

“No.” It was a command.

 

Poe turned to Leia with an argument on his lips. 

 

“I need you here, and Rey needs to do this alone. It’s how it was always done by the Jedi. A right of passage Luke told me.”

 

“I see,” Poe responded although it sounded like he really didn’t want to see any of it.

 

Leia nodded. “Good. Now go.”

 

Another order that Poe had no choice but to follow. As the door shut behind him, Leia turned her steely gaze on Rey. 

 

“You will go as soon as possible.”

 

Finally standing her ground, Rey spoke. “I will not leave you like this. I can’t. I promised  _ him _ .”

 

“Don’t worry dear. You won’t break your promise. I won’t be here much longer.”


	24. Yes I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has returned to the bosom of his Knights of Ren, but the homecoming isn't what it once might have been. There is much he now must hide from them, and their trust in him has been shaken. Somehow he must make them understand his connection with Rey without causing a bigger rift between them. He needs to sway them to his side once again, by any means necessary, or he will have to destroy the men he once called brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello out there to any of you who are still reading along on this journey. I hope the time between chapters hasn't made you abandon our space lovers. It has become a bit harder to get out chapters every week but 2 in one month will have to be my best right now. In this chapter we see Ben's side of his departure from Rey and the things he must face alone. And you also will begin to meet his Knights of Ren. They are a motly crew, but I hope you will enjoy meeting them as much as I have creating them.
> 
> Kisses to all of you who are still here. And please let me know what you think. 
> 
> Comments + Kudos = LOVE & LIFE

: Chapter Twenty-Four:

 

As his ship broke atmosphere, the red glow of the sky filled his vision. Black clouds crowded the horizon. Rivers of lava surged along the surface, winding through rock formations of obsidian.

 

At one time this view was a balm to his tortured soul. But now, he saw it through different eyes. Through her eyes. And all he saw was death and destruction. A world controlled by the locus of the Dark Side of the Force concentrated beneath the the towering castle his grandfather had built. 

 

That castle had once been a haven for him. A place where he came to help obliterate the light inside of him. He would wander the caverns beneath the castle. The dark places where the Jedi who had escaped Order 66 were taken. Where his grandfather had kept them for torture, interrogation and death. He would meditate down there, using the locus to focus his power.

 

But now that locus slammed against his mind. Searching for a way past the walls he had built to protect that small ember that still glowed deep in his soul. It pushed at him, causing him to slam up his mental shields even more. That light was for her and her alone. No one would be able to touch it. The pressure of the Dark Side was intense, causing him to tighten his shoulders in defense. He found a dull throbbing had begun in the base of his skull.

 

His anger grew as the locus of the Dark Side buffeted against his mental walls. He had not felt like this in a long time. Not since he had found her on Ahch-To. His anger had dulled. The sharp edge of it worn away by her. Feeling it again had the nausea rising in his throat. 

 

What this what it had always been like? This pressure, this anger, this desire to destroy? Had he given himself to the Dark Side because it had been easier than fighting for the light? Because it had been easier to fall into all of those feelings of disappointment, and loneliness? Because he couldn’t remember anymore. 

 

He needed her. He needed her power humming against his skin. Needed her touch, like the rain in the desert. Only she could soothe this pain. Only she could help him control this anger, welling up inside. He needed her. She was his salvation.

 

Against his better judgement, he took a deep breath and pushed out with his power. Searching through the galaxy for the only thing that felt real to him anymore. Brushing up against her power, he felt a calm envelop him. Releasing his breath, he closed his eyes and tried to relax into her. He could feel her turbulent emotions. Could feel her loneliness. And he ached for her. For himself. But he knew that it had to be this way. That in order for them to stay together, they had to part. 

 

He could feel himself being swept along with her into the downward spiral. He could taste her anger and fear, acidic at the back of his tongue. But he could not sink into that darkness, and he did not have the luxury to remain with her much longer. 

 

As his ship slid quietly into the hanger and he found 6 figures waiting for him, he gently slid from her mind. Feeling the connection dim, like a blade being slowly inserted into his heart. The hatch opened and he descended into the acrid air of Mustafar. Before him stood his knights. Their faces unmasked, and each carrying a different expression.

 

“Supreme Leader Ren. It is good to see you. We have been awaiting your arrival.” Jor Ko spoke first, stepping forward and inclining his head respectfully towards Ben.

 

Ben gave an almost imperceptible nod as he took in all of his men. He had never seen them in this light before. With these eyes and this mind. Would they continue to follow him? To stand beside him when he told them about her? When he revealed his plan for the galaxy? They had followed him up until now, because their beliefs and ambitions had aligned with his. Would they continue, even though Rey had changed everything?

 

“We have much to discuss. We will meet after I have reviewed my communiques from the First Order.”

 

They all gave a nod of acquiescence, but two were slower than the rest. He caught the defiant glint in Varon Kell’s eyes, and the intent, almost invasive stare of Thane Nass. He made a mental note to quash Varon’s defiance the moment he had a chance, but was curious as to Thane’s thoughts.

 

Thane was a highly sensitive empath and could sense subtle currents in the Force that others, including himself, tended to miss. Because of this, although trained, Thane kept away from the fray of battle, becoming something more of a confessor for the group, especially Ben, whose actions sometimes hung heavy on him.

 

Making note to speak to him privately later, Ben made to head to his rooms within his grandfather’s castle.  

 

“May I walk with you, Supreme Leader?” Thane’s voice made him pause. 

 

Glancing back at him, he gave a curt nod, and continued his stride from the hanger. Ben would have thought the shorter man would have had to race to keep up with his own long strides, but he seemed to glide along next to him. They were both silent as they moved down the hallway that ended at the lift to his rooms.

 

Ben had made it only 20 feet into the hallway before Thane spoke.

 

“You have found what you have been searching for.”

 

Ben could not disguise the hitch in his step. Thane had a way of asking questions by not asking. And his statements were always layered with nuances. All of his knights had been told the same story - he was leaving to concentrate his efforts on routing the last of the Resistance, while his army could return, with full power, to the front.

 

He remained silent and waited for Thane to continue.

 

“The Force has changed around you. It flows differently now. More... fluid. Calmer.”   
  


Again Ben says nothing. He has never been able to hide anything from Thane. And Thane had always kept his confidence. But this was different. She made it different. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to share her with anyone. Not even his confessor.

 

They stopped before the door of the lift and Thane turned to him.

 

“For give me, Supreme Leader. Your fear for her is tangible to me.” Thane spoke, looking up at the man who towered menacingly.

 

Ben glared down at him. The door to the lift opened and he stepped inside. He held the other man’s eyes.

 

“Get in,” he growled.

 

Thane slid in next to him, as the door shut on them.

 

“You don’t know what you speak of.”

 

The Force rolled off of Ben in waves. Crashing into Thane. Physically pushing him back as Ben’s bulk crowded him. Yet the other man remained calm.

 

“I can feel traces of her power within you. Around you. It moves with yours, dancing with it to a harmony I have never heard before.”

 

“She is none of your concern.” Ben pushed his power against Thane. Forcing him against the wall of the lift.

 

Unafraid, Thane stood his ground. “She is your concern, Ren. And you are mine. So, she is mine.”

 

“She is no one. She is nothing.” He heard himself saying.

 

Everything within him screamed to keep her hidden, to keep her safe. She was his. His to protect, his to shelter. 

 

The doors of the lift opened into his private chambers. Thane looked from the open doors to Ben.

 

“Come, let us talk, Ren.”

 

Ben suddenly deflated, his shoulders slumping. Thane allowed him to enter the rooms first and followed at a respectable distance. They moved into the room and both sunk into chairs opposite each other. Ben gripped the arms of the chair, his black gloved fingers digging into the butter soft leather, trying to control the anger rising in this throat. Trying to calm the fear pulsing at the bottom of his skull. They sat in silence. Each man waiting for the other to speak. 

 

Chaos skittered through Ben’s mind. The weight of a constant throb that was slowly moving from the back of his head to settle behind his eyes was beginning to wear at him. But he could not reveal her. They would not understand the bond he shared with her. They would not understand how he needed her. How she understood him in a way no one ever had. How they belonged to each other. How she was everything to him.

 

“Your turmoil is seething from you. You were never unable to talk to me before, Ren.”

 

“I can’t… How do I… There is no way to make you understand.” Ben could not formulate a thought.

 

“You will speak. I will listen. It does not matter if it makes sense to me. It does not matter if we go around in circles. You need to release this.”   
  


Sucking in a deep breath, Ben released it through his nostrils.

 

“Snoke was right,” he blurted out.

 

Thane tilted his head, looking at Ben. “There are many things he was right about. And many things he was not.”

 

“She is the light to my darkness.” He began.

 

And once he began, he found he could not stop. He told Thane everything. From their first exchange on Takodana, to the interrogation and how she slipped past his mental walls, and eventually the final battle on Starkiller Base. He tried to explain the bond they shared while she was on Ahch-To with his uncle. How she would appear to him. How her hatred and anger slowly turned to something else. How his indifference and apathy slowly became something else. His pulse rose as he told about the battle in the throne room, and then he paused.

 

Should he go on? Did he want to reveal what happened next. How he had offered her everything. The Empire. The galaxy. Himself. And she had refused him. Did he want to reveal what had become of them when he finally found her again.

 

“You are Force bonded with her. And you were able to bridge the distance of the galaxy to physically touch her?” Thane said softly, when Ben paused.

 

Ben nodded, remembering that night. They had both been so achingly lonely. Abandoned by the people they had put their faith in. They saw in each other someone who understood the pain and the fear. Someone who understood that bone deep loneliness.

 

“There is more you want to tell me,” Thane said softly.

 

Ben looked carefully at him.

 

“Six months after Crait, she opened the Force bond again. And she let me go to her.”

 

Once again, Ben found himself telling Thane almost everything that happened between them. And even though he did not give details about their intimate encounters, he knew that Thane understood it had happened. When Ben finally fell silent, he felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

 

“You have very strong feelings for her. She balances you. Your connection, the bond you have forged together is your greatest strength and yet it can be your greatest weakness.

 

Ben’s eyes quickly flickered to his face.

 

“A Force bond is very rare. They are normally only cerebral, a link connecting two people's minds, and have more of a deja vu quality. But your bond with her became physical. You were able to bridge the distance of the galaxy and touch each other. That is something completely new. And then you have been intimate with her. That in itself is very powerful for a Force user, but for you, it has sealed your bond. Sealed it to the point where not even death will be able to break it.”

 

Ben started at the mention of death. His mind swirled in panic, adrenaline surging through his veins. The throbbing pain was returning. But Thane’s soothing voice continued.

 

“She makes you stronger, Ren. Look at how you were able to break free from Snoke’s hold on you. That was because of her. I can feel how she has changed you. How your Force signature used to be so chaotic and fractured. It is her influence that has brought yours to a balance. I can feel the thread that binds you to her. And I know that if I saw you together, your Force signatures would be in harmony.”

 

Ben listened and tried to settle Thane’s words within himself. Finally calm enough to speak, he took a few cleansing breaths.

 

“Swear to me that you will not utter this conversation to anyone.” His heavy gaze held Thane’s.

 

“I have never revealed anything you have told me before. But now you need assurances. She means that much to you.” 

 

“She means everything to me. And I will protect her with my life. I will do whatever I have to, to keep her safe.”

 

“Even become swallowed by the darkness again.” Thane’s voice was slightly surprised.

 

“Even that,” Ben assured him.

 

Thane nodded. “Very well. You have my word as your Confessor and your brother in arms, that I will reveal none of this conversation or anything I have learned about her to anyone.”

 

Ben gave a curt nod, and then did something quite unexpected. “Thank you, Thane Nass.”

 

“You are welcome, Kylo Ren. I only wish I could get to meet this woman.”

 

Ben closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb. “Perhaps. In time you will.”

 

“You are tired, Ren. I will leave you now. Rest. We will be ready when you call us to meet.” Thane stood and bowed his head to Ben.

 

His exit was silent, and when Ben opened his eyes again, he was alone. He wasn’t sure if he could trust Thane with what he had revealed, but he had needed to unburden himself to someone. He only hoped that Rey would have the same relief. Neither of them could place their trust in just anyone. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, he thought.

 

Leaning back in his chair, he closed  his eyes again and reached out for her. They had promised each other that they wouldn’t do this. That it would be too hard being apart and seeing each other this way, but he just needed to feel the warmth of that connection. To bask in the golden glow of her power, even if it was from the peripheral. 

 

But when he found her, the spiraling distress and fear he felt from her had him bridging the bond and revealing himself.  

 

“You’re never alone, darling,” he said softly, as she appeared to him.

 

.

 

“Forever,” she whispered on a breath.

 

He clung to that word. His eyes closed, refusing to face the reality that the moment had passed, and he was now facing an empty audience chamber instead of her. It was foolish to wish for just one more moment with her, but he did. He dreaded the confrontation with his men. He knew they were not all as clear thinking as Thane. And he knew it was fruitless to hope for the best. He had known these men for a long time. There was very little he didn’t know about them, and very little that could change them.

 

Although, he mused, he had thought the same of himself. Until her. She was the catalyst. The awakening. His awakening as well as hers. Yes, that was how he saw his life. As if before her he had been asleep. Living some kind of waking nightmare. And he had finally woken when he touched her hand.

 

Shaking himself from thoughts of her, he stood. He could not have her in his head when he met with his knights. He needed to be ruthless. To fall back into the darkness from which he came. Because if they even suspected a hint of light before he swayed them to his side, this would go very badly. And he has no stomach for killing men he had called brother for so long. But to protect her, he would.

 

He made his way from his audience room to his private rooms. Sitting down before his terminal, he typed in his encrypted pass codes and leaned back to watch. Vid after vid of Hux, each one more sneering than the last, reporting his progress with subduing the last resisting planets. Requesting over and over that he return. Whining about why Ben’s knights haven’t responded to his summons. Typing in a code, he deleted every last one and sat back in his chair.

 

He was exhausted and ached to be back with her. His mind and body were at war with the locus of Dark Force energy that was a constant bombardment to his senses. But he needed to strengthen his mental walls, and bury the light that had begun to grow within him. He needed to become the monster she had once accused him of being.

 

_ "You are a monster," Rey said, the remembered terror marked her face. _

 

_ The words had lanced through him like a knife. Because as much as he wanted to deny them he knew he couldn't. _

 

_ "Yes, I am," Kylo said, and there was no menace in his voice -- only misery. _

 

Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply, and began to wrap midnight tendrils of the Dark Side around the light that he needed to protect. Layer after layer he pulled the darkness around the light until even he wasn’t sure that it was there.  Then he took that nexus of light and dark and, buried it deep within him. Down in a place where he kept his darkest secrets and desires. 

 

Opening his eyes, he breathed deeply again and rose from his chair. It was time. Headed back through his audience room to the lift. The lift took him down to the throne room that sat on the ground floor. The obsidian throne that was situated on a dias in the center of the room, sat over a river of lava that ran under the castle. Climbing the stairs, he waited a moment before he settled himself on to the hard stone of the throne his grandfather had built. 

 

At one time he had sat in this spot and let himself drown in the presence of the Dark Side of the Force. He struggled to destroy the light that was forever calling to him, and give himself completely to the dark. And now, he found himself trying to bury the light that she had help grow, to protect it from what was to come.

 

.

 

Kylo Ren sat on the obsidian throne and watched the men enter. First Varon Kell, the wild card, his rogue brother in arms. Followed by both Jor Ko, his muscle, and Altair Rhys, his healer. Sai-Has and Daos Shen glided in one by one next. The former being his far reaching assassin and the later his master spy. Thane Vos finished the group. His eyes always studying the others.

 

He sat with an air of indifference. Knees spread, slightly slouched, leaning back and to the side. His elbow supported on the arm of the throne and his head resting on three fingers. He made them wait, pushing at them with his power. Focusing the locus of the Dark Side of the Force through him, battering their defences. Looking for fractures in their mental shields. 

 

He could feel them fortifying their walls. Not pushing back, but holding him at bay. And as suddenly as he began his attack, he stopped. He watched as both Jor-Ko and Altair Rhys slumped slightly in relief. The tightness around Sai-Has’ eyes released. Even Daos Shen seemed to breathe a bit lighter. Only Varon Kell and Thane Vos showed no outward sign of relief.

 

Sitting up a bit straighter, Kylo Ren glanced at each one of the men in turn.

 

“You called me to return, Varon. Now tell me why I am here.” His deep voice rolled through the room.

 

All eyes turned to the man who stood before him with a taunt in his eyes and a twisted smile on his lips. Kylo Ren had little patience for him when he was like this. 

 

Varon and Kylo Ren had found a fellow outcast in each other.  While Kylo Ren’s violence and anger stemmed from his childhood issues with his absentee parents and the weight of his power, Varon’s penchant towards violence and anger came from a childhood of over indulgence and negligence. They had made a pair. The dark brooding Kylo Ren and the golden boy Varon Kell. 

 

But there had always been a push pull to their relationship. Kylo Ren was more powerful in the force. He was more knowledgeable in Jedi lore and even Sith. But Varon wanted a place of power. Even if it was only by the side of the most powerful Jedi that any of them had ever known. The other padawan gravitated towards the two of them. Kylo Ren because of his immense power and Varon Kell because of his magnetism.

 

And yet, they never truly fit together. Kylo Ren’s brooding intensity, was overshadowed by Varon’s showboating antics. But when the time came, Varon bent the knee to the Kylo Ren. He was under no illusion as to who was more powerful. And a place by his side was better than at then end of his lightsaber.

 

“You are here, Supreme Leader, because your galaxy is being controlled by a rabid cur, who is seeking to undermine your authority. And you are more worried about chasing around after the vestiges of the Resistance, and that scavenger girl. A girl who is not worthy of your attention, but has managed to best you three times.

 

“It is beginning to become clear that your personal agenda is risking your control of the galaxy.”

 

The last was sneered at him. Kylo Ren could feel the anger rise up in his throat. The adrenaline pulse through his veins. He didn’t think, he just lashed out. Sending a shard of his power stabbing through their minds.

 

They staggered backwards. Thane and Altair dropped to a knee. He lashed out again. This time more focused, aiming the shard at the four men still standing. Both Jor-Ko and Daos Shen bent their knees to him. Another blast and Sai-Has went down.

 

HIs black eyes bore into Varon. He could see the man struggling under the weight of the force he kept slamming into him. All thought for mercy was gone. His one drive was to bring Varon to his knees. To make him bow. To seem him scrape and grovel for his insolence.

 

His anger was a sharp metallic taste in the back of his throat. His vision was in black and white, with edges tinted in red. He had released the monster within, and he would not be satiated with mere capitulation. He demanded subservience.  He took umbrage at Varon’s implications and now needed to assuage his wounded ego. No one would be allowed to question him. No one would challenge him. This was his legacy. His birthright. They stood in his grandfather’s castle. And he was Supreme Leader.

 

His power shot from him like a spear, directly into Varon’s mind. Shattering his well built walls and stabbing into the dark recesses of his conscious. Varon fell to his knees. A guttural cry pulled from his throat. He dropped to his hands as Kylo Ren, rose from this throne, and stalked into the middle of the room to tower over the man.

 

“No one will question my orders, or motives. Not even you Varon Kell.”

 

Varon reared up grasping at phantom fingers clutching at his throat.

 

“You will mind your tongue, brother. Or I will remove it from your head.”

 

Varon fell to his hands again, as Kylo Ren released him. His steely gaze touched upon each of the men.

 

“Do not think that because I have acquired the scavenger for our purposes that I have gone soft.  _ We _ need her. But I need no one. So If you think to betray me, I will not hesitate to destroy you.

 

“I led you on this path we have chosen. Our brotherhood was forged in the fires of the Jedi Temple. We flourished under the teachings of Snoke. Everything I have done. Every choice I have made has been towards the ultimate goal that we have designed. A new order, a new galaxy. Nothing has changed in that respect. And if the methods I have used to go about attaining that goal have changed, that is not for you to question.”

 

His eyes cut sharply to each man kneeling before him. Weighing and measuring their reactions, their decisions. Because he knew in the time that he spiraled back into the darkness and lashed out at them, they had chosen the side they would stand on. And although it matter not to him, as long as she stood by him, he needed to know where their loyalties lay.

 

No one raised their eyes, let alone their face, to him. They remained on their knees.

 

“Get out of my sight. All of you. And remember where your loyalties lie.” His growl echoed through the silent throne room.

 

They stood, one by one. Altair and Thane stepped forward and lifted Varon to his feet. And with an obedient bow of their heads, they turned and filed out. Varon hung between them, barely able to walk with their support. 

 

Once they were finally gone, Kylo Ren staggered, reaching out for some kind of purchased. The darkness still pulsed through him, causing bile to rise in his throat. He needed to be alone. Needed to pull himself from the depths he had allowed himself to sink into. Inching his way to the lift, he pressed a button and it moved him up to his private rooms.

 

Moving from the lift, he inched his way to his bed, collapsing on it when he finally reached it. Trying to steady his breathing, he slowly began to unpeel the layers of Dark Side Force he had wrapped around his light to protect it. Each layer he removed was as if one more weight was lifted from his chest. Each layer he removed, allowed the light to burn a bit brighter. Until all the layers were pulled away and the light pulsed to his heart beat.

 

But his mind still swirled in chaos. He needed her. He needed the warmth of her. He needed the hum of her power against his skin. The vibration of it through his veins. He closed his eyes. Reaching out, into the Living Force, he found the thread that connected the two of them. It pulsed with a golden light. And instead of tugging on it he followed it.

 

_ She was there, in the light. Her soft hands grasping him to her. Her nails scraping down his sides as he pressed between her thighs. The curves of her slender body pressing into his hard planes. Her sigh of contentment mingling with his own breath. _

 

_ Gods he wanted her. Ached for her to bring him back to himself. To be anchored to something so light and pure. Her strong legs slid up around his hips and he sank himself into her heat. He caught her moan in his mouth, smothering his own. His fingers dug into the soft skin of her hips at he sped them towards the precipice. He could feel their power meld, her light combining with his as it grew brighter and brighter. His final thrust shatter him. Their light exploding outwards like a supernova, dispelling all of the darkness into the shadows. _

 

Only with her, could he be what he was meant to.


	25. Traitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!! Well, it's been a bit over a month but I've managed to get this one finished in time. And in a few weeks I'm on vacation!! And vacation means lounge chair, umbrella, pool, tablet and time to write!!! So we might get lucky and get 2 chapters close together. WOOHOO! 
> 
> Our space lovers are still apart, and Rey has to face the unimaginable, alone. I tried my best to show the pain of loss, without becoming sappy. I would love to know what you think. All of your comments help me become a better writer, and I love to know what you like and don't like. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! And remember COMMENTS + KUDOS = LOVE!!! XOXO KISS, KISS

:Chapter Twenty-Five:

 

There was a buzzing in her ears. The breath was tight in her chest. The room seemed to swim before her eyes. She reached out to steady herself but found no purchase to lean upon. Leia’s worried face floated into view.

 

“Sit down. I can’t catch you if you fall, dear.” Leia’s voice slowly broke through the panic.

 

Sucking in a deep breath, Rey blinked, and glanced around for a place to collapse. Finding nothing near, she turned back to Leia to see her pat the bed beside her. Stumbling forward, she leaned onto the bed to hold herself up.

 

Her head spun with the implications of what Leia had just revealed. Her hands pressed into the white sheet, her eyes trying to focus on something, anything. Her breaths came out in panicked gasps. Closing her eyes, she began to calm her racing pulse as she tried to slow her breathing. Reaching out into the Living Force, she drew upon it, using it to calm her racing thoughts.

 

“Rey,” Leia spoke gently. “You knew this was inevitable. I need you to come to terms with this. You out of all of them.”

 

“But I thought there would be more time. I thought you would be able to see this to the end. I thought… I thought I could bring him home to you.” Rey rushed out.

 

Leia gave her a sad smile. “My dear girl. You have such hope. Even now, that everything has fallen apart, you still hope. And that is why I know I can go.”

 

“But no! No, you can’t. The Resistance needs you. Who will lead them? Who will guide us?”

 

“I am leaving all of that in very capable hands. You have no need to worry.”  


“But Poe, Poe needs you. You are the only family he has left. And who will help Finn wade through the political waters. He needs you.

 

“And I need you! I can’t do this without you. I’ve finally found my family and it’s slowly being torn apart. I keep losing vital parts of it. I can’t lose anymore. I can’t handle that.”

 

Leia reached out and laid a hand on her pale cheek.

 

“But you must. For _him_ , you must.”

 

Rey tore her gaze from Leia’s eyes, _his_ eyes, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. She knew Leia was right. And even as her mind rebelled against the idea, she knew she had known it all along. As her world fell apart, her thoughts went to _him_ , knowing he would need her more. Because no matter how much he wanted to deny it, this was going to send him spiraling into the darkness.

 

“He says he doesn’t care. That there is nothing left that can be said. Nothing that can heal the break. But I know he is lying to himself.”

 

She looked back at Leia. She suddenly appeared old to Rey. The lines around her eyes seemed deeper. Her skin more translucent. Her bones more fragile. Her eyes, now trained out the window, glistened with unshed tears.

 

“I never wanted children,” Leia admitted softly.

 

“I was terrified when I found I was pregnant. I had no experience with children. And while my adoptive parents were loving and nurturing, my birth parents were another story all together.

 

“Han was… well he was Han about it. He’d deal with it when he had to. And until then he basically avoided all mention of it.

 

“But as the baby, Ben, started to grow within me, I could feel his presence. Even then his Force signature was strong. And being able to feel him became a comfort to me. Knowing that the conscious, that would sometimes flutter against my mind, was my child, this life I had helped to create, was soothing.

 

“He was so perfect when he was born. Han fell in love with him immediately. He would sneak him out of the nursery and walk him around the Falcon, whispering to him of all the adventures they would go on together.”

 

A sad smile lifted her lips as a tear slid down her cheek.

 

“We were so happy then. But things started to change rapidly as Ben grew. He was so powerful, but he was still so young. And he could not control this power. Han became afraid of him. Afraid of his own son. Although he would never admit it.

 

“He began to distance himself. He could not relate to Ben, and as his power manifested, Han was away more and more. I was wrapped up in my politics and Ben. I didn’t notice Han’s discomfort. Or maybe I just didn’t want to.”  


Leia stopped speaking, her eyes looking far away again. Rey waited, silent, taking in the story she had never heard before. Sliding her hand under Leia’s, Rey gently held it. Leia’s gaze tracked from the window to the young woman next to her.

 

“He was a happy baby. Even as a child he was full of light. But his power manifested itself so quickly, and Han’s absence began to take its toll on both Ben and me. He became sullen and withdrawn. And I buried myself in my work. And the more I was away, the more difficult Ben became. The more difficult he became, the more work I took on.”

 

There was a catch in her voice, and Rey squeezed her hand.

 

“It was my fault. My absence that sent him to Snoke. If I had only thought about how he was hurting when Han left. About how our absence affected him. About when he needed. I was consumed with my own loneliness and grief.”

 

Rey shook her head. “You can’t think like that. And Ben wasn’t a child when he destroyed the Jedi Temple, and turned to Snoke. He was a grown man.”

 

Leia blinked at her. “You can’t twist this to take the blame off of my shoulders.”

 

“No, I can’t. But you do not get to hold a monopoly on blame. Both Han and Ben must share the burden too. Please, don’t let your last moments, be ones of regret. You have done so much good in your lifetime.”

 

Leia smiled. “You are wise, my dear. I hope my son will listen to your council.”

 

I hope so too, Rey thought, as she smiled back at Leia.

 

“Ben has a stubborn streak a galaxy wide. He had no chance really with Han for a father and me as his mother. But he always had a desire to see every angle. His mind was analytical. Always asking questions. Always asking why.”

 

Rey stared at her, knowing exactly what Leia was talking about. She has discovered those very qualities in him herself.

 

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing,” she said softly.

 

Leia sighed, her eyes drifting back to the window. Her face seemed to soften, her grip on Rey’s hand loosen. Panic rose in Rey’s throat. She needed to try. If this was the end, she needed to at least try.

 

Closing her eyes, she reached into the Living Force, finding the thread that bound them across the galaxy. Slowly, she followed it, tugging ever so slightly. She could feel his power vibrating along the thread, erratic and barely controlled, but he did not open his power up to her.

 

More determined, she tugged harder, sending her power humming along the thread. And suddenly he was there, looming over her. His darkness wrapped around him, pulsing from him. He looked awful. The dark bruises were back beneath his eyes. His skin look nearly translucent, and pulled taunt over the sinew and bone beneath. His eyes were haunted and distant.

 

“Ben,” Rey whispered, shrinking away from him slightly.

 

“Rey?” His brow furrowed as he blinked at her, stepping backward.

 

Leia turned her head slightly, her brows pulled together. “Ben?”

 

At the sound of her voice, Ben’s head jerked to her. His eyes widened in disbelief and then narrowed as he turned back to Rey.

 

She stood quickly. “Ben-”

 

“I told you, no. I told you there is nothing to say.” His voice was low and hard.

 

“Please, just hear me out.” Rey began to plead.

 

“You don’t get to play games,” he growled.

 

“This is not a game, Ben. There is no more time. She is only holding on for you.” She could barely force the words past the knot in her throat.

 

He paused as if her words confused him. Rey reached out to him, afraid of touching him, yet needing to feel him solid and real beneath her hand. She watched as his head swiveled toward the woman in the bed. He could see her. Rey saw the pain cross his face.

 

He glanced back at Rey. “Can she…”

 

“I can see you.” Leia’s eyes took in Ben’s face.

 

Rey felt ready to collapse. Her breath escaped her lungs and she felt her whole body trembling. As he moved ever so slowly towards the woman who held his full attention, Rey called on every fiber of her being to move away and give them privacy. Finding a chair she collapsed into it, turning her back on them. Closing her eyes, she felt the hot tears trail down her cheeks. She did not know how long she sat, trying her best to ignore the soft murmur of their voices, but she suddenly felt a tug on the thread.

 

Turning, she found both of their attention on her. Ben held his hand out, waiting, his face a map of pain and hope. She rose, finding the will to move toward them and reach out for him. When their hands touched, the completeness flooded through her. Her fatigue of trying to hold onto the solidness of him from across the galaxy faded as his soothing darkness spread through her. She took in his face, the sadness she had never seen there before. The strength of a man trying to hold his world together. The desire and need he only showed her.

 

He turned back to Leia as his hand slid around her waist, and pulled her into his side.

 

“Mother… I…” he didn’t have the words.

 

Leia’s head rocked slowly on the pillow. “I know, Ben. I know.”

 

She reached for Rey’s hand, Ben’s already clasped in her other. “I can feel it. Feel the balance you bring to each other, and to the Force.” Her voice rasped from her dry throat.

 

“Don’t lose this. Don’t let it be destroyed by power and greed. _This_ is what life is all about.”

 

The knot in Rey’s throat threatened to suffocate her as she tried to suppress the sobs that choked her.

 

“I love you, Ben. I’ve always loved you.”

 

Her eyes closed as her last sigh slipped from her lips. Rey started, and then watched in awe as Leia’s body slowly began to disappear, leaving only her night dress and the sheets she had lay under. Rey’s mouth hung open, staring silently at where the General once lay. Turning in Ben’s arm, she found him hunched over, head bowed.

 

“Ben, I’m so--” She began, lifting her hand to his cheek.

 

He jerked away, glancing up at her. His eyes haunted. “Don’t. I can’t do this. You don’t understand. I need to go.”

 

And as suddenly as he had appeared to her he was gone. Rey thought she could hear her heart fracture, a she collapsed to her knees, and let her cries free. She felt more than heard the door behind her slid open and Poe rush in. She could hear when his booted feet stopped in surprise, and she lifted her heavy head to see him.

 

He took one look at her face and his body physically slumped.

 

“Where is she?” his voice was desperate.

 

“She’s gone.”

 

“What do you mean she’s gone? Where did she go? Where is she?”

 

The desperation had turned to panic. He advanced on Rey.

 

“She’s gone. She passed into the Force. She’s… gone, Poe,” a sob escaped.

 

“She passed into… What? What are you talking about? Why didn’t you come and get me? Why wasn’t I here in the end?” His voice rose.

 

“I… We… I couldn’t. I needed to be here. With… her.” Rey stumbled over the truth.

 

“And don’t you think I needed to be here? That I wanted to be here? And what about the rest of them? Finn, and Rose, and everyone else?”

 

“Poe, I’m sorry. I couldn’t. I _needed_ to be here. I can’t explain it all, but--”

 

“Why can’t you explain it? Leia was like family to me. I wanted to be with her at the end. I wanted to be there for the last person I can call family. And you _needed_ to be here? Who are you? You’re no one. You’ve known Leia for a few months. I’ve known her my whole life. What gives you the right?”

 

The anger exploded from him. Rey sat up straighter, wanting to move away. There was no way to lie her way out of this, or to explain the truth to him. It had been kept a secret for too long, and now there was no easy way out. Her eyes left Poe’s face and locked on the opening door. Finn and Rose rushed in followed closely by Kaydel Connix and Larma D’Acy. Rey stood, wiping her face with the back of her hand.

 

“Where is General Organa?” Lieutenant D’Acy glanced around the room.

 

Poe straightened, and turned to her. “She’s gone. Passed into the Force, according to Rey.”

 

His voice told them all that he barely believed what he was saying and the anger radiating from him was palpable.

 

“According to, Rey? You say that as if you don’t believe me? Where do you think I could hide her? What could I possibly have done with her body? I’m sorry I didn’t come and get you Poe, but as I have said, I needed to be _here_.”

 

“Why?”

 

His direct gaze and the question had her pausing. She glanced at the other’s knowing exactly what she would see. Each waited for her to answer. Rey’s heart sunk, and her pulse beat rapidly.

 

Sucking in a deep breath, she released it and tried to stand taller. The time had come and she was not prepared for it.

 

“I had to stay… because I brought Ben to her.” Her voice cracked as she said it.

 

Poe blinked at her, and Finn shook his head.

 

“You brought _who_ to her?” Finn asked.

 

“Ben, her son.”

 

Pow stepped backwards in disbelief. “You mean Kylo Ren.” His head swung around, trying to find where the man could be hiding.

 

“Wait, what? I’m not understanding this at all. Leia’s son is Kylo Ren, and you somehow brought him here?” Rose finally spoke up.

 

“It’s not like that.”

 

“Then what is it like? Because to me, it sounds like you brought the Supreme Leader of the First Order right into our secret base.” Kaydel stepped forward to stand beside Poe.

 

Rey’s eyes tracked from each one of their faces, as she tried to find the words to explain what had happened.

 

“I’ve had a connection to, Ben Solo, since he interrogated me on Starkiller Base. We somehow bridged each other's minds and formed a bond that has allowed us to communicate over distances nearly impossible to fathom,” she began.

 

“You have a direct link to Kylo Ren?” Rose whispered in disbelief.

 

“To put is simply.” Rey’s head fell.

 

“Simply is the best way to put it. And now tell us why any of us should trust you? You could be sharing information with the First Order through this link!” Poe cut in.

 

Her head snapped up in anger. “I would never! That’s why I left Arisaig. Leia and I decided that it was for the safety of the Resistance and my own. I’ve never shared any information with Ben.”

 

“Ben. You keep calling him Ben. But he hasn’t been Ben Solo for many years. Call him what he is. Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.” Poe shouted.

 

Finn looked at her, hurt from her betrayal in his eyes. “Tell me this isn’t true, Rey. Tell me you didn’t hide this from me. From us.”

 

Rey closed her eyes as fresh tears began to slide down her cheeks. “I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell anyone. Even Leia told me to keep it a secret. She said you wouldn’t understand.”

 

“It’s true? He almost killed me.” She could hear the hurt in Finn’s voice.

 

“This is what you were trying to tell me the other day,” Rose whispered. “When you said you needed to explain.”

 

Rey nodded, unable to speak. Hiccuping slightly, she tried to swallow another sob.

 

“You need to go,” Poe announced suddenly.

 

“Wait,” Finn said quickly.

 

“Poe, you don’t meant that,” Rose jumped in at the same time.

 

“No. He’s right.” Larma finally spoke up.

 

Everyone turned to her. They all began to speak at once, but she held up a hand for silence.

 

“If this bond, this link, is true, then you being here is a threat to us. To the rebuilding, Resistance. You said so yourself, even you and Leia knew it was a risk. You staying here is only putting us in danger.”

 

“I would never give up our location or information! And Ben would never…”

 

“Maybe not intentionally, but intimacy breeds trust. Whether is it deserved or not.”

 

Rey’s face turned bright pink, and Poe’s eyes widened as the realization hit him hard in the chest.

 

“He was with you on Ahch-To. You gave yourself to him. You let him touch you. To…” Disgusted, Poe cut himself off.

 

“That is none of your business, Commander Dameron. What I do and who I do it with is for me and me alone to decide.” She snapped at him.

 

“Not when it holds the balance of so many lives as the consequence. And sleeping with the enemy makes you a traitor.” He bit the last words out.

 

Rey felt as if she had been punched in the gut. The air in her lungs burst out of and she couldn’t catch her breath.

 

“That is cruel,” she whispered.

 

“Not if it’s true,” came his callous reply.

 

“He is not the enemy, Poe.”

 

“Maybe you can easily forget that he held me captive. Tortured me. Held you captive. Tortured you. Killed his own father and countless others all in the name of the First Order and the snake who had pulled his strings. But to me, that is pretty much the definition of an enemy.”

 

There was silence for a long pause before anyone spoke.

 

“Go, Rey.”

 

She turned slowly to Finn, who had spoken. “Finn, I--”

 

“It’s for the best. We can’t trust you now. And I can’t imagine you trust any of us.”

 

“Finn!” Rose cried softly.

 

“You were headed out anyway. I know Leia had told you to go repair the saber. Maybe that would be the best thing right now. For everyone.”

 

Rey bit her bottom lip as new tears coursed down her pale cheeks. “Finn,” came her whispered plea.

 

“Everyone’s temper is high right now. We need to diffuse the situation and this is the best way.

 

“So collect your things, and go.”

 

His words pierced her heart more than Ben’s disappearance had. Finn, her first friend, was abandoning her. He had given up on her. The pain of that realization stung more than any she had experienced before.

 

Holding her head high, she moved through the group, their eyes boring into her back as she exited the room and tears blurred the image of the hallway before her. She heard Rose call her name but she did not stop. She couldn’t. She had to keep moving. Keep her eyes trained on the duracrete floor before her. Because if she faltered, if she fell, she would never be able to pick herself backup. Never be able to do what still needed to be done.

 

“Rey!”

 

Rose’s voice came from behind her, closer now. But Rey continued. Catching up to her, Rose sped up her jog to Rey’s hurried gait.

 

“He didn’t mean it. He’s just hurting. First Leia and now to find out this. It’s so much all at once. Please, he’ll change his mind. Don’t go.”

 

Rey didn’t halt her movement, or turn to look at Rose. “I must. It’s what’s best for everyone. Besides, I don’t know if Poe will ever forgive me. And honestly, I don’t know if he should. I don’t know if any of you should.”

 

“Don’t say that. Of course they’ll forgive you. They are your friends.”

 

Rose touched her arm, trying to get her to pause in her frantic march to her rooms.

 

“Then my time away will allow everyone to think more clearly. And if not, then it’s better if I leave immediately.”

 

Rey finally paused outside her rooms. Turning to Rose she glanced down at their now clasped hands.

 

“Thank you for believing the best about me. Anything I’ve done has always been with the best intentions.”

 

And with that, Rey spun, entering her rooms and letting the door slide closed before Rose could follow her. Gathering her meager belongings, she shoved everything into her carry sack and glanced around her, Leia’s, rooms.

 

The first half of her life had been all about waiting. And now this part had become all about leaving.


	26. What You Started

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! I'm not sure if there is anyone still out there reading, but hello! *waves* Well this was 2 days short of a month between posts. Vacation was lovely, but all that downtime I thought I'd have was nonexistant. Although the time in the car allowed for a lot of writing. 
> 
> Well, this chapter kind of fell together. It was strange because at one point Ben was talking to me in second person and I wrote a whole section like that. I went back and had to fix it. I know we've experienced Leia's death from Rey's POV, but I've also given it to you from Ben's. I hope I convyed the struggle he was having at the time.
> 
> Well enough dithering, I'll throw in some end notes, so you can all get at it. 
> 
> Remember! Comments + Kudos = LOVE

:Chapter Twenty-Six:

 

The constant din was wearing on him. Fraying his nerves. He couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Could barely think. The sound pounded against his brain. He was in constant pain. In a constant state of nausea.

 

And yet, he knew there was no noise. No real noise, besides that of the Dark Side of the Force. That silent but constant white noise, that permeated the planet, the catacombs, the castle. He thought he would be able to control his reaction to it. Thought he would be able to resist it’s power. But he had been very wrong.

 

Snoke had been right. He was weak. A boy in a mask. A pathetic child. He could not do this without her. He was nothing without her. Grimacing, he clutched at his head. Digging his fingers into his temples. Pressing his thumbs against his eyes where the pain throbbed.

 

This was wrong, all wrong. He could not need her. He could not rely on her power. Could not crave her by his side. She made him vulnerable, and he could not show that face to his men. He needed the monster, not the love sick boy.

 

But he was terrified to loose the anger and pain inside of him. Afraid he would become lost to the darkness, without her light to bring him home. 

 

The pain grew worse as his mind swirled in torment. He knew there was only one way through this torture, but did he dare walk it alone? The beep from his door had him spinning and growling out his assent to enter.

 

The door slid open to reveal Thane. He hesitated, seeing the state this his brother was in. Ben turned from him, pacing the room and rolling his shoulders to try and work out the knots his headache was causing.

 

“May I enter, Supreme Leader?” he asked respectfully.

 

Ben glared at him over his shoulder. “I said as much.”

 

“I wasn’t sure if I should take your growl as assent to enter or to put my head into the rancor’s maw,” he tried to release the tension.

 

Ben let out a huff through his nose, turning away from Thane again. He continued his pacing, as Thane moved into the room and the door slid shut behind him. He stood, his eyes following his leader.

 

“Why have you come?” Ben ground out.

 

Thane took a deep breath. “Your power is out of control, Ren. I can feel it fracturing through the castle. What is wrong?”

 

Ben stopped his pacing to glare at Thane for a long moment before he began again.

 

“If there is something I can do for you… Something I can aid you with…”

 

“You’re right. I am out of control. You’ve said yourself I’ve changed. Because of her, I’ve changed. I’m not the same man who left. I don’t want to return to the man I was. Yet, I have to be him. Because if I don’t, I can’t do what needs to be done.”

 

Thane nodded, listening to his words, but hearing more than what he was saying.

 

“You told me, you would do whatever you needed, to keep her safe.”

 

“And I will. My fear is that when I release the monster within myself, I will not be able to find myself again. That I will lose myself to the darkness, and she will be lost to me forever. Or even worse, that I will be lost to her.”

 

“Do you fear that she will not forgive what you must do. Or that she will not be willing to lead you back to the light?” Thane asked softly.

 

Ben stopped, his back to Thane. His hands, at his sides, fisted and released. His eyes closed, imagining her face,  her eyes.

 

“Take your pick. And why  _ should _ she forgive me again? I’m forever destroying her trust in me.”

 

“If she loves you, she will understand.”

 

“Love? You are a fool if you believe in an idea as ephemeral as love.”

 

Thane remained silent.

 

“How is Varon?” Ben asked after a while.

 

“He is… healing. Resentful. Fearful of you and your power.”

 

“As he should be.”

 

“If your goal was to solidify your place as Supreme Leader through fear and torture, you accomplished that.”

 

He turned to Thane slightly. “The others?”

 

“They are both rejoicing their master has returned and grumbling about your new focus, in equal measure.”

 

“Do any of them side with Varon?”

 

“There will always be descent. Right now, no one is willing to side with Varon, for fear of your wrath. But that doesn’t mean they will not.” Thane answered honestly.

 

Ben turned away, his fists clenching at his sides, the muscle in his jaw standing out against the flesh of his cheek. He needed time. Time to think. Time to plan. This wasn’t something he could rush into headlong without it blowing up in his face. But time was a luxury he didn’t have.

 

If he waited too long, his knights would begin to question his motives. Hux was already taking advantage of his prolonged absence. But if he rushed his plan, they would balk at his decisions and mutiny would be next.

 

The fate of the galaxy balanced on the edge of a knife. One wrong move in any direction, would have everything sliding into chaos. And everything he hoped to accomplish for her would be gone. Burned up in the inferno that would ensue.

 

With his head a chaotic web of thoughts, he almost missed the first soft tug on the thread of their bond. His body froze, as his eyes flickered to Thane. Now was not the time, he thought, ignoring the invisible pull. He tried to hear Thane through the rushing sound in his ears. Tried to focus on his voice, but could only see his mouth moving with no sound.

 

“Leave me.” His voice was a strangled growl.

 

Thane blinked at him. “But we have not--”

 

“I said, leave me. Now.”

 

The tug was more insistent. The rushing sound now throwing off his equilibrium.

 

Thane bowed his head. “As you wish, Master Ren.”

 

As Thane backed out of the room, Ben’s glare made him pause.

 

“I am not to be disturbed, Thane. Make that very clear.”

 

He gave a tiny nod. “Yes, Master.”

 

And as the lift doors closed on Thane, Ben allowed the connection to open, and she was there before him. She looked pale. There were new dark smudges beneath her light eyes. He sees the stress written in her posture, the pain and grief marking her features.

 

She whispers his name and he can tell she is almost afraid of what she sees. He frowns, stepping away from  her. Trying to make his towering presence not so menacing. 

 

And then he hears it. A voice he thought he would never hear again. His eyes immediately search for her, and he curses himself, and Rey. Rey speaks his name again. This time he hears a soft note of apology.

 

He tried to reign in his emotions, but the sound of her voice has set his world toppling down. He can feel the anger rising up, choking him. Rey had trapped him. He admonished her. His voice hard and low. Her face was afraid. Tears glisten in her eyes. She pleaded with him. More soft words, more tearful looks. More games. She didn’t get to play games. Not with this.

 

And then the words were echoing through his brain. And his heart stuttered in his chest. His breath caught in his throat.

 

There is no more time.

 

Rey reached for him. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted her to bridge the bond or not. He turned his focus to the woman lying in the sterile bed. He tried to speak but she beat him to it. 

 

“I can see you.” Her dark eyes searched his face.

 

She was like the sun and he was helpless to resist the pull toward her. Before he knew it, he stood before her, close enough to embrace. Or destroy.

 

Her eyes studied his face. The face of her son, blending into the face of her husband.

 

“Hello,” she said, her voice almost gentle.

 

“Hello.” His voice was too loud. Too harsh, even to his own ears. 

 

“I don’t know what to call you. You have preferred Kylo Ren, to your given name, for some time now.”

 

It was a jab, he knew. But he expected nothing less from her. And it was a half hearted attempt. As if she too was searching for some familiar ground to stand upon.

 

He studied her before he answered. The fine lines that spiderwebbed from the corners of her eyes. The deep frown grooves slashing down from her mouth. The regret that shadowed her eyes.

 

“You have always called me Ben, Mother.”

 

Her lips curled softly. “It is good to hear you call me that again.”

 

He gave her a clip nod, but said nothing.

 

“There is so much that need to be said. Too much time that has gone by. Too many deeds have taken us in different directions. But I cannot let this moment pass without speaking my heart.”

 

Ben swallowed hard, but his eyes never left hers.

 

“I have so many regrets when it comes to you, Ben. But you don’t need to hear them. Regrets are for those who have the time to change them. I do not. So I must only tell you the things you  _ need _ to hear.”

 

“I love you, Ben. I have always loved you. From the moment your conscience fluttered in my mind, I have loved you. I have loved you through your best and your worst moments. Even when your choices broke my heart, I loved you.”

 

Love. Four letters. Such a small word. Nothing really. And yet, it could be everything. He watched her. The grief and regret passing across her expressive features.

 

“I’m not telling you this because I want your forgiveness. We are too far gone for that. I’m telling you because you need to know, love is not a weakness.”

 

She paused, her eyes drifting to Rey, sitting hunched in a chair across the room. His gaze followed his mothers, allowing himself to caress the curves of her body. Even that simple act calmed him.

 

“Loving her will be your greatest strength.” The words were for his ears only.

 

His gaze jerked back to Leia. There was fear there, but also truth. He tried to hide it from her, but she was too shrewd to miss it. Lifting her hand, she took hold of his. 

 

“She is strong, Ben. She will be the catalyst that helps bring balance to the galaxy, to the Force, and to you.”

 

“She is--” He broke off, unable to express that kind of emotion.

 

Leia nodded, and they both turned to look at the young woman, who had brought them together. Ben sent his power down the thread to her. Tugging slightly to get her attention.

 

He watched as she turned, her light eyes meeting his dark. Slowly he lifted his hand to her, as he had once before. He knew he could not hide from her. He could not mask the pain, the fear, or the hope. She moved toward him. Their hands finally clasped and her light chased his shadows. Her eyes held something he had never seen there before. An emotion he could not name. Sliding his arm around her waist and tucking her into his side, he turned back to Leia.

 

He wanted to tell her. To let her know he regretted his actions. That he would put things to rights again. That he knew how important Rey was, to the galaxy, and to him. But he did not have the words.

 

Leia rocked her head on the pillow, and even that slow movement took effort. He didn’t need the words, she knew his heart. He watched as she she reached for Rey’s hand. He could feel the Force surge through him as the contact connected the three of them. He had felt nothing like it before.

 

No matter how strong the Dark Side had been, this was a deluge compared to a trickle. He did not want to let it go. Did not want to lose this feeling of completion, of balance.

 

His mother spoke, but he could not hear her words for the rushing in his ears. This was not happening. Could not be real. And yet, he knew it was.

 

“I love you, Ben. I’ve always loved you.”

 

He heard the last sigh pass through her lips, as she slowly slipped away, into the Force. Suddenly, his hand was empty. Just her night dress, lay upon the bed she had so recently occupied. He felt the emptiness stronger than a physical blow.

 

He knew Rey had turned to him. Had tried to console him. But that was not what he needed. He didn’t need her light. He needed to slip into the darkness that the pain drew. The darkness would serve him now, not the light.

 

Rey moved to touch him, and he shrank from her.

 

“Don’t. I can’t do this. You don’t understand. I need to go.”

 

He willed her to understand, but knew she wouldn’t. And the guilt almost made him stay, But in the end he did not. He let go of their link and found himself alone, back in his private audience room.

 

His anger swelled within him. The pain, overcoming any sense of reason he still might have had. Drawing his lightsaber, he lashed out at anything that was around him. Nothing was sacred and nothing was spared his wrath.

 

.

 

He heard the beep of the door, and the electronic hiss of it sliding open, but had no strength to care. He knew who entered, by the absence of footfalls on the obsidian stone floor.

 

“Have you come to see the disaster your master has become?” he growled but did not look up.

 

“The others were curious when we felt you lash out with your power. I was elected as the one least likely to be attacked and sent me to discover what has happened.

 

“So I am awaiting my fate, be it at the end of your sword now, or at the end of this journey you have set us on.”

 

Ben finally gave Thane a side-eyed glance and then looked away. 

 

“I’m not going to kill you.” His voice was filled with gravel.

 

“Yet, if I had entered earlier, you would have destroyed me along with the contents of the room.” Thane observed, glancing around at the wreckage.

 

“Perhaps,” was all Ben would concede.

 

“No matter how far we run, we can never escape our past.”

 

Ben looked at him sharply. But there was no pity in Thane’s eyes. Only an understanding.

 

“My mother is gone,” Ben said, his eyes trained on his hands before him.

 

“You care.”

 

Ben shook his head to deny it. “I didn’t think I would. I didn’t want to.”

 

“Yet, you do.” Thane righted a chair, that seemed to have survived Ben’s rage, and sat.

 

“You are not surprised at my revelations. Nor are you angry at my feelings for a woman I once denounced and forsook. Why is that?”

 

Thane dragged his eyes from the disaster Ben had made, to his masters face. His head tilted and brow furrowed as he studied Ben.

 

“You do not know.”

 

Ben resisted the urge to growl at him. “I’ve just said as much.”

 

Thane gave him a small smile. “It was never Snoke or the First Order that I believed in. It was never Kylo Ren or the Supreme Leader that I followed. It was you. The man who saved my life at the temple. The one who saw my gift as worthy. The one who trusts me enough to reveal all of his demons too.

 

“I am here because of you. My loyalty is to you.”

 

Ben looked away, unable to deal with the weight of responsibility Thane had just placed on his shoulders.

 

“I don’t know if I am worthy of your loyalty.”

 

“Once you were sure of yourself. Snoke destroyed that,” Thane observed.

 

Ben looked at him sharply.

 

“You cannot show them this face. They will devour you if you do. You  _ must _ find the strength to finish what you’ve started.”

 

The silence in the room became suffocating. Thane had given him an ultimatum. Become Kylo Ren again, or lose everything he had sold his sole for. Ben turned fully to him. Setting his shoulders, he clenched and unclenched his hands.

 

“I thank you for your council. I will take it into consideration. Bring me Varon.”

 

“Supreme Leader.” Thane stood.

 

“I want to see Varon Kell. Either you, or one of the others will bring him to the throne room. Now.”

 

Thane could not fathom what Ben had planned. He had managed to control his emotions, to the point, that even an empath of Thane’s caliber could not read him.

 

Thane nodded. “As you command, Supreme Leader.”

 

He felt the weight of Ben’s stare. No, not Ben Solo. He was no longer that. It was the gaze of Kylo Ren that fell upon him now. The eyes of a man who would do anything to fulfill his desires.

 

“See that it is done with haste, Thane Voss. I don’t want to be kept waiting.”

 

With a quick nod, Thane turned and left the room. He was alone now, with all of his demons. Alone with the voices that would not be quieted. His mother was gone. He had pushed Rey away. He was falling apart and he could not pull all of the pieces back together. His carefully constructed world was up in flames. 

 

Without a backwards glance at the destruction he left in his wake, he headed for the lift that would bring him down to the throne room.

 

.

 

Once again, Kylo Ren sat on the throne. His head rested against the tall seat back. His hands splayed on the stone arms. Fingers rubbing along the carved grooves. His eyes opened as the door slid to reveal Varon, followed by Jor Ko and Altair Rhys. Kylo Ren did not move, though his nostrils flared slightly.

 

Varon moved slowly, each step measured. He paused before he collapsed to his knees in front of the throne. Kylo Ren still had not moved, only allowing his eyes to follow Varon’s walk into the room.

 

“Leave us.” His voice echoed.

 

Jor and Altair glanced quickly at each other before they bowed to him and backed out of the room. Kylo Ren finally moved, lifting his head to focus completely on Varon. Leaning his head on the fist of one hand, he tapped the fingers of the other slowly on the arm of the throne.

 

“Here we are, Varon. Just you and me.”

 

Varon lifted his head slightly to see him. His golden crown of hair hung lank and damp in his eyes. He held himself stiff and breathed shallowly.

 

“Is that so you have no witnesses this time?” he rasped out.

 

Kylo Ren chuckled mirthlessly. “Witness or no, if I wanted you dead, you would be.”

 

Varon straightened a bit. “Then why have you called me before you and sent the other’s away?”

 

Kylo Ren studied him silently. The absence of speech was oppressive, and Varon shifted uncomfortably.

 

“You believe that I have betrayed you. You think I have lost control of Hux. You doubt my intentions with the scavenger.” His voice scraped against Varon’s ears.

 

“Perhaps you have reason to question. Or, perhaps I have not divulged my entire plan to you or anyone. Perhaps I have not let Hux’s leash go, but gave him enough rope to hang himself. Perhaps I have seduced the scavenger in order to wipe out the Jedi order completely.

 

“There can be no Jedi Order if the last Jedi rejects the order. But you accuse me of forsaking you. You accuse me of becoming soft. Of losing focus of our goal

 

“Could it be you that lost focus, Varon? Could it be you who is so unwilling to bend, you would rather break? I promised you a new order. An order that was not the Empire, that was not the First Order. Have your limitations shortened your view of our ultimate goal?”

 

Varon’s rigid posture slumped slightly, his gaze sliding from Kylo Ren, to the floor before his knees.

 

“Forgive me, Master. I should not have doubted you.” Varon whispered.

 

Kylo Ren leaned forward in his throne. His dark eyes focused with laser precision on Varon’s bowed head.

 

“No, Varon, you should not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and commenting. 
> 
> I am in the process of doing research for an original novel, and unfortunately that has to take preference over this lovely fic. So I'm going to be sticking to posting once a month. I'm thinking about posting chapters of my original novel that will be of the scifi/fantasy genre on Wattpad. But I will definitely let you know if and when I do. 
> 
> Otherwise I will be here, plugging away at this fic for you all until our space lovers decide when it will come to an end. 
> 
> Much love. Kiss, kiss, XOXO


	27. The Answers You Seek Are Not Behind You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear readers. I've missed you all so much!! I have to offer one million apologies to you all. These past two months have been chaos. My oldest baby entered middle school this year and then made the middle school soccer team. So not only have I been busy with work, and life, but now I've been sitting on the sideline of a soccer field almost everyday. So that, and a terrible case of Writers Block has had this chapter half way done for 2 months. 
> 
> Well, the other day I finally had a moment, actually a full day, to sit and write and words started actually coming and making sense!! Now I can't promise any regular posting, and while this chapter isn't chock full of action or smut, it get's us where we need to go. So, that being said, I hope you enjoy it. And send vibes out into the universe that the voices keep talking, the words keep coming, and the rain holds off so soccer is over until Spring!!! 
> 
> Sending my love to you all. And remember comments + kudos = LOVE!! 
> 
> Please leave your thoughts or even a little hello so I know you are still out there and reading this drivel! 
> 
> Kiss, kiss. XOXO

:Chapter Twenty-Seven:

 

The hanger was strangely quiet as she approached. Word of Leia’s death had spread quickly through the encampment, and almost everyone had returned to the buildings to grieve among friends. 

 

Just thinking the words had squeezed her heart. She was leaving, unsure if any of her friendships would survive this. With Leia gone, and Ben keeping their bond silent, she had only one other to turn to.

 

She spied the Falcon across the hanger, sitting out in the open landing field. She knew he would be there. The barracks were too crowded for him, so he made his bunk on the Falcon, as he had done for years with Han.

 

Suddenly finding herself in the shadow of the ship, standing at the bottom of the ramp, she peered up into the darkness, to see him waiting for her at the top. She didn’t know where the sob that escaped her came from, but as the second bubbled up, she raced up the ramp into the hairy arms of the only friend she had. Chewie pulled her to him, his massive body enveloping her smaller frame.

 

His question came out as a growl that turned into a whine. Rey needed to catch her breath in order to answer.

 

“She’s gone. She passed into the Force right before my eyes. One moment she was there, and the next… she was gone.”

 

The last word caught in her throat and started the torrent of sobs again. Chewie held her tight, whining words of comfort, as he led her into the ship. After settling her into Han’s old room, he finally asked her why she was here alone and not with everyone else. And suddenly the whole story was pouring out of her. 

 

Chewie listened silently until she finished. He then cocked his head and contemplated her for a long moment. Long ago he had pledged a life debt to Han, after Han had rescued him from an Imperial jail. Through the years, he had extended it to Leia and Luke, and then to Ben. When he and Han had found Rey aboard the Falcon, all those months ago, and they had informally accepted her as one of their own, the life debt had extended to the girl too.

 

Through growls and whines, Chewie relayed the story to Rey of the life debt he pledge to Han, and how she in turn became a part of it. Her eyes wide, her cheeks still damp with tears, Rey sniffled and shook her head.

 

“You can’t. I can’t allow you to pledge your life to me.”

 

Chewie chuffed, and growled again, this time more forcefully. Almost bullying Rey into accepting the inevitable. But again Rey tried to refuse.

 

“I can’t ask you to come with me. I can’t ask you to go where I’m going. Please. It’s hard enough to have them both gone. You have a right to grieve too.”

 

“Besides… I’m not family.” She sniffed, blinking back more tears.

 

Chewie’s growl had her chin coming up.

 

“I’m not feeling sorry for myself,” she argued.

 

He whined again, this time taking his huge paw and brushing her hair back from her face.

 

Rey shook her head. “No. I would have done everything exactly as I did.”

 

He sat silently, waiting for her to come to the correct conclusion. He knew when she did, because she scrubbed her hands over her face, and took a deep breath. Then he growled.

 

“We need to reach Jedah. I need to rebuild my light saber, and Leia thought the crystal caves might still be there, even if the temple isn’t.”

 

Chewie growled his assent, as he stood. Rey followed him to the cockpit to prepare for their departure. As they sat checking systems, and pulling up star charts, voices could be heard coming closer to the ship. Rey glanced at Chewie, the panic written on her face. He rose and headed to the ramp to see what was going on.

 

Rey waited, staring blindly at the control panel. And then she heard Chewie’s growl of warning. She rose quickly and hurried to try and defuse the situation. She came upon a stand off. Poe, Finn, Commander D’acy, and Kaydel stood at the bottom of the ramp, while Chewie blocked the entrance at the top. When Poe spotted her, tucked behind the Wookie, his features hardened. She stood behind Chewie, but still visible, trying to appear unaffected by the days events. She was sure she failed miserably.

 

“What’s going on here?” Finn called up to the two of them.

 

Rey and Chewbacca shared a look and he inclined his head towards her.

 

“You ordered me to leave. That’s what I’m doing.”

 

Poe, obviously angry, stepped forward. “Not on that ship, you’re not. We need the Falcon and Chewbacca to pilot it. It stays.”

 

Chewie growled low in his throat, and whined loudly, but did not move.

 

“He said this is not your ship and he is not your soldier. He goes where he wants.” Rey translated for them.

 

“The Resistance needs all the ships and man power it can get. He was loyal to the Rebellion and the Resistance before, he can’t leave now.” Poe argued, stepping forward, onto the ramp.

 

Chewie growled menacingly, and stepped forward only to have Rey step in front of him. 

 

“Chewbacca not a slave. His loyalty was to Han Solo, not to the Rebellion or the Resistance. He had a life debt he pledged to Han years before either of those were even an idea. That life debt extended to General Organa and Luke Skywalker eventually, and on to Ben Solo when he was born. A Wookie life debt does not end. It is simply transferred to the next generation.

 

“This ship belonged to Han Solo. When he was… killed, it became the property of Chewbacca. Chewbacca chose me as his co-pilot. He had no loyalty to you or your cause, and has agreed to take me where I need to go.

 

“If you feel the need to argue any of that, I’m sure he would be willing to arm wrestle any one of you for it.”

 

Poe’s face blanched white, but his mouth pressed to a thin line.

 

“You are undoing  _ everything _ the General and Han Solo worked for. You belong with Ren. A traitor, through and through.”

 

Rey stepped back as if he had physically slapped her. She had heard someone gasp but couldn’t tell who as Chewie roared and stormed down the ramp.

 

“Chewie, no! Chewie! Chewie, stop!” Rey finally cried as she watched the Wookie grab Poe around the throat and begin to choke him.

 

Chewbacca contemplated Rey for a moment before releasing Poe. The man stumbled back, sucking in air, leaning heavily on Finn.

 

Finn’s sad eyes found Rey’s. “Go,” he said, looking away quickly.

 

With a deep inhale, she turned and disappeared into the darkness of the ship. She sat in the cockpit and felt the slight rock of the ship as the ramp was closed. Chewie lumbered his way into the cockpit, but remained silent as the brought the Falcon to life, and set the coordinates to Jedah. As the the thrusters lifted the Falcon from the landing field, Rey brushed her hand across her damp cheek. When they broke atmosphere, Rey heaved a sigh. Chewie looked over to her as his big paw patted her head. 

 

She gave him a watery smile and excused herself from the cockpit. Wandering through the ship, she found herself standing above the ladder that led down to the gun turret, beneath the ship. Quietly climbing down, Rey sat in the seat and stared out into the vast emptiness that surrounded them. She heard Chewie’s call, but did not answer. He knew she was safe on the ship. She felt the jolt as the Falcon jumped to light speed, and allowed her tears to fall as the pinpricks of stars stretched into tails and streamed past her. 

 

.

 

He sat with his fingers pressed against his throbbing temples. His shoulders hunched and the muscles pulled tight against the pain. He needed relief, needed to get away from the constant baragement. 

 

He had once imagined his ability to feel the pain and fear of the long dead Jedi, was a sign of how strong his power in the Force was. Now he realized the echoes of torment were a punishment for the atrocities committed here.

 

He had tried to reach out to her, but their bond was silent. Cut off - as it had been for the months after Crait. He had expected it. She was hurting, and he had hurt her. It was nothing more than he deserved. And that was just one more added weight to his overburdened shoulders.  He knew his abrupt departure after his mother’s death had hurt her, but he needed the pain in had caused, to do what needed to be done. If he had let her comfort him; if he had comforted her; that sharp edge would have blunted and he would not have been able to deal with Varon the way he had.

 

It had been selfish of him, to abandon her so soon after his mother had passed. He released a harsh laugh. He hadn’t thought of her as his mother for many years. It was strange to think of her as such, now that she was gone.

 

He had not wanted to leave Rey at that moment. It had been a necessary evil. He knew he would not have been able to put on the same performance, had he stayed. And now that he needed her so badly, he was getting exactly what he deserved.

 

“Damn it, Rey. Where are you?” he growled into the empty room.

 

His answer was the deafening silence of their bond. He needed to go. Needed to find her. But how? Where? He could not leave. Not with Varon so turbulent and rebellious. Not with Hux so blatantly disregarding his orders. He had never imagined getting everything he had once desired, would become such a burden.

 

The door beeped and hissed open. He turned his head slightly, glancing over his shoulder. He watched Altair Rhys enter slowly, glancing around.

 

“Enter Altair.” Ben spoke from the darkness.

 

Altair paused for only a second, but he cursed himself for it. Any show of weakness was a mistake. He moved in, taking in the destruction, still scattered around the room. He stood by and watched Ben struggle with some unknown agony.

 

“Why are you here, Altair?”

 

“Thane sent me. He thought you might need my services.”

 

“I do not need you. I’m fine.” Ben sighed, pressing his thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose.

 

Altair moved closer. Reaching out he placed his fingertips against Ben’s temples. Reaching into the Force, he sent soothing tendrils into Ben’s ravaged psyche. When Altair removed his fingers, Ben straightened and took a deep breath.

 

“Thank you.” Ben looked gratefully at Altair.

 

Altair gave him a short bow, at a loss for words. This new side of his master was unbalancing. The terrain he had been used to walking, had changed and he needed time to regain his footing.

 

He stepped back, as Ben stood and began to pace along the wall of windows. Watching, he waited for his master to address him again.

 

“Altair, I need a favor of you.” Ben turned to him quickly.

 

He bowed again. “Anything, Master.”

 

“I’m bringing the scavenger to Mustafar. Her power in the Force is strong. I want you to help me train her. To see if she has an aptitude for healing. As you do.”

 

Altair hesitated. “You know I will do anything you ask of me, Master. But is it wise to bring her so near Varon?”

 

Ben turned to the wall of windows overlooking the glowing read and obsidian black  of the planet he called home.

 

“It heartens me, that you are worried for her safety, but Varon will not be here when I return with her. I will be sending him, along with Thane and Daos Shen, to attend to Hux.

 

“You, Jor, and Sai-Has will remain here, while I leave to retrieve the scavenger, and return with her.”

 

“She is not just any scavenger, is she, Master?”

 

Ben looked at him sharply. “Choose your next words wisely, Altair. You tread on shaky ground.”

 

Altair gave a deep bow. “It will be as you wish, Master Kylo.”

 

With a last piercing glance, Ben turned away. “Go. And have my ship prepared to leave within the hour.”

 

The hiss of the door opening and closing told Ben, Altair had left. Reaching out one more time along their bond, he tried to find her. Only to be met by a gaping silence.

 

You may not want me to find you, darling, but we cannot remain apart forever, he thought.  The Force has made that very clear. You are mine, as I am yours. Forever.

 

.

 

Rey woke with a start, feeling as if someone had tugged her awake. She rubbed at her salty cheeks before she began the climb back into the ship. She felt the Falcon shudder, as it dropped out of light speed. She and Chewie would need to take a look at that before they ventured on from Jedah.

 

Entering the cockpit, she watched from behind Chewie as they came upon the planet. Another desolate rock of stone and sand, she thought as the Falcon broke atmosphere over a rag tag city that appeared built upon the destruction of the last. Buildings patched together of rusted metal, stone, and salvaged wood, stood in the crater left by the Death Star, more than 30 years before.

 

“Not much to look at,” Rey mumbled.

 

Chewie tilted his head back and whined. Rey shook her head, but stayed silent. He growled again, sounding more annoyed than angry.

 

“I can’t. He needs time,” she argued.

 

Another growl, this time slightly menacing.

 

“Yes, but she was  _ his  _ mother. Not mine.”

 

Chewbacca surged up and towered over Rey as he growled, whined, and chuffed at her. But she only lowered her brow, locked her jaw and refused to be intimidated.

 

When he was finally done, Rey spoke. “I can do this on my own.”

 

Turning on her heel, Rey stalked from the cockpit. Chewie watched her go, then threw up his hands, shaking his head as he sat back down to land the Falcon. If she wasn’t going to be reasonable, then he was going to take matters into his own hands.

 

.

 

They touched down on the flattest area they could find. Stepping out of the ship, Rey looked around, her face unable to keep its stoic look for long. There was nothing. more than 30 years since the destruction of Jedah city by the first Death Star, and it still looked as if it had been yesterday. Certainly no city. Not even a rough settlement. No sentient life at all. And no kyber. 

 

There was no pull from the Force. No thrum in her veins. No hum along her spine. Everything she had come to associate with the feel of a kyber crystal, was silent. Her face fell, and she walked further away from the rise where she and Chewie stood staring at the barren plain of dust and rock, where a city had once stood. Blinking rapidly, she tried to clear her suddenly blurry vision. 

 

Chewie whined. 

 

Rey brushed furiously at her cheek. “Sand,” she mumbled and turned on her heel, stalking back into the Falcon.

 

Chewbacca said nothing as he watched her go, and turned back to look out over the silent graveyard of a city once the destination of many believers. Pilgrims, looking to make sense in a galaxy that was spiraling out of control.

 

He had heard Leia tell stories of her home. Of watching it be destroyed before her, while Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin stood by and ordered the massive space station to fire on her family. On the people she had sworn to protect at their princess and their senator.

 

He remembered standing on Takodana, helpless as he and Han looked to the sky, while the First Order fired Starkiller Base on the naive and ignorant New Republic planets. How he watched as Kylo Ren carried Rey onto his ship. And he wondered if he had made the right decision, delivering Rey right back into his hands, in a manner of speaking. Only time would tell. After all humans weren’t always the smartest of the species.

 

.

 

They had kept to themselves that night. Rey burrowing in her room, feeling sorry for herself, and wallowing in self-pity, and Chewie giving her the room to do so. But by the following morning, he had decided she had wallowed enough and dragged her from her room with grumblings about repairing the power couplings and the hyper-drive modulator.

 

She felt him first. Arms deep in the wires of the hyperdrive, she felt him. Like a punch to the chest, she curled in on herself and gasped. Panic set in next. Trying to extricate herself from inside the Falcon, she ripped her arms out, causing her arm bands to catch on a sharp metal corner and tear them, leaving a long scratch down her arms that instantly welled red.

 

The sting of the scratch wasn’t even a thought as her brain tried to figure out how he had found her. She had been sure that she had closed their bond. That she hadn’t allowed anything to seep through to give her away. He needed time. Time to grieve, to heal. He didn’t need her and her problems weighing on him too. He had made that very clear when he had severed their connection just after his mother passed.

 

Whirling, she found Chewbacca behind her, looking curiously up at the ship that had just entered orbit above the ruined city of Jedah. Grabbing his arm, she made him glance at her.

 

“We have to go! We have to go now!” she whispered fiercely.

 

Chewie whined, pointing to the hyperdrive engine that had hoses and wires hanging from it. 

 

“Well, help me put it back together!” she snapped, turning back to the hold in the ship she had just left. 

 

He gave a soft growl from his throat.

 

“What do you mean calm down? He’s here. He found me. Somehow he found me!” she cried, grabbing wires and stuffing them back in the engine.

 

He growled again, this time louder. Rey froze. She slowly let the wires go and turned to face him. Her face was furious and yet her eyes held betrayal. 

 

“You?” she asked softly.

 

He nodded and growled again.

 

“You gave me up to him?”

 

This time he chuffed.

 

“I am not being dramatic! You gave him our location, after I told you I could do this alone!”

 

Chewie gestured to the empty belt on her hip, and whined.

 

The roar of the Silencers engines moved closer, until they suddenly cut off. Spinning, Rey found the ship touched down behind her, and watched as the ramp lowered slowly to the ground. She could not take her eyes from the figure that stalked down the ramp and across the uneven ground toward her. 

 

His hair hung stringy in his face, his cheeks were drawn and paler than she remembered, but it was his eyes that stopped her breath in her chest. His eyes, usually so intense with drive, were empty. Dark smudges marred his pale complection and the scar that ran from his brow to his jaw, his gift from her, stood stark against the pallor of his skin. 

 

And then she felt him and her knees almost buckled. The anguish that he tried to keep hidden, struck her to the core. All of his emotions bombarded her. The pain of loss, the fear of facing who he had been, the trepidation of revealing who he had become, the aching wound of betrayal by those he had relied on. All of it, every aching emotion that had normally been held locked behind the wall of obsidian he had built from childhood, were laid bare and raw to be scraped over and over in his mind.

 

Her words lodged in her throat. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. Her heart ached. But she was helpless to do anything. She wanted to scream, to cry, to run, but those eyes held her in place as if he had used the Force to freeze her there.

 

By sheer force of her will, she moved one foot and then another backwards, away from his approach.

 

“Rey.” 

 

She stopped. 

 

Her name on his lips. Dragged from his throat like a plea. As if his need for her was greater than the threat of Chewbacca standing with his bowcaster pointed at his heart. And that is when she broke. When the tears fell down her dirt smudged cheeks. When the sob was ripped from her throat.

 

He stalked the last few feet to her and wrapped his arms around her waist as he fell to his knees. Her lips pressed against his head as she whispered his name over and over. 

 

Her voice fell on his soul like a balm. Soothing his fractured mind. Pulling the shattered pieces of his heart back together. She was his. The other half of his broken soul. The light to his darkness. Surging to his feet, he took her face in his hands and looked down into her gold flecked eyes. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

 

She blinked, confusion furrowing her brow, clouding her eyes.

 

“I shouldn’t have left you. Not after…” he couldn’t bring himself to say the words.

 

Rey shook her head, opening her mouth to speak. But he brushed his thumb across her lips, before she could say anything. 

 

“You needed me. And...” he paused, “There are things I need to explain. Things I need you to understand. But first I need you to forgive me.”

 

His words hit her like freezing water in the face. Pushing away from him, she stepped back and shook her head.

 

“I need you?  _ I _ need  _ you _ ? That is what you came here to tell me? And then you want me to forgive you?”

 

He went to speak, but the hand she threw up stopped him. 

 

“No! Do not, stand there and say it is because it is what  _ I _ need. I came to this forsaken planet,  _ alone,  _ because I was willing to give you time and space to grieve. And  _ you _ followed  _ me _ here. Not because I need you.”

 

He stood there before her silent. She had drawn a line in the sand and dared him to cross it. And at one time, he would have stood alone, unbending, in his pride. But now, he wasn’t willing to lose the one thing that made sense to him. He no longer had any pride. He would drag himself across Jakku, burnt from its sun and dying of thirst just to be near her.

 

“No,” he agreed.

 

“Then why?” With nowhere to focus it any longer, her anger receded.

 

“Because  _ I _ need you,” he said softly, but firmly. “I need you, because only you can see the man I want to become. And I need to believe he is somewhere inside of me. Because the thing I am when I am alone is vile and cruel. I don’t know who I am without you any more, and the only redemption I will find is in your eyes. And that is the only thing that matters.”

 

Rey’s heart thudded against her chest. She had not expected him to reveal his heart to her. He had rejected her offer of help once. Had told her that is wasn’t he that would change but her. And yet, here they both were, not the same people who had started this journey. And she knew before the end, she would claim her darkness, as he would accept his light.

 

“Walk with me?” he asked gently, holding out his hand to her.

 

Raising her hand from her side, she reached for his hand, placing her’s within it. She turned at Chewie’s whine, and cocked her head.    
  


“It’s okay. I trust him,” she assured him. 

 

He lowered his bowcaster, and nodded. 

 

Rey turned back to Ben and nodded to him. 

 

Turning, he took a step, his breath held in his chest, waiting for her to pull away. When she took a step towards him, he released the breath, and tightened his hand around hers. He dropped his chin and turned his head to look at her from above.

 

“You trust me?” he asked softly.

 

She turned her head to look up at him, a soft smile playing on her pink lips. “With my life.”


	28. I'm Being Torn Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben asks again.  
> Rey makes a decision.  
> Chewie is not happy.   
> Someone unexpected shows up.  
> And devious working are happening behind the scenes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm back, and I had no idea that it was so long between postings! I apologize to you all. I wanted to make it longer but it just wasn't working out that way. So here is what I've got. I hope you enjoy! I promise to see this through to the end. My OCD wouldn't let me not finish it. I have been trolling the 'verse on AO3 and have found some amazing authors! I've also found some new music. My go to Ruelle never fails me for this fic. Just love her sound. But I'll post them at the end. 
> 
> So without further ado, enjoy. And remember Comments + Kudos = LIFE!!
> 
> Kiss, kiss. XOXO

:Chapter Twenty-Eight:

 

“He sent,  _ you _ .” Hux looked down his nose at them. His eyes shaded by the brim of his hat.

 

They remained silent, standing in formation with Varon at the fore.

 

“I demanded the entirety of the Knights of Ren, and he sends the three of  _ you _ .” His sneer was unmistakable. “Where are the rest?”

 

“The Supreme Leader did not divulge his orders to the others. He just commanded us to attend to this matter.” 

 

“Of course not,” he dug the knife in, “Why would he give that information to underlings. And where is he, our illustrious Supreme Leader?”

 

The three of them bristled at being called underlings by this worm of a man, but remained silent. That was one of the reasons their master than sent them. They were his observers. The ones he counted on to find the message between the words. 

 

“Of course. The stoic Knights of Ren. How you all close ranks and protect the man who is betraying you with that scavenger girl.”

 

Thane watched as Varon physically tensed at Hux’s words. He tightened his fist behind his back, digging his nails into his palm. He had a very bad feeling about this.  This was not going to go how Kylo Ren imagined. 

 

.

 

They stood on the edge of a sheer drop, looking out over the devastated crater that was once the holy city of Jedah. He kept her hand tucked in his, holding her close to his side, craving the heat of her against his skin. 

 

“This was the first test of the Death Star. Not even at its full power, it was able to destroy everything within miles of its target.” Ben spoke.

 

“My grandfather wasn’t even aware of it yet. At least not in its operational capacity. But he soon became very aware of it. And used it on Scarif next. He and Grand Moff Tarkin destroyed the Citadel Tower and the surrounding islands in order to keep their data cache out of the hands of the Rebellion. But my mother was able to secret the plans in an R2 unit. Not unlike Dameron did with the BEE-BEE unit.” 

 

He knew he was just rambling but he needed time to gather his thoughts. She was here. Next to him. Physically touching him. Her power vibrated through his veins like a drug. Her scent, sea and salt, and something slightly sweet, calmed the fire within his soul. But it was her eyes that were his undoing. Her eyes, where he finally found home.

 

Being away from her even for that short time, had been torture. She had become a whisper at the edge of his mind, teasing him with what could be. Without her, he was dancing with madness. And he knew it. Knew that he had to admit the truth at least to himself. She had become a necessity.

 

Turning his head he finally looked down at her. She was staring off across the crater they stood above, tears slipping silently down her cheeks. Turning to her completely, he cupped her cheek and brushed the tears away with his thumb.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

She startled at his blunt question. She had not been prepared for him to appear, let alone for him to ask questions she still wasn’t sure she had answers too. But his presence had soothed something deep within her she hadn’t recognized until he was there. The hum of his power along  her skin was the softest caress, and she realized that although staying apart was what they both needed, she only felt whole when he was there.

 

“I… your mother… She told me I needed to build my own lightsaber. That I needed to find the kyber caves on Ilum or Jedah, and build a new lightsaber. Luke’s is destroyed beyond repair. So I… had to leave.”

 

She had refused to look at him through her whole speech, and that, more than her words spoke volumes to him. 

 

“Rey,” he spoke her name to get her full attention. She turned to him finally and he saw the pain she had tried to hide.

 

“Tell me,” the command in his voice, tinged with anger, rolled over her.

 

“They know. About you… and me.”

 

She remained silent as he absorbed her words. He let out a breath he had been holding. Lowering his face to the top of her head, he pressed his lips to it, breathing her in. She still smelled of salt and sea air and of that thing that was innately her. 

 

Rey began to speak and the story finally tumbled out into his chest. He had thought that he had lost that edge of anger when he was with her, but as she told him what her friends had said and done, he found the rage bloom in his chest, like a fire stoked. It burned fiercely, consuming him. And he had only one thought. To destroy all of them.

 

“These? These are the people you call friends?!” He held her away from him and nearly shouted.

 

Rey’s seemed to curl in upon herself even more. She tried to speak, to give him a reason, an excuse, but nothing came. 

 

“You protect them. You are willing to die for them. And this is how they treat you?! By abandoning you in your worst hour?! Banishing you after all you have done for them!”

 

He was furious and Rey knew it was justified, but she also could not help but feel he was wrong. She heard Chewie roar, and watched as Ben lifted his arm, hand out, fingers flared. The Wookie was frozen in place. Frightened, Rey stumbled back a few steps, her eyes locked on Ben’s fearsome visage. 

 

“These are the people you went back to? That I sent you back to? The people you wanted me to trust with my life? With  _ your  _ life?” he roared.

 

Glancing between Ben and Chewie, her eyes were wide. “Ben, please. Please, stop. Please, Ben. I’m here with you now. There is nothing we can do. What happened, happened.”

 

“I will destroy them. The pilot, the traitor. All of them! I will erase them from this galaxy.” His lightsaber came to life in his hand.

 

“Ben. Please,” she pleaded. “Please. Forget them.” 

 

Rey stumbled into him, physically absorbing his anger through their bond. She fell to her knee, reaching out for him. Seeing her so affected by his emotional state broke his anger. Reaching for her, he enfolded her into his chest, bringing his lips down to her head. He released Chewie, although the Wookie did not back off right away.

 

“Will you?” he asked softly.

 

Sucking in a deep breath, she glanced away and then back at him. “In time… I will.”

 

Dropping the lightsaber, he pulled her close, enveloping her in his body. “Forgive me.”

 

“It’s not your fault.”

 

“But it is. All of this is my fault.” 

 

“Ben--” she tried to speak.

 

“No. You cannot twist this in any way that takes the blame from my shoulders. But it doesn’t matter any more. You’re with me now, and we will find a way through this. We will find a balance.”

 

Rey scoffed, “If you only believed what you are saying.”

 

He gave her a small lopsided grin. “I don’t have to because you believe enough for the both of us.”

 

A small smile pulled at the corner of her mouth, before she looked down at her boots. Tugging gently, Ben lifted her into his arms, curling himself around her, and holding her close. He rubbed his lips against her temple, as she leaned into his warmth.

 

“Come with me.” He whispered the words against her temple. His warm breath, causing a shiver to slide down her spine.

 

Rey picked her head up and looked at him. He had offered her this before. Had held out his hand and offered her the galaxy at her feet. But this time, she knew he was offering her something different. Something she would never say no to. He was offering her himself.

 

“Where will you take me?” she asked softly.

 

He released a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding. Relief flooded through him.

 

“I must go back to Mustafar. I must finish this.”

 

She picked her head up, searching his face for something. “I…”

 

“I don’t need an answer now. Just know that I want you with me. Wherever I end up. And I will protect you, Rey. Even if you argue you don’t need it. You are mine.”

 

Turning her face into his throat she whispered against his heated skin. “As you are mine. Forever.”   
  


.

 

He slid into the throne room on silent feet. It was different now. The red curtains had burned to ash in the wake of Snoke’s death. They had warmed the room somehow. Now the view of deep space seemed to bleed cold into the room. Hux stood at the wall of windows, his hands clasped behind his back. Hux appeared unaware of the intruder, but he knew better. No matter how little respect he held for Hux, he knew the man was aware of everything that happened on his ship.

 

“I didn’t think you were brave enough to turn on Ren.” Hux’s voice wasn’t powerful enough to fill the room. 

 

“He is no longer Kylo Ren. His time with the scavenger changed that. His need for her for has lessened him,” he answered, annoyed that Hux couldn’t be bothered to turn and face him. Who did Hux think he was? 

 

“You come here with old news,” Hux said, dismissively.

 

He hated give away his hand but, if he didn’t play it now it may be too late. He spoke softly, so he knew Hux had to strain to hear him

 

“Yes, but if this is used in the right way, not only can you bring down Ren… But the remaining resistance too.”

 

“What do you have for me?” Hux tried to remain stoic, but he could hear the interest piqued Hux’s voice.

 

Gritting his teeth, he breathed softly and tried to relax his shoulders. “Ren is using his power to breed fear, but his soul it not in it. It is tearing him apart, and very soon he will be easily overcome. And I think the Resistance could be the key to his downfall. They want him dead as much as you do. Maybe more. And if we can play nice with them to secure Ren, then how easy it will be to destroy our new allies.”

 

He watched as Hux visibly straightened, standing a few inches taller. He knew he had him.

 

“And you?” Hux interrupted.

 

“Me?” he nearly stuttered at the question.

 

“What do you want of him?”

 

“I want him to suffer. I want him to feel the pain of having the one true thing in his life ripped from him, just as he did to me. I want him on his knees.” he growled passionately.

 

Hux finally turned to him with a twisted smile on his face. “I believe we might be able to come to an accord.” 

 

.

 

As the sun set, the temperature dropped severely, and Ben had retreated to the Silencer with Rey. He had lay her down on the bed, holding her tightly. Trying his best to take away her pain. Once again she had been let down by the very people she had trusted. First her parents, then Luke, and now those she had called friends. And he had been the catalyst. His presence in her life, their bond, had caused the problem. He had told his uncle he would destroy her, and it seemed he was destined to do just that. 

 

Glancing down at her, he brushed strands of hair from her cheek with his fingertips. Her slender hands laid against the bare skin of his chest, as he cradled her head against his shoulder. She was finally sleeping. It had taken her so long to finally relax. To finally understand she was safe. That she no longer had to run. 

 

They had talked about what was to come next. About what had to be done, and their choices. She didn’t like his plan, but could come up with nothing better herself. She agreed to return with him. He was under no illusion that she  _ wanted  _ to go to Mustafar, but he knew in her mind it was the only way she could protect him from everything he would have to face there. The only way she could protect him from himself.

 

The breath hitched in his chest. He had never experienced that before. Someone willing to give up their happiness, their own safety, for him. He had always been the one left behind. The one left to fend for himself. And now, this slip of a woman was willing to give up everything for him. He found it hard to process. Leaning down he pressed his lips to the silk of her hair.

 

They were to leave in the morning, but there was one more thing he needed to do before he left. Sliding his arm from beneath her head, he rose from the bed. Pulling the blanket over her bare shoulder, he waited for her breathing to return to a sleeping rhythm, before he left the room. Dragging his cowl over his head, he knew where he was going. 

 

Stepping out into the night, he took a deep breath and released it. White crystals hung in the frigid air before they evaporated into the ether. Across from the Silencer sat the Falcon. A bright fire glowing near the open ramp and a large shadow sitting hunched over next to it. He had never imagined having this conversation, and when he realized he had to, his mind rebelled against the idea.

 

The time had finally come and he wasn’t sure he could. The icy air seeped into his muscles, making his every step slow and trudging. It was almost like walking through deep snow, physically exhausting. As he approached, the shadow lifted his head, and he was pinned to the spot by the stare. This was the closest thing he had to family, barring Rey, just then. 

 

He wasn’t sure he was welcome, but when Chewie turned his head back to the fire and didn’t shoot him on sight, he braved the remaining space between them to sit across from the Wookie. The fire cast strange shadows across both of their features as they sat staring at each other. At one time this meeting would have been a battle of wills to see who would break first. But now it was simply Ben, searching for the words to say and Chewbacca waiting for his “nephew” to speak.

 

“I’m taking her with me,” Ben announced unceremoniously, into the uncomfortable silence.

 

Chewie threw his head back and growled his response. Shaking his head he whined.

 

“You don’t get a say,” Ben countered.

 

Chewie chuffed and growled deep in his throat. Ben paused, his eyes widened slightly.

 

“The life debt? To her?”

 

Chewie simply sat silently.

 

“You cannot come with us. There is no way to explain your presence rationally. They know who you are.

 

“They will kill you on sight.”

 

Chewie whined loudly. Ben frowned fiercely at him.

 

“No matter what I say.”

 

Another deep growl and he shook his head.

 

“She has to be with me. She is vital to my plan. Without her it all falls apart.”

 

Chewie whined. His eyes boring into Ben’s, waiting.

 

“Without her… I will fall apart.” Ben’s voice almost failed.

 

He chuffed and nodded. 

 

“I know. She’s been through so much. Lost so much.”

 

Another whine and a low growl.

 

“I will protect her with my life,” he growled low in his throat. 

 

Chewie whined, chuffing and waving his arms around.

 

“I had no choice. It was supposed to be the final step. It was supposed to end my torment… And in the end it just caused more. He was right. Snoke had been using me. And on some level I had known that. On some level, I had known and hadn’t cared… until she appeared. She changed everything.” His voice was low and rough in his throat.

Chewie whined again. A sound that Ben cringed from. The sound of mourning that only a Wookie could make. 

 

“I can’t go back and change what happened. What I did. All I can do is try to move forward and make it right.” His deep voice was soft and full of regret.

 

Chewie chuffed softly.

 

No.’

 

Another growl.

 

“I can’t. Not now. Not yet.”

 

This time deeper, more angry.

 

“Can’t, won’t, there is no difference.”

 

Chewie whined, shaking his head. 

 

He shook his head in answer.  “When this is all over. I swear on her life, I will return with her.” 

 

He stood and studied Ben for a long moment before he turned and trudged up the ramp of the Falcon, and disappeared into the dim light of the interior. Ben’s eyes followed him as he went, before he stared back into the fire dying. 

 

The conversation played over and over in his mind. Like a recording with no way to stop it. 

 

‘ _ Does she know what you have to become? What she has to become?’ Chewie had asked him. _

 

_ ‘Will you let her see how black your soul really is? Will you tell her?’ _

 

_ ‘Can’t or won’t?’ _

 

_ ‘You are going to destroy her. And I can’t stop her from going with you. But know this, if she doesn’t return, if you don’t bring her back… I will hunt you down.’ _

 

If I don’t bring her back... if she doesn’t return… neither will I, he had said silently, knowing it was the truth. Closing his eyes, he tried to ignore the tightness in his chest, the way his throat closed around the knot, at the thought of her not returning with him.  If he did nothing else, he would make sure she survived. 

 

But Chewie had voice his hidden fears. And now they were full blown manifestations of his psyche. Taunting him in silence. He could only hide from her for so long. Eventually she would see. He would have to reveal himself. And what would her reaction be. He could remember in vivid detail her reaction to him on Takodana, on Star Killer, and even on Ahch-To. Her hatred had been visceral. And it had changed the Force around her. 

 

But she had seen something in him that echoed a need within her, and her feelings began to shift. He prayed to the Maker that she would be able to see him for who he really was and not who he had to become in order to finish what he had started. And he swore, he would do everything within his power to be the man she saw in him.

 

“The road to the dark side is paved with good intentions,” a voice spoke out of the darkness.

 

Turning quickly, Ben found himself face to face with his uncle. Or perhaps it was not really his uncle. Luke was glowing an icy blue as he walked out of the darkness. Ben’s hand went immediately to the lightsaber at his hip.

 

“Peace, Ben.” the image of his uncle held up his hand slowly swiping it to the side. 

 

“Am I never to be rid of you?” he growled, his face taking on it’s old mask of anger.

 

“I told you. If you strike me down in anger, and I’ll always be with you.”

 

“I didn’t strike you down. I didn’t get the chance. You weren’t even there.”

 

Luke sighed, as if extremely tired. “Then perhaps I’m not here for you,” came Luke’s cryptic reply.  

 

“Rey?” 

 

Luke remained stoically silent. Ben didn’t like the idea that his uncle was appearing for her. In his mind there could only be one reason for Luke to be here. To turn Rey against him.

 

“You need to go.” Ben ordered.

 

“In time. But first you need to know this is not going to go the way you think. You cannot hide who you are from her. Your bond won’t allow it. And if you try, it will only serve to drive a wedge between you both.”

 

‘You know nothing.” Ben growled turning back to the fire. Luke was silent for a while be Ben could still feel his presence behind him. 

 

When he finally spoke it was as if his voice echoed in Ben’s head. “If you don’t trust her, Ben, you will lose her.”

 

Turning quickly, he glanced around only to discover he was completely alone. Damn that man, he cursed silently.

 

“Ben?” her voice floated to him across the distance.

 

She was a black silhouette against the bright light of the interior of the ship. He stood quickly, his long legs eating up the ground between them. Ducking, he entered the ship and took her hands in his.  

 

“I thought…” she started, blinking up at him.  “I thought you left.”

 

Gently he enfolded her in his arms. “I told you, I’ll come back for you. Always.”

 

Her arms slipped around his waist as she pressed against him. “I’m going to hold you to that,” she whispered.

 

“I hope you do.” His breath heated the top of her head.

 

.

 

“Commander, we have a discovered a transmission that was sent… from the First Order,” Kaydel announced to a hushed command center.

 

“Are you sure?” Poe stalked across the room to stand next to her.

 

“Yes, sir. I believe it is from Admiral Hux.” Her voice fell away in disbelief.

 

“Hugs? Why the hell would he be trying to contact us?” Poe asked the question on everyone’s mind.

 

“Should I play the message, Sir?” Kaydel’s hand hovered over the button.

 

Poe thought for a moment. Without Leia’s guidance, the burden of leadership had fallen on his shoulders. And although he had thought he’d been ready for it, he had since realized that perhaps he wasn’t as ready as he imagined. So many choices had to be made with too many probabilities to even allow him to make a decision. The moment he thought he was on the right track, something new would come up, completely derailing the original matter.

 

And there was no way for him to simply get by on his smile, any more. He was the frontman now, not the ace pilot who could make decision based only on his wants and needs. He had what was left of the Resistance to think of.

 

“Play it,” he finally ordered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New music:
> 
> Ruelle -   
>  This is the Hunt  
>  Slip Away  
>  Storm  
>  Madness  
>  Invincible  
>  Game of Survival  
>  Carry You


	29. Finish What You Started

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to see how the Knights of Ren react to Rey's presence on Mustafar, and how badly Ben/Kylo is juggling the two sides of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back! One day short of a month! That must be a record for me lately. I want to wish you all a fabulous New Year! And to just say enjoy. I'm not going to comment on how I'm on a roll and how the next chapter should be out soon, because that always backfires on me. But I will say that this is what I'm focusing on right now because apparently my brain can't focus on more than 1 story at a time. So barring any chaos at home, I'm hoping to post. Yeah, I'm just hoping to post. ;)
> 
> So with that being said. Here is the next installment of or space lovers saga and hopefully this chapter pushes the narrative forward enough for me to see an end in sight soon. As of right now both Rey and Ben say drag it out and add as much smut as you can. :O Anyone with them??
> 
> As always thank you! 
> 
> COMMENTS + KUDOS = LOVE/LIFE

:Chapter Twenty-Nine:

 

She sat at the window, her hand pressed against the warm transparisteel, staring out into the rouge tinted blackness. From the moment their ship had come out of hyperspace near their destination, she had been battered by the Dark Side of the Force. It took everything to silence the voices of the tortured Jedi, to protect her mind from the locus of the Dark Side. It was everywhere. Like a million voices whispering at once. Scraping across her mind like grains of sand in the desert.

 

Her dreams hadn’t been kind since arriving on Mustafar. She would awaken, dripping in sweat, arms flailing, battling demons from the darkness into the light. Her only repast was that he was there, in the light, waiting for her with strong arms, and hushed words. With soft kisses pressed to her temple, and his solid body wrapped around her shattering one.

 

“I’m here, darling. You’re safe.”

 

His words would barely register as she was pulled back into the darkness of her dreams. Her nightmares. They were always the same. She was left alone, searching in the darkness. The rain obscuring her vision, turning everything into smeared images of simulacra. Bodies, writhing, the hum of lightsabers, hands tearing at her. She tried to fight but she was helpless. Her arms and legs made of lead.

 

She tried her best to stay awake now. Fighting the relief her body sought in sleep. It was shortly lived anyway. There were never enough hours of peaceful slumber to justify the the night of terrors. And since their arrival, Ben had begun to withdraw from her. Slowly, almost imperceptibly at first, until his absence almost became a physical ache in her chest. Awake or asleep, she found no solace. 

 

Her reception had been one of barely leashed hostility, from the Knights of Ren, who were planetside. Their apparent anger at the prospect of her being there was not only a blow for Ben, but was nearly physically sickening for Rey. And when the others returned today, the roiling emotions she felt through the Force magnified tenfold. She was barely protecting herself from the onslaught of the planet, and didn’t have enough energy to defend against their animosity. But she knew Ben was fighting his own battle and she kept her war from him.

 

She had been sequestered in his apartments for three days now. Kept away from the Knights and from Ben during the day. But she could not remained trapped here any longer. She was slowly going mad. He had not ordered her to remain, but he had asked her to stay there, safe. He came to her in the evenings, silent, and brooding. The darkness pulsing off of him. She knew he tried to shed the mask he wore with his men, but it was becoming harder and harder for him. And he was afraid to show her that face. He only wanted to protect her. She knew. But it was too late for that. She had knowingly walked into the rancor’s den.

 

She stood, uncurling herself from the floor. Brushing her hands along her worn pants, she took a deep breath and spun, a smile forming on her lips as she heard the door slide open, thinking Ben had returned early. The body that filled the entrance was thinner, although just as tall. His presence filled the room. His power pushing at her, like a wave, bowling into her. He stepped forward, and it took everything within her not to retreat.

 

“So this is where he is keeping you caged. His little pet,” he spit the last word at her.

 

His deep voice dripped with disdain from beneath his black hood. His hands rose and Rey steeled herself for an attack. But none came. He merely brushed back his hood, revealing a strikingly handsome face and piercing green eyes. Rey cursed herself for her quick inhale. 

 

“You know who I am, little Jedi?” His full mouth twisted in a malicious smile, as he advanced further into the room.

 

Rey stood her ground. “Ben has mentioned you,” was all she would commit to.

 

“Ah, you mean Kylo Ren.” His eyes narrowed. 

 

Another step closer.

 

“No, I mean Ben Solo.” She couldn’t help but argue.

 

His laugh was derisive. “But that is not who he is, silly pet. A name means nothing, if that is not who you are in your soul.”

 

His mouth twisted again, as he took another step forward. “Ben Solo is dead. I watched him die on Yavin 4, as his uncles temple burned to the ground.”

 

“And I watched him rise from the ashes in my arms.” Rey challenged.

 

He laughed at her again. “So naive, little Jedi. You think because he’s shoved his cock into your tight little cunt, that you know him? That you can save him? You have no idea who he is.”

 

Rey’s face flamed at his vulgar speech, but she refused to be cowed by him.

 

“Only the weak need saving,” she countered.

 

He advanced on her, bringing his sneering face within inches of her own.

 

“He is my brother. We have done things, that you couldn’t even imagine. We have perpetuated horrors that your mind would not even be able to understand .”

 

“You have no idea what I would comprehend. No idea what horrors I have seen. What atrocities I have commited. You know nothing about me. But know this, Varon Kell Ren, my life on Jakku taught me how to do two things better than anyone else. To wait, and to fix broken things.

 

“Nothing you can do to me will change how he feels about me. Not even my death will break the bond we share. Just remember, Varon Kell, you drew the line in the sand. Be careful when you step over it. I won’t hesitate to defend what is mine.”

 

Varon smile thinly at her. “And neither will I, sand rat,” he hissed at her.

 

Turning he stormed out of the room. Rey stood, frozen to the spot, her breath coming in quick gasps, her heart pounding against her ribs as if to break free. Now she understood why Ben had kept her and Varon Kell apart. Ben thought he was a believer. And they were the most dangerous.

 

Trying to settle her heart rate, she sank to the floor. Varon Kell was dangerous. But not because he believed in the First Order, or what Snoke had been trying to build. He was dangerous because he was obsessed with his master and refused to believe that there could be anyone more important in masters life than him.

 

This time the knock on the door startled her. Taking another deep breath, she steeled herself for a second battle.

 

“Come.”

 

The door slid open and Altair Rhys stepped in. He took in her pale face and trembling fingers, and hurried to her side.

 

“My lady! Are you alright? Can I help you?” he crouched next to her, taking her trembling hands in his. 

 

He held them gently, closing his eyes, while he kneeled next to her. Rey studied him, startled by his appearance, as she watched him. She felt him manipulating the Force around her. Calm flooded through her, as her hands stopped their trembling and her heart settled back into a natural rhythm. He released her hands and moved his to her face, pressed his thumbs against her temples gently. His pinkie fingers curled beneath the base of her skull, and the others spread within her hair landing on pressure points there. 

 

Again, she felt him manipulate the Force around them, sending a calming sensation through her mind. She felt herself relax, the anxiety she had been feeling from Varon Kell’s visit slowly fading. 

 

“Is that better, my lady?” he asked, slowly releasing her head.

 

Rey rolled her neck, and nodded. “We both know I am not your ‘lady’. There is no need to call me that.”

 

“Master Kylo wishes us to treat you with all the courtesy and respect we would his chosen queen. As his companion the most respectful address is ‘my lady’.”

 

Rey dipped her head in acknowledgement of his courtesy towards her. At least, she thought, it is not the animosity of Varon Kell. 

 

“I thank you for that. Now, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?”

 

Altair smiled at her. A genuine smile, that reached his eyes.

 

“He did warn me you were… direct.”

 

Rey chuckled. “You mean he told you I have a bad habit of speaking my mind.”

 

“Blunt, was the actual term he used.”

 

Rey let out a laugh, thinking of Ben warning this huge tattooed man about her.

 

“Well, then, not to disappoint you… What do you want from me, Altair Rhys?”

 

Altair shook his head. “I’m actually here to do something for you.”

 

Rey blinked, at a loss for words.

 

“Master Kylo has asked me to see if you have an aptitude for healing. If you do, he requested me to train you.”

 

Rey’s brows drew together. “And you are willing to do this because your master asked you to?”

 

“My Lady--”

 

“Please,” she interrupted him, “call me, Rey.”

 

He bowed his head. “Lady Rey, Master Kylo saved me. I was sold to the crime syndicate that ran my planet, by my parents. They would used my powers for their own gain, and then sold me to Luke Skywalker and his nephew. It was Master Kylo who helped me understand I was free. They took me to the Jedi Temple on Yavin 4. And then Master Kylo rescued me again. He took me from the destruction and gave me a place beside him. A place where I didn’t have to fear what tomorrow would bring.

 

“He gave me a home. I would do anything he asked of me. And I have. This… this is one of the more pleasurable things he has requested of me and my gifts.”

 

Rey gave him a small smile. “You may not feel that way after our first lesson”   
  


Altair smiled back. “We shall see, Lady Rey. But I think you and I are going to get on just fine.”

 

“We shall see, Altair Rhys.” Her smile widened. “Where do we begin?”

 

Altair stood, offering her his hand. Standing, they were nearly the same height, although Altair was quite possibly twice as wide as Rey. Red tattoos trailed over his bulked muscles and square frame. If she did not know better, Rey would have thought he was the muscle of the group. But from his gentle touch, she knew that would never be the case.

 

“We are going to the catacombs. They are deep beneath the castle. Do you know of their history?” he gestured for Rey to walk with him to the lift. 

 

Rey’s brows drew together as she made her way to the lift. “Beneath the castle? How is that possible? I thought the lava rivers would have made building anything underground impossible.”

 

Altair smiled at her observance. So, she was not just a pretty face, he thought to himself. There was a sharp mind behind those bright eyes.

 

Turning to face the door as it closed Altair stood shoulder to shoulder with the girl. “There are natural lava tubes that have created hollow caverns beneath the castle. They have been used for many things,” his voice trailed off.

 

“You mean like the Jedi that escaped Order 66, that Darth Vader hunted down and brought here to torture?” 

 

She didn’t look at him, but could sense his surprise at her revelation.  Turning her head, she studied him.

 

“You didn’t think Ben would tell me? Would warn me about what I was going to face?”

 

Altair took a moment to absorb this information. His face remained blank but Rey could see the confusion in his eyes.

 

“You thought I was his prisoner. That he forced me here.” She smiled shaking her head. 

 

“We were under that impression,” he agreed.

 

“Did Ben actually tell you that? That he was bringing me here as his prisoner?”

 

Altair was silent for a moment, thinking back to that meeting. “No. He told us that he was going to bring you to Mustafar. I just assumed that it would be against your will.”

 

“You do not think your master can be that convincing?” Her brows rose and the corner of her mouth tugged upward.

 

“Kylo Ren is many things, Lady Rey, but he is not what one would call... charming,” Altair admitted.

 

She laughed out right. The sound echoing off the durasteel walls of the lift. Altair, blinked, not having heard a sound so joyous in his life. 

 

“No, no one would make the mistake of calling Kylo Ren charming. But, Ben Solo? He can be quite charming when he wants to be.”

 

“The Ben Solo I remember was sullen and shy. He wasn’t charming at all. He was a lonely man, who had a hard time opening up to anyone,” he related honestly.

 

Rey hummed softly, and nodded. Yes, she could see that. Especially after his parents finally sent him away. But that was not all he was. And while she knew that, she wasn’t ready to share it with anyone else. 

 

“I believe we know very different Ben Solo’s,” was all she would say. 

 

“Knew, Lady Rey. Ben Solo is dead. Kylo Ren has taken his place. He is stronger now for it.” There was no animosity in Altair’s voice.

 

“I beg to differ with you Altair Rhys. Ben Solo is very much alive. As is Kylo Ren. And while none of his Knights want to admit it, both of them live within the same man. They are both part of him. And he cannot be rid of either. They are like two Loth wolves battling for dominance. One filled with anger, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other filled with peace, love, hope, kindness, and truth.”

 

Altair contemplated her as the lift stopped and settled. “And which wolf will win, my Lady?”

 

Rey stepped through the door, turning back to look at the man trying to make sense of her revelation. 

 

“The one he feeds.” Came her reply, as she turned and moved into the darkness of the throne room.

 

Altair was stricken by her words, but had no time to contemplate them. His instincts took over as he watched her head straight into the throne room where Kylo Ren sat, in conversation with the Knights and holovid of General Hux. Running from the lift, Altair gently grabbed her wrist to stop her. Rey whirled to him, her lips parted and fear in her eyes. Her entire body tensed for battle. He realized what his hand on her wrist signaled to her, and quickly removed it, as if he had been scalded. 

 

Altair was use to people fearing him. He knew he was frightening to look at. The red tattoos that patterned his golden skin. His squat but powerful body. Even his face with his deep set eyes black eyes, his flat nose, and tattoos that nearly covered every inch of it. It had never bother him before. It had been meant to instill fear. That had been his purpose. And he had never wished for anything different. 

 

Until now. He had no desire to hurt this woman. With her open face and dancing eyes. He actually found that he liked her. And he certainly had no desire to incur his master’s wrath by hurting the woman he held in such high regard. 

 

“No, my Lady, not in there. You do not want to venture into the arena now. Master Kylo is… not himself at the moment,” he tried to explain.

 

Rey looked behind her, into the darkness of the throne room. She could hear the deep murmur of Ben’s voice, but most of all she could feel the dark swirl of anger and resentment his Force signature was emanating. She had felt it before, in the throne room when he faced down Snoke. She had been frightened then, for her life and his. This time it felt slightly different. As if he had purposely pulled the darkness around him. Feeding off it it. It frightened her again. This time her fear was for him alone.

 

Her first instinct was to go to him. To soothe him with her light. But she knew that Altair was right. She could not go in there now. She would only make things worse.  With a nod, she moved away from the entrance to throne room.

 

“Come. The stairs to the catacombs are through here.”

 

He gestured to a dark hallway and waited for her to move with him. Rey stepped beside him, and walked with him into the hallway. Standing before an arched stone doorway, she glanced nervously at Altair. 

 

“I shall go first. It is easier for my eyes to adjust to the dark than yours. When we reach the catacombs there will be better light.”

 

Rey remained silent, but slowly followed Altair into the blackness. She found herself shuffling her feet on the wide stone steps, searching for the step down. She made it down a number of steps before she stumbled. Reaching out her hand to steady herself, she came in contact with Altair’s bare shoulder. He stopped and stiffened suddenly. 

 

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, pulling her hand away.

 

“Are you alright, my Lady?” his deep voice was gruff. 

 

“I stumbled. My eyes haven’t adjusted to the darkness.” Embarrassment tinged her voice. 

 

He was silent for a long moment, unmoving from where they had stopped. And then he spoke suddenly. “Please, put your hand back on my arm. I will guide you down the stairs. I did not realize you could not see yet.”

 

She could tell he held his breath as she reached out and placed her small hand back on his large tricep. There was a slight pause before they continued on. Blind to everything, Rey found her other senses heightened some. Her fingers found minute ridges on his skin denoting where his tattoos ran under her hand. She could hear his breathing had quickened, although their pace hadn’t changed. The deeper they moved into the heart of the castle base, the more she could smell sulfur and other noxious fumes. 

 

And the pressure. The deeper then went into the depths of the castle, the more the pressure built up in her head. It was as if she was sinking beneath water, the weight slowly pushing in on her. And with the pressure came the voices. The screams and cries.  The whimpers and mewling. Scraping across her nerve endings, causing her to shudder. But she knew there were no voices. No, physical throats left to make the sounds she heard. It was what was left of the tortured Jedi. Their finally signature in the Force, echoing for eternity in this place of torment. Shaking her head, she tried to find a way to block it all out. 

 

And then up ahead, the turning staircase brightened. A red tinged glow grew brighter as they made their way to the end of the stairs. Stepping finally into the catacombs from the stone stairway, she blinked to adjust her eyes again. The light was dim but enough to move freely without help. 

 

She dropped her hand from Altair’s arm and saw him visibly relax. Was it just her he was afraid of, she wondered, or all women? Tossing the question aside, she glanced around the small cave they were in. It was extremely warm. She would have sworn she was standing under the hot sun of Jakku if she didn’t know better. The heat causing beads of sweat to break out on her skin. She lifted her hand to her temple. Her fingers brushing softly to help relieve the pain she found herself in.

 

Altair glanced over his shoulder at her. “Come. We must go deeper.”

 

With a quick shake to try and clear her head, Rey nodded, following him through twisting lava tubes that had formed the ancient Sith Temple long before the metal structure had been built a top it.  Finally, they entered a cave, and Altair stopped. It was larger than the rest and a stream of lava ran through it center. Spanning the stream, was an obsidian altar carved with ancient writing. Rey tried to focus, on her surroundings, but the pressure and voices were immense.

 

She tried to reach into the Force and protect herself from the onslaught, but found her senses were too battered to even try. She could barely control what was happening to her. Reaching out, she pulled tightly on the bond, gasping at the weight her mind was trying to slough off. 

 

She knew Altair was speaking, his back to her, as he gestured to the gritty black soil beneath them, but she could not hear him. The voices of the tortured Jedi and the whispers of the Dark Side of the Force were drowning out all else. She couldn’t even feel Ben at the other end of their bond. Closing her eyes, she staggered, falling to her knees. In dear she let out a keening cry, bringing her hands to cover her ears. Trying to block out the noise that wasn’t really there.. 

 

Altair spun, seeing Rey gasping for breath, as she staggered to rise from the hot ground. Reaching for her falling body, he found she was suddenly no longer before him. He stepped back, falling to his knees, as he witnessed Kylo Ren, stalking into the cavern like a giant wraith and scooping up the girl in to his black embrace. 

 

“What are you doing you fool?” his seething anger flooded the room, causing Altair to back away.. “You cannot bring her here! It took us years to be able to withstand the Dark Side of the Force down here!”

 

Holding her close to his body, Ben reached into the Force and began to wrap her in his flickering ember of light. He needed to protect her from the darkness but he wasn’t sure it was enough.

 

“I did not realize, Master Kylo! Her Force signature is so strong, I did not think about how it would affect her.” Altair tried to explain.

 

“You could have killed her!” he growled. “I’ll deal with you later.”

 

Altair swallowed the lump in his throat at the threat, but only watched as his master disappeared from his view. Stalking out of the cavern, Ben nearly ran with Rey’s inert form from the cavern up the stairs and onto the lift to his rooms. Once there he stripped her of her clothes and then laid her down on his bed before stripping himself of his own clothing.

 

Lying down next to her, he pulled her to him, making sure they were completely touching, skin to skin. Gently, he pushed into her mind, bringing his tiny ember of light into hers. Taking hold of her light that flickered desperately, he began to twine them together. Wrapping them around each other until her light became a steady glow and his grew brighter. 

 

As he felt her heartbeat return to a steady rhythm, and her breathing slow, her body relaxed against his. He still held her snuggly within his embrace, but he allow his own body to relax against hers. Pressing his lips to the top of her head, he curled himself around her. He felt her arms move and encircle his body, pulling him closer to her. 

 

“Are you alright?” he whispered into her hairline, as she shifted slightly.

 

“I am now,” she offered hoarsely.

 

“I’m going to kill him,” he growled.

 

“It wasn’t his fault. He was taking me down there to teach me. I should have told him the moment it all got too much to bear. I thought I could handle it myself. I didn’t realize how strong the Dark Side locus is, and how the souls of the tortured Jedi make it stronger.”

 

“He is no fool. He should have known better.”

 

“Ben, please. It’s over. I’m alright. You’re here,” she whispered into the bare skin of his chest.

 

“You scared the kriff out of me,” he said gruffly, his heart finally falling back into a steady rhythm.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s alright, darling. You’re safe.”

 

Tightening her arms around him, she turned her cheek to rest on his solid chest. “So are you.”

 

.

 

The beep from the door woke Ben from a deep sleep. He jumped at the sudden noise and stilled as he felt Rey move restlessly next to him. Untangling himself from her, he pulled on his discarded pants, and ran a hand through his hair as he stalked through the rooms, to the door, annoyed at being interrupted.

 

As it slid open, Altair Rhys was revealed before him. Ben stared him down for a long while before moving to allow him entrance to the room.

 

“Master--” Altair began but Ben cut him off. 

 

“Don’t!. You’d be dead right now if it weren’t for her.”

 

He opened his mouth to speak, but Ben’s stare made him think better of it.

 

“Were you trying to kill her? Did you purposely bring her down there to hurt her?”

 

Altair opened his mouth again, but Ben beat him to it. 

 

“Don’t dare lie to me. I will destroy your mind to find the truth.”

 

“I swear on my life, that I have never done, nor will ever do, anything to purposely hurt Lady Rey.”

 

“Why did you bring her down there, Altair?”

 

“It is where I do my best healing. I only thought to enhance any natural ability she might have.”

 

“But you are a Dark Side Force user, Altair Rhys. Rey is not. She channels the Light Side.”

 

“I did not think about the consequences of my actions and for that I must be punished.” He bowed his head to Ben.

 

“There will be no punishment.” Her soft voice came from the doorway behind Altair.

 

Both men looked up to see Rey swathed in nothing but a black bed sheet clutched to her modest chest. Her hair tumbled down around her shoulders in disarray. Both blinked at her, each for different reasons.

 

“Altair had no ulterior motive when he took me to the catacombs. He told me exactly what I would be walking into. Neither of us thought I would react to them the way I did. If he is at fault, then so am I. I deserve any punishment that Altair is given.”

 

Ben looked from Rey to Altair and back to Rey. He had seen into the man’s mind and knew he had no designs to hurt Rey by bringing her to the catacombs. He had no plans to punish his knight, although he was still seething that his actions had inadvertently hurt her. But her defense of him, made him only more loyal to her than he had already become. He could see the devotion written on Altair’s flat face. 

 

“No one is going to be disciplined. You both are too rash for your own good.”

 

“I apologize to you, Master Kylo. And to you, Lady Rey.” Altair remained on his knees. 

 

“Get up, you fool,” Ben growled, though it was tinted with affection.

 

Altair rose to his feet. “I hope you will still trust me enough to train with me, Lady--”

 

“Altair, if you call me Lady Rey one more time, I will punish you myself! Please, my name is Rey. That is all,” she cut him off. 

 

Ben had no idea that Altair’s normally tan skin could turn that shade of white. He had to bite down on the inside of his cheek to prevent the laugh from escaping. 

 

“My apologies, Rey.”

 

“That is much better.” She smiled at him. “And yes, I will still train with you, Altair Rhys.”

 

The man bowed his head to Rey. “Thank you.”

 

“Perhaps you could start now.” Ben announced. “I have to finish my meeting that was interrupted earlier and Rey will be here alone.”

 

He kept his eyes on Altair. He knew that Rey didn’t want him to leave her. That there was something else pressing on her mind, other than the catacomb incident. But his hold on the First Order was hanging on by a thread. He had no choice but to return to negotiations with Hux. He had to see this finished.

 

“Very good, Master Kylo. I would be happy to work with Rey.” Altair agreed.

 

“Good,” Ben said as he stalked into the bed room to dress. 

 

He could feel her eyes on his back. Feel her Force signature lessen slightly. He couldn’t think about it just then. He would return to her later and give her the time with him she wanted. Just then, he had to make sure that he secured the galaxy so she had a place were she wasn’t hunted by Hux or the First Order for the rest of her life. Dressed, he rushed past her and Altair, standing in the outer room, not giving himself the time to say goodbye to her properly, lest his determination to leave crumble. 

 

As he boarded the lift, he finally turned and looked at her. Her face was solemn, and her eyes sad, but she said nothing as the doors slid closed. He knew he should have said goodbye. The he should have kissed her and assured her that he would be returning later, and he cursed himself for having to draw away from her in order to become what he needed. She did not deserve it.

 

.

 

As the doors of the lift slid shut, Altair watched as Rey’s face morphed from solemn to hurt. How it became shuttered and her eyes lost their smile. How she wrapped her hands around her chest and dropped her head. 

 

“Excuse me Altair. I need to get dressed.” Her soft voice was thrown over her shoulder as she shuffled into the bedroom.

 

She returned a few moments later fully dressed and her hair pulled back into her 3 signature buns. Her arms were still crossed over her chest, but she now wore a look of determination on her face.  Striding across the room to him, she stopped before him.

 

Lifting her chin, she looked him in the eyes. “Where do we begin?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for coming along on this journey with me. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I do writing it. Please leave your thoughts in the comments. I love to hear what my readers think good or bad. Well, more good than bad, but... please let me know what you think. It helps me keep writing! Kiss, kiss


End file.
